Hello everyone. I just went to the post office. I mailed some books and it made me happy. I might go back at 4 pm to mail more books and pick up a package.  That is in an hour and a half. 

The post office people did something weird with the line but eventually things worked out. They know i will give them a good score on the feedback rating even if they threaten refusal to serve.  And I know they probabyl won't go through with refusal to serve, and that is good enough for me.  

I also picked up some iron pills at walgreens.  Hopefully that will go well. I might not start that until Friday.  But i do not know. 

I texted with some friends in recent days and it was unexpectedly powerful support. Like really deep with just a few texts.  

My facebook joke about despised and rejected is reaching 500 thousand views. That means that for this recent batch of boosts, it will be about 3 mil and not 2 mil. So that is weird that I hoped for that and then doubted it and felt bad and now see that okay that is about right.

So anyway I did not do well last night but now I know to take my medicine on the trip. I can do it, it will be fine. I will drive some too and not get in a wreck and not get pulled over. I am scared they will see my gender X on my license and just shoot me.

But probably it is fine.  A lot of people are facing that stuff much worse. I am still going to be in the middle and mediate even if everyone hates me for it.  That reminds me to send Becky those links.

 Ok everyone, it is Tuesday, March 17, St. Patricks Day. I called my mom and we resolved our problem.  Interestingly I think I was a little bit in the wrong this time but last year she already fussed at me when I got those stuffed animals for my nieces.

So okay. It kind of reminds me of something which is that I was going to get another stuffed animal for a suffering person I prayed for and then didn't.  I think the moment has passed and I do not know what all things like that ever mean.  A lot of times in New York when the moment passes it is really okay that way. To not do the nice thing, like you just can't always do stuff. 

Anyway that was the main trigger and I am okay.  And then about missign the presentation, it would have been good to go to but I overslept.  But maybe I needed the sleep. I had an interesting dream and I am so happy to be dreaming better.  It is like purchasing a new TV or getting a blockbuster card or something.

Also I started to not take the latuda last night and concluded that I will in fact take it as prescribed and try not to miss a dose in Greenville. I will just feel better and maybe I can correct my sleep schedule.

Now what about mailing books.  That will be okay. It will mostly be a break from it.

I think I will send a few messages now but I can't remember everyone.

 Gice I am having a rough day but it cheers me up that it is St. Patricks Day.  But last night I did not feel good because my room was hot and I had to skip medicine night before last in order to go get my rent check.  And then I forgot to set my alarm for the extra CE presentation that I did want to go to.  So I missed that and that is the main reason I am kicking myself.  But then my mom texted me just to say not to get my nieces a present when I am in town.  And that was a controlling anxious action that is part of her OCD and shows me her intent for the whole trip.  To control me like a toddler.  This might be my last visit.  That is sad. I have enjoyed going there over the years.  But I think we need to consider that if she is unvisitable then maybe she is ready to move to a new stage of care for herself.  So here we go, aging parent problems, plus thirty years of severe emotional abuse and undiagnosed mental disability that was heaped on me as my problem for my whole life.

And then weirdly I got an email last night at around midnight from an agent who is saying no thank you and it was actually very grounding when I didn't feel good. So that is mostly a good thing and helps even though it makes me feel bad like I was too religious in my query and then chose to post that purple joke yesterday.  But I think I made the right choices and am doing the best I can.  I think that the money will come before an agent ever does and that will be kind of sad for everyone. But really neither thing might ever come and my books catch on after I am dead.  And that is really cruel. It could be a spiritual condition, though.  Like this formula of poverty and low social status and answered prayer. That could be how it works.

Anyway, wow, that mom problem disturbs me.  I don't think anyone ever really knows how deeply disturbing it is when it happens.  And how my mom likes to make me feel that way and that is how she feels better. It is an anxiety disorder.  And then for Barnes and Noble to torture me and people to be like, how tragic, now Refried can't escape from her abusive mother.  When there were about five other routes to freedom if anyone out there cared to treat me like half of a normal person. I mean I am not even an animal, I am a germ in most people's eyes.

Anyway I think those are the main three issues.  It is weird how the agent thing is the most serious and yet that is okay. I mean I am okay, it feels like work, like health, like that is part of being a writer.  And the other stuff is messed up.  

Ok I did hear back from the license people and it would have helped to keep doing these classes but I just accidentally missed one today. Man that bothers me. Ultimately it is because of not feeling well because of the medicine.  And some people say told you so but they are wrong.  To go get my rent check I had to skip medicine. Try it yourself. You all would have committed suicide when you were 23. Hear it from me or hear it from God in front of all of humanity on Judgement Day.

So anyway, that leaves two problems, the mom problem who tells me the day before I leave that she will torture me the whole time I am there, and the problem of missing the extra presentation.  I just feel that an extra 3 hours would have been good.  But you know what? Some of those presentations messed with my mood.  So maybe it is okay that I missed it. I was just interested in the topic.

Anyway I hope the license thing works out.  I believe I can redo it all on my trip to Greenville if I need to. I could go to FedEx Office and try again.

I told Kayla I was sorry I called her the wrong name.  That was weird.

But a lot of people are in on the conspiracy.

It was depressing last night to not feel well and to go on facebook and not be able to find any friends' posts.  Just junk.  But this morning was better with a lot of St. Patricks Day posts of animals in green. I am glad I won't be a saint on that level.  I mean wow I would not want to be the subject of a holiday.

Was that bad to say, well it is weird times. Anyway let's count my blessings: two funny jokes, good videos, a new hobby, a reason to end the other hobby, I am mostly all set for my trip, medical numbers are okay but also probably the end is in sight, and things will probably work out with my mom.

I think I should sign up for the May comedy class but I have to talk to my mom about it. She is upset right now too because her habits are destructive for her as well.  It is a dementia but it only happens with me.  And that is why I may eventually need to not go visit at all.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is 9:41 on Monday, March 16. I was so rude in my therapy group tonight and was upset about my social work license process.  Because I had to re-send all my certificates and there is a risk that it will be messed up when either the google send should have been okay, or google should not be using a drive service. And I think that is the issue.  

Anyway, crazy times. I got a mysterious email but think it will be good. I mean what is the meaning of it. 

Tomorrow I am mailing a package but I might be late with some stuff for some people. 

But I don't know. I might mail those two things. And that is it for now. I mean it is not easy sometimes.

Gice my snap benefits were increased and I am so thankful.

My therapy group helped me with some major stuff today. 

I mean it was really amazing to the point where I question things ever being a problem. Like was that necessary? Anyway. Are people mad at me for taking less medicine. I know it is good and I know it is okay that I skipped it last night so I could go downtown in a timely manner.

That was weird at the post office today wasn't it.

Gice I got some more joke books. Aaron needs his copy and he feels hurt but he does not realize that I just got the copies today.

Does anyone have any thoughts? I am so sad about Palestine.  I could see where occupation could help if it was done right.  And if the humanitarian needs were addressed.

I still think my jokes page posts are okay.

I have reflected on my video shares and think I was a little bit obsessively greedy to keep wanting to hit 3 mil.  I think 2 mil is great and that is what is happening very well. I am sorry about that bad behavior.

Let's make a to do list for tomorrow:

mail books at post office

send a few messages asking if people want a free book

send becky the links for christine

do laundry

get iron pills

Call Gilbert

that is all

Gice I need to calm down about the social work license. I just don't appreciate this email situation and think that TZK hurt me, the license people hurt me, google hurt me, and that is all.

I think my trip will be fine and I need to adjust my attitude to thankful.

 Hello everyone. This is Refried. It is 5 pm on Monday, march 16. I am sad because I had to re-send my social work CE proofs. In order to upload them all, I used Google drive, and the office said they could not use Google drive. So I redid stuff but still don’t know if it is good enough. I had to send it all in multiple emails because some files were too large. And that was because of the agencies. Well I DONT APPRECIATE THAT.

Hopefully it will be okay. I also sent the person one of the new videos. I hope she can watch it.

Now I am listening to a song by Pat Benetar. I just love it. It reminds me of the mall and Bellevue.

That is why the conspiracy is playing it, so I can look forward to going to the mall.

I think there is still one issue which is that a screenshot isn’t a pdf. And they probably want pdfs so they can make one file.

 Gice that was a bit much in that next post, wasn't it. I think that is one of the few times I have ever said that, but it makes sense that it is about a googly eyed creature video.

Anyway I possibly hit numbers that are affected by time of the week etc.  But this is still a good reach for these videos.  I just feel like it slowed down a little for some of it.  I think there is more fluctuation for this than the memes. 

But I think it will be around 3 mil for all the posts. That is very good and I am happy with that amount of views. I mean honestly that is not thru plays.  That is just views. But these videos are simple and people can see the creatures and move on.

So anyway, that is good.  Soon I will go downtown to get my rent check. In about an hour. Then I will come back and go to the post office.  Then maybe I will go to Walgreens and get some over the counter iron pills.

My dreams were cool and vivid for the second or third night in a row. I think it is from reducing the latuda. The latuda caused suppression and striving in my dreams and I did not like it. I think I will feel much better and question why all this happened to me.

I need to make sure I keep my mood in check for my trip, because there could be effects from less medicine.  But I think mostly I will just be happier and more normal. And without that intense spiritual hole feeling.

Gice, these videos.  I just feel like the numbers dipped some but mostly it is good and I love the videos. That is fun and other people make videos too so why be selfish.  But I feel my missing friends and the junky media trash on the feeds, it is just horrible. And weird that those problems are so much of what is actually wrong in our country. So much of it is the algorithms and if there was a more friend friendly line up then it would change our lives like original facebook.

Anyway I always say that. Gice as I settle down I can remember the book goals.  I mean the consistent lesson is be thankful for what I have and things will be better in heaven without the problems.

I prayed a lot this weekend and other people can learn to do their share on that. I mean do people not want to have a say in things that can help people, I do not know.  There are a lot of good people out there.

I mean think of all the workers and coworkers who are nice people, and the facebookers who just wanted a laugh like anyone else.

So okay.  my numbers came back from labs.  It mostly seems okay. I believe the iron issue is partially from pantropazole. And maybe signs of kidney lupus. But so far in the clear.

Gice, psych meds, a horrible thing. I did get some benefit from lower doses, but these recent years have reminded me of other bad times, and how horrible it is. I mean being drugged like that, the weight of it, the health decline, the cap on consciousness and personality, the insult of it, the devastation.

Anyway does anyone have any thoughts.  I just thought that the video views were going to be more than the memes but I think we are looking at a similar range.  And that is still great. I mean 200k overnight for the lobster, that is awesome.  But I just notice the frog is not hitting that high as compared to the cost.

But anyway, okay everyone, that is all. Ups and downs, live and learn. Two more days until my trip.

Mostly I am done aren't I, like I lived most of my life. Yoo hoo, Ravneet, do you want to play cards.

Gice I missed another mensa games day, I just can't hack it at this time.

 Gice praise God and Jesus for the relief and hallelujah, the video was approved. I just loved the video and did not want it to get canceled for some reason.  I mean sorry to be religious about it but I am really relieved.  It still probably won't start sharing for a while but it at least has passed the review.

I guess that is also a reminder to be thankful for the other stuff that went well, like the publishing on amazon.  I mean the books did not reach a lot of people, but I at least got copies of the books and was able to legally change my name and advertise.  I think I reached about 600 thousand or even a million americans with the pen name, and it would be very publically unjust for anyone to mess that up.

So I think I am okay.  But honestly it should be like that.  It is my old nickname and it is original to use it.

Gice sometimes I haven't done that well. I think we should all look on the bright side about that.  Like what a mess every thing is but there will some day be a strainer that brings up some jewels and smooth magic stones from our lives.

Anyway, it was nice to see a photo of Sion.  Sion, I don't think I have sent you any books.  Gice I need to get Brian McC's mailing address and send a message to Sharon E.

I can do it, it just isn't easy. I am just aware of Sharon E's church schedule for some reason.  I mean whe might not even want a book but she is on the list.

Gice I just am so thankful that this lobster video is going to reach a lot of people.  It is number three and sometime I will do the mice for the next round of boosts. But I think this is enough for now.  3 and 3.

Ok that is all for now.  Thanks everyone for helping me stay alive. This is a good moment in my life, when the lobster video shares.