Hello everyone, this is Refried. I am doing laundry. I got a lot done today. Unfortunately I missed my class because I did not feel well enough. But it worked out because I am doing laundry. I think the apartment people are starting to torture me again and I don’t know why. But I will make sure not to miss medicine but really I am taking enough medicine. I have not missed it in days but just took it late today because I had to go get my rent check.

I will get over the review stuff soon. I got a 3 and a 4. It was low, they had to lie a few times to maintain their narrative, and it doesn’t matter that much. I have hardly thought about the other review in a month.

Now, phone a friends. I have a few people I can call but I am going to need to think about what mood I can be in. I mean it is kind of weird because the more sincere calls are when I feel bad. So I don’t know what to think about that.

I think that is the reason Echo church pretended to discontinue me is because of the apartment abuse.

I hid that blog but I think I am at the point where I have to be pretty insulting and people made their choice. And as for protecting the career, that is over. I waited long enough and now I call people names.

Anyway there is something else bothering me and I told Drena. But I am okay and am thankful that I was able to travel to Greenville okay.

I feel the political problems again. So I will need to calm down and distract myself.

Did anyone agree with the videos? They were too true weren’t they. People made their choices. 

 Gice I think it is fine. It is essentially a 3 star review and I did have craft weaknesses. And they said positive things. And they said quotable things that were actually more quotable than the last review. "Delightfully eccentric." Ok. I'm just not an old 60 year old with crystals in her house.

I mean is it okay that I am blogging like this? I think I am wrong about the motives to choose to frame me as a weirdo.  I think they just have five levels of words from positive to neutral and negative, and for the last review, endearing would be a 5 level word and I was at 4 so they said odd. For my character.

And then this time, they are going to reserve a possible way of seeing imaginary mice as unsual and not "clever." "creative." "full of ideas." "imaginative." Maybe "alarming" slipped their attention.  "suspicious." "concerning." "incriminating."

I think the issue now is I just don't feel good because I did not sleep well. Or honestly maybe I am questioning my questioning and regret my stance.  But really I am glad I left a message. I just think they made their choice and backed it up at the cost of some truth.  And that is the wrong direction when people are paying for it. I mean God forbid you compliment someone too much on their novel. Like it isn't compromising a whole industry.  That's where they say okay now you see we have other loyalties to consider.  Well I'll bet you do.

I mean honestly they might have seen my mission to teens and felt like you know what, Refried Bean made a narration mistake, like maybe they were joining in my little approachable approach. And yet I have to say too much time was spent sharing that juicy gossip with no mention of the attributes that would have justified a star if they really wanted to get behind something cool and original.

 I think a good word for them to use next time is “wacky.”

That is a nice more negative way of framing cute creative ideas and characters.

Or maybe “monster” or “racist child abuser” would be in their drop down menu.

 I just think they have a menu of words to use and they choose a neutral version of something like creative so they keep calling me odd and eccentric instead of imaginative. Like they just can’t bring themselves to comment on the overwhelming amount of ideas in my books. All we can do is suggest you may have a problem because we don’t have the courage to accept your pen name.

Also the way they took up the whole editorial section trying to explain the narration when it was fine. They wanted to make it seem like I made an amateur POV mistake or something like that when the idea is that once you get into the story, you don’t disrupt it again. Think of Neverending Story and how at the end it is like gee there is the story book. That is the way it works. And it could have been said succinctly but you spent that whole part of the review on something that didn’t matter. 

And the summary was muted to support your choice of a low 3 star review. The fun was taken out of it on purpose.

 Hello everyone. I am looking on the bright side because they could have said stuff like “virtually unreadable.”

Also I think one of the people I always freak out about is probably still my friend and I am having some kind of splitting problem. And the program re enacted stuff during that time and different people were different people.

And some of my problems are psychiatric like my fears and paranoia where I think people are going to accuse me of stuff and then as a person who has less status then I think they will win and then that makes me fear they are right in some way or could seem right enough.

But anyway will I go to the bank at ten. Maybe. I mean why not try. And get that over with.

And then another day do medicine and red lobster.

But some people are saying do the boil in honor of Dr Messer. Yeah good idea.

Another thing is that I didn’t realize just how good the other review was. But my sense that they are proportionally low is correct. Like that one should have had a star and this one should have had the rec.

And they do that to maintain credibility but why do I suspect that some of us are lambs and some aren’t.

But anyway delightfully eccentric. That is okay with me.

Do you Gice think I should send in This is It. Well I don’t know. I feel like it was more for fiction. I mean maybe peruse. But Gice. Cash money.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. Today is Wednesday, April 22. Unfortunately I did not take my medicine yet or sleep.  But I am caught up other than staying up too late.  I had some ups and downs and should have slept but I thought about the review and am okay with it. I mean I knew the book was sloppy in some ways and I still turned it in.  And I think the summary is cool and conveys the creativity. The mice books are cool and people could really get a kick out of it all.

Yes I am very upset about that news story and there is child abuse all over the country in all kinds of communities and we should be helping not hurting.  

I saw JC again standing in the air near my window, kind of not that warm and emotional as I was thinking about something but now can't remember. I do remember some of it. Ok I was thinking about how sometimes when I fear that God doesn't love me I have to choose to like him anyway and I think I would be advised to correct my perception and not let myself feel like I was doing anyone any favors but the feeling is that okay I am not one of God's favorites but I am still going to pray and only want that attention and be okay with everyone else hating me.  Like if God is all there is for me and he doesn't like me then what choice do I have but to still try for that friendship.  Anyway it was actually a good state of mind I was in even though I felt rejected. I mean this is God's plan in my life is this rejection and the various flavors of it.  I mean a literary low view of something plus thirty mental health workers treating me like crap me plus losing touch with people, it is an interesting combination, and yet there is a whole conspiracy of attention in the background over years of provision.  And then Jesus near the window but not matching a mood of friendly near young life leader Jesus.  I know that other people also have imaginings and actually are stuck and limited in some ways, but in some ways have him pictured pretty well as a friend.  I mean it works a certain way, the trinity, and imagining the near Jesus corrects some of the feelings of the distant father. But about the vision, it was still and formal, not in motion, about half the size of a window, but really just me aware of the window and then seeing JC and interpreting it as I thought about something that was kind of more satisfying, which was thinking of God seeing me pray to him anyway, thinking he doesn't like me.  I mean isn't that believable as something he would manage, like being caught being good, but it is in your mind.

But anyway I did see that but it wasn't that big of a deal. I think I am having a normal amount of seeing things and I am so glad because these are very mild sights and were almost totally gone with the overmedication.

I should take the medicine exactly but I just had stuff on my mind and became disturbed about it again at about 4 am.  So I should have taken the medicine at 3.

But anyway the review still matters to me. I think they try to make the most of it and I can see some ways that they do that and want to include key things.  And how they used the genre to convey some things.  Like they are helping me establish myself as sci-fi fantasy. I mean that is kind of cool.

I mean maybe some of this is so teens can make fun of me.  Like for them to see the inferiority of some of it.  For them to see the difference between this writing and some of the higher quality and yet isn't it kind of thoughtful.  Well I do not know.  People are too quick to say "what readers."

But anyway I am glad I am able to finish in my mind and accept the reactions to my books or even the overlook that has happened, the blindness, hypocrisy, etc. But I defend my insistence for ten years that something bad was happening, and I was being abused in my career, swindled, and experiencing a million dollar injustice. It isn't about the money but that quickly changes the scale from the hobby that people so desperately want to argue that it has always been.

When they ask for feedback I am going to tell them I think there could have been some more positives in a mixed review, and they looked for the craft weaknesses but ignored some of the other factors that frankly were extreme in the other direction, and as I said before, probably superlative.

 Hello everyone, it is Tuesday, April 21 at 11:18. I am feeling better about the review.  I think I am okay with it. I think they could have offered more praise as a balance but really they did give me good info, and I think they wanted to really be a blind reader and tell me things I did not know.  like for instance, waht they said about the journal format wasnt really it, but I think they are letting me know that the beginning I question might pass for a lot of readers as being like a journal narration.  That is actually helpful because I ahve worried about it.  They also said they liked the ending.  That is valuable to me.  They also classified it as fantasy, like it holds up as that genre. Well that is neat, and really kidn of generous, since it only overlaps with other realms and the mice mostly are in reality.  I mean I think that is nice.

What else.  They said some positives, and saying it meanders might mean they noticed my circumstantiality.  Like the book and plot don't really ramble but the writing does.  I am wordy and ramble a lot.  So I think they might have thought, okay, we will tell this person the craft weaknesses that we saw and you know what, it is all true and I know that.  But the good stuff is there, too, and why can't you say that.  I mean I gave you a chance to say only that if you really wanted to look for the best in it.

But anyway, I think that the books are going to reach people and certain goals I had are going to work.  I did want people to say, I could do this.  I mean even at 14 years old.  And I believe this book will work.  And I believe that it is similar to a child's imagination but with adult strength.  And the strength is humble and comes across almost like weakness.

But anyway I am happy that someone read my book.  I think some kirkus people have an idea of what I am about and it has not been apparent to everyone for a while.  So they know what I think of myself and what I am doing and they know kind of the comedy of it like what might be some unworthiness.

Anyway I mean maybe some of it is funny, I do not know. Maybe I will reread the review.  Maybe some people are interested in the summary and they know what they are doing to advertise our books.

Gice I just ate some of a taco and felt too full.  But it is okay. I do not have heartburn yet but it could happen later. I did not think about that.  I am going to drink some more coke, maybe make some coffee, and maybe some sherbet if I stay up late.

I think I won't have to go to the hospital because of this review.