Ok I think the Bridge is escalating things because of a slight medicine change. Because I am going to be on 40 mg latuda instead of 60. So they are putting me on the brink of going to the hospital.  But I already was providing for that safety by requesting to be in a php program.  So I have to say I don't respect them.  As much as they want to say it is for my benefit, it isn't.  It ruins my life. The php would have sufficed. And I did need it, and people think I don't but I do. And now it is going to get worse.

I am holding some of it in. I am not saying all I think about it. 

I thought about seeing if I could take a 3 month break from Jewish Board but I think I should continue participating during my medicine adjustment.  I expect no difference whatsoever except I will have the energy to go to the grocery store more often and not lose all the OTC allocation. They will be abusing me there too, to see if I can take it.  Well I can't. What has been eroded in these past four years is a shameful tragedy and wasteful assault on innocent life. I am glad I am not a part of it as an employee.  

I think I should plan to help my mom but we need a back up so as not to depend too much on the trip.  The train trips have been reliable in the past but I do not know what to do. Possibly we should get it over with in the fall. Like early november. I am going to call Claire Bateman tomorrow because I think she knows how bad the problem is. Ok that is making me feel better. The most dangerous loss zone was prevented. I survived the bookstore, wrote the poems, and had blessings and friends. And people did something creative and even though most of the blessings were destroyed, the work itself will endure. The gesture and the effort, the sacrifice and the success. People can do crimes and deface property any time.  Buildings are sitting out there waiting to be spray painted. And that is what happened to me. The invisible barriers that keep people from pushing each other down the stairs just weren't there for me. 

Ok that is enough for now. I need to send Ravneet a text because I said a curse word.  I told her some names I wanted to call people. But I think I should keep standards around Ravneet.