Hello everyone, it is Monday, May 19. I just came home from getting coffee and my mom was changing out the trash in my bathroom where I am staying in my old room.  She goes through the trash to find receipts and I believe that is why she was in there.  So that is sad but mostly it has been a good trip here so far. But I definitely caught her and she did not know I was home.  

Earlier today she got upset because I got my nieces a birthday present at the mall.  It was only 17 dollars apiece but not what she would have chosen so she had a tantrum.  Later she did apologize and it could be worse. I think I have to see it as an issue of "caring for aging parents." A lot of people have to deal with irrational mistreatment.  Mostly my trip has been good.

I think some of my anxiety was from the financial combo and mom problems.  But really things are okay.  I am back to kind of not knowing what to do about moving back to Greenville.  I am just not sure it is possible and I know my mom would find a way to control me, probably through making me not have what I needed.  That was their main strategy in my twenties and thirties.

It is weird but people all throughout history have experienced lifelong oppression and for me that is part of my life too from my parents who happened to be middle class blessed churchgoing Americans.  And then I had mental illness and they took the control they wanted. 

And I escaped so heroically but the people who could help thought it was more important to just let it play out in front of everyone. I mean honestly it is harder for me to believe that no one rescued me than to believe my parents did what they did.

But a lot of people did make my life worthwhile and God took care of me.  So I do not know how to interpret it all except that finding my mom looking for receipts does trigger me to write a blog post about a problem that has hurt me for forty years.