I am feeling okay and able to tolerate my mom's foibles a little bit better.  Though at night I do feel the fear.  But I want to give another example of the control that I am talking about.  I have said before that she makes me defend my decision about which plate or bowl to use at dinner time.  Well last night I used a bowl instead of a plate and she wanted me to move the food to a plate instead.  I am talking about what I am eating off of after I already put the food on the dish.  If I changed my mind like she wanted me to, there would be two dishes to wash because mom disagreed with what I chose to eat off of.

That is a psychiatric problem. Too many people accept that and think I am the one with the problem for feeling tortured by it. But that has been a force against me for about thirty years.  Just imagine if you are in high school trying to succeed and your parents start messing up everything you do and asking you why you got a scholarship, like it was wrong of you or something.

It's mental illness but my mom says it isn't mental illness because she has gotten away with it.

However at the same time I am over a hurdle with the money and I know that a lot of people would be happy to endure it for the support I have gotten financially.  Well first of all, most people could not have endured it, and second of all, for many years what I earned with my compliance was just a safety net with no actually cash support.  Like literally zero, no help with rent, no beach vacation, just the peace of knowing if something happened I would be in debt to my first oppressors and not strangers.  That is worth a lot and I don't take it for granted.  But the shadow of torture on my life was also a thing that most people would not have chosen. And once again, I will say, could not have chosen.  You simply would not have lasted a day.

I have met the few .001 percent of people who would have lasted a day, and they are in my mental illness support groups.  It is weird that they were out there somewhere and that there are in fact, people who understand.  I almost can't stand hearing it when they report problems that absolutely do compare with mine.

Well, that is all, I do not know if I will go to Panera later because there could be church traffic.  I need to send my friend Kimberly a message.

Does anyone like my books? I hope they don't get wasted.