Hello everyone, I just made some really yummy cheese grits. You use instant grits, very hot water, butter, and mozzarella cheese. Wow it was great. Soon I will take my medicine. Possibly I will make more cheese grits or actually I am thinking oatmeal. I am okay for now and see that it is about the medicine change. I feel thankful for this to be the medicine change and not a new medicine with horrible side effects.

I hope this will make me less lazy and maybe I will exercise. One of my support group friends got to do the weight loss program and I am happy for her but it hurt my mood a little and I don't know why. I was just feeling emotional after that book ban talk and then boom I got hit with mental health sadness. But it is okay. The person was nice to me today instead of the weird mean people.  I think I need to go to some web pages and get addresses for the books.

It is possible that I will go to pages and not be able to send something so please everyone be patient.

 Ok I think the Bridge is escalating things because of a slight medicine change. Because I am going to be on 40 mg latuda instead of 60. So they are putting me on the brink of going to the hospital.  But I already was providing for that safety by requesting to be in a php program.  So I have to say I don't respect them.  As much as they want to say it is for my benefit, it isn't.  It ruins my life. The php would have sufficed. And I did need it, and people think I don't but I do. And now it is going to get worse.

I am holding some of it in. I am not saying all I think about it. 

I thought about seeing if I could take a 3 month break from Jewish Board but I think I should continue participating during my medicine adjustment.  I expect no difference whatsoever except I will have the energy to go to the grocery store more often and not lose all the OTC allocation. They will be abusing me there too, to see if I can take it.  Well I can't. What has been eroded in these past four years is a shameful tragedy and wasteful assault on innocent life. I am glad I am not a part of it as an employee.  

I think I should plan to help my mom but we need a back up so as not to depend too much on the trip.  The train trips have been reliable in the past but I do not know what to do. Possibly we should get it over with in the fall. Like early november. I am going to call Claire Bateman tomorrow because I think she knows how bad the problem is. Ok that is making me feel better. The most dangerous loss zone was prevented. I survived the bookstore, wrote the poems, and had blessings and friends. And people did something creative and even though most of the blessings were destroyed, the work itself will endure. The gesture and the effort, the sacrifice and the success. People can do crimes and deface property any time.  Buildings are sitting out there waiting to be spray painted. And that is what happened to me. The invisible barriers that keep people from pushing each other down the stairs just weren't there for me. 

Ok that is enough for now. I need to send Ravneet a text because I said a curse word.  I told her some names I wanted to call people. But I think I should keep standards around Ravneet.

 Well everyone, I just got ready for inspection and worked all day on it and my case manager is somewhere else and I don't have inspection tonight. How horrible to not let me know. What a bad person. 

I don't think I need to say anything else. God will say it in front of a bigger audience. It kind of gives me insight to other racism I have experienced. 

I have been hoping things get better soon but I am not sure I am right about that.

My sister is having problems too and it is triggering me and making me reflect on lifelong family problems.  And my mom is going to have hip surgery and expecting me to caregive. I think I should call her tomorrow and get an update on that. I think I need to tell her it won't be me who is a nurse for her, not now and not ever. It is just weird how I prepare for the worst case and then that is what happens.

It is weird to suddenly have bad feelings after a good day. My doctor told me today that she would reduce the problem medicine. Possibly she already did a prescription for 60 mg until september, but just her word that eventually we will switch to 40 mg is enough to feel relief about that.

I don't know if the bridge is torturing me because I skipped mental health program today but they possibly are.  What kind of organization gets the janitors to bully you as mental health treatment. It just makes me feel hate.  I guess this is when I pray for forgiveness again.  For a lot of people.

Well, that is all. I forgot that Drena was away for two days. I sent her a message but I think she will be happy. The nami group tonight was okay but I had to leave early. I think I made the right choice.

 Hello everyone. There was a recently a shooting in NYC and one of the people was on the board of the MoMA. Well I just went to MoMA.  And that same person went to Yale. And I just had some Yale theology confirmed by Psalm 22. And the guy who did the shooting looks a lot like a guy named Mickie from my old PHP program and I am in the line up for a possible php soon.  I am kind of thinking I should do cabs to north central. What do you gice think? I do not know.

Anyway I mention that because sometimes it does seem like things have to do with me.

Gice I hope I don't get a stomachache. The rice tasted kind of weird.  I think it is okay though. I smelled it and it smelled fine. But when I ate it without the peanut sauce it tasted weird. But it is from a bag I just opened. I think I am okay though.  I think it is digesting fine.

Well, have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone. Today is Wednesday. I feel good and happy because I talked to two nice people this afternoon. A hospital person and a poet.  The poet just published a book and I think it is the perfect publisher.  Way to go Silvia!! That is a happy event in my life is meeting that person and being in a workshop and reading her poems. I think we will eat sometime in NYC but I said diner and she thought I said dinner.  The other person was also a Ravneet, and she helped me see that I need to lose some weight on my own.  Just ten more pounds and I am in range of normal. She was nice to me. Thanks NYP.

So okay. I am watching another survival cabin video. It is great. I am not tired of it yet but sometimes I skip to the end. I like this one because she is going faster and doing things the easy way sometimes.

I made some chicken and peanut sauce and it is very yummy. I hope my gallbladder doesn't mind. My gallbladder has a hard time with peanut butter. I made some rice for it and it is great. Right now the stove is cooking off and there is a burnt place that hopefully won't set off the fire alarm. I think I will throw in a chunk of ice but I need the ice for soda so maybe I will just let the water cool it but it is steaming. I have to have a pot over the burnt place so it won't smell.

Today the maintenance people at the apartment suddenly showed up to clean the drain even though the request was put in about five or six months ago.  Yesterday one of them played music very loudly outside my door. I am not sure why they are targeting me again but I reported them for prior bullying.  They could have been excused but now probably won't be. It is kind of sad but wow the disrespect was on levels of abuse and I don't do that to anyone. I think maybe the housing place caught them and this is when they face what they did last time.  But that makes 6 abusers from two years ago.  That really hurt my life.

Well, now I will rest for a while before support group.  There is a networking session at 7 for 540 but I am going there tomorrow so I will skip tonight. I should tell my other writers group about it. I mean from Greenville, SC. Have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone. Today is Tuesday, July 29. It is a 7-11 day. 

I skipped mental health program today and I think I am not going to comedy class either.  Possibly if I look at the temperature and it says 95 at 5 pm, then I will consider going after all.  But I think I have to skip. It is because of the heat. I am treating it like a snow day. 99 degrees just really is too hot for me.  And not just that, but 20 degrees too hot. Not ten degrees too hot, but twenty.

It is hard to miss out and I can feel how I am a loser. But I have not called out much in life. I just cant stand a heat wave. Hopefully Ben can forgive me. I just can't go out in this heat.

It might flood on friday too so I might need to call my psychatrist office and ask for a telehealth.

Does anyone have any opinions about it.

I saw that I have some readers for this blog. I did not realize that there could be several repeat readers.  I thank you all very much and maybe I will try to improve the quality of it.

Soon my internet speed will drop for two whole weeks. It is because I left it on overnight twice in a row.

Does anyone think I should go to comedy class after all? I have a long walk outside and I just can't endure it. But some people say well take the bus. Well that will be hard too. I just don't think I can go.

 I just visited the instagram page of bella buddy birdie. The doggy is not recovering well after the surgery. Soon it will get its stitches out. I hope it is okay. 

I made some coffee. I am going to try to recover from the bad feelings of today. I felt bothered by several problems earlier. Probably it will all work out fine. I think my mom needs a separate nurse for when she has hip surgery. I told her I would travel there. But I think we should not count on that. I think it needs to be independent. I am starting to dread it like a bad experience that I can't avoid.

I think there might be spiritual warfare but I do not know why. I do not know what it has to do with. Usually it has to do with my jokes page. But it feels a little bit more successful against me like it is less about mild intrusive thoughts and more forceful. So does it have to do with the books? I mean I do not know. Am I going to mail out some books soon? Is that it?

Once it happened before a mensa thing and I wondered if that was going to be an outlet for the joke book or something.  But I think it is not, and isn't different from anything else.

Well, have a nice day everyone.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. I am feeling close to back to normal after a bad mood earlier as I reflected on the abuse and disrespect involved in my medicine change. I concluded that giving latuda a try wasn't that bad of an idea and happened way after Tamara abused me. It started with being on too much risperdal, so the abuse is still a factor, and over all I do think I have been harmed by medical people.

However I think I can stay positive because the medicine could be much worse. I do feel stable on it, mostly in a decent mood, and my weight gain did stop. I did not lose the risperdal weight but I did stop gaining. The people now want to make that last risperdal go away but I do not think they know how much I depend on risperdal and how bad a manic episode will be. 

I had a few trolls on my recent india boost for facebook, but mostly it went well with very few problem people. I mean it was literally two people out of 1.2 million who really bothered me.   So I won't let it get to me.  It is two american trolls, possibly the same person. I will just block them soon.

One said "Jesus wouldn't use AI." And one said "No hate, but why is Jesus black." Well the Jesus was light brown and looked great. It could not have been better, so I didn't really appreciate a weird american troll heaping his worthlessness onto the scene. And as for the AI, you just don't know that. I mean it is kind of interesting but mostly annoying.

I missed a good theology session but wanted to listen to a song.

Tomorrow I talk to my therapist at 11 and then the mental health counselor at 12:15. So I will try to wake up early enough for that. That means I should take my medicine at about midnight.

I think I will let myself feel back to normal and not worry about the mood problem today. If you think about it I was just mad and my mood wasn't out of control.

Well, that is all. 

 Hello everyone, today is Monday, July 28. I was patient about a few things today. One thing is that I am waiting a day to inquire about the weight loss program, because I might try to do a php. Another thing is that I got mad but stayed at my mental health program without leaving.  And this resulted in buying some candy at walgreens, as well as some detergent that I needed.  Another thing is that I did not apply for a credit card. I might apply for the US Bank credit card.  But I do not know for sure. 

I am trying to mentally prepare for stopping my facebook page if I have to for financial reasons.  I just think that wastes an opportunity to bless people in a way that I like being blessed which is through cute or funny memes.

I made some chili this afternoon and it is yummy enough. It is kind of runny and I did not have chili seasoning or even taco seasoning this time.  But I had garlic salt and it tastes fine to me. I might keep watching videos of people building cabins and eating meat and vegetables in the woods. I think that will make me appreciate the style of chili that I made.  I wanted to add chicken but that is where I did not have patience and I will cook the chicken soon and use polynesian sauce with it. I mean actually I could make a corn chowder, couldn't I.  Remember when Krsytn Skellenger made that corn chowder and I ate it like some kind of british orphan and then she gave me the rest of it to take home? Pretty funny.

I texted ravneet today with some complaints about the abuse I experienced for two years at the bridge. I mean it is a fact. I am trying to have some hope that things get better soon. I think my mom might have to have hip surgery and she is irrationally anxious and avoidant about it. I don't want to be her caregiver during the days of recovery. I did offer to travel there but I just don't want that role because of the nature of her abuse. I saw that my life would be like that but it is still hard to believe.

I think soon I will try to read some of the imaginary mice series and see if I am able to read sometimes. I was able to read poncheesy sometimes, and other times I could not read it.

Today I saw my orders for books and mistakenly thought that a few of my orders were from other people.  And it just changes everything if I had any orders at all.  But it is all zeroes. A lot of people have helped me in life, but there have been some terms that really cause some question of whether people did right.

Soon I am going to a nami group.  Will it be creative writing or the suicide group.  I do not really know.  I have therapy tomorrow.  I mean why go to the suicide group and tell everyone my most extreme feelings.

Hello everyone, this is Refried. Here is a new meme I might send around soon. The photo is not an exact automatic match but I think it is okay. Soon I go to mental health program. I forgot the other stuff I was going to do today. I think I freaked out some this weekend about not being able to read and became impatient about medicine. But I think in some ways I am too patient and have allowed myself to be on the wrong medicine.  The problem is that if they change it I could be tortured again by housing.  Their secret assessors could signal that the medicine is too minimal so they have me sent to the hospital again by abusive means. So I might need to move somewhere else as I go back to my meds.  What is needed is one mg risperdal and 600 mg trileptal.

I wondered for a few minutes yesterday if I do have another life ahead of me where I live in a nice place with my girlfriend and things get better after book sales.  But I am just not sure that happens. I think that the real path is decline and death over the next few years.  Which means I should not take up the girlfriend's time necessarily.

But anyway sometimes I feel hate from the book world. Like I am aware that it could get worse and more people overtly disrespect me. I think that will be sad for them and they will be part of a life story with symbolic haters and it was them.

Anyway I will try to go to my mental health program at 12 pm.
 

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. Today is Sunday, July 27. I went to church this morning online. Rev Amanda taught and it was great. I enjoyed the whole service. And my donation went through last night so possibly it is still secretly my half church or third.

I mean maybe I have three churches. Ravneet sent me a nice message today.

I have been watching videos of people building small cabins in the woods and I am really into it and think that is something I would enjoy doing. But I think I am a new york city person until the end and won't ever go back to a mountain life. And God showed us that was the plan with my bookstore lifestyle for many years, like for some reason I had to bail on the mountains. We do not know why but I really am a city person too so this is okay with me.

I prayed really well during church. I do not mean that as bragging. I just mean I have ups and downs and sometimes I feel my life's purpose when it goes well. And it is such an honor that God wanted me to draw near, I mean how can I ever complain.  And yet why am I bullied and on the wrong psych medicine. I think I can see a next thing which is to do a php program and ask to go back on one mg risperdal.

I will talk to Belinda Kotin about it on July 31. Sadly that means missing some of my conference that day that I paid 200 dollars for. But it is okay I can attend on my phone.

I am frustrated to not be able to read the books I wrote. That is why I want to switch meds.

Soon I am going to make some chili but the meat has to thaw. I think I am doing beef and chicken but I don't know for sure. I just really would like some chicken in it but I also have ground turkey but it might be too old or expired. Some secret messages telling me what to do would be good.

Maybe I will eat some cheese grits while I wait for a storm to pass. The air quality is also not good today.

Well, that is all, have a good day. I might need to make some new groundhog memes.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is July 26. I am baking a cake right now. It is in the oven. I do not have frosting but I have nutella and strawberry jam.

Earlier I talked to one of my friends who seems slightly mad at me.  But she might not be but she seems like it. But my friends could be making room for new friends.

I was going to call my friend Jay today but I will call him tomorrow. He might have just wanted to text. I had a nice day today. I talked to Mensa people. It was pretty fun. We did mention IQ this time, which we normally don't.

I thought I had chocolate frosting here but I don't. Tomorrow I go to Mensa bible study at 7 pm.

The cake is now out of the oven. 

It is soon going to be 8 oclock and then 11 and time for medicine.

I got copies of my new books today. They are good. I did not make any new memes.

I do not know how to talk to people about my facebook page without it seeming like I am looking for money. But that is my main issue right now that is on my mind a lot. Because it seems wasteful to not keep posting and boosting posts overseas.

Possibly people don't believe the same thing as me about how the gospel "works." But I think at some point there has to be a point of purchase and it isn't always what people think it is.

Well have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is 1:48 on Saturday, July 26. I had a great week this week. I did well at my comedy class, saw my favorite movie, and went to Museum of Modern Art with my friend Charlotte. It was so fun and I felt love and comfort from the nice people who have helped me.

The movie I saw is called Life is Beautiful. I always say my favorite movies are ET, The Hours, and Rats of Nimh.  But Life is Beautiful has to be my favorite.  However I think there could be some levels that the movie Airplane will always be my true favorite.  But I don't know.  

I am happy I got to see Life is Beautiful with other people from an online group I am in. There are critics of the movie who remind people that the holocaust was much worse than it is depicted in the movie, but I think the movie got it right for what it was doing. It is pretty incredible.

Soon I am going to an online Mensa meeting. It is a discussion group and we are going to just chat.  I hope I can get through it. It takes some mental strength to participate. I will tell them I saw that movie.

One guy has cancer and had a rough week last week.  Another guy leads a bible study and I skipped it last time.  This is the only thing I am doing today. But I might phone a friend about four people.

I might also apply for a Capital One credit card but I do not know because they were stingy last time.

Well have a good day everyone,

 Hello everyone. This is Refried. Today is Friday, July 25. I just saw online that Laurie and Grayson Thomas have newborn twin grandchildren and they are so cute! I wonder if it is a reward because of what their family did for me and my sister when we were kids.

It is 98 degrees outside today so I think I am waiting until tomorrow to go to the post office and pick up my new books. I can't wait to see them but I guess I will have to.

I kind of want to add my new comedy routine to the thin book series book. I might do that but I do not know for sure.

Today I have three support groups and possibly a mensa discussion group but I do not know if I will go to all of it.

Right now I am drinking coffee. I only have enough cream for one or two more.

Ok now I am talking to my friend Cynthia.

 Hello everyone. My case manager was nice to me. I wondered if she would be after I typed that description of mistreatment. But it did hurt me today when she said I could not miss inspection.

But I did fine, and my apartment was satisfactory. And I was not in trouble. So that is good enough for me for now. I mean I don't know if they have other plans up their sleeve like taking away housing altogether, which could happen if there is more loss of staff people.

Hopefully it will be okay.  Well that is all for today, see you guys online sometime, I hope our country's problems get better.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. I just finished preparing for inspection. I washed the dishes this morning at 7:30 am, took out the trash, and made the bed. And tonight I wiped off the sink, cleaned some of the bathroom, swept the floor, and took out another bag of trash.

I went to the museum with a friend of mine and then the seth myers show and it was so fun! We had such a great time and I am aware of how God gave me that friend. That is so sweet. 

I thought I was going to miss inspection so I called my case manager and she said I could not miss inspection. It was kind of mean, like no acceptance of the fact that a friend traveled from out of town to visit me.  I am waiting for the case manager to come check the apartment and I am expecting a lash from satan.

Her gruff manner could be because I missed mental health program yesterday after a long day going to the bank and comedy. So I took a break and worked on other stuff. They usually abuse me if I miss something.  But I was told that my mental health program was optional. I am not in a parole program after a sentence for murder. I have a mental emotional disorder and cant work so I am in housing, which, by the way, I also pay for.  Not everyone here does. Some people receive money for being here. I don't deserve to be bullied. We have discussed this before.  I think this organization is my main participation for the second short half of my life, making it the second dirty abusive organization that shows discrimination to me based on identity and will eventually ruin everything and take my life.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. Tomorrow I am going to the Museum of Modern Art with my friend Charlotte. It is going to be so fun. I need to leave here at about 8 am. I hope I can take my medicine soon at about 10 oclock and wake up early. 

Last night I went to comedy class and it was fun. I have a routine finished and just need to memorize it and perform it. Something weird is that I arrived in the area very early yesterday and had to wait a while in various locations. My moods had ups and downs but people were nice to me. I ordered a mango pudding and did not receive it at a cafe but had to leave.

Then later I had an interesting "ice pick" headache, which was in my left temporal lobe. I have that slight pain from time to time and not worried. I wonder what it means. Possibly it was an alternative to a seizure, and was controlled because of medicine.

I felt like possibly someone gave it to me on purpose because there are some neuro people in comedy class.

Today at support group my mood was kind of low with some angst. And I was worried that I bothered my therapist.  But she emailed me and it is okay. I see her tomorrow.

I hope I don't forget. I think I probably won't. I do not know if I can pass inspection. But maybe I can go home in time to clean.  In fact I think my friend has to leave at 2 so that will be just right.

Today I made corn casserole. It turned out fine even though I had to use two cans of regular corn instead of one can corn and one can of creamed corn.  I will eat some more with my medicine very soon.

Well, that is all, have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone. I am typing this on my phone. I am in a meeting right now for the writers retreat. It has been really fun and I got three books done plus a few jokes for comedy class. One of the books was a book of groundhog memes. The book is so cute, especially when it comes after a blob book in a trio. The trio book is called creature comfort. It is cute and I want to give away a million copies. I could do that plus the joke book. But it is interesting because horizon cow plus more floopydoos was a similar combo and I only reached about a hundred people with that. I mean where are the marketers who can see that they would make a buck. I mean maybe I should find a publicist. But possibly I just wait and things will get better. 

I am going to try to think more positively about my mom etc. I think I am in a good mindset right now.

I had IBS yesterday. I don’t know why. Because this event has been comforting and amazing.

This is the second time that I did not sound raving enough after an appointment at nyp and I needed to say good feedback. Because Dr. Das really made me laugh and she had a funny sense of humor. And the other time it was Dr. Villafuertes who made a bad feeling go away like a priest.

So maybe I need to send that in.

Well have a good day everyone.

 

Hello everyone, this is Refried Bean. It is Sunday, July 20 at 10:12 am. I feel good and had a nice morning. I felt better this morning than usual. I attended some writing sessions and did some reading and felt that my poetry book that I read was good.  Now I am making ai art of groundhogs. I don't know if I should also do other animals or just groundhogs.  I might just do a groundhog book.  And then combine it with the blobs and religious memes.  So I need about 30 pictures of groundhogs. I think I should take my time with it and be patient. The conspiracy likes my new book called "The Liberal Gospel." I think it did turn out pretty good and won't disappoint the people who are looking for a theology book.

I think soon I will eat some cereal. The event I am at is so fun. I did not expect it to be so great. But it is. So that is neat. It is helping me branch out because I never really left Vermont. 

Do you gice like my books? I think my book called Train Light is really good.  What do you think about my comedy? I think it is okay but I think my funny poems suffice.

I am getting some spam on my facebook memes and need to remove some followers probably from my instagram account.  It is too bad because it has been really fun, but it could help me reduce spending.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is 8:10 on Saturday, July 19. I am participating in an excellent scottish writing retreat online. I was planning to create some ai illustrations but ended up working on books.  And I published two books today and was happier than I expected about both. Yesterday I did some illustrations and put them on my facebook page. 

I lowered my spending for facebook and don't know how I feel about it. I need to find some funding for the pages. Just now I read my book called Blob Mentality.  It was interesting. I feel that there is almost too much to it, like it can't be read in just one sitting.  But that is how books should be in a way, is to have a whole book's worth of material.  So maybe it is okay. It is really punchy.  I don't know how I feel about the poetry. I think that conservative poetry critics would say some very legitimate things about the poems not making that much sense.

And yet there could be a punk audience for it who appreciates my honesty about the issues of the day and how I was treated. Or maybe it would just resonate with other people who suffer emotionally.

So that is interesting. I also feel like that book wasn't that important. Like it is interesting and worth a read but not really critical.  I don't feel that way about all my books. I feel like some of my books are treasures not to be wasted and offer the truth of salvation for any reader who gets near the jokes and meaning.

Possibly I should eat something for dinner soon. I ate some leftovers late in the day but I wonder if another snack is needed, and what should that be. I mean I could maybe make another cheese ball. I think that is what the Byrd video was trying to tell me yesterday.  I forgot to thank them.  But it is okay, I think we just live our lives and look forward to heaven.

When is Ravneet going to come visit me? Yoo hoo, Ravneet. 

Well this was a great writing day everyone, much like old times. If people want to say that it is because I am used to Latuda, they are wrong.  Latuda is hurting me and it needs to be reduced.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. I just went to a meeting for employment support and I realized what my next step should be. I should try to do another peer training program through HHC.

Because I refuse to put HTH on my resume because the namesake reminds me of abusers.

So that is kind of clear. Thanks everyone who participated.

I like the two new memes I did. I think I should do new memes every week if I am able to, and send them around every two weeks.  I sent another one today and I think that was kind of weak of me.

I am not going to check number totals for a while because I am doing smaller numbers so I will let it accumulate.

I believe I am living in this housing until the end. That is kind of crazy. I just think I live until I am 53.

So the decision now is whether to try to go to CD and jolt myself into employment outside mental health and maybe in a different city, or to try to do a peer training at HHC.

Well let's do a little bit of googling to find out.

 Hello everyone. This is Refried. It is Friday, July 18. I think I will call my friend Ginger soon and say hello. Right now I am trying to figure out something about some memes. The issue is whether porcelain frogs should say "God loves you." Another problem is that the ai programs are making the chests too curvy on the frogs. I mean why is that, I do not know. 

Here is one that is okay but kind of simple and not quite as cute as possible:

I think possibly the ones I posted are fine.  I might need to clean up the page a little bit like delete some weaker posts. I am not sure about that Jesus died for your sins meme.  I just am not sure it is optimal and some of the other ones did turn out great so why use that one.  But the programs were making those weaker on purpose. I mean it is weird, why did Big Media always have to do that? I do not know.

Well, that is all for now. I am attending a very nice online writing event this weekend and it is fun so far. Thanks Charissa Brain and Happy Writer community. It is cool people. I think I should mail out some books soon. Are any books secretly selling? I think they are not.  So what do I do I don't know.

Well have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, I did not hit like on a certain post but I think maybe I should have hit like on it because it was funny and creative. It was about neurodivergency and the pentecost, like suggesting that someone with sensory issues might have been overwhelmed by the noise and the wind. I mean I think that is really funny, and all I had to do was hit like. So maybe I will go back and hit like.

And then did I hurt my girlfriend when I said I was lonely. Well I miss her so that is the issue.

So it is okay, live and learn. The bank did not really address my exact concern that I talked to them about.

I think it is okay I just don't appreciate some things sometimes.

I am successfully slowing down with facebook posts. I could see myself stopping the page for a while if I needed to. But right now I think it is a good thing. I think I deserved an answer from the church I inquiried but it is okay, maybe it makes me feel better to just not hear back.

 Hello everyone, today is Friday, July 18. It is 10:17 am. Yesterday I worked hard on my room for inspection but the case manager was not that impressed. I took my medicine later at night a few times this week so that might have been the issue. So I am going to try to get back to 11 o'clock again. Last night I took it at 10:21 and then talked to my friend Haley who is a doctor.

Soon at noon I go to an online writing event. I think in a few minutes I will call a bank about something.

I wake up feeling a little bit depressed every day. I am not as happy as I used to be. I just thought I would eventually not be as bullied and lonely. And I am not happy with the medicine I am on or the process that happened for me to be on it. And then the societal problems that I thought I would have a role in solving.

Well anyway that is how I feel right now, maybe it will be better later today.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. I am wearing my Bella Buddy Birdie shirt again today. It is 12:40. I did not wake up until 11:50. I got good sleep which is very helpful. I took my medicine at about 2 am.

I think today I will be able to work on the clothes area in my room.  And that will be a good overdue thing that will make inspection go well.

Soon I am going to my mental health program. It is kind of late in the day to go but I will see if I can attend a group after lunch. Lunch was good yesterday. It was beef and broccoli and just as good as a lot of take out places. And they gave us a cookie and juice. But I think the milk is sour too often.  I am going to tell them so they can get a discount from whoever is selling it to them.

I drank some coffee already so now I just go to program. I think I am slowing down with the facebooking and that is mostly good. I mean in a way it isn't, because it is something that should be maxxed out, but in a way it is good, so it is not compulsive.

I need to do some new memes soon.  I sent around most of the ones I already did. But I can take my time. I am doing five day boosts instead of three day boosts. I think that is good and it is slowing me down.

I have not heard back from my fundraising letter but I got a secret message that seemed positive. 

Should I still be mailing out books? I just did not plan to mail them to facebook strangers. Like that was supposed to be my customers. But I do not mind, and strangers become friends very fast on facebook!

So anyway have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, today is Thursday, July 17. It is 12:03 am. I need to pay a small facebook bill so it goes on the right card. I just did laundry. Most of the clothes are dry but I had to hang a few things up in my room. I had a good day today. The secret messages also said I had a good day. 

I feel good because I think some texting went well with my sister. Then I made a choice that I think was the right choice and hopefully some people are helping me with it.

Then I went to support group and it was fine like normal. I feel like I finally helped someone who I was unable to help before.

Also I listened to awesome music that my friend who plays the guitar put on spotify. It is hard to believe and I will listen to it often.

Then I did laundry and honestly that was not easy but it went okay. I have plenty of clean clothes for a while. Let's see, maybe three jeans, three khakis, 6 polos, five t shirts, and underwear. 

So tomorrow I have inspection and hopefully it will go okay.

Today I told Clarence the worker something and hopefully he enjoys thinking about it. I mean possibly I did wrong but I think he could translate out the problems with it and have his own thoughts about the topic.  

Tomorrow I need to call my mom. I think she has had a rough week.

But I am wondering where the deposit is.  Because I asked if she could put it in during the middle of this week and it is not there yet.  So I have to ask again, and I hate it when I have to ask twice for cash. That is like begging in the cartoons.  But I think she just forgot or waited.

I mean I do not know. Anyway I talked to Ravneet a little bit and something was funny.

Well, that is all.  I guess I should take my medicine soon. But I think I should not sleep through the hours that I feel okay. And why do I feel okay? Possibly it is partially because I am far away from the last dose of medicine.  And that is a clue that I am on the wrong meds. But it is not that bad but I think I should go back on one mg risperdal and 600 trileptal. That is what I am going to start requesting.

Have a good day everyone. I think the parkinsons stuff is the same as usual, just some new signs of it.

 I saw some video of the flooding yesterday and I have to say that I don't think it was the weather. I think it was a drainage problem and the issues of the 6 train and 4 and 5 were exaggerated to make the 1 train problem seem more widespread.

Hey everyone I got my instagram dog shirt today for bella buddy birdie, who had surgery this morning. Pretty funny, it is weird it worked out for me to get the shirt exactly during the surgery which I did pray for but only a little bit and then prayed for everyone taking care of animals because frankly it is not easy.

I want a pet gerbil but can't have one yet. Fred, Roger, and Dave might be it for me.

Last night a lasa opsa went to my mouse father's bank. It might be a girlfriend for my sister's old dog named Sophie.

Well have a great day everyone.

 

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is 3:55, July 15. I just got home from picking up a ten dollar pizza from Little Caesar's. It was a good experience. I liked the guy's shirt who was working there. You could tell he was anxious and I will always appreciate him working there. It is their grand opening. Someone is outside playing horrible music.  For some reason, that is a storyline in my life, being assaulted by horrible music.

I think possibly I will be a composer in heaven. A piano composer. It's not a big deal, I just have really been abused by bad music. It could have been worse, but in a way, all the stuff that could have been worse couldn't have been worse or I would not have stayed alive. That is how it works and people do it on purpose. And it accumulates until you look around and it is your whole life.

But people mostly helped me escape from a lot of it.  But then I can't participate.  But I am alive and almost done.  Four more years.

I miss Ravneet. The game is fun.  Frank and Maureen gave their pizza to two other people.

Tomorrow I might make a casserole. I will probably go to program tomorrow as well. I like program and am thankful for it. But why did they torture me in the early spring. I do not know.

What do you guys think about my facebook page. I think that I could reduce spending to 20 dollars per image and do 50 for the good religious ones. So maybe 200 a week.  That is so little. But I think who knows, it could be temporary. Then someday someone donates.

Well, have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, it is now July 15. Yesterday was Bastille Day. I forgot about it and I think a history person in my comedy class made reference to it.

I went to comedy class and right before it started, I got insultingly bad service at a restaurant. It was weird but I still paid a tip and left and then went to comedy class. People did not laugh at my jokes but they were okay jokes and I will probably do a similar routine for the show.

There are three classes left. I think I will do fine.

Tomorrow I am going to hurry and buy some soft drinks from a local deli, and then maybe again at 7-11. Because it could flood here in New York. I do not know how bad it will be.  It might be okay because the rain is likely to let up some each day, with possible sun on some days.  But the rain lasts for ten days, and it already flooded today.  So people need to be careful and some companies will need to let their people have the day off. I am aware of my privilege. That is a useful term sometimes, it is weird that I had trouble accepting that teaching, but I know that people were making it hard for me on purpose and being racist.

Anyway enough of that. I respect my comedy teacher because he told a student he could not make fun of gays and indians.  But it was a tough one because the guy was a beginner and you want people to succeed.

I mean it was pretty funny. Honestly I wonder if he isn't already a comedian and is a secret shopper to showcase my teacher's good morals. I mean it is sweet, it makes me respect the liberals.

Anyway later I might apply for a TD Bank credit card. I just am finding my budget to be really tight. But it might be because of some business expenses that kind of scared me with using up my business credit.

So I do not know. Hopefully my mom will do a deposit soon and I will be back in a good zone.

Well, have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. I sent a fundraising letter to my old church. It wasn't a big deal. They can say no and it is okay but I think they will see why I asked.

Now it is about 1:30. I need to send Ravneet a lunch message. I just saw an interview with Drew Carey saying live within your means. So that means don't apply for more credit cards. I just feel really tempted to see what I could get with my restored credit. But I tried two that would have made sense and got turned down.  And it does not seem right and I am going to tell Wells Fargo I think they did not do right.

But I think I am all set for my current budget.  And I should send fundraising letters instead of applying for credit cards. I mean maybe try to get a job somewhere. But I do feel like I can't work.

It is weird that I failed at advertising but it was the mental illness that really struck me down.  And God had a different plan. I always liked that when people said that.  And it felt too indulgent to believe.

But he did, so that is good. I tried praying today and felt the HS but my prayers weren't that special. I guess just proceed as normal.

Will I send a fundraising letter anywhere else? I do not know.  I got in an argument with one of my churches because they hassled me about a brick I bought that was supposed to say Ravneet and they acted like I left it blank but I didn't.  So then I got mad and had to request to stop my monthly donation.

It is just so fun when you get accepted for a credit card but then you are in debt.  It is not fun to be in debt. I think I did not ask my mom for enough money for this month's deposit but it is okay. It will be fine.

Well have a good day everyone.

 Gice I don't think I can ask Grace Church to support the page because I did not really tithe there much. I tithed to World Vision in that time. But I did tithe some. I did actually do some donations so maybe I would feel okay asking them. My financial situation has been unusual and I did tithe and participate. 

 Gice I attended my mean church for a few minutes. It was good. I don't think they discontinued my donation but I asked them to because they tried to mess up my brick donation. And I am disassociating from people who might try to snake me.

I guess today I should take a walk if it is not too hot. I mean this past week was not too hot and I did not walk but I felt good in the air conditioning.

Gice I am so sad about not being able to afford my hobby. I think it is not right for me not to have a budget for it. I might need to ask for donations somewhere. But I actually did mention on facebook that if people wanted to sponsor a post they could.  I mean at some point I have to say that for some reason I am not eligible for money from anyone.  Like people won't give me money except for my mom who forbids christian service. To me that is weird. Like where is my salary, where are the book sales, where are the people who would support my facebook page that is reaching millions.  Are we really going to just shut it down when as a disabled person that is all I can do?

And the other thing is I am starting to feel some rejection and disapproval. Like some people don't like me. For what I ask. I mean facebook did damage our friendships on purpose.  But what have I shared.  Books, a single fundraiser for nami, and some other shared posts from other funny memes.

I mean there seems to me an unspoken agreement that I have done something wrong but I haven't.

Anyway I am starting to feel hopeful about asking a few Greenville people like maybe Grace Church. So I need to maybe write up a letter. Honestly I would like to ask first pres but because my mom is not supportive I think I shouldn't because that is her church. I mean honestly I have to say that as much as that feels satanic to me, I think it is just social impairment from autism. And she has supported me a lot other than that weird permanent constant shame over my christianity, which originated in the same church I was raised in. 

Anyway I need to remember all those hearts on that one share recently. It was almost all hearts. People like me fine. It is just the end of a pay period and I am out of money. It happens to most people.

 Hello everyone, today is Sunday, July 13. I guess maybe I will attend an online church service.

There was a questionable bank incident yesterday but I will write about it another time.

I just know that something was not right twice.

But in some ways I know that there are benefits to this way of doing things.

So I guess now log on to online church.

 Ok everyone, the strawberry salad wasn't that hard to make. It is setting now for two hours in the fridge. Making room for it made me find the cheese. I knew I had other cheese but it was good that I found a different bag and didn't waste the gouda.

So okay. That is good. Too bad I did not go to the comedy event. So okay. Yesterday was my last doctor's appointment with Jorges Alvarado-Rivera.  He was a nice guy but I had to say goodbye. He thinks the dizzy spells might be extraparamidal.  I think he is right because I told him both times when I was dizzy I didn't care at all.  Well what is that? Apathy.  Parkinsons.  So it is parkinsonian medicine effects.  But I could have parkinsonian from basal gangla damage.  But I believe it probably is from the meds.  Why won't they give me less latuda.  Because of the paranoia.  Well here's an idea, how about people stop treating me like garbage? That will make some paranoia go away. 

I think my therapist feels that I am having a hard time. I wonder if I can do a php somewhere.  I just feel like am I really having that hard of a time, I do not know. I mean I am mostly content and just need to exercise more.

I am so excited about my strawberry pretzel salad. And it is cool that I have hash brown casserole.

I think my friend Lauren is fading out some as part of the conspiracy. That makes me sad because we had so much fun talking all the time.  But a lot of friends helped me and maybe they are making room for Ravneet soon.  But I always think that and then it never happens.

But I think Ravneet is soon going to go to Super Mario movie with me.

Yoo hoo, Ravneet, me and you are yoshi and yoshi's pink girlfriend.

A lot of people are proud of me about the strawberry pretzel salad.

Gice I'm trying to do better with the prayers like really pray for the deeper blessings for whole societies like when you are in history class and learn that hte ottoman empire was defeated by christianity or something like that. And people having years of relational blessings, like what is that stuff, I should ask for it and ask for people to repent and not be worthless trash.

 Hello everyone, today is Saturday, July 12. I wanted to go to a comedy show today but felt that I could not endure the trip downtown for it. So I am missing out.  I just went to 7-11 for sugar so I can make a strawberry pretzel salad. I might make it tonight at around 8 oclock. 

I did not do that well with the potato casserole because I should have cooked it twenty more minutes but it was still yummy and I can microwave it which I have been.

So that is good. When I got back from 7-11 a guy named Doug said hello but when I was friendly back he pretended not to hear me.  That is what Renee used to do as part of her racism, in addition to always trying to give me Covid.  

It has been a weird experience here but lately I have mostly been okay. I mean there is some plan from God and I am a poet because of it. It is part of the poetry package instead of an advertising career.

So anyway my ads are doing well on facebook. I kind of wonder if I should have done two posts at 50 each instead of three posts at 40.  Because I was lowering the budget but it is kind of hard to do that.  And in the future I could send one post around for 80 and have really good numbers.  So maybe I will do that.

Well, that is all for now. I hope you all get to eat cookies sometimes like I am right now.

 Yesterday I saw a religious vision of a concrete building. I do not know what it means. I think it was God again and for some reason he is a building.

 Today I got an email from my church telling me I left the form blank for an enscription when I donated 250 dollars for a brick in the new sanctuary.  I emailed back and said nevermind.

They always try to take back my donations somehow with a power play and I guess they have succeeded again at that. I would not do that with someone's sincere donations but they like power there.

I am not going to undo my 33 per month donation yet but I can see that it was a bad choice to try again.

 Hello everyone, I just now went to my mental health program. It was okay but there was not really a group for me to go to. And lunch was not that yummy but it could have been worse.  But in a way it was worse because the milk was sour. That is one of their power plays is to serve sour milk sometimes and I kind of look forward to seeing God address it on Judgement Day. I don't think the answer will be anything like "be thankful for milk at all."  I think the workers will be wailing with shame.

Anyway I got in a bad mood because I felt like my facebook ad isn't doing well enough but really it is. And people can decide whether to give or not. And facebook will have the reputation it deserves.

Then I thought of the racism at group last night. I think I figured out that it is about power. So that is kind of sad. I think next time I see that in action I will tell people they could have more power by treating people kindly and doing what you are supposed to does pay off. And then that there are better things than power so don't be deceived by the people who are bribing you with it.

The idea was put down some people lift others up and be in charge.  But they lost something valuable in doing that and there will never be another chance to do better because I absolutely will never be back to that group.

Anyway there is more to say about how I notice a pattern when I share a rare fundraiser on facebook. And people are offended because they think I am rich. But I know I am the lowest salary person from our high school.  I did get extra education from my parents.  But if people want to guilt me for giving back to the organizations that helped me survive a societal assault, I feel bad for them.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is July 9 at 9:45 pm.  I just got home safely from another trip downtown. I had a good time at pet therapy and got a good photo for my facebook page. Thanks Brenda and Rosie!

Hopefully we can get some donations for nami since we did not meet goal for the walk.

After pet therapy I went to my favorite restaurants and they were so nice to me and I saw my friend TK who is an awesome waiter. And guess what, he bought me a cream brulee! And I did feel the difference on my ticket just when I needed it.  Because I like for meals to be 40 after tip and not 50.  So it was great and then I gave the leftovers and a lemonade to the nicest guy outside.  That was a blessing and then I got a new shirt and man I did awesome, it is a great shirt that I will wear a lot.  

Some people already know that because of how much I wore that blue shirt that I got during the pandemic. I mean I have worn that a lot haven't I? 

I think the weight loss program might accept me soon and I will have help to lose 15 pounds.  That will get me back to normal which I have said before isn't great but I won't constantly feel like there is a problem.  And it is not my fault that I gained ten pounds, it is from the medicine which I objected to.

Anyway sorry for yapping about that. I just need to be thankful for what I have.  Because this day did get better and yesterday got better later on too.

Thanks Nami for helping me so much! They said they did not mind being affiliated with me.  Isn't that sweet? Like they let me do an ad with their name, as a fundraiser, I mean of course that helps them, but they could have guarded their name more and I am glad they let me boost a post.

 Gice I am thinking about getting a shirt at Old Navy. But I don't know. I think what would happen is I would see other stuff there and put it on a list for myself.  And I have a lot of clothes. I think I have misplaced a shirt somewhere so that is making me feel like I am missing some polo shirts.

It is 3:28. I go to pet therapy at 4.  And I think I will not go to Kaboozles. But I might get a coffee to drink on the subway. Like on the way to Grand Central. 

I just ate a hotdog and it was good. I put polynesian sauce on it.  It is interesting that hotdogs were successful and caught on.  Because some people might have tried to say it was inappropriate. But it was just too yummy so now people eat millions of hot dogs every year.

I mean who is going to say that, I will go ahead and say it.  Because sometimes phenomenons happen and no one can do anything about it.

I am sorry I said God did not love some people because they were mean to me. I have a nice life here and they are plenty nice but they have an abuse system and it is not right.  And it really is awful when they make you feel bad, you really can't tolerate it.  like it is unbearable and it sounds stupid if you complain, it sounds like you are the one with the problem.

But anyway I told the grievances person my lesson on behaviorism.

You can tell I am proud of it and I should put it on my mental health blog.

I have another post for worldly monk about how the bible says jesus has a name that only he knows. I mean think of the names we do know, wonderful counselor, etc. I mean what do we not know, if must be great.  I mean wow. But I have another thought about it.  But I am not saying it.

So anyway I guess the bridge people were nice and now they are resting after being in the hot weather.

I mean it is not easy to show up to work here and be on the clock all day.

Soon I will go downtown. I just need to change shirts.  

Well have a nice day everyone.

I sent Drena an emergency text but then I told her I was okay.

Ok everyone. I went downstairs to tell them I was going to pet therapy anyway and they were nice to me. They gave me two plates and a ginger ale. And the grievances person told me to go to pet therapy after all. And I told them my lesson about behaviorism. Which I believe I am right about. Did I explain that in the following post. I do not know. But the idea is that there are bigger picture habits that also deserve reward and you don't want to counteract that system with excessive targeting of specific incidents that you attach too much symbolism to.

 Hi everyone I just missed the cookout. If they wanted me there I would have been there and if they wanted me to have a plate after all when I got there late then they would have offered. So I guess it is just different times than before with Mikala and Jennifer.

They will put some out later probably but I think I will be downtown. I think I will do downtown at 3. I think God is not happy that they did not offer me a plate even though I was late. 

I don't really get the part of the conspiracy where people are mean to me in God's face.  Like the idea is that they are playing along but I think it is actual disrespect.

So anyway I knew I was missing something. I guess that is kind of depressing after a nice day yesterday but I think a benefit is for me to see the stark difference between a fun comedy class and this sad poverty mistreatment in the Bronx.

There were some secret messages yesterday explaining it but honestly those purposes don't justify it.

My mom just said she has to get hip replacement surgery in December. I will tell her to get a home aide of some sort so we are not dependent on my trip there. Because honestly I don't want to be her caregiver because of her relational abuse. 

So that is weird on what could have been a good day. I hope things get better and I can live with Ravneet but I think things might not get better. And my housing program is going to be happy to just be mean.

 Hello everyone. I woke up late today and did not go to my mental health program. Yesterday I hurt Danielle's feelings because Hannah was mean to me again and I said I was going to quit the program.  And it hurt Danielle that I keep saying that because she has been nice to me. But I am tired of the racism there and the disrespect. And it hit me on a day that I also got refusal to serve from T-mobile and a closed pharmacy from Walgreens. That was a fail from those companies like CVS, to close the pharmacies during lunch hour.  It is another shameful act of disrespect and it has nothing to do with the economy. It is just a show of power and a clue that eventually the good people will overcome the corrupt industries and those stores will be gone. 

Anyway I guess my mood might drop some today after feeling good yesterday. I might go to pet therapy even if Marissa can't go this time. I should leave at about 3 pm and go to Kaboozles and then pet therapy.  Then here is the question, will I take the C and A train to Inwood and the bus across the bronx? I mean maybe, I do not know.  Honestly probably not. I am thinking walk back to Grand Central. It will be fine.

Something is missing right now but I don't know what it is. I think I am forgetting something.

My posts on facebook reached a cool mil. I thought it would be slightly less than that but it wasn't.  I think I know what I will boost next but I am going to be patient. I might try to wait a day but I might not. I might do another five day boost because that helped me slow down this time and I did not feel that tortured by it.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Wednesday July 9 at 1:31. I sent Ravneet a message, my friend Marissa, and I typed a commendation for a nice worker. I tried to go to verizon and they had no option for communication because they are preparing to enslave users and ruin our lives.

There are still a lot of nice people in the world despite corporate abuse and government failure.

But I was not expecting that little zap to my soul just now.  To realize the level of disrespect for customers and just regular people.

I think some of this will be about english classrooms having the discussion about how technological advances doesn't equal true progress.  And maybe someone will write a classic about it. But it could be that there is a time span when there weren't classics in that category because everyone was living the bad reality.  Anyway that reminds me that I am going to write a story where someone has a crush on someone who doesn't like them back so they order a clone of ai version of that person and the punchline is that the clone doesn't like them either.

So I need to write that. It won't be a long story. What is for lunch well I am eating leftover pizza and taco dip.  When am I going to make the strawberry pretzel salad, I do not know.

Have a good day.

 Hi everyone, this is Refried. It is Wendesday, July 9. I am thinking about going to pet therapy later at 6 pm.  I might phone a friend named Marissa and see if she wants to go to kaboozles at penn station at 7 or 5. Ok I sent her a text. I will call my friend Sharon another time and introduce those two friends so maybe we can go to a basketball game sometime. Like Harlem globetrotters but I have to say another fun game was Harvard Yale hockey, it was so fun and a great memory.

Gice I had such a good time at comedy yesterday and stayed up late feeling happy. I think possibly the mental health people are being mean to me in the bronx but I am taking my medicine and doing what I am supposed to.

There were like five security guards when I got home last night. I do not know why. But this morning it came across as a threat to me because I called the cops when T mobile refused service to me.

I went to verizon later and it was nice. I think I need to do a commendation for the It's Sugar cashier. I will do that right now.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Tuesday, July 8.  It is 11:48 pm.  In about two hours I will take my medicine and then try to sleep until about 11:30 tomorrow morning.

I just got home from comedy class a while ago.  It was really fun and I had a lot of material to try out.  Some of it was funny and some wasn't funny enough. I tried to do some IQ jokes but it was only moderately funny and my effort at like a character sketch was interesting but not funny enough.

But I had a great time and actually did think of some new jokes right when I got there.  Like about how a guy sells I love new york t shirts and some just say new york.  Does that mean you dont love new york. I think some people in my neighborhood would like that because cars always try to hit us when we cross the street.  I want to tell everyone I see that the don't walk sign means dont walk and the walk sign also means dont walk.

That is good stuff isn't it? I think I will have plenty of good jokes but a few things I thought were funny weren't funny enough and honestly one of them really surprised me, like I thought saying that beginning comedy is hard and you should expect a few suicides at your first show, I mean I think that is funny but it did not go well when I tried it out.  So maybe I did not do that great but it is okay. I was going to do the serial killer joke and maybe I should have but I did the best I can and I think it is okay.

I had a troll on my facebook video and I thought he was pretty funny but I deleted it.  That was a good video and I feel okay about all that stuff.

Today I got approved for a 2000 discover card. It is just what I needed. I think that will be all I do and hopefully I can go slow and pay back a lot on everything.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. Today is July 8. It is about noon. I soon need to go to mental health program. Really I should try to get there right this second in time for a 12:15 group.  But I am not going to go there until 1 pm. And then maybe go to an afternoon group if they have one. Yesterday there was no air conditioning. So maybe I should skip today. I mean maybe I will.

Later I have comedy class and I am sad because I have to miss part of complex minds with some of my pals. But it is okay I just felt like I really needed to take another comedy class.

I felt unhappy a while ago. I think I need to be mailing books out and then I would still feel like an author but I feel jilted failed because of not sending books to anyone.

And I think I might not have enough cash.  And my mom wanted me to not use money on facebook but she is wrong and she is using the money to control me so it sounds like we don't have enough and that is not it.  It is a stressful life to think there is not enough money and she let me believe that for four years when we were okay. But now we might not be okay because of my sister's business.  But I think we are okay for a hundred dollars which makes the difference in my hobby.

But anyway I made a choice to attend a children's book conference. I will ask my mom to add that amount to the monthly deposit and maybe August will be easier than July.  Because honestly I am out of money now and that is not that easy. I mean I am okay for food but not for hobbies.

But my credit card debt is normal so I am thankful about that.   But what about tonight? I think don't eat dinner anywhere but only allow for coffee.

Ok everyone I will wheel and deal a little bit, maybe pay off a payment or something. 

 Hello everyone, I registered for the online conference. Last year I missed it and was sad. But this year I will attend. I wish I could have added the social media critique but I think I am doing the best I can. And I saw for myself how I am a little bit like warped religion sometimes.  There is nothing I can do about that.  

And other than that I would just want affirmation and I think that people are supportive enough within the pages so I just can't pay for that.

Now I should be taking my medicine.  But Jerry Moran told me I could stay up later if I want. It was a message from the hospital people.

I might call the hospital tomorrow and give them a piece of my mind. Basically I am going to say they could have just told me they didn't want me there. And I won't be able to lose ten pounds.

And I will tell them they really hurt my feelings.

 Hello everyone this is Refried. It is midnight. July 8. Tomorrow I need to pick up my pantropazole, get my phone screen cover replaced at T mobile, go to mental health program, go downtown to comedy class, attend tami's group, and get home safely.

Gice I had a nice time trying to fathom God's plan for my life. I think he likes my prayers but he invented that and I think he wants to give people trillions of blessings. And I think for some reason I am supposed to be conspicuously unglorious in certain ways. Like thoes verses about corruptible and incorruptible, that whole section. So that is the reason for the corpolalia and laziness etc. I mean honestly it could all be the same mechanism in my brain that makes me generally kind of messy. That is a nice way of saying it. And then the clean is there too in some way. And maybe everyone's brain is like that.

Anyway, that is interesting. I mean I think I should have some self esteem sometimes and identity. But some of the code I did not really crack.  But I can revist it with more community. I am actually meaning that in terms of children's book writers like this is quite a time for that actually.

I want to go to that conference but can't afford it.  Now it might be too late. I will go to the site right now.

 

 Gice I thought of a funny joke which is what if you began every prayer with "Dear God, you have to..."

And it was like an order. I mean I guess people say don't say stuff like that but I am just joking.

Gice I am happy with my facebook pages. It is hard to go at the slower pace but what if that means doing more meme creation and less sharing. Well I do not know.  And I do not want to waste memes like only share them half the reach that they could be shared.  But I did a good squirrel one today. It is so cute. For some reason the ai squirrels are cuter than the ai rabbits usually.

It is cute isn't it. I for some reason am thinking of finally boosting my youtube videos.  I just never knew how it worked.  But I am going to be patient and I think there is plenty of future left with shares.  Some people have a million followers and that is not my goal.  But I think my short videos would be appreciated and emulated, and the trend is not going to be over quite yet.  But I need to do a few more, maybe one with a taco dip, one with a marmalade cake, and strawberry pretzel salad. Or what I guess the orange salad which is easier.  Anyway I feel this journal has declined in ways I did not expect, like it gets more and more play by play for the day, and some days it is like thought by thought.  But I would have to prescribe that as a therapeutic strategy for some people, like writing helps, and you can do it thought for thought. Anyway, that is all, sometimes it seems like people are mad at me.  

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. I tried to go to my mental health program but they did not have air conditioning.  So then i went to get some strawberry jello mix from the grocery store. The air conditioning at the grocery store was really good and made me feel better, and the cashier was nice to me.

Honestly I did not feel good this morning and don't know why.  But I think I am okay. Right now I feel okay.  I mean this weekend was rough, three days in a row to be lonely, my friend's funeral and finding out her kids are sad and hurting, and then the flooding and sadness.  

But my facebook posts are doing well but I miss some socializing, such as with my girlfriend Ravneet.

Then at mensa I felt absolutely tortured at bible study because of my weariness after skipping a dose of medicine, which I had to do in order to successfully go to the grocery store.  And it did work and if you think about it, this was my most successful grocery trip in two or three years.

I might eat some ice cream in the next few minutes, and honestly I am thinking of making some more coffee for some reason.  Then later I will try to do a strawberry pretzel salad.  It is not going to be easy. I mean maybe I should finish the cheese ball first.  That could be why I don't feel good is from gallbladder but I do not know.  

Anyway for some reason I feel better about my IQ. Like it is what it is and it is already proven.  And some people are smarter, that is good for them.  But I made my choices and had my suffering and I am still alive, which is how I spent a lot of my IQ is surviving mental illness.

Some people are making fun of me and think I am stupid but I am not.  And I think, why don't I learn five languages but the fact is that I would have if I tried and I learned French without trying, picked up sign language miraculously easy, and did freakishly well on that spanish free rice thing.  Do you guys remember that? I mean I do function at certain levels but when you are treated like trash it affects you.

So anyway are you guys tired of this topic? I just feel like the scores are there and the societies are in question and they are still trying to prove themselves in the real world and I already did.  Wow that is so bad to say but they really hurt me.  But some of them are nice and I am praying them up some awesome stuff, like they will not be humiliated in heaven, they will win a pinball machine and gourmet food.

Anyway I feel better and need to be thankful for my medicine but in a way I am not because you don't just take away someone's love and literacy.

Now I pray that God would give those things to billions of people.

So okay have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Monday, July 7. That is 7/7, a good number.

I am going to my mental health program soon but maybe not for another hour.

I made a cheese ball last night and it totally changed my day because the food was so good, it makes such a difference.

I feel lonely sometimes and don't understand why I can't see Ravneet. I just don't understand.

Yesterday I googled stuff for a while and sometimes enjoy that but sometimes it does not satisfy.

Something interesting is how hard I tried to be a mentally ill genius for years and I already had the numbers for it from my twenties, like test scores and diagnosis. It could have been that simple. But I am glad I lived up to the archetype because I think it took me higher in a Barnes and Noble like that was a high thought zone that I was reaching for perpetually. I mean is that bad to say.  Everyone knows I always say the nice things about myself and don't hide good deeds.

In revelations I noticed yesterday that Jesus has a name that only he knows! I can't believe that. I am the farthest person from that. I am kind of sad to have not done well with that.  But actually he has a name for us too that only he knows, so maybe he will fix that for me.  But what I am saying is that there is a name that only he knows for himself.  I mean that is interesting. I think we should praise it even though we don't know it.  I think some of it comes from being the only righteous savior, like only he knows what he really went through and we will never come close to that death on the cross and the service that preceded it.  

I mean that is interesting.  But everyone knows all my deeds. I just do an ai image of christ and boost a post and think of myself as functional in the church.  And then I sit around and drink coffee.  I mean that is pretty simple I guess and there are no secret surprises of character and thought that will be discovered.

So anyway I guess I will cook some today. I kind of want to make the strawberry pretzel salad.

Gice do people want blessings? I got us good stuff with facebook.  I am going to try to get people rewards.  Aren't people going to be excited when they get a reward in heaven? And some cute animals put them on their TV show and present them with a treasure store and attention? I think people do want that.

Well have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Sunday, July 6. Gice honestly this is my least favorite month. I mean that is kind of sad to say out of the blue, but I like cold weather.

I just went to the grocery store for the second time today and I got ingredients for three dishes.  What is still missing is strawberry pretzel salad but I think I could go get jello tomorrow very easily. Will I make one dish at a time, probably so.  So that is four dishes: potato casserole, corn casserole, refried bean dip, strawberry pretzel salad.  What about dorito casserole? Well I have not done well with that the last two times so maybe wait on that one.

This is the anniversary of my friend Samuel Simmon's death. I am sad about it. I do not know if I ever commemorated it on my page. It is kind of weird if I didn't but I think it is okay. Ok I remember I did dedicate a book to him.  So I guess I do the best I can.

I have a turkey sandwich from subway.  Subway does not provide legitimate cheddar cheese. And their mayonnaise is fake.  

Well the Cowper lecture brought back memories and I felt a bad feeling on a train but I am okay. I think I am experiencing three layers of spiritual warfare from facebook.  But I can handle it. It is kind of weird because I felt that God might be mad at me and now all of a sudden I am entrusted with three spiritual oppositions. However I think the India one from my art page is actually those people helping me. Like I feel the spirit and love from them and I think they are winning a battle.  But the idea is always that the battle belongs to the Lord. You are supposed to say that and if you do you become a king.

So anyway, I just listened to a good eulogy by Stephen Simmons.  Thanks Stephen that was great.

I suggested a potluck supper at my mental health program but I am not sure they can be liable for a potluck. I mean think of the food risk.

Is that bad to say. I mean think of it from me, honestly. Like licking the spoon and putting it back into the dish.  I just honestly can't guarantee I would not do that but I do try to do right.

Anyway, let's think about America for a second.  Everyone knew to spend their stuff on those years and there was a harvest and now destruction. We postponed a lot of stuff, and there was some mutualness to it despite the bickering.  But I am wondering if that was considerate of the young people.  Possibly not.

Well have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, today is Sunday, July 6. I went to the grocery store earlier today. It was a good trip but I still need to go to another store to get some specifics for casseroles. I think that will go well and I might go to the key food on the train.

I am sad to hear of more flood deaths but it means the people are in heaven and not clinging to a tree in the woods at night. I question why people could not understand that and frankly I do sense a case of the southern fumblebums. Bumblefumbles. 

It is good to see how the news is communicated on facebook about a less political issue.  It is a way to see if we will find out stuff there.

I feel okay about sharing my book video.  I think it is good to add some regular content and kind of weird for me to wait indefinitely to post it given the level of tragedy pretty much every day in our country.

Hopefully the Bronx does not get too flooded next week from the tropical storm.  I think we are at risk every season for three months, which is a long time.  But I also think I personally am rather expendable.

So anyway I will still keep people in my prayers. It is very sad and will affect a lot of campers experiences everywhere for many years probably. But honestly I have wondered if half the usual summer stuff is safe anymore considering the heat problems and various dangers.

I got some sleep so that is good. I made the right choice to go to the store.

Gice I had a tough holiday to get through and my friend died and I am sad for her kids. But they have a great community to care for them.

Also I am not going to ever try to do the harvard extension though that is cool for other people who want to do stuff. I did a cool certificate at PTS and that was what I needed, thanks everyone.

And now I do comedy classes. And I will try to restart cooking or something, maybe do some videos and share what I already did. What slowed it down? It was the latuda. I am not happy to have constant mild angst.  It could be worse but it is pretty bad and it couldnt be more reasonable to ask to reduce the dose just to see the difference.

 Hello everyone this is Refried. I just want to say that I think a lot of graphic designers and artists have had a lot of software before that made us impressed and now they have ai too.  And I agree with some sources that say part of the beef is that the ability is now in the hands of anyone.  So the elite is disgruntled.

And I think I might be that anyone. So it is going fine.

Gice what do you think of my mouse image. I might move it to archive soon.  Just since it has been viewed enough.

And then upload my video.

I mean I could go ahead and upload the video soon.

Gice I think that email was fine.  It was an emergency. Some people only know how to complain.  This isn't a "how did they handle it" situation.  It is a catastrophe beyond what most people have ever experienced or witnessed.

Anyway it was a good point someone said online, that the director died. I mean that should count for a lot if people are going to criticize.

Anyway there are a lot of people to pray for. I have ups and downs with prayer. I think God is in control. I think our lives have a power behind them.  You just at some point have to learn how to ask God for millions of something for someone out there.

Anyway gice as far as my problems as a person, like my fundamentalist streak and nerdiness and grossness, and other things. Do you think it is so I can be made fun of by angels? I have wondered if angels are young, and might be entertained by us as they do their work. And if they find things comical and that is part of the motivation for continuing.  But I don't know because the angels in the bible seemed more like guards and warriors, like not immature and laughing at us.

Well anyway, I guess at about 7 am I will try to go to stop and shop. 

 Hello everyone. Do you guys like my new memes? I think some are good and some are more iffy.  But they hit me differently when I see them at different times. I mean some people probably think I am a loser for darkening up the skin on the Jesus art.  But I think it is about time and it worked out fine.

What else, okay the blobs are good, the screen printing, definitely some future potential, and what else, maybe more metalworks sometime.

I just am sad because I reached the end of my budget for it.  Like I could be at zero for this quite suddenly.

But I will do my video ad soon. And actually that is all for a while but did you notice that I have not boosted art memes since June 19.  So that is actually a 15 day cycle.  I mean that is a 300 budget.

Well, have a good day.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is 12:15. I am drinking some coffee. I am not rushing myself to go to the grocery store tomorrow.  If I am still awake at 7 am I might go by train but I do not know.

Some people left me a tract on the ground yesterday that said have a good day and it is really funny because it has to do with the barnes and noble incident.  And the tract itself is funnily thoughtful and has a list of order form items which is funny because it matches my prayer life.

So that is kind of interesting.  I found it near stop and shop area and that is near Calvary Hospital which has a grief group.  I don't think I need that group for my grief about my friend because I am feeling better after Adam posted on facebook.  But I was still sad today to see that their family is sad.

I felt depressed a few hours ago but am okay. I think I have mood lability and need to find a way to cheer up whenever I feel upset.  Because peace is within reach even though my medicine problems are unfair.

Anyway I don't know if I should google latuda but I think my friend who is on latuda has a similar depression and disengagement with life.

So about the camp thing. It is so sad but there are some things to be thankful for.  For one thing, the camp had 750 people and less than 50 are gone.  So I am thankful that some people survived, and actually it is a lot of people. Another thing that could be helpful is to think that probably the missing died quickly in the water and they are in heaven right now.  They are not scared in the woods lost for miles. I mean that is everyone's worst fear, besides them already being gone, but in terms of active suffering, they are probably in heaven feeling love and peace. I mean maybe I am not supposed to say that but for me it changes my hopefulness. 

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Saturday, July 5. I just got home from McDonalds and Starbucks. I ate too much but I was very hungry so I couldn't really help it.  But in the future I will just get the chicken nuggets only and not add a burger.

I also drank a caramel macchiato and might do another coffee later. At about 11 pm.  But that is actually when I should go to sleep because tomorrow I need to go to the grocery store.

Tomorrow I might try shopping normally and adding the OTC card for a discount instead of only buying OTC groceries. I need to check the meat in the freezer too, like possibly I already have ingredients for chili. I think I will take my cart tomorrow and take the train and bus and then the bus home without getting on the train.

Ok that is why they are saying I forgot something is because I did not do an access a ride appointment.  I need to soon and start again because they won't renew it if I don't use it.  I don't appreciate that though, because I had some rides that were so bad that I stopped using it. And that meant not enough good groceries. But I think part of it also is because of the store that took the card after all in my neighborhood.

So anyway I hope things get better. I think I should not just assume decline and give up.

I want to post a video but I think this camp flood crisis is still happening and I might respectfully wait.

It is so sad. Apparently there were some unexpected survivors twelve miles away, so there could be more.

Wow it is one of the worst things I have ever heard of.

I dropped my cellphone today during my friend's funeral online and the screen cover cracked but the screen itself is okay.  So I need to get a new screen. I can probably do that at T mobile soon. It is in my neighborhood.

I went to a Mensa discussion today and it was fun and they were nice to me.  I was happy to see them even though I was so late and they know I put my friend's funeral on during the meeting but then I had to leave.

Anyway I am just watching the usual videos. I am not giving in to thinking I am tired of videos because a lot of people would like that free time and I have not watched much TV in my life.  So this is when I do and it is okay. But even though I don't complain, I know that many people harbor resentment for disabled people when really it is a sad chronic loss.

Anyway amd I being a good enough facebok friend, do I need to add more phone a friends, I kind of think I need to be talking to more people. But some people are reaching out to me more too.

I think it is okay. I had a good prayer session last night. I will probably do more later for that too.

Don't we need some more activity from me for the conspiracy? I just feel kind of lazy.

I really miss Ravneet. Sometimes I can't stand it that we aren't in person. I mean I just don't understand but I think the next step is to do this video and maybe boost it at 100.

Well have a good day everyone.

Hello everyone I am posting some new memes.  Canva is doing better Jesus posts but it won't easily say Jesus died for your sins. It usually changes it to Jesus loves you.  I want it to say the other thing sometimes so I am kind of aggravated but really I am mostly happy because these images are improved.  And I can type the other message on my computer if I need to.  Facebook is supporting it fine so that is good.

Today I talked to a facebook person and I have another call tomorrow. I might need to cancel on that person because I already had a call so I don't know. Tomorrow is my friend's funeral and I am sad. 

Also I am going to try to go to a mensa discussion. I am sad I missed the conference but kind of think might as well stay safe in these times. I mean actually I am wrong, it was a good opportunity but maybe Atlanta 2027 and I can also try to print and publish my card game before then.

Well have a nice day everyone.

 

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. Earlier today I had a great therapy session and it made me feel so much better than I felt before.  And I read Drena my new comedy routine and she liked some jokes better than others but I can't wait to send it to Ben who is my comedy teacher.

What do you guys think about Poncheesy? I think I will read it again soon and decide what kind of edits to use.

Ok about the big ugly bill. I think it is a mess and some people are still trying to use insurance to force people to work when it should be an independent system. I do not know if I will lose insurance.

Soon I will make some casseroles and chili and jello salad. Strawberry Pretel salad is the goal.  Maybe go to Stop and Shop on Sunday morning.  Maybe schedule an access a ride.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. I just talked to a facebook staff person who helped me learn more about how the ads work on facebook. I need to look into it more. He was basically showing me how to duplicate campaigns and choose a budget for each individual country. I might really use it. Like if I want to allocate a certain amount to Botswana and a certain amount to India instead of just listing the countries and later seeing that Botswana did not get many views at all.

But it is okay. I do the best I can and they probably mostly do the best they can.  Something that surprises me is how christian friendly they are and how they are promoting the good news.

I think they like my page fine.

It is a cool page and I get good numbers so I should still budget as much as I can for it. I spent 1000 dollars last month. My posts reached 7 million people. I think that is good but some of it is slow numbers because of my ad for books which reaches much fewer people.

I am so sad about what happened in Texas. There are a lot of suffering children. I wish I wasn't disabled. I wish my books could reach people so I at least would be contributing in some way. But I will pray too.

I can tell God helps me and his will happens.  So I will keep asking for mercy.

For all of us and I need to post about Abby but I don't know what to say. 

I will think of something though and I do feel about ready to say something.

I slowed down my numbers on facebook to last about five days instead of three days.