Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is 4:30 on Friday. I am doing okay after a crazy week. I posted some posts on facebook and mostly got a lot of support. 

I think I traumatized a few friends who were also shaken up the last time I spoke out about my main rejection and career loss.  I think because they have treated me well, they don’t see what’s missing. They might not really see any of the five career losses. All of those devastations were mean and unfair, and there is a range of the cost for all of them. Both in terms of what was invested and what was prevented. 

And then the issue of who took or ruined the opportunities and how. I do not know to what extent I should try to explain. One career truly was worth millions and no one believes that but I do know that and a few other people know it as well. And then the cashiering career, to be a Starbucks worker or something like that, seems like the least loss, but in a way it was the worst. Because people had to take away my health to prevent that, and I am going to die from it without anyone even getting fired, much less the criminal charges they deserve. And the fact that a job like that was already my main means of basic survival and societal participation.

But I do have it good in a housing program and yet even here just a year ago I was being tortured for two years by racist trash. It just seems like I am ok though, and no harm no foul. 

But I can see the finish line. I could drink too much coffee now and be gone in an hour. If I get too many bad emails in a day I will have to have emergency gallbladder surgery.

People have careers and houses and fame with just one out of a thousand of the ideas and projects I have done. Yet I can barely walk down the street past all the dropout drug dealers who mock me and block me.

Spiritually I have to accept total loss each time I think I have recovered from another insult of being left out of national discussions and symbolic paychecks. I have to repeatedly conclude that I can just start over again in heaven. Well I am glad to know about heaven and maybe that is one of God’s lessons and purposes for me. But other people seem to have a lesson of harvesting their work and being allowed to not be perfect.

What people have done for me in a recovery path is very precious and priceless but there is something I will not be able to pretend is okay. And I can already see that when it happens to me, it is God’s will, but when it happens to everyone else, there will be a war.

 Hello everyone, it is 4:45 on Wednesday, Feb 25. I just finished reading Jane Eyre. It was great. I personally don't know how she saw through the trap of the missionary option. All the sections of the book were very thorough. So that is cool, it is a good book.

Ok here is the situation. I made an ad for my book called Grace-ism.  I think it is a good ad and very interesting but I hesitated and asked my friend Claire what she thought and she said not to post it.  But I am going to ask another friend and I think I will end up posting it.  But I might post two or three ads at one time.  

So I could do the novel review, then maybe a God loves you post with either a numbers update or a link to books, and then the grace-ism ad, and one more with the cartoon blobs.  So I do not know.  I think I have to wait until later. It will be okay. I will be a late night weirdo. It is okay.

I think in a way I don't have anything to lose and that was what that secret message was about.

It is possibly Claire will send a message for someone to beat me to it.  So now I need to post it immediately. Like right this second.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. Today is Wednesday, Feb 25. The next thing for me to do is finish Jane Eyre. I think it will be good and I am glad I got to reread it for the third time but with a lot of skimming all three times.

I just got back from walking to the post office and Wendy's.  Then I stopped at my doctor's office and made an appointment for March 10.  Then my psychiatrist called me and switched tomorrow's appointment to March 9. So I feel happy and supported from them and I think my gallbladder and other problems are mostly okay. But I still feel hints of each thing sometimes.  Doctors are brave and maybe they know if they lose me it will mostly be okay and a lot of people did all they could for me.

So anyway, my next facebook post will probably be a photo of the post office. If you are reading this because of the link on my facebook page, it is actually the post after the next post that I was referring to as a more interesting post than normal.

Wow, this was a crazy full week, wasn't it? So many weird challenges, and yet I feel my disability, too, like how I kind of can't do anything at all.

But anyway that is all for now. I got my recent books in the mail. Possibly I should have given one to my new friend from Wendy's, but I gave him my baked potato.  Then I worried about his salvation but did not give him a book with a cross on it. So I hope he will be okay.

 Gice I think this is what I am going to add to the comments:

the efirds were satan's trophy hostages, and then again in 2010, and again in 2022. It will probably happen one more time and that will be all. I can drink four coffees and be gone. 

2002 was a captivity ptsd, 2012 was a combat ptsd, 2023 was captivity, then 2030 will probably be combat again and I'll get hit with an actual bullet. And people will call me a martyr but the real martyrdom was staying alive. 

 But I am hesitating because of some of the actual situations. But in a way I don't hesitate and will stand by any of it but in another way there are people still out there on that other level.

the thing that stopped me was that there wasn't the right spacing on the comments. so then I hit return and it was too early. so then i tried again and doubted it.

but anyway I need to take medicine soon.

here is another possible: my first manic episode was in the new york times, but writing a hundred books wasn't in my hometown newspaper.

i'm leaving off a few things that for some reason I feel are not my jurisdiction. optional but i choose not to in both cases. Really there are three zingers like that.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Sunday, Feb 22 at 11:21 pm. I just joined the NASW. The National Association of Social Workers. I do not know why I did not think of it until now.  I think it was because I was not employed as a social worker.  So I felt like a second class citizen.  And that could cost me my license, because I did not feel worthy of attending the CE credit trainings that turned out to be required.

So that is a sad story. A story spanning my entire adulthood.  From the day I decided I needed to change my major but couldn't, until a day soon when I hear bad news from the license agency. Really beyond that, because I have to now decide what to do with the mentions of "LMSW" in my books that are print on demand. Going by the copyright date is a good defense for that, but I do not have rights or a lawyer.

But it is possible that the license people will give me an extension.  If so, I think I will be okay and I am not really doing anything else besides the classes anyway.

Something interesting for the med schools is that I genuinely forgot that I was supposed to get CE credits and I also have a level of dementia, but it is not really because of the dementia that I forgot.  That is how I see it.  I see it as I genuinely didn't know.  But I think that a lot of social workers probably find themselves in this situation and it is possible that the license people see this as familiar.  And yet I think it could be mistaken as time slipping up, when I genuinely didn't know that CE applied to me.  I was just wrong and forgot. Because of being on SSDI.

Anyway I gave my website on the email I sent so theoretically, they could read this particular post, but it is not really written to them directly.  And yet I know they could read it. So that is a thing but not that important. I mean they can read my blog or not.  I mean what if I had fifty posts addressed to them by name.  That would still be okay.

I should read the code of ethics soon just to refresh myself.  Is that the joke? To refresh myself and it was time to renew the license?  Pretty funny, guys. I cried today. It was the same crying as when I lost my teaching job.  Honestly I was glad to feel those feelings instead of something like depression pain or something. Crying is very healthy.  But I think that is some points for those anti psychology people who believe everything is spiritual and mental illness isn't real.  Because there is a possibility that all my emotions have always been normal and are actually some kind of "Post Traumatic Stress Order."

Anyway, this is really good material, isn't it. I don't think it is meant as just content for my books, though. I feel that the intended audience is the actual social work profession through points of contact at the licensing people and NASW.  Possibly I have the two organizations conflated.

And then I think also the thing I might have forgotten is that I considered myself to be working as a writer and used my apartment address as the address for work twice, both as my writing small business and as the social work headquarters for the license. And it is against housing rules to work from the apartment.  But they correctly concluded that it isn't like I am having nonresident clients come see me here.

Something else interesting is that those tears earlier are probably my actual martyrdom, and the heart problems, trauma recovery, and disability is probably just from losing against a satanic attack.

I mean I do not know.  If it were someone else, I would tell them to expect some credit for it.

Well, that is all everyone, have a good day.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is 6:38 am on Saturday, Feb 21. I am a little shaken up because of a crazy day yesterday and a trip to the ER for my gallbladder. My gallbladder hurt all day and I felt that I needed to see a doctor about it. But I saw my neurologist yesterday morning for my routine appointment.

The gallbladder cramped up because I got a Kirkus review and freaked out a little bit, but I am mostly happy with the review. It was an interesting experience.  And then I thought the gallbladder was calming down in the afternoon but I got an email about my social work license and I am way behind on CE credits. And I stupidly thought that I didn't have to do those because I was disabled.  And weirdly, absurdly, I wanted to take those classes and thought it was inappropriate for me to be there because I am not working.  And I kind of couldn't handle it and it further excaserbated my gallbladder problems.  

So then I went downtown and ate a great dinner with my friend Sharon.  And I was almost like a normal friend.  And the meal was not that expensive.  So that was great, and I had good food and it was not food that aggravated my gallbladder.  But I could feel that my gallbladder was still an issue. 

So on the way home I stopped at the Weill Cornell ER. I think I did the right thing.  I think I might have been able to go home but then I might have had to call an ambulance to take me to Jacobi.  I might have been fine there.  Possibly next time I will do that but I like the Weill Cornell people. I mean this might have been goodbye.  But I do not know.

Something interesting is that I got cold and they put a warm blanket on me and it made me feel better.  But I was shaken up by being there, and I could tell that people there are suffering and feel some stress.

So I did not want to add to it but I am glad I could see it. It was such a different impression than when I went there last year and it was almost empty and very peaceful and it almost seemed as if people were bored.  

This time I mostly hung out with the fellas.  Ermil the ultrasound guy, and Ivan the NP, Dr. David, Dr. Curato, who I did not recognize, and some other nice people.  There were nice nurses whose names I did not get except for Jessica and I just do not know. So I will send a note hopefully saying they did good for me. I told them I was a frequent ER junkie but at the same time, I do only go when I need to and to me, gallbladder pain is not ankle pain.  It is an organ of the body and if it bursts, you could die.  And I am not that scared of dying but don't want that in between feeling for any amount of time.

So anyway, when I was there, my heart rate was very high.  And it was because of the stress that was aggravating my gallbladder.  I think they knew that because I told them.  I told them the two stressors.

But anyway they have stressors right now too.

This morning I need to pick up some medicine from Walgreens and then go to a NAMI social downtown.  It will not be that easy to take another train ride downtown but I can do it.

The other thing is to accept a scholarship to a conference.  I tried to run it through and was not able to correctly so I need to talk to Becky again.  Becky really made me feel better about the Kirkus stuff.  I mean I felt okay but Becky's reaction was just what I needed.  I emailed her about it because I thought she might like to know about that resource, and the question of whether people should do it, and how it would benefit Christian writers.

So that is interesting.  Maybe I will do a separate post about my review.  I am happy with the review but they used the word frantic in one line, and I think they could have framed it more positively.  I think my depiction of an anxiety disorder was really creative and accurate, and why couldn't that be recognized instead of having the book called frantic, as if the book was written in despearation. Because it wasn't. I was mostly a plotter and not a panster, and there were things in that book that reflect years of thought and spiritual work.  But I think also they were acknowledging something about the prayer life in the book, that it was fear based, and a trauma reaction to an ongoing twelve year crisis of underemployment. 

And yet I was disabled, and was in the right place for God's plan.

So that it the other thing is to perceive God's plan happening. I mean I don't know.  Possibly this is all humbling not just for me as a writer, but spiritually, as I am just a regular person who is freaking out in some ways and just going through the day seeking comfort and food and meaning. And to not feel like an ace chaplain at the ER.  But I kind of was an ace near the Cathedral Wednesday.

So that is interesting.  I think part of the role last night is just to be able to remember all those people in the future for prayers and cares. And it was a vivid, impressionable experience.

Well, that is all. I mean frankly I believe there was a risk of emergency surgery but I felt more likely that what was needed was an assessment of how long I have with this gallbladder condition as it is.

I mean I do not know, and I think they freaked me out more at first to see if my gallbladder could take it.

That is what I told the nurse whose name I did not get.  I think she was a really good person.

Well, have a good day everyone. It is about 7 am. In one hour I will probably try to go get medicine. I kind of wish I had gotten that backpack at Jacobi but I was not able to.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is about 6:30 on Feb 16. I just ate some yummy potatoes. I had a good day today and felt good. I do not know why. I wonder if people prayed for me. I thought of another maybe name for that list which is Cas Smith, but I might think of him as a different group. But he was nice to me and it helped a lot.

So anyway this afternoon I updated my resume. I am happy with it but wonder where the missing book sales are. I just don’t understand. I mean people could say what about the missing teaching career. And yet for some reason I am not as bothered by that on the resume. Possibly because I didn’t actually teach after that career is gone, but I did write the books.

I guess I don’t know how many have sold. I mean did people send around that link? I got that person’s name wrong in the next post didn’t I. It is Harper and a different name. I will probably be able to remember it another time but can’t there be a caption or something. 

Anyway I figured out something really helpful to remember with the facebook stats and that is that there are about 3 million likes. Maybe even 5 million by now. So I think I can let that solve the mystery of organic reach.

And I have to say that I might be finishing up. I mean I should not waste the opportunity and if I do some more cool images then I will share, but I just wonder if one good year was enough. And round it off at a hundred mil.

I mean that is great. But anyway sorry to be annoying or brag but sometimes I am in a vacuum and where is my career? I mean there are some things unexplained.

I just microwaved some coffee and I guess I will think about where to send the class sets. Does anyone really want some books like that? I personally would if I were a teacher, especially for college.

Gice who are the people. I think it isn’t Katherine and Haley. Emily Grigg would be good but I really think these books are for teens more than middle school. So why start at the edge. What about Jessica Gilbert. Hmm. How many students is that. I would do a threefer if someone wanted to gift it to all their classes but in a way I think that is a bit much. 

What about Anne Parris. Maybe. What about other MFA pals who teach. I can’t just do an announcement because no one will see it.

I just don’t know. I mean maybe break up the sets and mail 5-7 to twenty people. Because what if that is too much to ask from a teacher. Well I personally think some young people would like some books. Who am I forgetting, I do not know.

Well, that is all. Have a good day everyone.