Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Thursday, Feb 5. I just went to the post office, mailed the packages, and then got some food from three places. It is yummy food that I got and I am thankful. 

I had an appointment today with an insurance nurse practicioner who did a health assessment.  Next year I will turn it down.  I couldn't put my finger on why it depressed me but I figured it out that it was probably racism.  The person did not want a joke book and did some power plays, including three painful blood pressure monitorings. And it really isn't right for any of the health care itself to be in insurance hands.  I think they will try to keep me from turning down preventative care, but I will take them to court in a "heartbeat."

I think what people didn't expect is that I am going to refuse heart treatment, and soon that will also include blood pressure.  And my reason is that there was no court case for either two year torture periods.  People made their choice.

The racism is starting up on facebook again, and in my neighborhood. I think the democrats have made a mistake and they will lose the race war that they started. But I kind of favor some of their policies over the right wing abuses.

At the post office I was told that my mailers might not be strong enough to make it through a machine. Next time I need to tape a cross all around the package.  I should have figured that out by now, but I have been mailing packages for four years. It might be part of their training to make you fear that your packages are not going to get there.  Also I kind of think that once it is in their hands, it is their job to make sure it gets there correctly, so they should not tear it up with a machine. For them to say, sorry, we tear up the packages with a machine, isn't really right.

But anyway, I wasn't expecting these bad feelings today, and there were good things to be happy about, like the good food and the sunshine.  

But there was another societal thing which is that both entrances to my mental health campuses were blocked, and I had to go out in the street to walk anywhere.  And then somewhere else, the side walk was blocked illegally by other random people.  But I walked through their roped off area and got where I was going.  I did not report them but they were asking for it.  

Anyway I am sad about that and wonder what the meaning is. It could have to do with Judgement Day and however I am meant to sort out rewards for people when I am on the gameshow committee.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. I just packed up 17 more books to mail out tomorrow. I will need to take my cart. I believe I can do it and it will go well. If you are reading this and you are one of the people, it is not a valentine's present. I have a girlfriend named Ravneet.

I think I didn't do perfect and I forgot about the creature comfort book, but it probably worked out. Three people are getting a creature comfort book, three people are getting a library book, and I think there are four joke books in the mix.

I am really enjoying seeing the pictures of the groundhog going to cancun or being in jail.  There are a lot of memes like that and it is really funny to me. It is funny that people are using the same jokes but doing different ai renditions.

Right now it is 6:22.  I talked to a phone a friend earlier and I don't know if I did okay but it was nice and made me feel less isolated.

I felt okay today but at night last night felt pretty bad. But I am caught up on medicine and will probably sleep okay.  People were loud outside my door today.  And I didn't need that torture from my mom. It made me wonder if my sister is having problems, but I did not call her. I just don't need to be tortured.

So anyway, I am glad to get these books moving. I think that I will take some of them to the Nami event on the 21st if I can keep them for that long.  Like maybe 7 horizon cows and 7 creature comforts.  

Anyway, it is also good to focus on that instead of being totally distracted by the facebook shares.

At 7 I have my support group and wait a minute I miscalculated some stuff.  I need to finish reading the section of Jane Eyre for my book group. I read four chapters but we have twelve due.

So okay, I will do that right now. I do not know if I did okay.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Wednesday, Feb 4 at 11:50 am.  I just went to the post office and it as a good walk. I gave away 6 more books which totals 25 for recently. That is very good.  About 5 joke books, 5 library books, and some horizon cows and mice series.

The mice series go fast when I have them so it could be good to order more.

I do not know if any are selling online but it does not seem like it.

The cops did their intimidation when I walked home. Possibly i am under threat because of medicine, but maybe people are letting me know that I will not be having a manic episode. But I am not worried about that. I am worried about feeling like crap and being taken somewhere to be tortured for the rest of my life as my book business disappears.

Anyway I am probably okay. I talked to someone from my old mental health program and thought about how nice it would be to have a mental health program but too many of the staff people were racist.  

It is so weird. I believe it will eventually all be seen for what it is.

I think for some reason I am supposed to be ridiculed for my books so the young people of the future have a certain perspective about it.  But I feel bad for people because their bullying is real.

Anyway I also went to Taco Bell and was going to go to Popeyes but could not get to that intersection because of construction.  Possibly I will venture out later and go get Thai food.  I mean I do not know.  But in a way it is more efficient to go to that area because I don't have to backtrack.

Well, I am glad to be able to give away some books. It is meaningful to me and makes me feel like my work is not wasted. And it is always cool people who I am thankful to be friends with.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Wednesday at 9:30. I thought an insurance assessment person was coming to visit me today but it is tomorrow. I did not sleep well last night but I took my medicine. I do not know if I will go to the store today. Maybe I could walk to Key Food and not go all the way to that other store. I think I might do that at about noon and get some exercise.  Going to starbucks isn't a bad idea either. I miss Ravneet.

That poetry boost is over now and I finished the book. I think I will read over it again for fun. It is weird how it took over my whole mind. And then for a couple of days I did not think about it as much but did not know what to think about.

I am so tired of the political problems.  I wish things were better.  

I feel better now that it is day time. I like being awake during the day so maybe I will try to fix my sleep schedule.

Today I am going to clean my apartment a little bit.

My therapist is out of town this week. I hope I will be okay. It is at night that I don't feel good.

My mom triggered me yesterday, and a friend, but it could have been worse but was pretty bad. My mom was going through my books because a flood made her have to move all my stuff out of a room.  So some of that is beyond my control,  but I do not like it when she goes through my stuff.  And she wants me to sell books to a store that probably won't buy them.  And that is what she does to control me is find stuff like that to nag me about.  That was part of how she tortured me when I lived at home for my MFA.

The text from my friend last night actually made me feel better and then later I felt bad again.

I think I need to send some messages to see who wants free books.

 hello everyone, this is refried. i had some ups and downs today. i woke up feeling good and wen to get water and food. then i went to two meetings but missed one. i had a trauma trigger yesterday and one today, and my therapist is going to be out of town this week.  so i think i will call some peers.

tomorrow morning i am getting a home visit from insurance. I have liked these visits in the past but I am not sure I agree with putting the doctor's care within the insurance company. I think that might be questionable. But definitley I won't be the one fixing society.

I feel the political hatred and it feels too personal.

I don't see enough posts from friends on facebook.

I think I will start feeling better soon and go to sleep, but every time I take my medicine, I feel bad for a while. I am worried that I got escalated and didn't realize it. It could have been from the office today. But I had to skip a dose to go get water. I do not respect people who punish me for htat. I do not respect the people who ruined my health and medicine. 

I guess i will listen to music and see if that helps.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. Today is Tuesday, Feb 3. I just took another walk and got some food.  I got prepared food which was an idea I had not thought of.  I got a sandwich, a calzone, and a biscuit.  And then a few extras.  So I think that is for this next two days.  And then I can eat cereal and rice for the weekend.  Then I will start taking normal grocery trips.

This was a weird storm and I can tell people are shaken up by it.  But some people are out there working like normal.  I might order Thai food and that will be the lobster dinner that I thought I would do this week.  I could use a credit one card.

I mean when would I do that. I am thinking I would do that tomorrow, and I would have leftovers on Thursday. I mean am I a being a hog or something? I think it is okay and I am doing the best I can.

Something happy is that I just gave away four joke books at the deli.  Two to workers and two to customers. And they were really happy. So that is fun.  Plus the books I mailed today is fourteen for the day. So let's see, 12, 30, 42, 60, 72. I guess I still have a lot left to give away.

I think I won't send any messages today but might send some tomorrow and mail some books Thursday if I feel like it.  But I don't know.  But definitely that was enough for today. It does change everything to be giving some away to happy recipients.

So anyway I need to fix the art mart photo situation but it is okay. I know that some people won't like it, but I could not help it at the time.

So okay, it is about 2 pm. Maybe rest and then do messages.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Tuesday, Feb 3. I just went to the post office to pick up three packages and mail two.  It went well.  There are still some snowy parts of the sidewalk. I also got some water from Walgreens.  So I am thankful for that.  A lot of people were outside.  It was a lot of disabled people and generally people were not that happy.  

I am so glad I got some sleep and feel rested. I do not think I will go back out today but I do not know. I could see myself taking a shopping bag and going to a store for some rations.  However I might do that tomorrow instead. I could do the same exact loop.

I think the water was the key thing to get. And other than that, I can make pumpkin soup, spaghetti, chicken, cereal, and oatmeal. However I do think during one of these three warmer days I should go to the store.  

Today I think I should catch up on messages and calls. 

That was a key excursion. I am glad it went well. Do you gice think I should take another trip at about 3 pm. Well I might if I feel like it.

The new Art Mart cover looks good. I am happy with it. That is a cool book. 

The lack of book sales and career loss is sickening to me.  There is a proverb that says how good for the heart it is for your desires to come true.  And how something deferred makes the heart sick.  And I feel that someone chose that for me and was wrong and millions could have been helped if things had taken even half of a normal path.

But anyway, a different society will be blessed someday, and our bullcrap people will start over in heaven.