Hello everyone, this is Refried. Today is Saturday, May 31. It is 5:40 pm. Unfortunately I just logged into Tik Tok and saw an inappropriate video. So I logged out and will think about whether I can ever participate. I mean maybe I can get some views and sell some books but I question whether I should participate.  People could say the same about facebook and instagram, but I think I am doing okay on there.  

The question right now is whether my blue check is up to date on facebook.

Anyway I also watched some mini lectures from princeton professors on my computer. I still have one or two left. It was great. I can't tell if I am having any visions from it. I am not sure that I am.

But I was amazed by the power I felt when I went to the luncheon event.  It was bright and powerful and I think it was the president's spiritual gifts in action.

Anyway I prayed some today. I think I should have asked my sister for more info when she asked me to pray for her. I hope everything is okay. It kind of worries me because we all need for her life to be okay.

Anyway I also did a few AI drawings.  And one of them in particular is excellent.

I think for some reason I might upload a different metal work image instead of promoting the rainbow cross so it is not too much rainbow when i boost the new blob image. The new blob image is really cool.

I think I might also do some videos on zoom in my room and post them.  And I will read some poems and discuss something interesting.  Probably I will only post that on facebook but I don't know.

I think I could do some interesting videos. I guess that will also be a new hobby.

 Hello everyone. Today is Saturday, May 31. I just went to a Mensa discussion and it was really fun. I will be back hopefully. We talked about China. It was an interesting discussion. This guy talked about some of his career adventures and he had to get a plant manager fired for something and require drug tests for safety.

I had a really good time and this confirms my participation after missing some games.

So that is a nice day so far. I am drinking coffee now. So I took a walk, got some good food, and went to a nice zoom meeting, and made an AI picture.  I think I cracked the code on the towels, which is to do art and a poem. And call them Wow towels. I just think maybe no one wants to bother with the puzzle in the same way that I don't want to bother creating it.

My sister had a prayer request and I hope she will be okay. I hope I will be okay too because I really depend on her a lot.

So what will I do now, I do not know. Maybe I will read some books. Yesterday I read revelationaries. I found the middle section to be slightly too boring to read but that is with my reduced attention span.  So really I think the book is fine.  But this could be an interesting meter to use, because it could correlate with a segment of the population that does not read much.  So I will see what is still readable.

I need to mail some books to people because that makes me feel better.

 Hello everyone. I just took a walk to the food place. I think I can make it a habit and see a difference within ten walks. I walked fast, because that is the secret to weight loss is walking fast. It is true.  Next thing is to cut out a coffee and mostly switch from coke to water.

I think I will just try to get down to 186 which was the weight I felt okay about. I mean it was okay for a writer. But 200 is just not okay. It just isn't.  And now some extra atrophy from my luxury trip to SC.

So anyway I think it will only take days to recover from the trip, then weeks to see a difference, then a few months to be back to normal.  

I still think I should be on 40 latuda. I think I am too lazy and the .5 risperdal does more than we know.  And I personally don't think the latuda can be trusted like the risperdal can.

So anyway I am okay for now I guess, maybe just a little bored. I guess I could work on the novel.

I think the idea with the conspiracy is that I would believe things that must be delusions but really they are true, so it makes future schizophrenics be less of a fool.  So the idea is that secretly I am a famous writer and maybe a professor. I mean I hesitate to say that out of pride, but I think that is the game we are playing. And that is why the books don't sell even at a normal rate.

So I will try to play along a little better I think.  And maybe read and find tid bits to share.

I mean what if I just don't only care about myself all the time.  What if I read a history book.  I mean I don't know. But anyway I think the liberals tore up too much stuff and some of their people don't have any basic christianity and they do shoutouts to idols all the time. I mean you can't even believe it.  But some people are okay.

Anyway, that is the same stuff as usual. 

At 2 pm I go to a Mensa discussion group.  That is just what I needed.  I like mensa. They probably think I am mad at them because I haven't been going to games group but I just was out of town and couldn't.

So anyway, that exercise was easy. Hopefully it will do the trick.

 Hello everyone. It is Friday, May 30. I hope you are all having a nice day. I had a nice easy day. I went to the grocery store, I mailed some books to a facebooker, I went to an online meeting, I took a shower, and I ate a taco from Taco Bell.

I felt like a real writer for a while because of mailing the books. The meeting was good. Then I just scrolled through instagram for a while and I saw too many dangerous stunts.

I think I should read through some books for a while. Ravneet just said hey to me and I think she said hello from salad as well.

I am not currently boosting any posts. I am taking a break. I think it is good to sometimes boost posts and sometimes not boost posts.

I wonder when my books will sell.

I guess I will play some music on my computer and then rest for a while.

 Hello everyone. Party's over with the grocery store grace period. Now I have to go back to stop and shop using hard to use transportation. But i think I can do it. It will not be easy but my food prep was better before. And I can still use extra funds to get the other groceries of choice.

It is not easy but hopefully our country will rev back up together.

I have to say that I had a good cashier and that made a difference in my life. She knew what to do and tried the groceries with the scanner.  So it worked out and some groceries went on my OTC card.

I believe my functioning is now moderate low.  And I am glad I was able to travel. I think I will be able to travel again in November. My summer plans include a job prep program with cab rides, walking more, drinking water, and going to the grocery store. It will be okay. I might lose OTC anyway because my insurance might disappear.

So maybe on my computer I will make a gratitude list.  And a grievances list. 

Well, that is all. I wonder how Ravneet is doing.

have a good day

 Hello everyone, today is Friday. I am listening to a theology podcast. It is pretty interesting. I woke up at 9 am. I just drank a coffee. Last night I ate pancakes and it was yummy. 

Later I will try to go to the grocery store.

Mostly I will get frozen meals I think. Maybe some snacks and cookies. Maybe stuff for a bean dip.

Then I need to prep some books to mail to some people. I will try to do that in the afternoon probably or maybe prep the package and then go to the store then mail the package later.

It is not that easy because I waited because I was out of town.

Well, have a nice day everyone.

 Hello everyone. Today is Thursday, May 29. I am in my apartment. I need to update facebook friends and tell them I am home in Greenville.

I went to my mental health program today and it was mostly fun.

My housing place did not let me turn in my check today but I will turn it in tomorrow.

I stayed inside mostly and rested and listened to music.

I just washed some dishes and put up some clothes. My apartment is almost ready for inspection. I think I will do a little extra this time if I am able to.

Later I am going to a nami meeting online.

I am thankful for each day and am just trying to keep housing and insurance.  The government might make me lose insurance. It will be a mess when that happens. But I have medicare so maybe that will kick in. I think there will be lawsuits that people win easily against the government.

I just made some coffee and I cleaned the coffee maker before I did.  So that is good. There aren't reall bad messy spots in my apartment but I need to clean out the cupboards and start over with food.  I think I should throw out some clothes, too, like random stuff that doesn't fit etc.

But really my apartment isn't that messy.

Tomorrow I need to go to the grocery store and mail some books to a facebook fan.

Wizardmouse gave his testimony at camp starbucks. The mice had a great time. Now is the closing slideshow and they are moving on to work in the cities.

 Hello everyone, it's me again. Something has changed here in the Bronx which is that Yara who was the director of our housing program has been promoted elsewhere. I will miss her.  But Daniella is still here and Karla and Melvin.

I have a year and a half more here. I might ask for two more years. I feel strongly that I am meant to stay here.  It is kind of possible for me to go back to Greenville but kind of not. I think I would only even consider that again if the cops are threatening to send me to jail for no reason.  Which they kind of do but I think I am mostly safe.

It is nice to be back in my room but it was weird last night because it happened so suddenly that I was off the highway and back home that it almost seemed unfamiliar to me. Not in a dementia way, just a different route to get here. It's not that messy but I am going to really try to get it in order today. Like maybe work on the table area more than usual.

I wish my books sold and I was a successful author.  But I have some success and support so I am thankful for that. Wow that highway trip is maybe a prayer jolt that I needed.  But I had actually just finished a week of steady prayer.  But really it was off and on sometimes.

So anyway, I think God wants for this AI pages stuff to be an easy hobby for me. and I think facebook is helping me pace myself as well. Like not pressure myself for another investment like the jokes page. This is a little different and a cheaper enterprise. It is going great, I am at 43.5 million views. A lot of it is the same people and I am really only reaching 15 million people.  That is still a lot. On this book bio that I just finished I accidentally quoted it wrong again and made impressions sound like reach.  And I know better but both times I have done that with something at stake, it was a mis stake.

So anyway, a little play on words there.  

I saw about twelve friends on my trip, plus my sister's family and my mom. And I had good times at the restaurants. It was a great food trip and three people bought me food. Wow, that is nice.  And I bought me and my other disabled friend a huge meal at Cheesecake Factory.  I could feel the extravagance and it was worth it.

Well, that is good. Today maybe I will eat some food at my mental health program. Should I go to the grocery store? I think I can wait one more day for that.  Which means what: maybe go to taco bell on the way home for dinner food. But I need milk and cereal so maybe it is a walgreens thing.

Well, have a nice day everyone.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. Today is Thursday, May 29. I am back home from my trip to Greenville. I am thankful for safe, smooth travels.  The train ride was nice. I for some reason wasn't that tired at any time and dozed off a little bit sometimes. I think I got a lot of sleep on my trip and that is one reason that missing a whole night of sleep did not mess me up.

I took a cab all the way to the bronx, which I don't usually do.  But I asked him the driver to go a direct highway route and it was very dramatic for me. I think I should have tipped him more but I got scared and didn't know where I was for a while and wondered if he added distance.  So he got a smaller tip than I would have done.  And I think I was wrong because he did exactly what I asked but it was more highway distance than I expected.

Next time I will probably take the subway and try to mentally prepare for that extra part of the trip.  It is not easy for me to do that after a 14 hour train ride and 5 hour wait at a train station overnight. But what is one more hour- I should be strong.

Anyway that was a life changing experience in the cab on the highway in the light drizzle and lights. Well not that life changing but it expanded my horizons and reminded me of how brave some people are in their own survival and success. I mean life is hard and dangerous sometimes.

So anyway, today I need to clean my apartment. I think I will go to my mental health program soon. Like in one hour. And I will clean the apartment a little more. I am aware of how messy it is from being in my mom's clean house.

That is all for this post.

Hello everyone. This is Refried. I am at the train station. The train is late but there are other people here at the station. I am thankful and some nice safe people made themselves known right when I got here. We all have to wait two more hours. I have a sandwich and an orange drink. It is 2:15. The train leaves at 4:12. Well, have a great day and see y’all online.

 

 Hello everyone, today is Tuesday, May 27. It is 2:37 pm. I just went to Wells Fargo bank to get a cashier's check for rent.  The person gave me a money order. I thankfully caught the mistake but it is the worst banking experience I have ever had. I will have to report it on a survey.

I do not know why it happened. Earlier I listened to a sermon on Genesis. The preacher added some stuff to the text that was not there.  He called the water chaos and there was no indication that it was chaos.

Also interesting is that the water and land were created before the stars. I believe that and think scientists would discover more if they read the bible.  And what is the vault? Does no one care? 

Anyway, my mom did not realize I was leaving tonight. She thought I had one more day. That happened to me before but I think I told her this time that Tuesday was my last day. It is going to be hard to be patient while she tries to prep for my trip when I do not need her help.  She starts doing things like offering me bags and to go containers to take with me. She can't help it.  But it is related to the severe abuse for the past ten years. Some of it was a reaction to me being tortured and she tried to control things to be different.  But she doubled the torture and ruined my life.  However I did see it ahead of time years ago and knew I would be a torture victim.  I think some of it is a sacrifice for the children's literature.

I had a good time at Denny's with my friend Ginger. I do not know why we went to Denny's instead of IHOP but maybe it is so people could be in the conspiracy.

I think I am going to be able to be self controlled about facebook.  I think this was the main burst of shares and now I will keep a small budget.  And facebook seems to agree that I need to do smaller boosts.  I mean I might do some thirty dollar boosts next instead of 50.  For those posts on my page, the mice, and then a bigger boost for the cross meme.

I don't understand why the bank just did that to me.  I will be changing banks when it is convenient for me in life.  I will never bank there again.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried Bean. It is 5:38 and I am at Panera. Soon I am going to eat dinner with my friend Wade. Wade is really nice to take time to get together so I hope it is fun. Tomorrow morning I am going to Denny’s with Ginger. I think that is a way of standing up to the legal sharks. I haven’t really been thinking about the legal sharks for a while.

Today I prayed for people but I could have done better. 

Sometimes something reminds me of something so I start working on something else.

Anyway it is kind of humid outside. I reflected on Memorial Day but I think I needed to watch a movie. I think I will go on YouTube and watch part of born on the Fourth of July. 

 Hello everyone. Are you guys tired of my yapping? Well it was a weird experience yesterday. I am at the mall and mostly content. I need to pay attention to whether I am ok on this medicine and can just sit somewhere in peace.

Facebook was slow to boost the recent blob. And the numbers are lower on the blobs but I am okay with that. I just find it questionable but I think part of it is because of lower engagement like the religious stuff for some reason has more reactions. Maybe that is good and helps people get a reward.

I just am not sure this recent batch was my best experience but I am thankful for all those people and it actually has been some of my more frequent prayers.

I think next is the new mice and the rainbow cross.

I mean I think someday it will be party’s over. So I am doing the best I can while I can.

But I am reminded today that I could do a giant book of a hundred images of if I don’t have an outlet.

I just don’t understand why I don’t have any book sales.

Zero. And people want free books but some people have to be customers at some point. I mean it couldn’t be cheaper for some of it.

Anyway did my blogging get on peoples nerves. Well I am trying to get through a trip. Things got better with my mom but you can still see the control sometimes. Like so angry that I smelled the milk to see if it was still good.

It’s just a tragedy that I don’t understand but I think ultimately it means that it was more of a problem in my youth than anyone realized and my parents did in fact ruin everything I did. Anyway things worked out so I won’t dwell on it but in a way my mom is succeeding in dragging me into the grave.

Hello everyone, today is memorial day. I am going to reflect on what people have done for the country. I mean not in this post but as the day goes on.  I have therapy at 1:00 pm and I am grateful for that.

I thought about going to the mall today but I do not know if I will.

Another thing is whether I should take a book to the apartment person and tell them I am waiting.

Gice I already said this but my numbers are restored on facebook and that post is doing great. It will probably hit 500k which means the original amount would have reached about a million.  But for some reason that did not work out.  So I am not going to overspend. I just felt like I should make the most of that meme.  Get it, felt?  But anyway I think the machine meme is also doing well and could hit 300k. So we are looking at hitting the 43 million mark. That is good and the numbers do matter to me though I think I am going person by person enough too.  That is why I tried to include people in the book list.

Some people think it is meaningless to add the people who don't know about the book at all, but I think it is good because all those people made a difference in my life, and this list is a downpayment for their reward in heaven. 

I have a company in heaven already working and they make wooden boxes and gift baskets and deliver to a lot of places.

Gice I feel like I might have gone to panera too much but probably it is okay. If I have doubts about it then I can go to the Lowes grocery store. But I am wondering if this isn't a mall day.

Anyway maybe I will just make coffee here soon.

Gice my mom isn't bothering me on purpose as much and it makes me think about how bad it was and why? I mean why did that happen? It hurt me so much. I am disabled. Was that the point? To earn writing time? I don't agree with it. 

Gice is princeton mad at me? I am not mad at them but I felt that I could not see the difference between their stance against christian nationalism and the racist bullying I get in the Bronx. I think it will blend in my mind and I just decided to avoid the problem.  But then when I went to that event I was amazed. So hopefully it will be okay. I got to see Dayle and that was fun and I hope I did not hurt her with my answers that time, I was trying to really participate well.

I jsut do defend the chrisianity in the south because I know people are doing what they are supposed to and do not deserve to be bullied. And if the problem is that they have a vote too then people are wrong and hypocrits because everyone does get a vote and that is fundamental. I mean they must be joking to sqwawk about rights and then not tolerate a vote that is different than theirs?  And some of it ends up being an embarrassment to minority groups because that is what they compromised for.

Anyway I hope for another okay year in the Bronx. This summer I will do the job program. I do not know how I feel about it. People would say be thankful for what you have but I really was trying to wash dishes somewhere and this does not really make that happen. I think I understand that I already have substantial gainful activity. I think that is the issue that I always forget.  I think book sales would change my outlook on that. And other people's outlook as well which does hurt me.

But anyway the issue is cab rides.  And then I got that form and freaked out so that is weird. I do not understand but I guess they were supporting me on my trip. I think this trip has gone well. I hope I travel okay. I do not think I can upgrade to a roommette but I will think about it.

 Hello everyone. I am okay now.  I guess facebook was part of the conspiracy. I don't think I did great with names but I did try to do okay and took some extra effort.  

I guess it is somethign to think about for a few days. I like the book. It is cool and it is not the threefer which will actually be the main book eventually.

Now I need to take my medicine. It is not easy but I can do it. Then I will eat a piece of chocolate pie.

I felt good during the wisdom sermon like I generally do the best I can.  But then later I thought about the original bellevue incident and I wonder how that will hold up on Judgement Day. I think God helped me and it is okay and obviously I have always been happy to be a bellevue patient.

So anyway do you guys think I should have used the mice for the cover? And then people could pair the book with Book of Prayer? Well I think it is okay. Just have al ot of blobs every where when you go to the amazon page. Like what is the theme. Blobs.

Anyway I got through the weekend. I am going to try to increase a gratitude practice because I think I am too negative.

Gice thanks for helping me. Remember that in the end everything will pass away except God's word and this book I did today.

 Ok everyone, facebook has fixed the numbers back. It's not going to be an extravaganza with that particular meme, but I feel much better and relieved that it will be mostly normal.  That is okay with me.

I also compiled the memes into a book.  But it doesn't matter. The question is whether I should add another page of names. I mean maybe why not but maybe keep it simple.

I am uploading the simple format right now.  It is basically my exact facebook page. 

Well thanks everyone, I listened to most of a sermon from First PRes Columbia and it was great except for the people in unsual scenarios.  And a sermon on wisdom needs to accomodate the crazy situations of our day.  I mean our brains are going crazy, peoples genders are mixed up, and what are we supposed to do? People need guidance.  But this was a good wisdom sermon and I did love it.  But I see how the south insists on telling people to pretend life is normal and it isn't.  That was a different time and no amount of wishing is going to solve our problems.  And joy is still possible if people are allowed to be themselves.

Anyway, that is all.  There was another video complaining about inerrancy and you did not do good.

 How mean, and what a day ruiner. To make me think I could reach 2 million people and then cut it to two hundred. I will just wait as long as I can and then do some normal boosts for 50.

So it takes the mission and meaning out of it.  And it is a gamble with no skill.

I need to write them about that.

I will do that when I can.

 Hello everyone. It is possible that they were doing secret numbers but I could not tolerate it.  I don't have a budget to waste on imaginary reach if I am wrong. I felt the spiritual asthma feeling so it is possible that the thousand equaled ten thousand but that is too weird. I mean why can't people tell me the truth?

And why cut the numbers ten times? It was a tenth of the normal numbers. I mean was I supposed to calculate? I just felt like adding in USA and didn't because I liekd the country line up.  But I just shared to those exact countries.  I mean why mess me up? Facebook is so abusive sometimes.

I just don't understand why everything in my life has to be ruined on purpose. Why nothing can go well in a straightforward manner.

I mean was that what it was about was that it was secretly sharing and I was supposed to trust them based on my asthma?

We will see if this next ad goes through and if it doesn't, I will cancel both and give up for now and be thankful for my short hobby that is inexplicably over.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried.  I just boosted the felt art jesus meme.  I put as much behind it as I could. I think that is the right thing to do but I am not sure I listed enough countries. I forgot to put USA, which I had originally planned on doing, but that is okay. I do not feel terrible feelings of fumble and I actually went back to edit it and saw that it could have cut my numbers in half to choose the countries i thought I should have added.  And the numbers matter for this one.  I mean the numbers don't always matter but sometimes the posts need to reach as many people as possible.  And I just finished a successful squirrel post. This post could be different. I guess we will see and I can always pause it if I feel that the money did not go far enough.

Is anyone mad at me about the money? I think it is okay. I think what we need to think about is this usa only purple blob post. i mean i got ten website visits.

I think this is good timing because some people got the squirrel post four days ago.  And it has been plenty of time for people to see another post from the same person and the post is so different.

What was the other post I did? The frog post.  Which didn't reach as many people. I do not know why.

Anyway live and learn it isn't a big deal.

I think I will watch videos for a while.

This is my vacation and it is really nice. I miss Ravneet and it would be so different if she were with me.

I mean she still communicates with me but sometimes I need a hug and where is she? She is in New York.

So anyway what should I do now? I think normally someone would take a walk if they were me. But I do not want to take a walk and be the weirdo in the neighborhood.

So maybe a little nap. then watch some videos of church.

I think I will watch the middle church service if I am able to.

Hello everyone, this is Refried. I am having a good time using ai.  It is really fun and I think so far it is not an addiction.  This metallic series is really fun and will fit in nicely to the facebook page series. I posted one without the God loves you message on it.  But this is a good one right here. I just think it could get repetitive but so far is okay.

I need to be able to tolerate waiting to send it around. But I am glad I did that other one. It is okay.

It is a good way to use my time and what is obviously lacking is exercise. I hope I did not eat too much salt just now when I overate the casserole. I think I had the right amount of coffee earlier.

I guess I will eventually make another book of these posts. I think I will wait and do a 300 pager.  Which means 150 images.

I just wish I was selling books. I mean that is weird that I am not. I don't think it helps anyone for me to be ignored in a weird way.  But this facebook hobby is very fun. 

Maybe later I will watch some videos or read the bible.  I think reading straight out of the bible is what works best for me.

This is a nice vacation. It is definitely a food extravaganza.  Will I go anywhere later or wait until tomorrow. I do not know.  I mean maybe lowes later.

Am I neglecting any friends. Maybe do I need to send any messages. I feel so much better than last time. It really helped me to see people and for mom to be nicer.

She has really improved and isnt knocking at the door. What a difference that would have made before.

Gice the autism people are really on my mind so I will see if I can get more invovled for my last five years.  Does that mean moving on from Nami, well I don't know.

I wish I could read but maybe it works out to focus on the art.

 

 Hello everyone. I went and got coffee. It was really fun. And I phoned a friend that does make me feel better.  And I talked to Ravneet through some texting. She said she was feeling depressed. 

I also unexpectedly boosted a new post which was cool. I put it on one of my backup pages and it is doing well enough.  It is doing half as well as it would on my main page, and I know that.  But I am okay with what I did. I think I should keep that page active, at least for a while.  Because I gained followers and they need some content and credit.  So their support is helping with this meme and I believe they will get a reward in heaven for it.  I really believe that. And they get to see a cool ai meme in between all the crazy videos out there on instagram.  That is the other thing is that this page shares automatically to instagram.

So it is something for my instagram followers too. I think some people do not like it but it will be okay.

I wonder if it will show up on my instagram profile or just the feed.

Anyway, my mom made a casserole.  This has been quite a food week.  Maybe it will up my cooking game when I get back.  I think I will be okay when I get back and thankful for what I have.  Because I like my apartment.  I need to call Ginger and see if she wants to go to ihop tomorrow or tuesday.

Ok I just texted Ginger. Some friends that I did not see are Maribea, Robyn, Mickie, and Bobbi. Also I did not meet up with Sheperd but it is okay.

Possibly next time I might phone up some eastside people.

Gice is Kim Jolly mad at me? I think so but I don't know. But maybe Keri can help us work it out.

Well have a good day everyone.

 Well everyone, I am waiting until my mom gets home to go get coffee. My blob ad is doing "below average" but it is okay. I am happy with my facebook numbers and experience. It is hard to wait to do the next posts but really I don't know what combination to do. I am thinking maybe the groundhog and balloon, the felt art, and I do not know about the mouse. I mean maybe. I might slap down a hundred dollars for the felt art. And add America. USA, India, Nigeria, and maybe that is all. But I do not know.

I kind of want to add Libya and Egypt but sometimes they cut my numbers for those countries.

I think I will phone a friend later. Oh great, my mom just got home and now I can go get coffee.

 The thing was that it essentially was me at the butterscotch table and I did do well but generally I do veer more towards a younger population in terms of what I am good at like it is not old people.

But anyway this is kind of a late start this morning but I caught up on sleep. 

Now I need to go put some dishes in the sink. And what else. Really there isn't anything else on the list. I thought about sending a few messages today if any friends wanted to stop by panera but I don't know if I am up for it. I guess it is a maybe for the afternoon. 

I think some people are saying what about barnes and noble on woodruff road. Well I think it will be too crowded. What about whole foods. No I will just not go over there. I believe it will be panera on pelham.

I mean actually for just coffee I could go to lowes.

In fact I might do that. I will change clothes and go to lowes and then panera. So I will maybe do both.

well have a nice day everyone.

 Hello everyone, today is Sunday, May 25. It is 10:41 am.  I think I might go to the mall but it could be crowded. So I might just go to panera. But I could go to the mall and then go to the mall panera if it is too crowded. 

My ad is doing okay. I got ten link clicks to my website and fifty reactions. That is good enough for me.  And 600 views.  So that is good and possibly a good reminder to be thankful for the international numbers.  Which I was, obviously, and not wasting the opportunity. In fact, this helps me see it like that. like instead of thinking about overspending, thinking about not wasting the opportunity.

But I am pacing myself and maybe waiting for memorial day to be over. 

Last night I went to sleep thinking about attending an autism event. I believe that I will in fact show up. And it will be a good experience and kind of interesting. I could feel emotional but probably by the time I get there I won't really feel that different than normal.

I also had a dream this morning that I was at the mall and there were some young life people and I did not do well but I did do well earlier when I saw a commercial for butterscotch cookies where a person was visiting an old person and made cookies and put a butterscotch disk to melt in each cookie. 

So then I went to some mall places and told them about the commercial and then I was at a table and did not do well as a young life leader. I mean it was interesting. I was confronted about how I was not good enough and not a real leader like not cut out for it and people get identified like movie stars yet in the background this cookie scene was very successful relational work.

But the weird thing is I agreed I was not meant for it.

So that is interesting. Where am I going to go for coffee this morning.

 Do you gice think I posted too many new posts on my poetry page? Do I ahve too many jesus memes on there. I just kept trying to get a good one. Possibly I can delete the weaker posts.

Maybe one or two of those "god loves you" posts should have gone on the other page that is for back up.

But I am sure I will use it sometimes.

Gice are you thinking one hundred or one fifty for the good felt art.  Are you thinking one post, two, or three. I am thinking play it by ear like usual.  That is how it goes on facebook and I have ups and downs sometimes. 

I guess I need to take my medicine soon.  

I guess take it right now and then eat a piece of cheesecake.

 hello everyone, this is refried. I just participated in a social media page for autism. It is a private page for a group in new york called NYC autism or something like that like adults with autism.

I hope I can be a good participant. I think it will be nice to be there because people will see my autism.

It is neat when you meet other people with aspergers. I can see why people say not to use that label but I can see why some people do use it.  I can see it both ways.

People will see my autism. That will be good. 

But it is kind of sad because they will be able to see that I got traumatized.

That helped me some just now and I hope I can keep participating.

 Ok I am going to save the other half of this meeting for another time.

Attitude and Gratitude are both things I need to work on.

That is what the video is about.

Anyway I will try to attend more city voices things. One of our friends from another group died and I think I could have done better for that person. But he needed hospital care and I am not sure he chose to get the help he needed.

It was weird though because he was a recovery hero and gave up.

So anyway that is all some food for thought because there are a lot of people out there who need support and am I going to be out in the wild or in the meetings.

I hope this summer goes well with the job program. I will take a cab to the other side of town two days a week. It will be good for me to get out and about but sometimes traffic and rude racist cab drivers really upset me to the point where it could undo the benefit of the program.

That is a real thing. I mean if you do the work to survive and people insist on breaking you down, then at some point you have to call it what it is.  And yet maybe not, maybe you can do some kind of very triumphant forgiveness, and maybe that is on the table for me on an overwhelming societal level.

I just feel like I also need to say that it is wrong. For people to say, this is when you show off your forgivness, after they have ruined resources that could have helped millions of people for generations.

But anyway I kind of am able to move on. I think that guy named Chris wanted to be my friend. Well maybe it is not too late Chris.

 Hello everyone. It is 9:30. My mom is waiting for the plumber because of a sink problem. Hopefully it will be okay. My mood plunged some after I boosted a post on facebook only to united states.  So I went from reaching a million people to 20, but it will really be about 4000.  I think it is okay. 

Anyway something else zapped me which is that sometimes when people talk about a lot of people not earning a living wage, I think that I could have helped by becoming famous and saying apartments need to be owned like condominiums and health insurance needs to be individual.  

But anyway that is okay, I am now drinking coffee and feeling better.

A few minutes ago I saw this video from the economist that cheered me up very unexpectedly. It was just such nice people. I mean wow I learned a lot and will try to be a cheerful person myself.

Anyway now I am listening to a video from a group that I missed this morning.  And it is really nice. The liberals got into some fru fru spirituality but it is not a bad contrast to church life in the south. I mean why not have a different cultural option with a lot of variety and a very interesting judgement day. I mean wow there are going to be some interesting cases.

So anyway that is kind of funny because my case is really complicated. Wow I just imagined people meeting God and Jesus and being scared and I am motivated to pray for so many people. And a lot of people feel fear and anxiety in this life, too. So I will do the best I can.

A weird grief feeling for a while but I think I am mostly okay now.

This featured speaker is excellent and I am sad I missed it but was getting coffee with a friend.

Ok that is all for this post. This speaker is helping me a lot and he is saying something very true.

 Hello everyone. This is Refried. It is Saturday, May 24. I just went with my mom to the fresh market. It was a good trip and I got a chocolate pie.

This is kind of like a Mardi Gras before this summer when I try to lose some weight. 

I also got some jelly beans. That is one of my favorite things in life.

That is one good thing I should say about my mom is that she kept treats scarce enough when I was a kid for it to still make me happy as an adult to buy larger quantities of it.

I kind of wanted to go to Panera this afternoon but I think I won't until tomorrow.

I think I need to look at the autism calendar and emails and see if I should try to bring some free poetry book to the autism event on June 14.

Tomorrow is memorial day. I will really reflect on the people who sacrificed for me.

Well, that is all for now. Do you guys like my facebook posts? I am having a good time and have to control myself and go at the right pace. Possibly I will be distracted sometimes and not obsess over it.

Ok that is all for now, have a good day.

 Hello everyone. It is 1:20 on Saturday, May 24. I feel really good right now. I had coffee with a friend earlier and it was yummy and then we went and got some gummy candy from the Sprouts store and the people were nice. And I just rested and felt okay.  And then my mom offered to take me to fresh market but I just feel that it is too crowded out there on a Saturday. So I am waiting until Monday but monday is memorial day.  So maybe we should go today. But I do not know.  I mean maybe it won't be crowded because people will be at the lake or beach.

I saw an anxious person at Starbucks and I hope the conspiracy can round up some friends for everyone who suffers. We need everyone to help and be there for each other. The south needs to organize more like the north does. 

Is the mental health network enough in Greenville. I think there needs to be more participation in mental health community. I don't think I could help that much if I moved back.

I am trying to get more involved with autism in New York but it could take a while.

I am excited about my new jesus felt art post. It might be the only one I boost by itself soon, maybe on Tuesday.  I am going to try to be patient. I think I will boost it for United States also.

I forgot that I needed to go to the bank and get a rent check. I will do that Tuesday.

This summer I am going to two writing events so I will try to gather some good materials.

Do you guys think I should go to fresh market with my mom today? I mean maybe I should. What would I get there? I can't really think of anything except jelly beans.

Do you guys remember when we went there and the budget was too tight? It feels better now but I am not going to overdo it.

I think it is good an healthy for me to have a week of yummier food. I mean two meals from friends and one big meal last week.  That is a cool vacation and I needed it.

Do you guys think I will exercise this summer? I think I will.

Do you guys think I will end up moving back to Greenville? Maybe if Ravneet comes with me.

Yoohoo, Ravneet, how are you doing.

 Hello everyone, today is Saturday May 24.

I am about to go downtown and get coffee with a friend. I hope I get a good parking place. I think it will be okay with my dad's church sticker.

My mom said I could park in the church parking lot. I personally think that is a stretch but hopefully it is okay.

I am just finishing a round of facebook boosts and it went well. I received 1.2 million views again.  One post seemed like it got fewer views than what made sense. I think maybe facebook spent those views on boosting the other post which was more powerful and had a stronger message.  But I question the small numbers on a frog stained glass picture.  However you just don't always know what people will like, and it could have been from what countries I chose to send it to.

I think I know what is next. I think it will be the new good jesus post and maybe the groundhog with the balloon.  Should it be three posts. I don't know. I think maybe just two.

I might try to wait until I travel on the train again to boost it.  It is nice to have the posts running in thr back ground when I am doing other things or bored. So okay. Sunday is the 25, Monday is the 26, and Tuesday is the 27. I did not go to Columbia. And I did not email Jeannie.  I just think I can't go yet but will visit Jeannie another time.  It's not really an emergency. Like I haven't seen that friend in twenty years so I could wait a few months and it could be okay. I mean maybe that is bad to say but I think with Liz and Brian it is different. So the issue is Jeannie.

Anyway maybe I will stay downtown for a few hours and get a peanut butter shake later and a coffee sooner.

Well thanks everyone, Ravneet are you reading this, have a good weekend.

Hello everyone. Today is Friday, May 23. I am posting this photo that I copied from facebook. It is from my favorite page called Squirrels of Oshawa. I attended three nami support groups today. It was pretty fun. I am having a good trip and am okay. I think one thing to think when I feel like I am too okay is that I really have to be okay and a crisis is expensive for everyone. So I need to keep trying to do things that make me happy.  I should think about the finances of that too. 

It will be hard to go back to life in my neighborhood and not have the luxury food but it will be okay. I can cook some bacon and pancakes, some chicken casserole, some beefaroni, and a few other dishes.  

The next ai images I will create will probably be animal photos. I am going to try to pause a little before boosting more posts.  And I will maybe do a different country combo.  I do not know how many repeat people I reach but I am happy to repeat pray for them.

I did pray well this time and feel slightly tired but will probably pray for Israel for a while because I just saw a sad Gaza photo.  When I say Israel I also mean palestine because it is within israel.  So israel is killing its own people, and if it isnt, then a separate state might be the more honest status.  However I do see how Iran just sent in millions of people over the years to create this exact scenario. 

Anyway I do not understand and I think this past thirty years where everyone has to be an expert on fifty issues in order to vote well is a sign that the government wasn't doing right.  Because you are supposed to be able to vote for people and not predict their votes ahead of time and each person be a policy expert.

And yet with immigration I see three huge groups, all of which dragged their feet on legitimate citizenship.  The republicans, the democrats, and the mexicans.  They did not want to pay taxes so they did not try whoelheartedly for legal status.  And the democrats wanted the republicans to be nazis, so they were fine to wait.  And he republicans really were racist and too lazy to be a dual language country.

Meanwhile people were just okay with buying time. And now time is up.

Well that is all my thoughts, I was left out of political membership. 

 

 Hello everyone. It is friday, May 23. I had a good day today. An unexpected surprise is that I might get to go to the vermont writers conference this summer.  In addition to the novel retreat. That is crazy and I think it will be fun.  But it is not a guarantee that there will still be a spot.

I do not know what writing I will send in. Possibly I could do a few of the old good blog posts and then the wrenchings and just see if people can tell the difference.

Overnight, my current memes will finish up.  It was a good round of positive reactions. The three posts together will gain a million views and that is very meaningful to me.  Interestingly, I am able to share good news about prayer, which is something I thought I would be able to share through my writing much sooner.  But this is how it worked out and maybe this is also a good impact in a different way.

I also wonder if God is answering the prayers for people to have imaginary animals.  Because the meme that people liked the most had a cute squirrel indicating that God had given him a blueberry muffin.

And that is the truth. The bible says God feeds animals every day, every living creature.

That is cool to think about, like going outside to feed the ducks, but God is feeding trillions of animals each day. That is so sweet and possibly fun for God sometimes.

Soon I think I will attend my third nami group of the day. It is a full day of nami groups and I am happy to participate. Miguel was helpful for my issue in the friday group.  Thanks Miguel.  I used to be paranoid about Miguel and he was patient with me and now it is much better.  So that is a nice story with a hero other than myself.

Well, have a nice day everyone. I have not talked to Ravneet today. She might be tired from helping me get through my trip. So I will send her a message.

 Hello everyone, how are you doing. I am doing fine. It is 5:11 on Thursday. I think I will go to a nami meeting later online. For schizoaffective disorder. I got a good secret message from Ravneet this afternoon.  There have been some really awesome secret messages over the years and I am sorry if I sometimes forget the fun of that. However some things seemed wasteful in my life.

But anyway I just made some coffee and am drinking it at home. I like going to panera but maybe I will go there tomorrow. For now I am okay.  Life is weird but felt normal for a few days.

I wonder what Ravneet is doing today.  I hope she got some book sales from my video.  But I am not sure any book sales are happening.  

My facebook numbers hit 41 million this week so that is nice.  I am thankful and for me that is a happy expression of writing and creativity.  It is different than I planned with the books, but much more fun in some ways, and international in a way I did not expect or even think was possible.

Yesterday there was a troll but I blocked him.  He kind of had a certain style that I recognized and I feel sorry for him a little bit. It is the same racism that targets me other times sometimes. There is some arrogance behind it, like something made him feel superior.

So I will try not to be like that myself.

I wonder if anyone likes my books out there. I am going to mail one to Linda Epstein who was the chosen winner agent in 2012. I can't remember what happened but I thought she might like to have a free book.

And I will send Jimmy one but I forgot to get that Chris guy's address.  That was not cool. I should have written it down and mailed him a book.  But it is okay. It just means to send several to Jimmy.

So anyway when will I do that. Maybe tomorrow. Oh this reminds me that I need to check outside and see if the copies of the sampler books arrived. 

That will be what I do for a while is flip through those and consider all three together.

I mean I am done and what I wrote is what I wrote.  And now maybe I should think about how it fits in or doesn't as compared to other literature.  I think it could have a place but I wonder who sees it.

 Hello everyone, today is Thursday, May 22. A while ago I ate lunch at the mall with a great friend named Amanda. It was really fun and we are both book people. We had interesting things to talk about and she went through a lot in these years so I felt like we had a lot in common.  But it was different suffering and I could not have gotten through what she went through.

 I think I will go to Starbucks on East North Street soon.  I should send my friend Joel a text and see if he is around sometime soon.  The other people I did not say hello to yet include Mickie, Robyn, Bobbi, and Judy.

So I feel good like yesterday was a challenge but I have now had a good trip and seen a lot of people. And if I moved back to Greenville I could start over pretty well I think.

Well that is all for now. Maybe I will call Danielle from my mental health program and say hello.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Wednesday, May 21. I had a great day today. I went to four food meetings with friends: two lunches and two coffees.  I saw six friends total and will see another friend tomorrow at 11:15.  I paused my video ad. I might be finished with that for a while unless Ravneet tells me to start again and boost old videos.

I just ate dinner and I hope everything goes well with my stomach and gallbladder. I think I am okay. I shouldn't be that much more full than usual.

I also attended nami today but did not listen well.

I am running some more posts on facebook and the numbers are okay but not really unbelievable. They are about the same as last time, though, which is good.

I did a frog post that is not getting as many likes as I expected, but it is still good. I think part of it is because I spent less on it, so it seems much slower when maybe it is doing fine.

And then the blob is fine as usual.  So that is great, I would hate for people to get mad at me, but I think people are nice and like the positive content. It does make me feel better to have posts sharing.

So that is interesting too, because that can be compared to medical care and then wow, the cost is doing double value.

Anyway I think I will rest for a while.  Hopefully no zaps from my mom.  She is doing better and I figured out her problems are like a PTSD oriented only at me. It makes me seem like a problem but I am innocent and possibly some of this all means that God himself will explain to a large audience how I did what I was supposed to and no amount of problem reactions from others can succeed in framing me. Because wow there has been quite an effort and it is hard to believe.

So anyway I think people figured that out a long time ago and did a conspiracy and then I prayed for the crowd and someday that story will also be over and we will all just go camping in heaven.

I don't mean that in any certain way Ravneet.

So anyway in about one hour I will probably take my medicine unless I need to rest another hour and take it at eleven.

Thanks everyone for helping me so much!

 Hello everyone, I had a much better day today. Tomorrow I am eating lunch twice with friends. Then Thursday I will eat a lunch and see a friend later for coffee.

So that is good. This is kind of a full schedule. 

Just now I took my medicine and my mom got mad because I left the kitchen light on.  I think i did it because it was the only light on. But she got mad and fussed at me. So that is how I am ending the night.

That is too bad because I wanted to report a much better day.

A little while ago I felt slightly barfy but I think it is okay.

So I need to set my alarm for 10:30.

Well, bye everyone, see you all tomorrow

Anyway, I am trying to get back into a better state of mind for nicer blog posts. Yesterday I had a good therapy session. I need to remember to talk to Drena about PTSD but I think they all concluded immediately that perpetual torture was the diagnosis.

I just frankly don't understand, and a few English teachers could change a lot by sharing my books or poems with some representative classrooms.

Should I go to the mall before eating lunch with John?  Or go to Starbucks? I am drinking coffee right now.  Hmm I did feel better to think about therapy. I mean what would I have done without that. 

So many people are suffering without any help right now.  But they could pray and possibly be provided for.  That is a controversial meme I just made.  Here, I will post one of them:

 Hello everyone. I just wrote a pretty good blog post but did not hit publish. I just felt that the rant quality is something I could keep to myself. 

I can see that the issue is that I am recovering from a recent torture spell that lasted two years, so sometimes I get triggered into needing to explain it to everyone.

Possibly it is time for me to get a PTSD diagnosis based on that experience. I mean I do not know. To me, I would get it based on three two year periods.  But some people say the whole twenty years was a living hell.  I just think there was a lot of relief and happiness in some of the years, and the three two year problems were criminal and tragic with permanent damage to my whole life and society.

So anyway I guess that got on my mind because I was thinking about my attention span problems and how it is making me give up on the books.

If someone has a plan for these books to reach people, you need to make it happen soon because I could see myself unpublishing in a year or two.  Have I said that already?

I might also do a statement soon telling agents they are too late. 

Anyway that is enough.  It is because of the book video, the hints of people seeing that something is missing, then the reflection that the book grief problem might be concluding after twelve years of devastation, and my awareness that there was a recent violation that went unanswered.  An insulting horror of blatant attack from dirty racists in the Bronx, and a crowd of people who excused it because they have no other good deeds to their name for anyone of a different identity.  So that is their one opportunity, to defend mental health workers who commit a crime against a disabled, lonely, depressed person.

Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Tuesday, May 20. I am listening to a presentation by Grace Ji-Sun Kim. It is about the holy spirit.  It is very comforting.

I did not sleep well last night because I was worried about making my sister mad, pleasing my mom, and the risk of being sent to the hospital. I also am paying attention to my mental health. I think I need to start being thankful that my mental health is not worse and my medication is not worse. I am still going to try to be on 40 latuda instead of 60 but I think I should be thankful that it is not worse in terms of medication.

And I think the other thing is that I need to remember that I am in a late stage of life and I gave it a good try with a lot of blessings.

Right now I am running a video ad for the books, and often people will say a comment that they don't know what is in the books and I should tell some jokes or read something.

I think this is because they can tell something is wrong in that they don't already know who I am.  So I try to be patient with it, even though I think I give plenty of information for at least some people to give the books a chance. And maybe they have, but I can't see any sales. 

I have not posted a video in about three months.  I hope Ravneet did not get mad at me.  I think she gets the money but really I don't know. 

I think I have gotten through the whole life span of the books and the grief cycle from that lost career.  That is a big lost career, to feel the overwhelming destiny of being a famous literary writer and then it just disappears without much acknowledgement of how outrageous a loss that is.

I mean that people weren't like, hey, why aren't we reading your books in classrooms.

My status continues as a nobody, even though I keep thinking something will change that.  But it won't.

However I still think the books will sell someday and people will find it to be a great resource.

I am having a nice time with my facebook page. I did a squirrel post last night and it is cute. I hope people like it. I need to do some more blobs soon I think.  That is easy.

Well have a nice day. I will soon write another post.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Monday, May 19. I found my mom changing the trash in my bathroom when I got home. I think she was looking for the barbecue receipt to see if I got the Lowe's store discount. But I noticed that I left a brochure for an apartment complex on the counter near my medicine.  And my mom was sighing constantly out of stress, so I suspected that she saw the brochure and concluded that I was thinking about moving to Greenville. 

So I decided to call my sister, which was my next step, but my sister had me on block. I think it is just her phone setting for the night and I don't take it personally, though I wonder if I should have asked her if I could visit again Sunday.

So then I decided to go ahead and tell mom about the brochure in case my mom needed to talk about it, because I had decided to stay in New York with the housing that I already have.

So I just told mom and she had not seen the brochure and she freaked out a little bit.

I also need to tell her I probably only have about five years left to live.  Because actually that can take the pressure off financially.

She thinks if I moved to Greenville I would need a caregiver.

I do not think so.  She wants me to talk to Gateway.  Well maybe I should.

Right now she is slamming doors and having a fit but she did it herself not only by snooping but by being the kind of person you would suspect of snooping.  By being controlling.  Also the circumstances that are kind of grief-inducing are from her prior abuse and destruction of my mental health and job possibility.

So anyway I think she will work it out and she sees Dr. Messer tomorrow.

She also freaked out because she thought I would be asking for a new car.  Well people who buy new instead of used cars are stupid.  And my parents taught me that but then they made me buy a new car so I would be in debt to them. And I paid it off while they controlled me.  They did the same thing with a computer.

Anyway, I will be fine, and probably my mom will calm down because things are going to be the same.  She can think about the possibility of me moving and decide for herself. She and my sister both have a hard time accepting that I am emotionally abused by mental health staff in new york.  It would just be so much easier if it wasn't true. so maybe let's not believe the schizophrenic person.

So okay. Tomorrow I am going to go get lunch with my friend John.  And then maybe coffee at 6 with my friend Tammy but I don't know if she can for sure. It is okay Tammy either way.

I take my medicine in one hour.

Tomorrow is May 20. I will wake up and it will be a new day.

 Hello everyone, it is Monday, May 19. I just came home from getting coffee and my mom was changing out the trash in my bathroom where I am staying in my old room.  She goes through the trash to find receipts and I believe that is why she was in there.  So that is sad but mostly it has been a good trip here so far. But I definitely caught her and she did not know I was home.  

Earlier today she got upset because I got my nieces a birthday present at the mall.  It was only 17 dollars apiece but not what she would have chosen so she had a tantrum.  Later she did apologize and it could be worse. I think I have to see it as an issue of "caring for aging parents." A lot of people have to deal with irrational mistreatment.  Mostly my trip has been good.

I think some of my anxiety was from the financial combo and mom problems.  But really things are okay.  I am back to kind of not knowing what to do about moving back to Greenville.  I am just not sure it is possible and I know my mom would find a way to control me, probably through making me not have what I needed.  That was their main strategy in my twenties and thirties.

It is weird but people all throughout history have experienced lifelong oppression and for me that is part of my life too from my parents who happened to be middle class blessed churchgoing Americans.  And then I had mental illness and they took the control they wanted. 

And I escaped so heroically but the people who could help thought it was more important to just let it play out in front of everyone. I mean honestly it is harder for me to believe that no one rescued me than to believe my parents did what they did.

But a lot of people did make my life worthwhile and God took care of me.  So I do not know how to interpret it all except that finding my mom looking for receipts does trigger me to write a blog post about a problem that has hurt me for forty years.

 Hello everyone, today is Sunday, May 18.  Last night I had a dream that I was at NYU epilepsy center being evaluated for autism and they put chains on me and I had to walk and I fell down and they confirmed my balance problems.  It was nice to be there and it felt good to have the care.  Psychologically, medical care can really make you feel better and that is how it affected me.

What should I be doing right now.  I wonder if I should go to that Starbucks on east north street.  I think I might, instead of Panera.

I think I have said everything on my mind.  I am doing okay. Just some ups and downs. Maybe soon do a video.  Maybe right now see how a video would turn out.

 I am feeling okay and able to tolerate my mom's foibles a little bit better.  Though at night I do feel the fear.  But I want to give another example of the control that I am talking about.  I have said before that she makes me defend my decision about which plate or bowl to use at dinner time.  Well last night I used a bowl instead of a plate and she wanted me to move the food to a plate instead.  I am talking about what I am eating off of after I already put the food on the dish.  If I changed my mind like she wanted me to, there would be two dishes to wash because mom disagreed with what I chose to eat off of.

That is a psychiatric problem. Too many people accept that and think I am the one with the problem for feeling tortured by it. But that has been a force against me for about thirty years.  Just imagine if you are in high school trying to succeed and your parents start messing up everything you do and asking you why you got a scholarship, like it was wrong of you or something.

It's mental illness but my mom says it isn't mental illness because she has gotten away with it.

However at the same time I am over a hurdle with the money and I know that a lot of people would be happy to endure it for the support I have gotten financially.  Well first of all, most people could not have endured it, and second of all, for many years what I earned with my compliance was just a safety net with no actually cash support.  Like literally zero, no help with rent, no beach vacation, just the peace of knowing if something happened I would be in debt to my first oppressors and not strangers.  That is worth a lot and I don't take it for granted.  But the shadow of torture on my life was also a thing that most people would not have chosen. And once again, I will say, could not have chosen.  You simply would not have lasted a day.

I have met the few .001 percent of people who would have lasted a day, and they are in my mental illness support groups.  It is weird that they were out there somewhere and that there are in fact, people who understand.  I almost can't stand hearing it when they report problems that absolutely do compare with mine.

Well, that is all, I do not know if I will go to Panera later because there could be church traffic.  I need to send my friend Kimberly a message.

Does anyone like my books? I hope they don't get wasted.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried Bean. Today is Sunday, May 18. My mom is at church but will probably be home soon.  I am at home and just ate breakfast and it was yummy.  Some barbecue and a waffle.

I checked the facebook posts and the numbers are very good on these posts. I think I will be at a million from it and it was a very conservative boost. I can see my next three but I think I should have pauses between the boosts.  But I don't know.  Because it takes time for the posts to get to people anyway.

Next up is the polka dotted blob, the frog stained glass, and the stone cross.  I think that will be a nice combo.  This combo was good too and I think facebook saw the wave post as weaker but I think it went well.  I did question a design detail but I think it is okay.

So anyway later I might go to coffee underground to see my friend Kimberly. I should send her a message soon. I haven't been reading any of my books while I have been here. I probably should do a video.

I think one thing holding me back is that my phone makes me look bad.  This phone is not as good as my other phones in terms of usefulness, though it cost more.  I think apple is really getting away with a lot.

I miss Ravneet and don't know when to talk to her because I do not want to wear her out on her days off.

I got through yesterday okay and hopefully will be oaky today. I feel more settled to know my plan is to stay in New York.

I am taking my medicine at 10 pm every day so maybe that will stay as a trend and then I will start walking and jogging and lose ten pounds and feel better about myself.

That could help with the videos too.

I might order a copy of pinnacle of human folly to keep here at this house but I don't know.

It sure is taking the credit card payments a long time to process.  I ended the chase marriot card. The card I most recommend to others is the Citibank Simplicity Card.  It was great and the Amex Amazon business card is also excellent.  And I kept the venmo card, and paypal has a nice card too.

It's weird that this content is doing better than my jokes page. It is just so easy.  I enjoy it a lot and it is a happy great hobby during a time of low functioning. However I put a lot of thought into those jokes and I hope they haven't totally finished with no more audiences.  I would not mind reaching another hundred million people with them but honestly maybe people have had enough of social media humor.

Wow I have seen some funny posts, and the squirrel pages I follow are absolutely hilarious.

Well, that is all for now, I will post again soon.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Saturday, May 17 at 9:10 pm. I had a good day today. I felt better in the afternoon and resolved in my mind some of my stressors.  One thing is that I started believing that if they torture me in New York, I could move to Greenville for my last three or four years under certain conditions. This gives me some freedom and power that I did not have.  But I still feel that the deal I have in nyc is good if people don't abuse me, and right now I have a good case manager.  So I will plan to stay for my agreed upon year and a half more, and maybe until the end if they let me have two more years.

I am glad to see it so clearly.  I talked to a friend and she undid some of my reasoning but mostly just challenged what I concluded and still feel certain about.  I can see the path ahead of me, like drop off a copy of library book and tell the nice apartment lady that I might be in touch later on but not immediately.

So that is good. I just think things changed for my mom when my dad died and she is also recovering emotionally from some of the problems in the last ten years. So she has good memories and love instead of rejection and pain that she takes out on me and then grieves the fact that she is killing her own daughter.

Anyway that was a tangent.  Also today I did some art for my page and posted about 7 new images.  It is good stuff, right in line with my goals.  Right now I have some weaker posts sharing but I still feel good about it.  I am getting trolled sometimes, though, and I don't appreciate it.  If it gets too targeted I might threaten legal action to the person as a slander and defamation case. 

But mostly my memes are doing fine.  I think I don't have the same numbers for some countries as my jokes page, so maybe I will think about it and do more culture congruent jokes instead of the religious memes. i mean if the doors are closed then they are closed and I can work with that for now.

There are too many ads on my youtube video feed and it is slight stress to vigilantly skip them so nothing yucky gets through. And my slow internet is an issue but I think it will be back to normal tomorrow.

That is when I will start doing some designs for my sister's towel idea.  I think they will be called "Wow towels". 

I feel some uneasiness right now but will probably be okay as I take my medicine soon and go to sleep.

I told my friend why I felt better and I think it was like bragging and I didn't mean to do that so she might have redisturbed me on purpose. But I think it is okay.

Tomorrow I will attend one of my churches online. I guess there might be a saddleback service posted right now so maybe I will check that out. 

I am praying some but not enough. My state of mind is fluctuating and my attention span is short. 

I read through notions and emotions and it is great but I can't read it all.

I think some people can read it though and will like it.

This summer I will try to lose weight and earn some rewards from health people.

Well that is a fun game but I am feeling motivated and it just takes time after the medicine assault.

 

 Hello everyone, today is Saturday, May 17. I just inquired about an apartment in Greenville, SC.  It would cost a lot more than my deal now but I am still considering it. The fact is that people have been too mean to me in the mental health services and it is near a total loss, like literally every aspect of life except survival being taken back somehow through emotional abuse.

So possibly if my sister can help a little bit each month, maybe with the amount she saved from the phone bill, and then if my mom kept it the same, I think I might be able to be okay for four years.  That is the other thing is that I believe I will not last that long.

But it will be hard to be on my own again.

So the next step is to talk to my sister and then Drena.

The apartment is in a good location for Carolina Center for Behavioral Health where maybe I could be in IOP sometimes. And I could walk to the grocery store if it turned out that I could not drive anymore.

Another option is to ask my mom for a raise in support and then it is my call on whether to spend that on rent.  But I don't know what my mom can afford. So I think I will talk to my sister and then my therapist and then maybe talk to my mom about it.

Another thing of interest is that I reinstated my credit cards that I regretted closing.  They gave me the option and I took it.  But I had cut up the card so they are mailing a new one.

That is crazy isn't it. I hope the mail will be safe at Waters Place.

So I will think about this stuff and would appreciate feedback.

 Hello everyone. It is 2 pm on may 17. My numbers are surprisingly good on my posts for facebook. Some of them are weaker posts, too, but in a way they aren't.  They were simple and easy but still good posts.

Below this post are the two new memes from today.

Tonight I might try to do one more keeper.

I think I will lie down for a while. It seems that today I will not be going to do apartment inquiries. Maybe I will do that Monday.

Maybe I am okay for a while. It helped me to crack the code and realize that staying here with mom is still not an option.  So that is too bad but at least I know because part of what is driving me crazy is my therapist's suggestion that I come back to Greenville. I mean what if both my mom and my sister could help make that possible for me.

International Conspiracy, it really helped me that you guys said "Amen" yesterday and today. I just was having some problems and it was nice to have the support so thanks a lot.

Anyway I guess I will go lay down. I think I am okay with the anxiety and it will happen at night. I think some of it was finances and I looked up the disability conference and felt better.

I think I can do it. It is just kind of weird and random that I am going there with not that much social connection or professional benefit to anyone. And I am not sure it is a match for my own disability status.

But last night I just felt like yes I will attend and it is meant to be for whatever reason.

So anyway life is weird. Maybe if I had an apartment here I would feel like I had more rights.

 

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. I made a new meme.  Actually I made two but only one is good. I think other than that I will do a few more blobs.  I mean maybe I can have another church batch for the future in about two weeks.

I need to calculate my budget and be more strategic.

And I need to realize june has more expenses.

But I can afford those expenses. It will be okay.

I have some lunches and dinners lined up: vance, john, brain.  Three very nice people who made me feel better.  What about jenn, Hallie, tammy, and amanda.  Was I supposed to call amanda today. I think take my time and be patient.

This will be a good trip.  I think my mom emotionally punishes me if I socialize with a friend and that is the pattern I didn't notice before.  But the way it is with abuse is you can't always find a pattern that makes sense.  Because they are just doing it to make you feel bad. 

But it could be worse so I am going to see if it gets better after yesterday.  That was my biggest splurge.

I forgot to eat the leftovers for lunch so I will eat them in a few hours. It will be yummy.

I took a pantropazole earlier.

I feel bad for doctors to fail at autism.  I am more sensitive to the medicine and they should prescribe less but are too scared and people please.

Sorry but i have to tell the truth about psych meds. It is a violation on levels that used not to happen very much in America.

Ok that is all. Soon a new post.

 Hello everyone. It is Saturday, May 17. I am not sure the power outlet in my mom's house are working well enough.  But she got the water fixed.  She is doing well on her own.  As soon as I got here, my therapist suggested that I might want to stay.  So I am imagining that.  But I don't know if I can. 

My mom is starting to monitor me too closely and control me and criticize every decision I make.  And this is a vacation trip so it is decisions like what glass to use and how much sauce to put on the barbecue.

So that is sad.  I woke up feeling better but that peace was snatched pretty quickly.

I checked facebook and one of my posts is doing unusually well.  The other two are only doing okay and I thought they might be more popular.  So I guess live and learn.  But it was a small budget so really the numbers are good. Actually the numbers are great, reaching about a million people for 150 dollars is actually double than usual on my other pages.

So I do not know how it works.  I am not sure they are as eagerly sending my posts to some countries. But it is okay. I am getting some good amens. I don't know how the posts are going to trolls. I got a few trolls in recent days but I just have to monitor and delete. 

I have anxiety and fear and hopefully I will have some relief from that.

I just think my mom is torturing me on purpose. Like I was going to panera but now I will have coffee here.  So what will I do at Panera.  And I need a place to go and be calm.  At the mall the security people are following me too much. I do not like it and I have given them no reason to intimidate me.

I am just not a happy okay person and this started when Tamara abused me and they messed up my medicine.  There is no excuse for a poor outcome like this.  It is a symbolic failure from many bad people.

Hello everyone, it is 11:39.  I believe I will attend the soon conference as planned, as well as the novel retreat.  I think I will be in an okay state of mind there and that the problems I feel here are from the social problems here and waiting for the finances to be settled.

It confuses me that my therapist suggested living here in Greenville. I don't see how that is possible and how I can afford it without being controlled by my mom.

Also would I have enough mental health care. I would love to do outpatient programs at Carolina Behavioral Health Center.

Anyway I kind of feel better to see that I probably can do the conferences.

I might try to raise my credit limit for venmo. That might make me feel better. Like if it was 3000. And that would make my total 8500.

But I have to say that I did probably have it made with those two smaller cards.

So next week I will ask Venmo if they will do that. I mean maybe I just didn't nail it.

I believe my mom is torturing me on purpose and I do not know why.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Friday, May 16. I just sat down to type so I could feel better and the type was too small for no reason. I do not understand but now it is back to normal but it is too late and I am anxious.  I started feeling better after drinking some coffee but lost that progress.

I am experiencing bad anxiety in the afternoons and evenings so far on my trip.  I think some of it is from my mom and the financials.  But she just helped me with that today so I am thankful but there is something about it that is making me feel fear.  Some of it could be because it takes a few days for all the payments to go through, and some of it could be from upcoming expenses that are going to make my budget immediately tight again.

I have been questioning if I should have kept two of the smaller cards as backup.  I think maybe I should have but I will trust my decision to be strict. Because it frees up 80 dollars a month. Wow I should have kept those cards but it is okay.

But I think really the anxiety is from the Latuda.  And the socializing. But I feel better from some socializing.  I will have to do some phone-a-friends this weekend and email my therapist Monday. Also Tuesday I talk to my counselor from my mental health program.

So far, being on facebook has made me feel better when I post a new ai image. I am boosting some now and hopefully it will be a good boost. But I actually do feel some trauma feelings from the scam.  That went well but now I have two extra facebook pages and I am not sure I have the same happy feelings about those new pages. Like they truly are extra and not as rewarding.  But people did like the blobs.

So anyway all these examples of things on my mind actually aren't the thing.  It is a spiritual hole from my mom's control and the latuda.  Last time I was here it only happened when I was trying to go to sleep.  But now I feel it for half the day no matter where I am.

But honestly my mom is doing better in some ways and started off not being critical. And yet I feel that if I start hanging out with friends she is going to attack. I do not know why.  You try to analyze it but it does not make sense because it is illogical. 

Anyway I need to write a few more posts.

Thanks everyone, that was quite a tightrope.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is 10:20 on Friday, May 16. I am soon going to the mall and eat lunch with a friend. My mom helped me with my credit cards and I am out of the hole from the business loan aspect of advertising and book investments. I had 22 credit accounts at one point and am now down to just one business, one personal, and an old 500 dollar credit line on a checking account that started 27 years ago.  And I reduced my business credit limit so it is more normal.  I believe this means that I will not be more than 5000 in debt at any given time now.  That is a tight budget honestly but I had already spent the credit so was only spending my actually income amount for the most part. 

It felt sad to close the cards because they are a nice blessing but I had to do it.  Wow it was hard to do for several of them.  I just really did use those cards for specific expenses.

I wasn't able to stop all the monthly charges so I hope that works out okay. I did try to as much as I could.

What card should I use for lunch today? I hate to let my main debit card out of my sight because what if they take the money that the final payments are all from?  But I think it will be okay.

I kind of feel good but that was a challenge.

I need to get used to this new budget.  I think I can see what the budget is.  I might not get a new polo shirt on this trip but I do not know. If I do it will be that dark pink Izod.

Ravneet, are you proud of me. Did you see how strict I was?

The zoo commemorated it with Ume the Tapir's release into the public viewing section.  Thanks everyone, we do not know what it all means.

But wow the credit card customer service people were nice.

Well, that is all. The total reach at this point for facebook pages was 40 million views. That is my career.  If that is all then I can be okay, thanks again to India, Pakistan, Libya, Nigeria, Botswana, and the other countries who were nice to me.

 Do you guys like my new art posts? I think they are only okay and I need to mix in some animals. I might have some already done on my phone.  I feel good about the level of church messages that it is.  I think it is a nice friendly addition to facebook and just within my zone of skills.  It makes me feel better. I am back on my art and poetry page.  I do not know how much I will use the two new pages but probably some. I think I will stay calm and not feel like I always have to be dropping a hundred dollars. In fact I think the next two posts I share will be thirty dollars only. Just a little something for lucky winners.

I am feeling calmer. I don't know what the issue was.  I also don't know if I drank too much coffee. I think I will have some orange drink soon instead of another coffee.  But the one tonight was decaf.

Do you have any thoughts about life in New York. I mean am I going to move back to the south and write about the north from a distance? I mean that is crazy.

I don't see how I can survive without those hospitals but maybe that is the idea is to not need to survive.

I think I would have about twenty more friends to hang out with if I moved back. I might host parties and let people meet each other.  And maybe the newspaper could do a story about some of my books.

I hope some school teachers try out some books in their classrooms and have good experiences. That is really what the poems and stories are for.

I had a weird dream last night where I was at Montreat and there was a guy who confessed to watching bad movies.  And he was not a church person but I assured him that he would receive mercy.  Isn't that weird? And I woke up and thought about whether I had treated one of my church friends with the same acceptance. And it was about the flood, too, like wow I can feel how crazy it was. Like last time I was here I could not fathom any of it and now I am like oh my gosh what happened. I mean it is weird. I think maybe I was traumatized from a distance though of course I know there was nothing like being there. That is not what I am saying.  I mean there are people from some of those disaster areas showing up at churches and we really need to be there for them. 

And then the teens and poverty and hopes and dreams and strife.  So I feel that differently here and will try to at least pray more.

I did have a good time at my sisters house and cracked some jokes with the nieces.

 Hello everyone, today is Thursday, May 15. It is 7:33. I am in a writing session with other writers from CWI. It is kind of comforting and I also feel better after creating some ai art this afternoon.  But for some reason I am feeling some social anxiety and general angst.  I think my health is okay and I don't have tachyardia.  And blood pressure is okay.  Actually right now I am calm.  But all afternoon I felt mild stress.  I do not know why but I think it is social.  But my friend Brain sent me a message about lunch later next week and my friend John is going to also eat lunch with me sometime. Was I supposed to invite him for tomorrow's lunch? I just didn't know what to do.  The friend I already scheduled it with might have liked to meet him.  But to me that is changing plans a little bit and this is not my early years where socializing is one big extravaganza.  This is a survival situation. I mean maybe I let feelings of poverty affect me too much.

So anyway I guess I need to brainstorm about what is best.  I only have on more year that I am allowed to stay in my new york apartment and I am absolutely treated like garbage by pretty much every mental health organization and other institution in the Bronx, including the cops.

And maybe it is an option now. My mom can handle some discussions better and has obviously recovered some from her own trauma.  But it is a problem that she has no mental health care. I have needed two thousand therapy appointments to recover. I mean maybe the idea is to get an apartment.

Maybe Ravneet could live with me in an apartment and get a job at Carolina Center for Behavioral Health.