Ok I need to write something down which was that I went to zaxbys and ordered a Zax snack and a milkshake and the guy asked me if I wanted a regular drink too and I said yes but when he gave me the food there was no cup so I said can I have a cup for the drink so he gave me one but it seemed like he had not rung me up for that or it didn’t automatically come with the meal so then the manager got a cup also and filled up a drink and it seemed like it was for the video camera but I don’t really know. I just feel like they could track my transaction and say I stole a free drink with the help of a worker but I don’t even know the guy. But anyway it is just a dystopian video society problem but anyway I am ok just kind of full. I left and now I am at a Starbucks and it is going to be hard to get to eastside from here it I think I can figure something it. Like if I turn right and can turn left at the light at about 5. I mean I don’t need to get there until 5:30 like my sister. 

So anyway I think it is good that my mom skipped because actually I think driving would have been an issue. Anyway I wish I knew how disabled I am or not. I felt it today or yesterday when I imagined leading a zoom meeting and I was like no I can’t. 

But anyway do you guys have any opinions. I did not get a good blob video. I think my friend is visiting me tomorrow but I scheduled something with another friend. But I think it is okay.

 Hello everyone, I am at Zaxby’s waiting a few minutes until it is time to go to my niece’s lacrosse game at my old high school. I had a birthday cake shake and it was good but kind of a lot.

Ravneet just gave me some good secret messages.

My mom is not going to the lacrosse game and I feel relieved because I think it was a fall risk.

Traffic is kind of crazy right now. I think I have been here too long and need to leave.

Gice I wish I had a bigger budget for videos but so does everyone. I think it will work out okay. I tried to do a blob video and did not get a good rendition. 

Well have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is 10 am on Tuesday. I didn’t take my medicine until 9 am from last night because I didn’t have food in my room to take the medicine with. Now I need to get coffee. I think I will go to the bookstore where I am waiting for my used books to be processed.

I love my new computer. It is a great surprise. I think the only drawback is that it uses the same harsh lighting as my iPhone. Sometimes I am okay and I can do photos that turn out ok but my zooming doesn’t look good. 

But it is okay. Everyone knows that about me. I mean actually they probably did it on purpose and they put in their ads that they make you look good. I mean am I going to be the ones to challenge them on it? 

That reminds me that I also just got an email from my Amex business card account that their deal with Amazon is over and US Bank is taking over the account. Well that might be okay if US Bank lets me proceed as normal but why do I think this sounds like people selling a debt and US Bank is going to demand the whole payback? I mean if they can change companies they can do anything. I feel like I should report this somewhere like to Elizabeth Warren.

So that is not really a happy thing to wake up to but I feel okay even after taking the medicine and I think I should go get this stuff done at the bookstore.

I just need to pack one more bag of books.

Well okay. Later today I am going to my niece’s lacrosse game and it will not be easy. It will be about 5-7. I can do it. I have to ride in a car with my mom and then watch her walk far as a fall risk and then manage her shame of me in public as she fusses at me and asks what is wrong because something is always wrong, nothing is ever okay, I always need to do something different, Since the was a kid if she knocks on my door I pretend to be doing anything different because whatever the truth is is not okay.

But anyway I am still having an ok trip. But I told my sister I was happy to end with our lunch and then she sent a text about the lacrosse game. Which is good but I am sad I have to be tortured again.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is 4 pm on Monday. At 6 o’clock I have a training for three hours. It is an extra class for CE credits for social work.

Today I took some more books to the used bookstore. Then I helped clear out boxes of stuff in my mom’s house. She had some stuff here that should have already been given away. 

Tomorrow I am going to go to my niece’s lacrosse game. I thought I had already done all the family visits and I am not happy about being tortured again by making sure my mom doesn’t fall and by managing her public shame of me in front of other people. But I think it is only for an hour and it will be okay.

Some of my videos slowed down and some sped up. I guess I will live and learn. I am going to ask my mom to sponsor some videos, possibly by increasing my monthly deposit.  I think she might go for it and I believe I have done the best I can for everyone involved.

I will continue my other pages in less frequent amounts.

I might do some ads and will have to be brave again but it was okay. Today Leo at the Apple Store shook my hand as if I was famous.

But really I don’t think there are many book sales unless it is secret. I mean to me I sense a waste but maybe it is ok.

Gice I got a new computer. It was only 750 dollars. I could not believe it. I will try to set it up soon. I don’t know if I will use it tonight.

I just don’t know if I have the strength to set it up right now. But I got a lot done for my mom with that stuff. I will try to get more done tomorrow morning.

Ok everyone that is all for now. Does anyone read this and find it interesting? Well I hope so.

Have a good day everyone.

 Gice 

I am waiting for my books to be processed at a used bookstore. I might go to the dollar store in the same shopping center. I thought they would be done by now but I guess it is a busy time of day.

I am thankful for something but I can’t say what it is.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. I am at the mall. It is Monday at about noon. We have a normal amount of food at the house instead of less than what is needed. It is kind of throwing me off and making me worry about wasting it or trying to eat faster or something. But really it is fine.

I just saw a service dog that is a Doberman pincher and it has an army vest on. Well wow I mean are they patrolling for terrorists or is this a random guy. At the Mexican restaurant yesterday I saw this pickup truck that was like a monster truck and someone just drove it like normal. He had a bunch of cute young children and they piled in the back. So that is interesting.

I just got two new pairs of jeans which I really needed. Later today I am taking more books to the used book store and then doing some more work in my room to unpack the boxes from construction.

My posts are doing well but some numbers were lower. I think part of it is because I chose a traffic goal instead of mixed. But some of it weirdly is because their program really does choose what videos to boost and they are not that enthused about my floopydoo art. I mean I don’t know why, it is so universal, but I am okay and have gotten plenty of views.

Well, that is all for now.

 Hey everyone one of my friend’s son got a job and it was a prayer request for a while so that is great.

Gice I just ate some food with my mom and it went well. 

Still some problems but could be worse. 

I mean it’s just a tragedy that never ends.

But anyway it is okay.

I will probably take my medicine at 11 pm.

I talked to my friend Haley today and it was fun. And I had lunch with my sister and that was fun too.

Then I went to Mensa Bible study online. It was great,

But I do feel a little tired but mostly fine like normal.

I think I will send Ravneet a message.

 Ok that is what I was going to say instead of admitting I had a problem thought was that the Facebook people who help me with my posts do a funny 666 joke with me sometimes where they make the numbers turn out to be 666. And they did that today and it was funny because it was more coded than usual.

Pretty funny. They know me pretty well and probably are amused by my spending foibles and range of quality. Kind of comical. If judgement day is a roast then I think it will be them.Kind of funny.

So okay. Gice the reason I had to write a lot was because of feelings of unease for a couple of days. But I really am okay now.

Gice there is real evil happening so I don’t mean to take things too lightly or be too dabbling in the wrong direction but stuff got on my mind.

So anyway I will check the numbers and then go charge my phone.

 Gice people think I should have just taken my medicine at 3 and been asleep so as not to lose everyone at the same time once again as usual.

But I think I am skipping meds and getting up early and it will be fine. Speaking of freedom, while I am away from the torturers in the Bronx.

Anyway ok pretty funny there are secret messages about the evil power feeling. I mean that was bothersome but I am okay.

so okay I think I will skip meds.

I think I will see how the videos are doing.

Do you Gice like my videos? It doesn’t bother me that there are better videos out there. I think this is a cool assortment that I did. A range and some could be cuter but still a good start.

well have a good day everyone.

 Ok probably I should have kept my mouth shut in the first place but I think I disagree with the cease and desist. And it is interesting because it was also a first amendment fail when people kept getting fired for saying bad things about CK. That is probably why the left isn’t going to let it go.

But what I am saying is that free speech is supposedly also a conservative value and yet here again it is not respected if it is the other side.

 Hello everyone, it is 3:25. Unfortunately I started thinking of the origin of my mom’s problems towards me and accidentally prayed to Satan. So that was mentally ill of me and I got through it and it only was a second of compulsive problems. You just wonder what evil is in the house if there has been a thirty year attack.

But my mom is a Baptist and Presbyterian and really we are fine and most of it was her disability. 

Anyway I mostly feel fine. I feel relief and a content feeling like when I do stuff that is meaningful to me.

I think I might not be able to do a video boost like this again for a while unless I get a good budget and new income of some kind. Otherwise I think I am going to spend the extra money on books to give away. Because I do not want to waste that work.

I just saw some cute wool mice videos that are much better than mine. But mine are cute too, and I think that is the main thing is to always go for the cuteness.

I am glad there are other videos of this style and I don’t feel jealous or competitive. I feel like part of a genre and I am happy about it. 

I mean this is how it could have been with my writing but people hurt me. But that might have been part of the NYU education effort, to mess with my psychology for teaching purposes. I mean honestly I have to find some sympathy for any kind of bad person because a lot of it does happen from things that are hurtful or unfair.

Speaking of which, what do I think about this new Erica Kirk situation where she got targeted online. Well I think I agree with her statement that it is really cruel and racist.

However if I am not mistaken she is a major conservative force in the Trump camp and I don’t mean one of his concentration camps. So I think on that basis the people who are fighting life and death to save the Mexicans felt that they had no reason to spare her. Also my guess is that it was probably scheduled for today because of the no kings protests and this is the online material. I think that is kind of mean. I’m just still in the middle and think that you can still have character during a social civil war.

 Gice I feel better now. I kind of think I have too many at one time but I am mostly okay with it because of how the reels work. I mean I see five skateboarding videos sometime or floods or something and all these videos are different. 

I want to boost the glitterbear video but I am waiting.

I think I will boost it after the pink spiral and blue bunny are done. It would have been good to do the mouse one at that time but I made my choice and I believe it is okay.

Gice also the happy easter meme but I feel that being the end of that. Do any of my India pals have any opinions?

Ok one person just told me I could boost the glitter bear if I want to. Hmm I just think maybe I should wait.

Thanks though. Ravneet is so proud of me.

Do you guys think I should take my medicine now?

I am thinking maybe at 4 am.

Or maybe skip.

I am not really sure. 

Well, ups and downs live and learn. I feel back to normal. I mean what was the problem? I just had that art feeling when there is not a good rendition.

Any thoughts about the nami walk post? I mean I don’t know but I just feel that it is good to do what I can.

Well have a good day everyone.

 Gice, pretty funny, I got a good glitter bear video. I mean I don’t know what the problem was yesterday. It feels back to normal. Gice I wish I could boost the glitter bear video but I am going to try to wait but the numbers are good again. It was slow for a while and drove me crazy but wow in just a few minutes there are 70k views. It could be partially because I chose the mixed goals. I mean that will be interesting to see how that affects the numbers.

I think it is okay that I have a lot of posts going. It is kind of like an intro blitz and then I can revisit.

But my instagram followers from before might be tired of it. But this is what I am doing right now. It is a good opportunity. I need to check that card or maybe pay some on the business credit card.

 Gice I feel fine, I feel normal, I just stay up late. And as I said before one issue is having my phone only and not the computer. So I scroll more and that also drops the mood some. But I am happy with my hobby and like all the videos. I mean I already said all that but it just goes on and on each time I type “cute mouse wearing clothes taking a glowing magic marble out of a bag.”

So anyway maybe I should be rereading some books from my shelf, I mean the ones I did.

Something I was thinking about earlier today was my intro on the revelationsaries book and I was maple and my sister magnolia and my dad mahogany and my mom Myrtle. And I don’t take that lightly because Myrtle is in the book of Isaiah and mom suffered and worked hard for our family. But she had a serious disorder and sinned against people too but I think there is a suffering forgiveness aspect too so I try to remember that. I mean it is very serious suffering to be compared with Myrtle in Isaiah. And even now I want to start analyzing it which is weird like always trying to make people understand her problem but it is beyond understanding. The incessant fussing and mental illness. Those are my two new phrases and that captures a lot of it. 

Anyway I am going to try to think about how much I need to explain it to people. Because in one way I do need to stand up to people who excuse it. But in another I could just decide to dismiss them back.

Gice I am thankful I got to do the school programs, it was really a blessing and it is people to pray for and they will get stuff.

Anyway I am also not ignoring the people who clicked like on these videos. As much as I am really going for views, the likes are nice of people too, to click on it. 

They are so sweet, I will send them gift baskets in heaven.

I just still question why I had to be tortured. I just don’t understand.

Hello everyone. This is Refried. It is 10:45. I have had some ups and downs today but mostly I am thankful for comfort and being ok. I had some good food today, I had a nice time at Panera, I have a good girlfriend who is sending me messages, and my family is all ok for now. I mean when you have some responsibility for aging parents and really they are doing okay. That is really a blessing.

How are my videos going. Well I don’t know. I like the ones I posted but honestly it is not happy to just do the same prompts twenty times and not get a good video. But some are ok but I think the rate of usables is better for the 2D memes. 

But maybe just not rush it, like watch it on the spending, maybe add in some God loves you memes to round out the numbers sometimes, and not check everything obsessively. Like let time pass and then check.

Possibly I should be watching YouTube. Gice I am keeping hope alive that things will suddenly get better for me. But times are hard but what are we all just going to abpurptly stop trying? No I think enough people will keep working hard and doing ok.

Which reminds me that facebook sent me another invitation to monetize but with no actual path to make any money after all, except for them to show that they rated my originality as “fair.” And that is total bullcrap. They know my work is original. I mean the quality of my jokes and the way they pretend not to see it. But possibly they do like it and that is why I got rolled through to India. So I need to stay positive. And God already told me not to be greedy. Maybe he knew I would start kind of not being satisfied. But ai does that too. You say don’t put glasses on the mouse and they do it anyway.

So anyway it is okay I just have ups and downs sometimes. I kind of felt left out of no kings but I’m sorry I just don’t get it and there are thousands of marines willing to die for us all right now. I mean my gosh some people have no respect.

Anyway okay. I think I will be posting some more posts.

Probably medicine at 3 am.

 Hello everyone I just saw an okay comedy video. It was about communism. It was a cooking video but there wasn’t really any food to be found and they had to escape. The only issue is that people are being held in inhumane detention centers. So where is your joke now. I mean that is an evil from the conservative side. I just do see it that way even though I think the democrats didn’t do that great on immigration either. 

Anyway it is kind of boring when I try to talk about society and the country. So I am trying to do another glitter bear video now. What else should I be doing? Watching basketball? I just don’t want to.

Tomorrow I am going to eat mexican with my sister.

She has really done great for me on this trip.

Should I be working on another thin book? 

I just don’t have the material for it.

Gice Monday I have that class. Ed from Nami told me not to freak out about the license. I appreciate that.

I didn’t really do well in that group yesterday.

Well have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. I think I finally got some usables. They were still only okay but that is good because most of them for seven hours weren’t ok. And that can kind of drive you crazy but it is still fun work.

How are the numbers for boosts and shares. They are okay. Honestly I feel like it could be about 30 percent higher but it is still good. I think I can use some self control to limit myself and work on other stuff like mailing books to people.

I wish I had joke books to give to the workers I have interacted with this week. I mean I would have but need to not upset my mom. So I could not order too much. It is okay, the trip is going fine.

I still feel hopeful that things are going to get better. 

Am I missing something today? I think I sent messages to a good number of friends. I know money is tight and the conspiracy is up to something as well. 

I am still doing okay at Panera. My comedy routine is good but I will have to be a little bit brave. That is weird isn’t it how I have to be brave sometimes.

What do you Gice think about the Nami post. I think it is okay but it would have been nice to get some more donations. But at least I tried.

Gice why did I end up hated by both sides? I think that was on purpose and I don’t really get it but I also feel like I am chugging along okay on my God given profession of children’s book writer. 

Ok so that is the other thing I can be doing is googling agents and making a list of names. Are they in on the conspiracy. Some of my respect is still restored and hopefully things will be okay. I mean honestly there is an obvious market for mice stories. I could say that in a query.

I think I know what to say next in my next query. I have had some good queries, I wish I had copies of all of them.

Gice my impulse to brag is to get a sense of success in society and I just sometimes don’t have the external affirmation.

Well I think I will go to Lowe’s soon. 

Have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, I am at Panera. I feel ok and content. I had some indecisiveness about lunch earlier but had some yummy food and now I got the section I like at Panera. But it is near the fire so that is kind of warm. 

The dolphin video is doing well. I think it will be at about 600k views and that is a good deal because it was a lower boost. 

Gice sometimes I feel the missing career and I feel it right now but I am thankful for what I have. I am thankful to just be safe and fed. 

I texted with Ravneet and she said she is really excited about being my person.

My new hobby takes time and I kind of wonder what people think about it. But I shouldn’t care too much about that but sometimes there is wisdom in that.

Anyway I am going to think about my comedy routine, resume, and future plans.

Well have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. I took my medicine and got sleep and then when I woke up I got a good dolphin video. I think next is a mouse with clothes on putting a large gold coin in a slot. I just got a rendition that was almost cool but the mouse had is back to the camera.

So anyway I don’t know what I am going to do today. Maybe go to Joy of Tokyo. Or would I be happier at the mall. I kind of need a pair of jeans like Levi’s. Maybe I should do that today.

Also I could Google around for an agent. I just need to be patient. But I am feeling gaps sometimes in the activities that give me meaning. Maybe I should be doing more phone a friends. I think I will call my friend Justin soon.

I mean sometimes it feels like people are mad at me but really I have gotten a lot of hearts lately on posts. This nami post is not generating a lot of donations but I am still okay with it. Kind of weird to get thirty likes on it as opposed to two thousand on that joke last week.

I wonder if I should have sent Vance and Jeremy a message. I mean maybe. 

 Hello everyone I think that I might actually have two usable videos. Just not to boost. Maybe put them on facebook and say why I am not boosting them.

 Well everyone, I think I am going to give up on the dolphin video. I did get one that I like but air bubbles are coming out of the dolphins eye. But you know what I might still post it. It is not that bad.

I might revisit the mice ideas.

I mean I see no reason to just go to sleep if I don’t really feel like it.

My mood is affected by looking bad on zoom because of my phone but mostly it is okay. 

I think what’s missing now is a food component but I have half a cookie and that tart that I could eat with the medicine. So maybe I will do that but I don’t know.

I did figure out that the BN torture might be my dad’s half of the problem. But there was a conspiracy and people knew I was going to try to go to NYU.

But anyway what does it all mean.

Gice a lot of young people feel sad and bad because their college applications did not go well but actually there are a lot of schools that were tough on people and it is a trend. I think actually what is happening is that there is going to be more variety of options for people and a mix of all kinds of people in the different places. Same with jobs and levels of work. But anyway people figure stuff out sometimes. They feel miserable and understand things more and change their lives.

But anyway I think a lot of people will be fed up with anyone who just messes stuff up for other people. I mean wow both sides showed themselves and there were some pros and cons.

I mean some people probably think I am addicted to ai but it is a good hobby for me right now.

And I am just trying to feel better because earlier I felt really low and could not feel better.

So anyway that is interesting. I hope things get better soon. I kind of can’t wait but I can be okay for a while. I really think I will start walking again soon.

 Honestly I am starting to feel better and I could just skip my medicine but maybe I will take it soon. I mean I do not know. It depends on whether I get a good video. The videos are just not good enough yet. But some are almost okay. 

I think tomorrow I will go to Panera. I might wear my new pink shirt. I need to check the train plan too because I don’t remember when I leave exactly.

 Hello everyone, I am working on a dolphin video. It is taking time to get a good rendition. About the next post, I have not forgotten about Cheyenne who might like to be a key literary player too but that is not the point. The point is that I felt like Elise was ok and Tuesday I felt like Claire is ok. So I am thankful. Because honestly I have felt tortured in fear about my sister and her family etc. but I think they are ok and it could just be a sign that they are going to stop torturing me.

Also I think standing up to mom was from God and had his power in it and a specific rebuke about her habit of making me repeat myself for no reason. Because that is what I yelled. I said Stop making me repeat myself.

And I think also it was in defense of Elise. Because mom was just going to continue her abuse as Elise arrived. So anyway I think God approves of me and it is part of why I am going to be a writer for teens is because I maintain vigilance and defend them, even if it seems like I don’t for years at a time.

Anyway what does that power mean. I wonder if Elise has ministry power. I mean who knows but I felt that when the college topic was happening a few months ago, God showed himself with a plan that would not be avoided.

So anyway that is interesting. I am starting to feel better and am glad I took a break from the mice videos and am doing a dolphin video. But so far no usables.

 Gice it is 1 am. Soon I will take my medicine at about 2 am or 3 am. I still feel the low mood but it will be okay. It is a deep dark spiritual feeling. But with power too and the visit with Elise went well. I also feel better about both of them being entrusted eventually with Refried Bean book responsibilities, like twenty years from now if they want to and if there are still copyrights to manage.

So that is good.

I might go to the kitchen to get food to take with my medicine. And maybe a coffee to help cheer up. I mean maybe watch that Kevin Lee Jacobs video. Or some YouTube stuff. I mean maybe now I should see things as a new day. I mean the hobby cheers me up and maybe if one of these mice videos finally turns out then I will feel better about that too.

 I think what I feel is the grief from earlier this year when the college thing wasn’t decided and then the mom problems and her negative feelings towards me but really things are ok. Mom will have hip surgery in July and she doesn’t want me to come visit then. So that means I might not be back until December.

I am okay not visiting a lot of people. I think everyone knows that and I appreciate the break.

Hopefully I will wake up in a good mood tomorrow. I am trying to get one more good video and I have a lot of almost good. Right now I am trying to get one with mice and glowing stones. 

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is 11:38 on Friday night. I am doing okay. I have felt some brewing anger off and on about various things, but have been taking my medicine and am mostly okay. At the mall today a guy started driving towards me in my lane from the wrong side of the road. And frankly I have had about a hundred thousand incidents just like that for the past ten years. It wears on you after a while and affects your sense of meaning.

But anyway I feel close to heaven like I can feel the hope. And I am enjoying making videos and got good news that I can still use the software but just have to wait four minutes in between each video. I mean that is awesome because I thought I could not do any more until April.

But anyway today I worked on my resume. I mean I kind of don’t know why because I don’t think I can work again but I might use it to try to get grants to give away books.

That was weird yesterday to feel like some people were bullying me online. I actually don’t know how they feel but it seems like they hate me and I don’t really know why.

Anyway I just wrote this post to pass the four minutes.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. I will probably do a few posts tonight as I climb out of a low mood. Really I am so thankful because my teenage niece is a happy person. My other teenage niece who I saw Tuesday is also a happy person. They have had ups and downs and maybe that will end up being a thing that helps them care about others troubles too. But mostly they are doing great and I am thankful.

Something that really took me by surprise is the UN demands for reparations. I myself believe there should be good reparitions but wow I wasn’t expecting UN demands. Mostly I have felt that the US needed to resist most attempts at international law. And I will also have to say that ironically and without much disguise, this reparitions demand could be an attempt at enslaving white Americans, especially the Christians whose power offended a lot of people for so long. That is pretty hypocritical. And I have to say I also hesitate to support some of the socialist intents of slavery as well and am aware that we are already trillions of dollars in debt. Part of that is because of wasteful bums who have already had too many tax dollars spent on them. I just have to say that I do draw the line sometimes on how much I let myself be manipulated by liberal racism.

That is probably enough to say about it. It’s just true that from far away and up close, you can see both things, the need for reparitions and the need for reform. 

And as for the stuff I am not saying, some people will say it and everyone knows it’s true.

Hello everyone, it is 9 pm on Friday, March 27. My niece just came and visited my mom and me. She was very happy and talkative. I am glad for her and she is doing well. She is working as a hostess in a restaurant and finishing high school soon hopefully. I think she will get through life okay and I am glad God has helped my sister’s family so much. 

My mom started fussing at me right as my niece got there and I yelled at her. I don’t think I have ever yelled before but I actually think it was right and maybe I should have before. I mean she just fussed and fussed and sometimes overtly hates me. But I have felt hate before too but it was a year or so ago that it really became overt. Like just direct hate. It might have had something to do with the year that the housing staff tortured me. I don’t see any value in the social workers doing that to me. Like was it a re enactment of something? I don’t know what the purpose was. 

But anyway I am such a depressed, defeated person. But I am okay in some ways and thankful for my survival. I have survived this disorder for about thirty years and did well in a few school programs. But I feel like the final results are not very triumphant. I am only left with prayer power and a good social media reach.

I mean maybe things will change soon.

 Ok everyone I deleted my ad because I feel that I am better off doing an engagement post. Because I won’t get link clicks either way but I might as well get publicity for nami.

I just thought it might reach my friends but boosting no longer helps you reach your friends. You simply can’t reach your friends. It could be that some people with different identities can reach their friends but they blocked it on mine.

It’s kind of interesting because things that would have been illegal in terms of treating people differently were accepted on facebook. So we had something like an experiment. I think the results are not good and it is a ruined angry society.

But anyway I will probably try to run the ad again but I just feel that on this one I won’t play along with facebook’s little trick where you simply get nothing for your ad. Like to take money for clicks and block the clicks. I know they do that. I mean should I take them to court and subpoena some testimonies from former disgruntled? Surely there are some whistleblowers by now. 

But anyway I should read more about their court case. I saw two different explanations and thought there must be two different cases.

 Honestly the liberals who try to control my “outness” remind me of the PCA people who will only accept me if I hetero marry. Which for me would be a gay marriage. That’s the issue. And I’ve done what I am supposed to and I am surprised at people who think they can afford to lose God’s approval on their treatment of me.

That is all I will say for now.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. I just got a good message from the conspiracy. And yesterday a friend acknowledged the conspiracy. So that helps me tolerate some other awareness of a failed writing career. But I could still get discovered. I just went to two used bookstores and contemplated it all. The main good thing was at the second bookstore when I was aware of book culture and gamer nerds. I just felt some community and meaning. 

I only made 18 dollars store credit at one store and 3 dollars cash at the other store but honestly that is cool to get something plus not waste the books.

My mom is back to normal. I don’t know why there was a zap earlier but I describe it in the next post.

Ravneet has agreed to be a bookstore gamer nerd with me and I am really happy about that. That will be a good life in heaven and honestly I can feel some happy memories about Barnes and Noble. It was a mostly happy life except for some of the mistreatment.

I’m kind of aware of some of my limits as a reader as well. I just think some people are way more in genius range as readers. But I did okay and churned out some jokes.

I am leaning towards making the most of social media and not depending on literary dreams coming true. I mean possibly my treasure is in heaven in that one. But I still believe in doing what you can and that is a way to gain a harvest in heaven too.

Anyway I just feel like you know what, there already are a lot of books and games and characters out there. But people milk narnia possibly a lot when maybe there should be a few more wells.

But actually there are whole flourishing genres from those books, like lord of the rings too.

However when I see plushies in bookstores I sometimes see a lack of cuteness and questioned how some people got rolled through. 

But anyway what does that translate to. It means do well on ai because I have an eye.

I also disagree with some writers announcements that ai can’t be copyrighted. I think what the truth is that it is a shared copyright and the ai engines have sold their share when they make a deal with canva and the artist has bought it with a pro subscription so they should be able to publish without being copied. 

I need to post this.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried Bean. It is 11:37 on Thursday. I am doing some laundry and soon going to get lunch with a friend. 

My mom has been doing okay on this trip but she just bothered me. We had an okay discussion about how I was going to take a bag of books to the used bookstore. She wanted me to put them in the back of my dad’s truck but I was planning to keep them in the inside on the passenger seat. It was okay and concluded fine. And then she came back to my room and started fussing. It makes me sad but it could be worse. 

My sister dismisses these problems as normal and it is my fault. I need to prepare myself to be slandered by her.

It is part of accepting that the world hates me. To also accept that actually some credible people in my life criticize me and ignore some problems against me. I will be misperceived. I need to tolerate it. 

Some of it is from being disabled. There are just always people who blame you for not being normal. Mental Illness is especially something where people see the gap and blame you for it. 

This morning could have been different. I did everything I could for a peaceful interaction but it wasn’t good enough.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is 5 pm on Wednesday. Later I am going to a class. I had a weird day because I wanted to do networking with 540 but I didn’t like my appearance on my phone so I couldn’t go through with it. So I really let Becky down but I think she knows I will be back. I think I will send her a message.

At the mall I got a few new shirts and I had to get more than one for it to be a deal and wow it was a deal! It was like buy two get two free. I mean wow and I do kind of need these shirts and went a year and a half without shopping. I think I should find two pairs of pants too while I am here and then mail them to myself. Hopefully that will go okay. I mean maybe mail the old clothes. Hmm that is what I should do because all three pairs of khaki pants I brought are in tatters. 

Gice I hate to be a kook but last night I heard a voice that said “abundance is enough.” And I think it addresses facebook spending and clothes because I wondered if I was greedy with these video boosts or was about to be. Like if I spent 500 dollars just to get the numbers but I know not to do that. So that is interesting. And I think it is okay to have the shirts.

So that is interesting. Ravneet told me she is broke so I hope there were some joke book sales. I mean any sales at all would make a difference. How could it not be at least a hundred? Ten thousand people saw the ad.

So anyway I am thankful for these years of life with a pattern.

I gathered some books to sell to Mr. K’s bookstore. It will be interesting to see how they do. It kind of makes me feel more peaceful about losing my other book collection.

Anyway I found at the house a pinnacle of human folly book and I am happy with it. And I have a copy of library book and joke book. 

Some of the other books are not as exciting to me now but when you read them the poems are still pretty good.

Today my friend Ginger acknowledged the conspiracy. I might tell a key leader soon that I think it is cruel for me to have zero sales.

But anyway I need to keep adding to time capsule club. People might really want to put that on their resume.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. it is about 3:45 on Tuesday. I am going to my sister’s house later to visit with family. It will not be easy but I can do it.

I feel hated today by many sources but probably tomorrow will be better and I got a lot of hearts on my last facebook share. And on my jokes page I got 1000 haha icons. That makes me happy. It is a funny joke. I got a few critics and really that is how it should be because someone should put in a word for actual alcoholics. The joke was basically about “alcoholics unanimous.”

I have two hours until we leave to go to my sister’s house. Hopefully at 6:30 I can hop on zoom and say hey to Tami and the pals.

Tomorrow I will probably go to the mall. I need to text a few more people: Joel, Vance, John C, Wade, and some other people.

Right now I think I will make a coffee and see if I can cheer up.

I would estimate selling about 100 joke books from that ad if life was normal. But something is not right and no one will tell me. I just have to guess while people hate me.

But I think I am prepared to be hated by the world. That is actually a spiritual thing that you are supposed to be able to tolerate. And eventually the church will still love you.

I am really affected by getting too much news on my phone. I think I need to turn it to YouTube.

Something else bothering me is how aggressive spellcheck is and how it changes things earlier in your sentence that you have already said. I mean it is weird times but people can get rewards.

Well, have a nice day everyone.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is 4:35 pm. I was at the mall earlier today and saw that the mall Easter Bunny was hopping and clapping and dancing. Well that is great so I told the person they were doing a good job. I said “I used to be a mall Easter Bunny.” I said “I don’t know how old you are but you could become a mascot.” I said “you’re doing a great job.”

It was very heartwarming and I hope it made their day. 

I mean they could go pro. They have what it takes.

Anyway now I will rest for a while. 

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is 10:07. It is time for me to take my medicine. I think I will wait until 11 pm though. I am seeing too much news because of not having my computer with me. It means I am scrolling instead of watching youtube.

I am going to do another financial assessment where I throw in everything as a cost and divide it by blessings requested in prayer. And I will do one prayer instead of estimating my whole prayer life.

So here is the prayer: Dear God please give everyone who ever lives 45 trillion blessings.

Ok that wasn’t that amazing but the fact that I am alive to pray that prayer from earth took a lot of endurance and miracles. So I think we can expect for it mostly to be answered.

Now, we don’t know how salvation plays into it, but we know that there are about two billion Christians in the world as it is. So by the most conservative estimate, we can multiply two billion times 45 trillion and that is the number of blessings that I have reasonably requested.

so we are looking at 90 billion trillion blessings. So then we estimate total cost for my existence, including tax dollars, city resources, history and law, people being nice to me, etc. in this way, even things I have earned become resources. So I would count a 15k retail salary as a cost, not a blessing or payoff.

So okay, let’s see, medical industry, research, medicine, insurance, roads, people who fix electricity, cops and hospitals, etc. I guess people could say that these costs are shared but I think that’s not the only way to look at it. I think we are looking at trillions divided by trillions.

So I think maybe the real number I am looking for is to disregard the work harvest and consider just New York City 9 million people who got proximity prayer. And I think the number for that is also 300k.

So okay the cost is still fractional. It is 30 people per dollar for prayer, 300 people per dollar for a meme.

I mean you have to see that as worth it.

 I see now that some people did a stricter calculation and they include the more reasonable 300k and my sister’s deduction and they are saying overall my dad’s work and parents life savings as it was spent on an existence impact is about one cent per person. I am ok with seeing it that way but think that means I could literally spend 100k more dollars on anything and be in that range.  But I just feel like the 300k number is the issue. Because that is what I requested gradually and accepted because of my intent to deliver on being a literary giant. I think even with my survival situation I would not have flung around that money without expecting a literary legacy that is worth that. Well frankly the impact of that is still missing. But so is my career except for the creative work. So that is definitely in question but as I was saying about the facebook numbers if you separate the Christian mission from the literary medium then the Efirds were not fools. We did one cent per person together for a hundred million people. That is without the prayers for New York. That does sound kind of like bragging but I personally think that I already should answer for the financial burden I have caused. I mean there are a lot of factors for all of us. But there are certain ways of looking at it where it’s kind of okay for me to go buy a polo shirt at the mall and eat at Joy of Tokyo soon.

I just think instead of looking at the credit card stuff I will think about my cost of living and apply it to this work view and simplify it at one cent. Honestly you have to question if it is enough.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. I have some good news. I have done some calculations and feel that an investment has paid off and I no longer am at risk of wasting about 300 thousand Efird dollars. Basically the situation is that for a while, the amount spent on me even as a loan was more than I had yet delivered on. So I estimated kind of a minimum and subtracted that from the actual, and that was how much I felt needed to be justified by the book career. So then I started giving away books, and I felt that the total cost behind each book that actually reached someone was about a hundred dollars. Which isn’t that bad, and to me the content is worth that, but that is how I calculated what had been spent on me as a writer living in New York. 

Well there are other ways of looking at it, and insurance paid for about 3 million dollars worth of medical care. So really when you start looking at survival, the book hobby becomes valuable as a reason for living. And you can kind of see the living expenses as like a copay for a time of recovery. Well that is interesting but I usually take a stricter view and think that my life in New York was partially based on the value of a literary mission.

So anyway, I felt like once I had given away a lot of books, about a thousand, then two thousand, then three thousand, then getting the cost behind each book down to 50-100 dollars was really not that bad. It is like a church or community project and those numbers are okay.

But I think that my three years of facebook content can actually replace the book ambitions as being a return on the investment from family, friends, therapists, and medical charity. And people got reached well with some of the book content and some easy ai art. so now we are looking at a harvest that justifies a lot. People could say that it just added to my expense and cost of living but I think really that is where some actual benefit happened. And there are good numbers to work with but the main point is that I can now applies those dollars per person to the facebookers who saw the art and joke posts. So now my books are no longer bearing a burden of costing a hundred dollars per book. The books are now whatever they cost. I can either order them as author copies or have them sent from amazon for pretty cheap considering shipping during dangerous times.

This is very good for my family and I have a lot of people to thank for it. And honestly if I were in charge of the numbers on Judgement Day I would give each of my people total credit for the hundred million and each of the hundred million the credit for the whole 300 thousand dollars. I mean also over 14 years then some stuff evens out. Anyway it is a fun hobby to do the numbers and I am thankful to be alive. I mean some numbers are still low like zero book sales and low income. But I believe my imaginary mice parents will do very well in their judgement day court cases.

 Hello everyone, today is Sunday, March 22. I am in Greenville, SC. My mom is at church and I am waiting to go to Red Lobster with my sister and our friend Hadley. It is going to be a real treat. 

I think I might go online and look at the menu.

I just played the piano and I have to say that something has clicked and I can now compose.

I am running an ad on facebook for my Joke Book. I believe the ad will be seen by about 8000 people. How many sales will that be? Usually it is zero. But I feel like I should at least try.

I might do a send around with all my jokes as joke book ads. I think my girlfriend gets the money. And I am always like where’s my girlfriend, where’s the book sales. But meanwhile she is getting some cash for the mall.

I need to be satisfied with that and not always be like gee where is my career.

However time goes on and people are not reading my books.

I am tired of the politics but ups and downs live and learn.

Gice I might see if Dr. Dalmeus will refer me to the groups at that building on my campus. What do you Gice think about that.

Like mental health group therapy. 

Gice what do you think about my mental health.

My ad just got approved.  I am boosting some blob posts and a joke on facebook, and two videos on instagram.

Honestly it helps me feel a sense of worth and purpose.

Facebook asked if I wanted to monetize and I said yes but I know there will be no money whatsoever. I think their system is questionable but I just love sending posts to India and the people there like my videos and posts. Maybe for Easter I will send that lamb of God post around again.

I mean this is my career. It is a good career. I could get paid in heaven for it.

 Gice I think I should not get a new computer. I think I should find a way to be productive and work on poems and joke memes so I am not bored. I could use my phone or go to fed ex one day.

Right now is prime time according to my schedule. So I will go get some coffee or coke and then what. Maybe read pizza novel or Apple novel.

I need to order Kmart novel because there is not a copy here.

Does anyone have any thoughts?

What do you think of the two new videos. Boost them or not. I mean the last boost was so great that maybe I should wait and concentrate on creating more content first.

Tomorrow I might send a text to John c, Vance, Jenn g, and Amanda c. And what about Tammy. That would be good to see them again.

Gice is life going to get better. Some things have improved but it makes me even more so say why did that stuff happen. Why couldn’t I be happy in the Bronx with a stop and shop.

 Gice I am going to scout out computer prices at Apple Store. It may be time to get a new computer but it is possible that I should rely on my old one. What do you Gice think. As I say that I think maybe I will rely on the old one. if anyone has any opinions I would appreciate it.

Gice did you see the two new videos. I think they are good but not unbelievable. I tried to do one of a rabbit playing the piano and creating paint splashes but there was not a good one. Maybe on Bing it would be good.

 Ok everyone, I am doing okay. I just felt accused by those texts but really I am glad that person is friends with my mom. People can think what they want. I think last time when I fell on the toilet that is what cause the leak later on that flooded the house. 

And then the scam. That could have been worse. Mom has made it clear she does not want people taking care of her.

And I think she is okay but she is hobbling on her cane and at risk of falling but my guess is that she is careful.

I think that since my medicine has been reduced then I will exercise more and walk in my neighborhood.

I think the this too shall pass slogan applies to all the weird waves of strife and mayhem.

I am very invested in Judgement Day and will try to think of rewards to request ahead of time.

I am very sad about the trans rights problems and I do not know how to help or what to do. I think just be myself and do what I am doing is part of it.

I read some thin books today and they were great. I hope they reach people soon. I think they will and I think it will help my outlook if I consider some stuff almost a done deal and then appreciate everyone who contributed.

But I don’t know because counting chickens before they hatch is a thing.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is 11 pm on Saturday night. I took my medicine today at about 11 am. That is late but maybe eventually it will fix my sleep schedule.

Today I went to Panera but it was not fun. Possibly because I had just taken my medicine. 

I wish I had a computer here. But I am glad I packed light. That made traveling easier. 

I think I might make some more coffee soon.

I made two new videos I like but the third one is a fail so far and I am out of attempts. Also I really don’t have enough money to boost the new videos. And yet it might not be that much of a different budget.

Tomorrow I am going to lunch with my sister and my friend Hadley. I had stuff to tell Hadley but I forgot it. 

I felt an accusation about not taking good enough care of my mom but I think I have done the best I could. 

My mom needs hip replacement surgery and I hope we can figure that out. Sometimes she is unhelpable. I don’t know who all knows what her problems are. I think some people did observe her try to care for dad. She had a very visible fussing problem.

Anyway I won’t analyze it. I really need to accept that most people will never understand and they will misperceive me in that category of my life. 

That is where my friend Marianne did well though. She just heard one phone message in year 2000 and was like omg what are you going to do, Sarah, that problem is never going to go away. I mean that is pretty amazing. And yet some people will never see it and think I am a bad person.

But I think also some people might have seen it early on and provided for it. And my friend Claire was a mentor.

So anyway like I said I don’t need to go on and on about it. But I feel it right now. I think something triggered it.

like I go towards the fridge and she blocks the fridge, I go to get a glass and she blocks the cabinet, I go to the microwave and she blocks that.

Then the questioning, why that plate, why that bowl, do you need a plastic bag, why don’t you need a plastic bag, I am leaving the cabinet open so you can see what is in the cupboard. It seems like care but it isn’t. It is her thinking my life is hers. She is trying to control my face and arms and feet. Macro meso micro, it is on every level.

But I am ok so far here. I am having an okay time. I need to text some friends. That is usually when the fussing gets out of control is when I start socializing with other people.

 Gice it is Saturday, I woke up at 11:30 and took my medicine. Now I am at Panera. I didn’t get the good section but I am outside and that is nice.

I meant to bring two books with me: plagiarism collection and revelationaries. 

I think I will find those books on my phone as e books.

Does anyone have any feedback on how things have gone in general or about the books? 

 Gice I do not want to feel the evil power. I want to see visions. But soon I have to take my medicine but honestly I could take it at 6 and be ok.

Gice there is such variety of craziness these days. I might need to write a poem similar to we didn’t start the fire.

Maybe think of some stuff for my comedy routine.

Gice I didn’t do that good at the discussion but I am okay with what I said. I think it was on topic and most of all I think that these people are not Christian nationalists.

So anyway I will try to think of who might like this organization. I kind of think Audrey Breen might be a possible. But I don’t know. She might already have her people but I mean why not do a zoom reshuffle.

Gice don’t you think it is amazing that God provided zoom meetings and how much it benefited me personally as someone who was tormented in person?

I mean that is kind of crazy.

Anyway too bad my appearance isn’t good on my phone.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is 3:20 am. Soon I will take my medicine. Tonight I read an article that I think was Christian nationalism. It is my first encounter with it. Isn’t that weird? It was horrible and I felt the cult feeling from it. I have only felt that feeling three or four times in my life. I am thankful God spared me that particular spiritual abuse. Now I am feeling a little bit of the evil power when I think of it. so far it is going away ok and I could read old hospital notes if it persists.

I think it is not cool for the northerners to accuse all conservatives of Christian nationalism. A lot of people are voting their conscience and just wrong about some things. That is not the same as a cult. I think also there are people who conflate religion and politics but aren’t a cult either. 

I just wrote something kind of nationalist and felt the evil power. How horrible and scary. What I was going to say I do actually believe which is that I don’t know that God hasn’t led the church to work through government against threats in the world right now. Like to take control and be militarist in some ways, like I don’t know that God didn’t lead half the people to choose that.

But anyway I think one main priority is helping young people find their way and be social in positive ways. People need friends and some parents are really suffering as teens start mobbing places. But anyway, crazy times. I mean honestly I feel that we knew several years ago that “this is it,” like we knew we had to get through those years, keep insurance, etc. I mean am I wrong? But I think possibly the roll out of social media was an important thing during our time, and it is reaching a lot of other countries and stuff is available to them. Some bad stuff but some good stuff. And certain important things happened and now it is different scenarios. I mean am I right?

I mean maybe some parents organized for their teens to go be violent. I do not really know.

Gice I hope I don’t keep feeling the evil power. We should pray for people to be delivered from those cults.

Also here is a question about reincarnation and purgatory and other worlds. We know there are angel armies and spiritual battles. Well do angels get “killed” in battle and if so where do they go? Just wondering, I mean what does born again literally mean. Well have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is 1:12 pm on Thursday, march 19. I am safely in Greenville and comfortable in my mom’s house. The construction looks good and honestly it feels normal. I feel like it is my fault that the bathroom plumbing flooded after last time but it is fixed now.

I don’t know if I will go get barbecue from Lowe’s grocery store today. I might wait until tomorrow.

It was a good train trip. Gilbert seems mad at me but I am just glad I got here safely. He did a power play with the payment but I think it was to let me know my mom was watching from the living room. That is fine and I think she is like me on that and I have to say that these travel arrangements are not a game and I agree with her vigilance.

. I wish I had a laptop here but I am not messing up my other computer.

My mouse video hit one million views. That was really fast and I appreciate it. I guess that is my new hobby. I mean it has been fun and a blessing. I think I should not obsess about the American problems when I have a good outlet in India.

I don’t know who I will try to meet up with on my trip. Maybe Amanda, Vance, Sherrie, Mickie, Jenn, and some other pals from last time. What about Katherine. And Cynthia and who else, lots of people. Kimberly and the poetry people. I mean it was a happy life here and I am thankful.

Gice I think the social work license stuff is ok. I hope they got all my proofs etc.

Gice I might do some memes for my art page at some point. Like if I am at Panera.

Well everyone, have a good day.

 Hello everyone, 

This is Refried. It is 12:44 on Thursday, march 19. Tomorrow there is a presentation on catatonia. In about five hours I will probably be in Greenville. 

This has been a good train ride. I feel ok, I am glad I don’t have any problems from sitting down too long, and my heartburn is pretty much gone, my anxiety is normal, so far I am not in agony like when I can’t stand it. That hasn’t happened on every recent trip so maybe this time will be okay too. I hope the seat stays empty after train buddy leaves. Because you know what I got a bad person once and it was awful. I think if that happens I will ask the worker if I can move seats.

Hopefully it will be fine. It turned out that I could listen to my phone some without headphones.

I visited my low iron numbers. It seems ok and I will take the new medicine soon.

They marked me down for schizophrenia. What do you Gice think about that. I just feel like people can’t logically ignore the textbook manic episodes.

Ok so I guess people are wondering about seizures. I haven’t really had any seizure symptoms lately. That is a good thing too.

Well everyone, I wish I had more gold coins on my royal match game but it is okay.

Does anyone have any thoughts 

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. I am on the train. It is 11:42. I have heartburn but took two tums. Usually I need mylanta and tums but the mylanta I have is old however I think I could swallow another swallow if I need to.

Right now I am plotting to give more books to people and it is too bad I did not bring any for train buddies but you know what frankly people can buy the books online if they want some books. I mean after four years then I would think some people could just scrape up five dollars and choose a book they find interesting.

But anyway I appreciate the care for this trip and people helping it not be torturesome. I forgot to bring anxiety medicine but think I am ok on that.

I feel like I can still take train trips and probably once I get home it will be like normal.

I don’t think I am being two faced so far on the conservatives. I mean have you Gice read blob mentality. I think A C would like that book but I don’t see a mailing address.

My heartburn got a little better. It is mostly okay just kind of comes back sometimes like when I have a symptom and it seems to align with thoughts but really it is the stress reaction.

But anyway was MC mad at me. I think she was communicating that people were going to get in trouble for the various cases of ptsd that I mentioned.

But I don’t know. I mean maybe it was because I said combat and captivity but I know I am on to something and I think she deserves to know about it.

I mean that there could be a whole fight ptsd and flight ptsd. I mean that is good stuff. 

Anyway I think I will tune into that other YouTube now.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is 1:10 am on Wednesday, March 18. I need to pack a bag now. It will take ten minutes, I can do it. I should go to sleep at 2 am. 

Gice these cupcakes went well with the chick fil a. Last time I got the baked by Melissa cupcakes I was too hungry and ate all of them too fast and then they were gone. This time went much better.

Gice I feel like this was the peak of my career. I hope people enjoyed it. The jokes, the videos, the social work license. 

I feel that people care about my trip and want me to be okay and I am very thankful for that. Probably it will be fine. I made my choice with the luxury option and I feel ok.

I need to pack another joke book which I think will be for that Delaware person. I don’t think I am going to send other books for other staff people but maybe eventually.

I am going to work on being more positive now. I think people intervened about the main stuff and I should try to be a team player and good sport.

I just need to pack the bag. 

I mean I could go to sleep at 3 and be okay.

So pack the bag at 2. Sleep at 3. 

Get up at 8.

I mean is the issue leave the books here and don’t go to the post office tomorrow morning. Because I would have to carry the bag too.

Maybe that is it.

but the bag needs to be light.

I am not taking as much this time.

But I need to go to the post office because of that package that is there. 

So I am thinking light bag, go to post office, mail two books.

Does anyone have any thoughts.

 Gice I think I will mail Dr. Diana Diamond a joke book when I am able to.

Gice I am not a narcissist but the case is there for it, but I am not one. I am a self oriented entertainer and priestlike single person. It is not that easy and I don't appreciate people calling me selfish when the general consensus is eventually going to be that it was immoral for me not to do a mercy killing on myself.

And some people think I am full of myself but you don't know what kind of confidence you have to have to deliver on a national level for some stuff. You have to know that you have what it takes and then defend it.  So people can call me a narcsissist but I have a lot of friends and pray for people and get results from a merciful God.

And we need to pray for all the suffering people who for some reason, when it comes their time to get treatment, they land on narcissism. That can be very hurtful and it might not be their fault.

And as for underachievement.  It is other people who underachieved in their acceptance of me.

 This is kind of random but I think some people want to call me racist for not joining in the white bashing and liberal supremacy campaigns.  And it is interesting because I have encountered it before in my life as a threat of retail abuse and coworkers who had TV shows telling them to treat christians like crap.  

And the way it goes is people join in an anti evangelical effort and then accuse me of racism.  But what they sometimes don't realize is that by all measures, I have a more diverse friend set, have done more community service, have shared in more oppression, and have a proven history that is multple times better than any of their cultural drifting.  And yet it is so easy to say I am the racist one.  Well I will wait and see what is said on actual Judgement Day for that.  

I think actually it is their lack of prior support for oppressed catgories that makes them choose the destructive activist path as their main engagement with race issues.  It was simply the only opportunity that appealed to them, because it had elements of abuse mixed in.  It was a chance for them to criticize those pesky church people who seemed better in some unfair way, so they take up this crusade that actually has nothing to do with them.  And I am always the target because I circle in lower classes as a good person who went to sunday school and learned actual virtue.

Can you believe I am saying this? Well I get tired of being bullied by lazy white people who think they can make up for a lifetime of shirking actual moral obligations by turning on me as a person who has chosen a more authentic support for people with histories of injustice.  It is utterly ridiculous and I won't participate in it.  

 Hello everyone. I just went to the post office. I mailed some books and it made me happy. I might go back at 4 pm to mail more books and pick up a package.  That is in an hour and a half. 

The post office people did something weird with the line but eventually things worked out. They know i will give them a good score on the feedback rating even if they threaten refusal to serve.  And I know they probabyl won't go through with refusal to serve, and that is good enough for me.  

I also picked up some iron pills at walgreens.  Hopefully that will go well. I might not start that until Friday.  But i do not know. 

I texted with some friends in recent days and it was unexpectedly powerful support. Like really deep with just a few texts.  

My facebook joke about despised and rejected is reaching 500 thousand views. That means that for this recent batch of boosts, it will be about 3 mil and not 2 mil. So that is weird that I hoped for that and then doubted it and felt bad and now see that okay that is about right.

So anyway I did not do well last night but now I know to take my medicine on the trip. I can do it, it will be fine. I will drive some too and not get in a wreck and not get pulled over. I am scared they will see my gender X on my license and just shoot me.

But probably it is fine.  A lot of people are facing that stuff much worse. I am still going to be in the middle and mediate even if everyone hates me for it.  That reminds me to send Becky those links.

 Ok everyone, it is Tuesday, March 17, St. Patricks Day. I called my mom and we resolved our problem.  Interestingly I think I was a little bit in the wrong this time but last year she already fussed at me when I got those stuffed animals for my nieces.

So okay. It kind of reminds me of something which is that I was going to get another stuffed animal for a suffering person I prayed for and then didn't.  I think the moment has passed and I do not know what all things like that ever mean.  A lot of times in New York when the moment passes it is really okay that way. To not do the nice thing, like you just can't always do stuff. 

Anyway that was the main trigger and I am okay.  And then about missign the presentation, it would have been good to go to but I overslept.  But maybe I needed the sleep. I had an interesting dream and I am so happy to be dreaming better.  It is like purchasing a new TV or getting a blockbuster card or something.

Also I started to not take the latuda last night and concluded that I will in fact take it as prescribed and try not to miss a dose in Greenville. I will just feel better and maybe I can correct my sleep schedule.

Now what about mailing books.  That will be okay. It will mostly be a break from it.

I think I will send a few messages now but I can't remember everyone.

 Gice I am having a rough day but it cheers me up that it is St. Patricks Day.  But last night I did not feel good because my room was hot and I had to skip medicine night before last in order to go get my rent check.  And then I forgot to set my alarm for the extra CE presentation that I did want to go to.  So I missed that and that is the main reason I am kicking myself.  But then my mom texted me just to say not to get my nieces a present when I am in town.  And that was a controlling anxious action that is part of her OCD and shows me her intent for the whole trip.  To control me like a toddler.  This might be my last visit.  That is sad. I have enjoyed going there over the years.  But I think we need to consider that if she is unvisitable then maybe she is ready to move to a new stage of care for herself.  So here we go, aging parent problems, plus thirty years of severe emotional abuse and undiagnosed mental disability that was heaped on me as my problem for my whole life.

And then weirdly I got an email last night at around midnight from an agent who is saying no thank you and it was actually very grounding when I didn't feel good. So that is mostly a good thing and helps even though it makes me feel bad like I was too religious in my query and then chose to post that purple joke yesterday.  But I think I made the right choices and am doing the best I can.  I think that the money will come before an agent ever does and that will be kind of sad for everyone. But really neither thing might ever come and my books catch on after I am dead.  And that is really cruel. It could be a spiritual condition, though.  Like this formula of poverty and low social status and answered prayer. That could be how it works.

Anyway, wow, that mom problem disturbs me.  I don't think anyone ever really knows how deeply disturbing it is when it happens.  And how my mom likes to make me feel that way and that is how she feels better. It is an anxiety disorder.  And then for Barnes and Noble to torture me and people to be like, how tragic, now Refried can't escape from her abusive mother.  When there were about five other routes to freedom if anyone out there cared to treat me like half of a normal person. I mean I am not even an animal, I am a germ in most people's eyes.

Anyway I think those are the main three issues.  It is weird how the agent thing is the most serious and yet that is okay. I mean I am okay, it feels like work, like health, like that is part of being a writer.  And the other stuff is messed up.  

Ok I did hear back from the license people and it would have helped to keep doing these classes but I just accidentally missed one today. Man that bothers me. Ultimately it is because of not feeling well because of the medicine.  And some people say told you so but they are wrong.  To go get my rent check I had to skip medicine. Try it yourself. You all would have committed suicide when you were 23. Hear it from me or hear it from God in front of all of humanity on Judgement Day.

So anyway, that leaves two problems, the mom problem who tells me the day before I leave that she will torture me the whole time I am there, and the problem of missing the extra presentation.  I just feel that an extra 3 hours would have been good.  But you know what? Some of those presentations messed with my mood.  So maybe it is okay that I missed it. I was just interested in the topic.

Anyway I hope the license thing works out.  I believe I can redo it all on my trip to Greenville if I need to. I could go to FedEx Office and try again.

I told Kayla I was sorry I called her the wrong name.  That was weird.

But a lot of people are in on the conspiracy.

It was depressing last night to not feel well and to go on facebook and not be able to find any friends' posts.  Just junk.  But this morning was better with a lot of St. Patricks Day posts of animals in green. I am glad I won't be a saint on that level.  I mean wow I would not want to be the subject of a holiday.

Was that bad to say, well it is weird times. Anyway let's count my blessings: two funny jokes, good videos, a new hobby, a reason to end the other hobby, I am mostly all set for my trip, medical numbers are okay but also probably the end is in sight, and things will probably work out with my mom.

I think I should sign up for the May comedy class but I have to talk to my mom about it. She is upset right now too because her habits are destructive for her as well.  It is a dementia but it only happens with me.  And that is why I may eventually need to not go visit at all.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is 9:41 on Monday, March 16. I was so rude in my therapy group tonight and was upset about my social work license process.  Because I had to re-send all my certificates and there is a risk that it will be messed up when either the google send should have been okay, or google should not be using a drive service. And I think that is the issue.  

Anyway, crazy times. I got a mysterious email but think it will be good. I mean what is the meaning of it. 

Tomorrow I am mailing a package but I might be late with some stuff for some people. 

But I don't know. I might mail those two things. And that is it for now. I mean it is not easy sometimes.

Gice my snap benefits were increased and I am so thankful.

My therapy group helped me with some major stuff today. 

I mean it was really amazing to the point where I question things ever being a problem. Like was that necessary? Anyway. Are people mad at me for taking less medicine. I know it is good and I know it is okay that I skipped it last night so I could go downtown in a timely manner.

That was weird at the post office today wasn't it.

Gice I got some more joke books. Aaron needs his copy and he feels hurt but he does not realize that I just got the copies today.

Does anyone have any thoughts? I am so sad about Palestine.  I could see where occupation could help if it was done right.  And if the humanitarian needs were addressed.

I still think my jokes page posts are okay.

I have reflected on my video shares and think I was a little bit obsessively greedy to keep wanting to hit 3 mil.  I think 2 mil is great and that is what is happening very well. I am sorry about that bad behavior.

Let's make a to do list for tomorrow:

mail books at post office

send a few messages asking if people want a free book

send becky the links for christine

do laundry

get iron pills

Call Gilbert

that is all

Gice I need to calm down about the social work license. I just don't appreciate this email situation and think that TZK hurt me, the license people hurt me, google hurt me, and that is all.

I think my trip will be fine and I need to adjust my attitude to thankful.

 Hello everyone. This is Refried. It is 5 pm on Monday, march 16. I am sad because I had to re-send my social work CE proofs. In order to upload them all, I used Google drive, and the office said they could not use Google drive. So I redid stuff but still don’t know if it is good enough. I had to send it all in multiple emails because some files were too large. And that was because of the agencies. Well I DONT APPRECIATE THAT.

Hopefully it will be okay. I also sent the person one of the new videos. I hope she can watch it.

Now I am listening to a song by Pat Benetar. I just love it. It reminds me of the mall and Bellevue.

That is why the conspiracy is playing it, so I can look forward to going to the mall.

I think there is still one issue which is that a screenshot isn’t a pdf. And they probably want pdfs so they can make one file.

 Gice that was a bit much in that next post, wasn't it. I think that is one of the few times I have ever said that, but it makes sense that it is about a googly eyed creature video.

Anyway I possibly hit numbers that are affected by time of the week etc.  But this is still a good reach for these videos.  I just feel like it slowed down a little for some of it.  I think there is more fluctuation for this than the memes. 

But I think it will be around 3 mil for all the posts. That is very good and I am happy with that amount of views. I mean honestly that is not thru plays.  That is just views. But these videos are simple and people can see the creatures and move on.

So anyway, that is good.  Soon I will go downtown to get my rent check. In about an hour. Then I will come back and go to the post office.  Then maybe I will go to Walgreens and get some over the counter iron pills.

My dreams were cool and vivid for the second or third night in a row. I think it is from reducing the latuda. The latuda caused suppression and striving in my dreams and I did not like it. I think I will feel much better and question why all this happened to me.

I need to make sure I keep my mood in check for my trip, because there could be effects from less medicine.  But I think mostly I will just be happier and more normal. And without that intense spiritual hole feeling.

Gice, these videos.  I just feel like the numbers dipped some but mostly it is good and I love the videos. That is fun and other people make videos too so why be selfish.  But I feel my missing friends and the junky media trash on the feeds, it is just horrible. And weird that those problems are so much of what is actually wrong in our country. So much of it is the algorithms and if there was a more friend friendly line up then it would change our lives like original facebook.

Anyway I always say that. Gice as I settle down I can remember the book goals.  I mean the consistent lesson is be thankful for what I have and things will be better in heaven without the problems.

I prayed a lot this weekend and other people can learn to do their share on that. I mean do people not want to have a say in things that can help people, I do not know.  There are a lot of good people out there.

I mean think of all the workers and coworkers who are nice people, and the facebookers who just wanted a laugh like anyone else.

So okay.  my numbers came back from labs.  It mostly seems okay. I believe the iron issue is partially from pantropazole. And maybe signs of kidney lupus. But so far in the clear.

Gice, psych meds, a horrible thing. I did get some benefit from lower doses, but these recent years have reminded me of other bad times, and how horrible it is. I mean being drugged like that, the weight of it, the health decline, the cap on consciousness and personality, the insult of it, the devastation.

Anyway does anyone have any thoughts.  I just thought that the video views were going to be more than the memes but I think we are looking at a similar range.  And that is still great. I mean 200k overnight for the lobster, that is awesome.  But I just notice the frog is not hitting that high as compared to the cost.

But anyway, okay everyone, that is all. Ups and downs, live and learn. Two more days until my trip.

Mostly I am done aren't I, like I lived most of my life. Yoo hoo, Ravneet, do you want to play cards.

Gice I missed another mensa games day, I just can't hack it at this time.

 Gice praise God and Jesus for the relief and hallelujah, the video was approved. I just loved the video and did not want it to get canceled for some reason.  I mean sorry to be religious about it but I am really relieved.  It still probably won't start sharing for a while but it at least has passed the review.

I guess that is also a reminder to be thankful for the other stuff that went well, like the publishing on amazon.  I mean the books did not reach a lot of people, but I at least got copies of the books and was able to legally change my name and advertise.  I think I reached about 600 thousand or even a million americans with the pen name, and it would be very publically unjust for anyone to mess that up.

So I think I am okay.  But honestly it should be like that.  It is my old nickname and it is original to use it.

Gice sometimes I haven't done that well. I think we should all look on the bright side about that.  Like what a mess every thing is but there will some day be a strainer that brings up some jewels and smooth magic stones from our lives.

Anyway, it was nice to see a photo of Sion.  Sion, I don't think I have sent you any books.  Gice I need to get Brian McC's mailing address and send a message to Sharon E.

I can do it, it just isn't easy. I am just aware of Sharon E's church schedule for some reason.  I mean whe might not even want a book but she is on the list.

Gice I just am so thankful that this lobster video is going to reach a lot of people.  It is number three and sometime I will do the mice for the next round of boosts. But I think this is enough for now.  3 and 3.

Ok that is all for now.  Thanks everyone for helping me stay alive. This is a good moment in my life, when the lobster video shares.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is 9:30 pm on Sunday, March 15. I made another video and am waiting for it to be approved. I believe it will be my last one for a while. They are taking a long time to approve it.  They took a long time to run one of the other ones even though they approved it quickly.  And the last one took a while to approve but is now running fine.  I haven't checked the numbers but I am sure it is less than the glitter bear.  But I think this next one is really cute and will be popular. I mean it could be classic.

I hope it gets approved. If it doesn't then I guess I will eventually find my way to tik tok. Because come on, I don't need them to ruin this for me. It is a good opportunity.

So anyway is the conspiracy in on it. I think they might be because the creature looks a little bit like a lobster. I just don't understand why I can't have a paycheck for anything.

But anyway my trip will not be easy. I feel tired. I think I need to take my iron medicine. So I will go to the store sometime for that.  Tomorrow morning I will try to go get my rent check.  I think it will be okay.

Gice I just wish that instagram wasn't torturing me with this ad approval.  It is just not nice. It really hurts me. It puts me in a tired state of mind instead of happy.  But I have had some happiness with this so maybe it is okay.  I just feel like it is very exciting because I had thought maybe some day I would work with sesame street to animate the floopydoos and do some mice and now I can absolutely do it myself.  At least if these resources are maintained.  But are the tech people going to be weird about who they let be successful? I mean I do not know. That would be a weird persecution.

Anyway I suspect that in heaven, people get to help create real creatures with personalities and lands and stuff like earth.  Because Jesus helped make earth.  So I bet it is like that. I mean there are probably smart people who create all these eco systems that they figure out and predict, etc.  And God manages all of it.

Anyway it could be hours before I get good news about that ad.  And it is the last one. Why can't this be easy. But I should not complain because last time I was getting upset because I could not download the video but then the canva video turned out cuter than I expected.

Well, thanks for being my friend, everyone. We have sure had a good time, haven't we. I mean honestly, sometimes not.  Well, that is all.  Ravneet, can you please talk to me a lot on my train trip. Thanks.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Sunday, March 15. I just attended church online. It was great, way to go. I am sharing some videos on my instagram page. It is going well. 

I have five hours now before bible study. Maybe I should take a walk. I will also call my friend Philip. Also I should figure out something about mailing books this week.  I have to go downtown and actually my time is limited to go to the post office etc. But maybe get up early tomorrow, I mean maybe skip meds tonight and go at 9 am.  What do you gice think about that. I think that is a good idea.

I think that is what I will do. Right now I am checking the bank account I used for group therapy. I think I have to end it but I should have called during the week this past week.

Gice I keep thinking that things are getting better but I am not sure they are. But anyway what do you gice think about the conspiracy's choices.  I personally am still skeptical about whether it was the best route. I am just not sure. I think possibly some fighting would have been avoided if I was accepted in 2012.

But I do not know. Maybe some of it was other people's participation in the conspiracy.  Today I prayed for Mongolia.  I think my videos should be able to reach them but they probably won't. But I do like India.

Do you gice like my books. I am just tired of other people stumbling upon a few of my ideas fifteen years later than me and having whole careers out of it with the threat to call me a plagiarist.

But it will probably work out and some writers understand my condition. And this is earth and some people are in concentration camps. And for me, I had a joke or two copied but have jelly beans and coffee.

Anyway I did not mean to depress anyone but  are you sure you are doing what you are supposed to when this stuff is happening? 

Anyway this morning I had a dream where I played the Growing Pains theme on the piano.  That is weird isn't it. I think supernatural stuff will happen from the conservatives but it wont be conversion therapy. 

Well, that is all everyone, have a good day.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is 3 am on Sunday, March 15.  Soon I will take my medicine.  I think that soon I might be allowed to skip the latuda and only take one mg rispderal and 600 trileptal.  I do not know why housing hurt my life on purpose.  I just don't understand.

But anyway I am tired now. I just need to take the medicine and eat a granola bar and then go to sleep.  But I can stay up late if I want to.  I am starting to feel some fears about my trip but it will be okay.

I mean it is just a train ride like normal. I will pack one bag and I won't take that much with me, maybe literally one change of clothes. And then a grocery store bag for if I get food at the train station.

I mean in a way it might be fun. I am taking a trip. That is fun. It is just not that easy because I also need to email the social work people and it is possible that there will be a snafu.  So maybe email all the certificates to myself in case I have to use a different computer.  I could do that now.

So okay I will do that.  Gice I am going to try to give more books away. I am at about 150 for the year so far. That is good and I might hit 500 total at that rate.

Gice I hope my life changes soon and things get better in a certain way that includes income.  But I do not know if that is the plan.  I just don't know what will happen but I do sometimes feel like I might have gotten most of my stuff done. And yet there could be a whole year of mice videos ahead of me.

Gice do you have any thoughts.

Hello everyone, it is Saturday, March 14. Also known as pi day. I should be praying because I did find a good prayer window with a lot of overlapping people and needs but I got upset about something and was going to come rant on this blog but I actually like those people too. I think I need to think through that some and they might think they have a final word when they don't.

But anyway I decided to get up and type a while. That was fun to do the videos and I will do more but I think something funny is that I expect most of my videos to be very simular to what I already posted. Maybe I can branch out a lot with the mice and have plot scenes that are very specific.

But anyway who doesn't like a glitter bear. That might not get old.  And then blobs. I mean this might be the way to keep blobbing after I started to think I had already imagined all the possible combos.

Ravneet, are you reading this? Hopefully I will be doing better now on less medicine. 

I hope my books sell better soon. I think the idea was to protect the creative process.  

People say why be upset about that and not that. Well I do not know. 

Ok everyone. A lot of people are really having a hard time and have stresses and risks that other people don't have. And a lot of people might go to hell. So okay. Let's pray for people because you just never know when something is going to come from the side and fix that thing that you felt you had a lifelong fight against. 

Ok.  That is all for now everyone. Gice I think my status is the same. Audience is the same. Budget is the same. Gice it was a green light on praying for cash for people. I will do everything I can. Gice I think we are going to get a lot of rewards in heaven. Like almost everyone we can think of is going to get stuff.

I mean am I the only one who wants that? I think some people also want food and shelter. I am like that and did officially ask God to let me opt out of torture and have comfort and food.

So anyway. Gice.  The train trip.  I can do it.  The blob book. Late. It is okay. monday I will mail a few books to people. Then keep some here.

Gice sorry I did not do well today but I kind of did because I made videos.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Saturday, March 14. My video that I boosted eventually did share, and I shared a glitter bear video, too. So that is cool and I will keep working on that. I think I will keep doing still images on facebook and videos on instagram.  That is a fun hobby. It seems that I have to pay to share but the numbers aren't that bad. I will probably share to India sometimes.

It is taking me too long to get a good rendition of the dark purple blob in the silver maze. I should not have to generate that twenty times for a good one when they are perfectly capable of doing something cute. But it is okay and I can be patient. I posted one that is not perfect and has white stitches that are too reminscient of teeth.  But it is still cute.

I mean I think for one thing, get the idea out there, and then I can do both of those series, the glitter bear tunnels and the blobs. So anyway, I like this technology and agree that it is a gift from God. I mean I almost feel it for me personally, like someone like me who just for some reason never got it going with the art software suddenly can generate a cool rendition of any idea I ever have.  

I am going to try to do some mice videos also. Maybe some squirrels, but I do not know.  Maybe some mice eating supper.

I just need to not be too lonely. I mean maybe I am fine.

Well, have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone. It is 12:05 am on Saturday. I have an exhausted feeling from making just a few ai videos. There is one that I really like and I boosted the post.  But it is not reaching anyone yet as far as I can tell.  I do not know why but that gives me an unsatisfied feeling.  But I am kind of okay because I at least did boost the post and it says it will finish in three days. I only boosted it for ten dollars a day. That is not much.  But I see no views.  So then I wonder if it is running but I can't tell because it is the conspiracy protecting me. But I feel that it is more likely that facebook is torturing me.  

I think I will do some more blob videos eventually.  I mean maybe soon.

I had a long day.  But it was mostly a good and easy day but without much exercise. I will take medicine around one or two probably.

I think another option for sharing videos is to share the youtube videos on facebook. I do not know why I haven't thought of that.  I have only thought about how I don't know how to share them on youtube.  So maybe I will send around those poem videos sometime. I do not know about the cooking videos. Maybe when it truly feels like no one cares anymore.

I listened to good talks today.  It was nice.  I had a good day. I am just tired. I am kind of mad that nyu didn't confirm canceling my appointment monday.  Because really I need to skip one and I don't have any more money for it. So I will try to figure that out. I just feel like I told them I wanted to skip but they are planning to charge me and I should have notified them today but i notified them Monday.

But anyway what did I eat for dinner today? I remember. I ate potatoes.  Maybe I will have some orange sherbet as well.  I had a good time at the child abuse presentation today. I forgot to ask about emotional abuse.  But it is okay. It is kind of weird. I think they might not have shown the right law.  I mean something was missing. I mean they said the abuse had to cause a risk of death and I just think abuse has a wider range than that.

Anyway I am going to attend one last presentation tomorrow and then I will be done for a while.  I hope my trip goes well. I will try to visit with some friends when I am there.  I really was hoping things would turn around with cash at some point but it seems to not be happening.

The tech conference was really good. I learned a lot and can see why the tech field has done well. I tink people don't need to live in too much fear that they are going to be featured in inappropriate videos agaisnt their will.  But maybe we don't know.

Well, that is all. I think I will find that video and post it myself on facebook.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Friday the 13th.  I am trying to prepare for inspection. The sink is next and a pan I used for fish sticks. But that is almost all that is left to do. Maybe sweeping.  I talked to Karla, my case manager yesterday.  She got promoted to director of the building. Wow I believe she can do it. It is not that easy but she will be great. She is keeping me as a client.

So I am taking a five minute break and then I will keep cleaning.

I am listening to a podcast. It is great, I did not plan for it in my day but it helps me stay sane in a day that is hard because of inspection plus this mandatory training that I can't be unattentive for.

But let's not freak out. Because I just take the trash out, clean the sink, sweep, and that is about enough.

What about mailing books. Maybe to Flynn. Maybe let some people wait but get some of it done.

But I do not know. Maybe the theology fellas are helping me get stuff done.

Ok break is over everyone.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is 9:23 pm on Thursday. I had such a great day today. I got good sleep, went outside when it was cool, took some books to some nice people, had a good therapy session, watched a good conference and saw a good person from ai rejoicing in the exact great way. I mean that is why God has blessed those people, is because there are people with that attitude in the mix.  Wow, all the people were actually cool, so I am thankful I got to listen to some of it. But the way that guy said this is from the Lord, I mean the main thing is that you just pray for everyone to have that relationship with God like that. 

Anyway, other people said good stuff too. Soon I will see the finale. Gice God is doing a lot of great stuff at this turn of the millenium and he has included so many people and provided foils as well, so you can be blessed for not being a part of stuff if you got left out. And how he loves the 80s children. 

Ok three minutes until the livestream. 

Ok I will revisit this soon.