Gice I am having a rough day but it cheers me up that it is St. Patricks Day.  But last night I did not feel good because my room was hot and I had to skip medicine night before last in order to go get my rent check.  And then I forgot to set my alarm for the extra CE presentation that I did want to go to.  So I missed that and that is the main reason I am kicking myself.  But then my mom texted me just to say not to get my nieces a present when I am in town.  And that was a controlling anxious action that is part of her OCD and shows me her intent for the whole trip.  To control me like a toddler.  This might be my last visit.  That is sad. I have enjoyed going there over the years.  But I think we need to consider that if she is unvisitable then maybe she is ready to move to a new stage of care for herself.  So here we go, aging parent problems, plus thirty years of severe emotional abuse and undiagnosed mental disability that was heaped on me as my problem for my whole life.

And then weirdly I got an email last night at around midnight from an agent who is saying no thank you and it was actually very grounding when I didn't feel good. So that is mostly a good thing and helps even though it makes me feel bad like I was too religious in my query and then chose to post that purple joke yesterday.  But I think I made the right choices and am doing the best I can.  I think that the money will come before an agent ever does and that will be kind of sad for everyone. But really neither thing might ever come and my books catch on after I am dead.  And that is really cruel. It could be a spiritual condition, though.  Like this formula of poverty and low social status and answered prayer. That could be how it works.

Anyway, wow, that mom problem disturbs me.  I don't think anyone ever really knows how deeply disturbing it is when it happens.  And how my mom likes to make me feel that way and that is how she feels better. It is an anxiety disorder.  And then for Barnes and Noble to torture me and people to be like, how tragic, now Refried can't escape from her abusive mother.  When there were about five other routes to freedom if anyone out there cared to treat me like half of a normal person. I mean I am not even an animal, I am a germ in most people's eyes.

Anyway I think those are the main three issues.  It is weird how the agent thing is the most serious and yet that is okay. I mean I am okay, it feels like work, like health, like that is part of being a writer.  And the other stuff is messed up.  

Ok I did hear back from the license people and it would have helped to keep doing these classes but I just accidentally missed one today. Man that bothers me. Ultimately it is because of not feeling well because of the medicine.  And some people say told you so but they are wrong.  To go get my rent check I had to skip medicine. Try it yourself. You all would have committed suicide when you were 23. Hear it from me or hear it from God in front of all of humanity on Judgement Day.

So anyway, that leaves two problems, the mom problem who tells me the day before I leave that she will torture me the whole time I am there, and the problem of missing the extra presentation.  I just feel that an extra 3 hours would have been good.  But you know what? Some of those presentations messed with my mood.  So maybe it is okay that I missed it. I was just interested in the topic.

Anyway I hope the license thing works out.  I believe I can redo it all on my trip to Greenville if I need to. I could go to FedEx Office and try again.

I told Kayla I was sorry I called her the wrong name.  That was weird.

But a lot of people are in on the conspiracy.

It was depressing last night to not feel well and to go on facebook and not be able to find any friends' posts.  Just junk.  But this morning was better with a lot of St. Patricks Day posts of animals in green. I am glad I won't be a saint on that level.  I mean wow I would not want to be the subject of a holiday.

Was that bad to say, well it is weird times. Anyway let's count my blessings: two funny jokes, good videos, a new hobby, a reason to end the other hobby, I am mostly all set for my trip, medical numbers are okay but also probably the end is in sight, and things will probably work out with my mom.

I think I should sign up for the May comedy class but I have to talk to my mom about it. She is upset right now too because her habits are destructive for her as well.  It is a dementia but it only happens with me.  And that is why I may eventually need to not go visit at all.