Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Wednesday, May 6. I went to a Nami support group and had a good time.  People are really going through a lot these days. I mean it is hard to believe but we are still the same nice people who were on facebook when it was such a miracle and I believe God will help us.

Tonight I ordered some more books and paid through affirm.  I think it was a good amount and I need to figure out who to mail to. I will have about 15 joke books to give away total, and 5 each of some other premium books.  But you know what, I think a lot of people would be happy with just a simple poetry book.  I am starting to assume people don't want the books because they are like me and can't read well.  But they can read fine and probably there are still a lot of potential readers.

Having my birthday and feeling the reality of just a few years left makes it easier for me to believe that I am never going to get a cash payoff for the books in my lifetime.  Like it is going to happen but not while I am here. I do not know why except maybe the conspiracy is trying to organize a life that has a certain suffering element to it for advocacy purposes.  And the idea is that I would rely on family money and never have a career that pays normally.  So I think I need to consider that and maybe talk to my mom some more about it.  I think this could be when I tell her the extent of my health stuff that she has been in denial about.  I think she does not ever want to get into a legal situation and I am kind of like that except that the abuses that have happened to me were so blatant.  It is hard to believe. I just don't know why they dared me to stand up for myself.

So anyway what is the total for me? It is limited.  It is about 24k times three.  plus maybe 25k extra.  So 100k left for me total. I am going to talk to my mom about it and see if we can afford for me to frontload some business expenses so the last three years, or really this year in particular, do the most they can to finish establishing the brand, reach people with books if they want one, and take reasonable advantage of the facebook opportunity.  I probably need to think about accepting some limits with facebook.  Like capping it at some point.  It will feel good to be done and I thought I was and then boom, there is a video opportunity.  I think that will last a year.  So maybe budget some now, some in the fall, and then really just let other people do their thing.  I am getting old and it is time to invest in whippersnappers.

Is that saying too much publicly.  Are people going to be mad at me?  I think if people think about their own cost of living then I am still in the low range. I mean a car alone would cost like 8000 a year.  And a house, no kids, no pets, no major debts, though a lot of expense is behind me.  But it is in the books and my survival.  The fact is that I survived and am at the thirty year mark for mental illness. 

So okay that just really made me feel better to get accepted for the affirm deal. Because wow I have had so many credit card rejections.  But I had acceptances but wow it is depressing when you don't get accepted.

So anyway okay that is all for now. 

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is 6:11. I woke up late today because I got some sleep without medicine and then I took my medicine and slept some more.

I have had a good day so far and am going to do laundry at about 9 or 11 o’clock.

My friend’s pet died and when I was texting her, she was so nice to me and it took me by surprise. So that is from God and really a nice thing that helps me a lot.

Then I sent a note to a hospital with an idea that I had for pet care when patients suddenly have to be hospitalized.

Hopefully that will help someone out there.

Gice life in NYC is not that easy and yet sometimes there are provisions here that aren’t everywhere.

I am going to run out of milk soon. I have enough for one more coffee. Maybe tomorrow I will walk to 7-11. 

Gice my money is low because I spent it on facebook videos to reach India but I made my choice and am okay for a while.

Gice honestly I still have space on two credit cards.

Anyway ups and downs live and learn.

What should I do tonight. I think I might make a cake.

We’ll have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Tuesday, May 5. I just turned 49 today. It is my birthday.  Almost 50.  That is great. I think I am going to live until I am 53.

There was an issue with the train on the way to comedy class. 

I jsut worked so hard this afternoon so I could show up with no problem. But the issue on the train seemed like something that happened another time. And I gave up and went back to my neighborhood.

I am eating some wings and lemonade tonight and attending two other groups online. I emailed my comedy teacher my new jokes.

I am very disabled now. I think everyone needs to manage their expectations of me.  I am pretty much done and the thing left to do is sell the books.  And my presence is in the books and that needs to be enough for most people.

Well, have a nice day everyone.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. I am sitting in my apartment. I went to the post office and got a birthday present that my mom sent me. That was nice of her. She has always done well with that stuff even during times of torture.

I also picked up a box of five more joke books.  I do not know who all the recipients will be.  One thing I do think is that it is wasteful for people to not be getting books from the amazon site while they are available.

Anyway it is 2 pm. At 3 pm I will try to take a shower and then at 4 I will try to leave to go to comedy class.  There is still a chance I won't go because of the locked gate but I believe I probably will. I might skip the next class though.  Because I think I have already prepared a lot of jokes.

I think I am not going to call my mom today because the texts and birthday present went well.  I mean can't I send her a thing of molasses chips from Sees for mother's day. I think I should do that right now.

Well have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. I just took my medicine. I have been taking it in the mornings. I had some dreams so I think I got some sleep. And now I will sleep about four more hours and then go to the post office hopefully. 

I will make some coffee soon if I don't fall back asleep.

Gice how do you feel about my videos.  I feel like this batch was iffy in some ways but still mostly okay.  And live and learn, ups and downs.  Gice earlier this year I was going to mail books and then I spent the budget on facebook but I feel like it helped me reach more people in the big picture.

Gice did you all like what I just emailed to myself. Gice hopefully I will have a good trip downtown today. I felt better last night.  People still try to get in my room in the middle of the night but maybe that works out for me to sleep in the morning instead.

Gice I didn't do that well on facebook in recent weeks but it is my actual posts and I think that is okay. I will do a constructive dismissal post and then that will be about it for torture.  

Well, have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Monday, May 4. Tomorrow is my birthday. For my birthday I am going to comedy class.  

My videos are finishing up soon and the numbers are good.  I also prayed well this time. I know the bible says not to say when you pray but I do say it so people will expect to get something.

Today was a weird day. I think it was because I slept some before taking medicine and felt a tired feeling that affected my thoughts.  And it lasted all day. I think some of that might be from sharing the videos. It is a spiritual warfare issue of some kind.  So that is interesting. 

I drank a milkshake and it was yummy.  The 2 percent milk is easier to make a milkshake with. I am perfecting the process a little bit on that. 

How do you think my meeting with Connie went? I enjoyed it. I kind of yapped her ear off but I could not help it because I was so freaking disturbed by my spiritual problems overnight. And I was scared that it would ruin the meeting with Connie and even wondered if it was on purpose.  So that is a little bit of paranoia.  I mean I do not know why but people do trigger it sometimes and it is them, not me.

So anyway, I am 92 percent done with my life!  That is really awesome and I am thankful.  Hopefully it will be a good finale.  Hopefully my books will not get wasted. It is weird because I do not know whether to expect good things or more suffering and loss.  But I think in some ways I could see some stuff as done and in other people's hands. What do you guys think about that part of library book when I say the best thing in my life are the people? I just wonder if that did not do God right in a way. Well I do not know.  Maybe people can discuss it and intend to do better and not say things like that. Like was I supposed to say that it is in God's hands? I mean I am talking about a profession.  An industry, and there are other people whose decisions affect me.  

Well, that is all. I felt like writing a blog post but didn't really have anything to say.

Gice I am going to be tenth wave instead of for such a time as this.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is 4:39. I talked to my friend Connie earlier about my kirkus reviews and I am feeling okay about it all.  She thinks it is a good idea to get some more casual reviews on my sites.  

I also packed up a few joke books to send to two people who did not get joke books yet.  It was so sweet when one person asked for one because I did not expect her to want one after I gave her possibly too many poetry books.

I also cooked some eggs and bacon and I did not do well with the cooking. The bacon was not as crispy as usual and the eggs had too much bacon grease but it is all okay and still yummy.

There is something that bothered me overnight and then I was successful in a dream about it but I don't know what I am supposed to do and I do not know if it is on purpose from anyone. I think I am okay but it is weird how I did not really know what to do.

Tonight I am hoping to go to the anxiety group for nami. I don't think I have other appointments scheduled.  I am still avoiding the bad person from the other group I am in.

I think this recent video boost did a number on me.  Possibly I should end the ads and see if I feel better. It could be some kind of spiritual issue from sharing to millions at a time. But I do not really know.

But I possibly am out of money for it anyway. Maybe I will pause it right now.