Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Sunday, Feb 22 at 11:21 pm. I just joined the NASW. The National Association of Social Workers. I do not know why I did not think of it until now.  I think it was because I was not employed as a social worker.  So I felt like a second class citizen.  And that could cost me my license, because I did not feel worthy of attending the CE credit trainings that turned out to be required.

So that is a sad story. A story spanning my entire adulthood.  From the day I decided I needed to change my major but couldn't, until a day soon when I hear bad news from the license agency. Really beyond that, because I have to now decide what to do with the mentions of "LMSW" in my books that are print on demand. Going by the copyright date is a good defense for that, but I do not have rights or a lawyer.

But it is possible that the license people will give me an extension.  If so, I think I will be okay and I am not really doing anything else besides the classes anyway.

Something interesting for the med schools is that I genuinely forgot that I was supposed to get CE credits and I also have a level of dementia, but it is not really because of the dementia that I forgot.  That is how I see it.  I see it as I genuinely didn't know.  But I think that a lot of social workers probably find themselves in this situation and it is possible that the license people see this as familiar.  And yet I think it could be mistaken as time slipping up, when I genuinely didn't know that CE applied to me.  I was just wrong and forgot. Because of being on SSDI.

Anyway I gave my website on the email I sent so theoretically, they could read this particular post, but it is not really written to them directly.  And yet I know they could read it. So that is a thing but not that important. I mean they can read my blog or not.  I mean what if I had fifty posts addressed to them by name.  That would still be okay.

I should read the code of ethics soon just to refresh myself.  Is that the joke? To refresh myself and it was time to renew the license?  Pretty funny, guys. I cried today. It was the same crying as when I lost my teaching job.  Honestly I was glad to feel those feelings instead of something like depression pain or something. Crying is very healthy.  But I think that is some points for those anti psychology people who believe everything is spiritual and mental illness isn't real.  Because there is a possibility that all my emotions have always been normal and are actually some kind of "Post Traumatic Stress Order."

Anyway, this is really good material, isn't it. I don't think it is meant as just content for my books, though. I feel that the intended audience is the actual social work profession through points of contact at the licensing people and NASW.  Possibly I have the two organizations conflated.

And then I think also the thing I might have forgotten is that I considered myself to be working as a writer and used my apartment address as the address for work twice, both as my writing small business and as the social work headquarters for the license. And it is against housing rules to work from the apartment.  But they correctly concluded that it isn't like I am having nonresident clients come see me here.

Something else interesting is that those tears earlier are probably my actual martyrdom, and the heart problems, trauma recovery, and disability is probably just from losing against a satanic attack.

I mean I do not know.  If it were someone else, I would tell them to expect some credit for it.

Well, that is all everyone, have a good day.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is 6:38 am on Saturday, Feb 21. I am a little shaken up because of a crazy day yesterday and a trip to the ER for my gallbladder. My gallbladder hurt all day and I felt that I needed to see a doctor about it. But I saw my neurologist yesterday morning for my routine appointment.

The gallbladder cramped up because I got a Kirkus review and freaked out a little bit, but I am mostly happy with the review. It was an interesting experience.  And then I thought the gallbladder was calming down in the afternoon but I got an email about my social work license and I am way behind on CE credits. And I stupidly thought that I didn't have to do those because I was disabled.  And weirdly, absurdly, I wanted to take those classes and thought it was inappropriate for me to be there because I am not working.  And I kind of couldn't handle it and it further excaserbated my gallbladder problems.  

So then I went downtown and ate a great dinner with my friend Sharon.  And I was almost like a normal friend.  And the meal was not that expensive.  So that was great, and I had good food and it was not food that aggravated my gallbladder.  But I could feel that my gallbladder was still an issue. 

So on the way home I stopped at the Weill Cornell ER. I think I did the right thing.  I think I might have been able to go home but then I might have had to call an ambulance to take me to Jacobi.  I might have been fine there.  Possibly next time I will do that but I like the Weill Cornell people. I mean this might have been goodbye.  But I do not know.

Something interesting is that I got cold and they put a warm blanket on me and it made me feel better.  But I was shaken up by being there, and I could tell that people there are suffering and feel some stress.

So I did not want to add to it but I am glad I could see it. It was such a different impression than when I went there last year and it was almost empty and very peaceful and it almost seemed as if people were bored.  

This time I mostly hung out with the fellas.  Ermil the ultrasound guy, and Ivan the NP, Dr. David, Dr. Curato, who I did not recognize, and some other nice people.  There were nice nurses whose names I did not get except for Jessica and I just do not know. So I will send a note hopefully saying they did good for me. I told them I was a frequent ER junkie but at the same time, I do only go when I need to and to me, gallbladder pain is not ankle pain.  It is an organ of the body and if it bursts, you could die.  And I am not that scared of dying but don't want that in between feeling for any amount of time.

So anyway, when I was there, my heart rate was very high.  And it was because of the stress that was aggravating my gallbladder.  I think they knew that because I told them.  I told them the two stressors.

But anyway they have stressors right now too.

This morning I need to pick up some medicine from Walgreens and then go to a NAMI social downtown.  It will not be that easy to take another train ride downtown but I can do it.

The other thing is to accept a scholarship to a conference.  I tried to run it through and was not able to correctly so I need to talk to Becky again.  Becky really made me feel better about the Kirkus stuff.  I mean I felt okay but Becky's reaction was just what I needed.  I emailed her about it because I thought she might like to know about that resource, and the question of whether people should do it, and how it would benefit Christian writers.

So that is interesting.  Maybe I will do a separate post about my review.  I am happy with the review but they used the word frantic in one line, and I think they could have framed it more positively.  I think my depiction of an anxiety disorder was really creative and accurate, and why couldn't that be recognized instead of having the book called frantic, as if the book was written in despearation. Because it wasn't. I was mostly a plotter and not a panster, and there were things in that book that reflect years of thought and spiritual work.  But I think also they were acknowledging something about the prayer life in the book, that it was fear based, and a trauma reaction to an ongoing twelve year crisis of underemployment. 

And yet I was disabled, and was in the right place for God's plan.

So that it the other thing is to perceive God's plan happening. I mean I don't know.  Possibly this is all humbling not just for me as a writer, but spiritually, as I am just a regular person who is freaking out in some ways and just going through the day seeking comfort and food and meaning. And to not feel like an ace chaplain at the ER.  But I kind of was an ace near the Cathedral Wednesday.

So that is interesting.  I think part of the role last night is just to be able to remember all those people in the future for prayers and cares. And it was a vivid, impressionable experience.

Well, that is all. I mean frankly I believe there was a risk of emergency surgery but I felt more likely that what was needed was an assessment of how long I have with this gallbladder condition as it is.

I mean I do not know, and I think they freaked me out more at first to see if my gallbladder could take it.

That is what I told the nurse whose name I did not get.  I think she was a really good person.

Well, have a good day everyone. It is about 7 am. In one hour I will probably try to go get medicine. I kind of wish I had gotten that backpack at Jacobi but I was not able to.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is about 6:30 on Feb 16. I just ate some yummy potatoes. I had a good day today and felt good. I do not know why. I wonder if people prayed for me. I thought of another maybe name for that list which is Cas Smith, but I might think of him as a different group. But he was nice to me and it helped a lot.

So anyway this afternoon I updated my resume. I am happy with it but wonder where the missing book sales are. I just don’t understand. I mean people could say what about the missing teaching career. And yet for some reason I am not as bothered by that on the resume. Possibly because I didn’t actually teach after that career is gone, but I did write the books.

I guess I don’t know how many have sold. I mean did people send around that link? I got that person’s name wrong in the next post didn’t I. It is Harper and a different name. I will probably be able to remember it another time but can’t there be a caption or something. 

Anyway I figured out something really helpful to remember with the facebook stats and that is that there are about 3 million likes. Maybe even 5 million by now. So I think I can let that solve the mystery of organic reach.

And I have to say that I might be finishing up. I mean I should not waste the opportunity and if I do some more cool images then I will share, but I just wonder if one good year was enough. And round it off at a hundred mil.

I mean that is great. But anyway sorry to be annoying or brag but sometimes I am in a vacuum and where is my career? I mean there are some things unexplained.

I just microwaved some coffee and I guess I will think about where to send the class sets. Does anyone really want some books like that? I personally would if I were a teacher, especially for college.

Gice who are the people. I think it isn’t Katherine and Haley. Emily Grigg would be good but I really think these books are for teens more than middle school. So why start at the edge. What about Jessica Gilbert. Hmm. How many students is that. I would do a threefer if someone wanted to gift it to all their classes but in a way I think that is a bit much. 

What about Anne Parris. Maybe. What about other MFA pals who teach. I can’t just do an announcement because no one will see it.

I just don’t know. I mean maybe break up the sets and mail 5-7 to twenty people. Because what if that is too much to ask from a teacher. Well I personally think some young people would like some books. Who am I forgetting, I do not know.

Well, that is all. Have a good day everyone.

 Gice did you see that Skeeter posted two of my favorite pals for Valentine's Day?  That is so sweet and heartwarming. I think they were friends I made in my latest years of living in Greenville. Was it Harper and Hannah? It just goes to show to always press on until the end because there are things at the fringes that are very valuable.

I tried to mail some books today but forgot that the post office was closed.  However it worked out because I had forgotten Pastor Tim's name from the list.  So I added his name. There are enough books for the people at Echo who I remember at this time. It is a good collection with four joke, two library, and two or three creature comforts. Maybe only two creature comforts. But it is okay.  I think that is representative and this is a symbolic political gift like the Statue of liberty.

I hope so much that some people are able to order the books and there are secret book owners out there.  Because I feel like my 500-800 people are an awesome time capsule club, but if there is no outside circulation by now then that is depressing.

But anyway how is Ravneet doing. She made me feel better on Valentine's Day but I am not sure that she is getting enough attention from me.  But I can't go visit her anywhere or send her any presents. I mean maybe I could do some donations in her honor sometimes. But it would be like 30 dollars to an animal place or something. Well maybe that is good.

Honestly mailing these books out has made me feel good about that project. Is it just a project? A twenty year creative endeavor? I think it is a profession like being a doctor. And it goes deep into the identity.  And that could be how God disguised it to allow it to come true is all those other lost careers that could have been like that.

So here is another question related to that list of pals in my next post.  What about Moody Black? Well I think that we as a poetry team were a group, and I also think he has a leadership role in an organization that could put him in a different category with other key players.  So let's not make this one recognition something that it isn't. It isn't a filter to see how cool people are.  I just really think there is a similarity in these guys who were cooler than me and had no reason to really treat me as an equal and they did.  And the gap between my nerdiness and their status is really pretty gaping.

So anyway I think that is neato.  I mean a lot of us who socialized a lot have had some interesting piles of halloween candy to sort out. I am so sad about the political problems and lost facebook happiness, but maybe as a phenomenon, some of people's social reaches were maintained and preserved. Even as part of history, which is cool.  I mean think of it, the 80s children, how God loves us.  And the sci-fi things that actually happened in our lives.  I mean it is crazy.  So I guess for this next group it will be something different.  It could be some serious provisions during danger. And some historical sacrifices and heroism.

So anyway, that is interesting. I can't remember if I took my medicine last night. I could take it soon and keep progressing to a later routine.  But if I do that, then why not wait until 9.  I think that is what I will do. I slept well and had a dream about IHOP and being in a skit with some camp people. I said I didn't want to be in a skit and then I tried to be in the skit after all and said I had a sword named Sting and then there was already someone like that in the skit and I was embarrassed. Well that is weird.

Gice I am so glad I caught up on groceries. I feel that this is the first time in a year that I have felt caught up. I mean maybe even two years. It is because of the rice and beans. I think if I do an instacart it will be for baking items and jello salad ingredients. But maybe no need for that right now.

Well have a good day everyone. I hope to do a hundred more mail outs this year. That is the minimal goal and I will be sending messages on facebook so if you feel hurt then please be patient because wasn't this a good batch for people? I think it was. And if you wait three more years, what will it be? I mean maybe there will be money then.  But anyway maybe that is why the book sales are secret, so as not to corrupt the friendship gestures. Well I just still question it sometimes. Okay have a good day.

 Hello everyone, today is Monday, Feb 16. It is 12:40 pm and I am about to go to the post office. I will try to get a new pack of tape when I am there and go back again soon. It is weird how I am sending out these books that I wanted to send last year and didn't.

I think Wednesday I am going to go visit a friend at a hospital place but I need to make sure I wear a mask. Almost done with flu season but I do not have either vaccine this year.

I think that recent batch of memes wasn't very good. I mean the art memes. Will I do new poem memes, /i do not know.

Something cool this past weekend is that I realized some poetry literature people were still my friends. That is really cool and it made me happy and I think the conspiracy was trying to help me have a lot of groups of friends.

Which reminds me to say something I could have done a better post about but will say it now.  There are 5 or 6 or 7 guys who are cooler than me but treated me great and I will never be able to fathom it. I might leave off a name but it is Bobby Caples, Sam Lamott, Ben Rosenfeld, Kyle Hampton, Matthew Dickman, and maybe one or two more who I can't remember.  Ok I remembered another one: James Pugh. Jared Chesson might be one of them but I feel like I put him in another group with the cool PFR Young Life types. I wonder if Ken Hellier would be in that previous group too, but I am not sure. He might be more in one of the key player people who were in leadership roles. Okay now I am also thinking of Avi Nocella.  Possibly in that group too. I am saying these people because they were all so cool as compared to how absolutely nerdy I am and lesser looking in some ways, too. I mean I shouldn't have that much pressure because of gender. I should be able to wear a bandana and hat and be okay.  But I just feel like there was a huge social status gap and they accepted me in various ways without a hint of not just bullying but not even any charitable condescension.  I mean that is really crazy. I feel bad for leaving people off.  I even have to say that as much as I have been nice to people over the years, I am not sure I have ever had that kind of status to donate. I mean maybe people are trying to create that with me as a famous writer.  But anyway, I think that is enough to say about it.  

I don't know if other people can see what I am talking about. How much cooler these guys were than me and how much they treated me like a legitimate friend. I mean gay, mentally ill, nerdy, low class.  I just hope God does something for them because He sees it perfectly.

So anyway, I guess that is today's post, have a great day everyone!

 Gice I do not know if the meter or rhythm is right on that poem on the poems blog. But it is okay.  I like the order of the poems ok.  And it is a good hobby that has been restarted. I truly am starting my career over and trying again.

I boosted some more posts on my art pages and saw that wow the blob posts don't get as high numbers. But I think that is facebook's choice. I do not know why. I think they like to support things that are changing the world and not just decorative.

Anyway I felt the bad feeling for a while earlier and I do not know why.  Then I listened to some music and was okay. It is taking a while for my posts to start sharing. I do not know why. It could be because that groundhog post is still sharing.

At about 9 am I will probably go to that grocery store.  However I did think about trying an instacart order. Like what if I did a lot of beans and corn and rice.  Just to stock up.  Well the point for that is to use the OTC.  My case manager said to check amazon fresh and see if they take OTC. So I will check that. Maybe I should check that right now.

I am not that bothered that facebook is messing with me.  Maybe they are planning out the routes for the algorithms.  I mean something tells me that is automated.  But I do not really know.

I am trying to get to 99 million. I think after this share then I am essentially at 100 million.  It could be give or take ten million.  I mean I think it is more likely to be 85 than 110.  But if you do the money numbers it adds up to 110 million.  But without the organic reach it is about 90 million. Or maybe 85.  

But I am also counting my lifelong facebooking on my other page.  And I think that is a cool mil.  So that is really 2 cool mil for that page.  But those numbers are in the charts for the recent account. 

Anyway sorry if that is annoying.  

I had ups and downs on valentine's day. Actually some pretty deep depression feelings a few times. I think it was from that whole prayer machine thing, and then the reminder that the books haven't sold, and a feeling that people are going to steal all my work.  Well probably it will be okay, and one sign of that is the security of my pen name.

But anyway I also felt good sometimes.  And then when I had the bad feeling it is a reminder to be thankful for when I feel okay.

Well, I think I did right for today.  I will take my medicine probably at about noon.  I want to go to the bible study though. I need to send Ken an email.  Maybe he was seeing if I pray for them.  Well that is most interesting.  The thing is that I do pray in my own way.

The other thing is that my waking hours are when everyone else is asleep.  So I do not call and keep up like I want to.  So that is too bad.  But I think I will fix it over the next week or so.

Well, that is all.  Now I will investigate groceries.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. Today is Feb 14, Valentine's Day. 

I hope everyone is doing okay. I am doing okay and slept through most of the day because I did not take my medicine until 9 am.  I went to a spirituality group today and honestly some people were losers. Like the same bullcrap anti-christianity. I feel sorry for them. It is certain people. It is a familiar pattern.  At some point I should just say I am tired of it and feel sorry for them. I do not know where their arrogance came from, like if they were in a good mood one day and thought themselves spiritually superior. 

But anyway I just felt like I would say it because wow who needs that.  But I was late today and some people were nice. I don't go much because the group mostly took a new age turn toward a consistent belief in certain reincarnation purposes.

So anyway I heard from Ravneet and she is supporting me going to the grocery store tomorrow morning hopefully. I think I will go at ten oclock and walk to that far store with the cart.

My facebook posts did well and hit 1.5. I am hitting ten thousand per dollar on some posts.  I think that is the raise I got for longevity.  So I should keep posting. I might create more images soon on canva and bing. I mean should I do that later tonight? Hmm I do not know.

I think I am at about 98 million views.  It could be only 85 if I am wrong about organic reach.  But I think I am right about it and am also accounting for about 3 million views that I accidentally deleted when I had to stop some ads that didn't have a scheduled ending.  

I could send around the two poems but I don't know if I want to do that gallbladder image. I think it is okay but I am just not sure it is a good enough poem. I am sometimes having trouble knowing which audience to send to.  Because when I do both America and India it sometimes doesn't go to America.

I saw disturbing images of detention centers for ten thousand people at a time.  That is not a happy site.  I don't know why we couldn't just do citizenship for people. 

I think in some ways we have to ask God for help and see a new future where America is a piece of crap country and the things God does in our lives are kind of independent of or under a bad government.

One of my goals is to not blame it all on guys watching inappropriate things on TV.  That might be it or it might not be it.  In terms of why we are missing leadership of actual good people.

Well, that is all for today. I wrote two new poems but did not put them in that book. I feel happy that I can use that self control and not change the book other than fixing that missing letter. I fixed the glossy print status too and now it will be better. I am working on a new thin book but I need to be patient because the poems are already a thin book. Maybe I will find some blog posts for it but really I am not sure I have that much material yet. I hd thirteen pages of memes and poems.  So I need to be patient. I might write something else biographical. But I forgot what it was. Do you guys remember? I think I emailed it to myself two weeks ago.

Well have a good day everyone.