Gice possibly I was too slow to think of inviting a few people from my church in NY. Like I could imagine me plus Natalie plus Monique, or even five or six people just for fun. But it is invite only. And I think this is late in the game to secure an invite. But the pastor category is a thing and some people are online pastors. So if I said can I bring a friend who is also relevant to the conference then they might say yes. And people can only be an attendee now.

But honestly maybe it is a good idea. I think three of us. Because I am medically fragile. And I could ask my mom for some help but maybe less.

I just do really want to go to the conference if I can.

 Ok I think I am cracking the code on that. The issue is if I am asking a church to help out, shouldn't it be the other church.  And my feeling is that they already do their thing and I do mine, and they know that 2000 dollars would pay for half a year of the outreach in question.  It also creates kind of an agenda feeling, like what's in it for my other church that would help me go there. It is a mission other than the actual theme of the event.  This is the stuff that pastors have to figure out a lot. But a lot of solves itself because they are doing their main mission.  So do I have any conflicts of interests.  Not really, just a limited budget.  So now we question facebook not monetizing me.  And where are they? In the location of my church's jurisdiction.

I mean maybe this is interesting, maybe I just simply don't have enough money for a one day event where I would be utterly tormented anyway.  And then what else? I feel how close I am to being able to ask for help from my new york church but have felt like it is not right to ask for help on the memes.  And honestly I think I am right about both things.

Anyway I kind of think I am going to ask about the trip, to send another person and myself, but the other person hasn't been accepted with a free ticket. So hmm. I just think this is an opportunity to work this out.

I mean it might come down to the fact that I am not that active of a member.

But really I think all parties see the interests and goals.  And at the end of the day we try to save money but pray for the world because my gosh we do want people to go to heaven.

So anyway I have been feeling gallbladder twinges and I just ate a small piece of cheesecake and I am not sure that was a good idea but probably I will be fine. It feels lower than the gallbladder like the liver but I think it is the gallbladder. It is not that bad. 

Gice I think I can't ask for another person to go with me because they would have to be accepted too.  That is the issue and possibly one that I don't want to navigate and wait for. But I will think about this some more. I think actually most anyone who would go with me would also be innocent and not photo bombing the event.

 Pals, I have felt better about food this spring and am thankful for the vittles from Instacart. I will try to make some egg sandwiches and not waste the bread and eggs. I wish I had sausage but the shopper could not find it.

I might take my medicine at 3 am and try to wake up at 11 so I can go downtown at 2:30.  It is going to be hot but I will hopefully be okay.

Am I going to fly to California. I do not know. I mean you kind of just buy the plane tickets, book a hotel, and get a cab.  I don't know if I am up for it. I think they know it might happen but might not.

Most people don't have a lot of money right now.  For me there is a health factor, too. And scatterbrain.

What about taking a friend with me. Hmm I do not know. By the way I know I forgot a staff member. I can't remember the guy's name. I think it starts with an R and is the same name as a female that I know.  But I can't remember it and I am sorry.  There are probably other people anyway.

Ok this idea is forming.  Similar to what I dismissed. I was going to see if my liberal church wanted to send me as an ambassador to the evangelicals.  But I am like no, we cant afford it, and I am not that much of an insider to even ask.  But what if one of them also wanted to attend? I just don't know. They might feel like a caregiver. I will think about it.

 Ok back to the torture topic. I am a little tired of the subject myself. I think it was a power play from Greenville to NYU.  I do not know who has concluded what.  I actually think some people think it is my whole adulthood.  But I think of it more as three two year periods of a level 5 assault from stn, with many willing human weapons.

So three living hells.  And the rest just a hard life.  I feel that I always have company and many, many people dip into these same levels for significant time periods in their lives.  And then there is something else, which is losses, and that is pretty extreme as well.  And then the blindness from a lot of onlookers.  

There is something else interesting which is that I have for my whole life felt guilty to have a roof over my head but feel like this housing I have is fair and right. I always have stared at the ceiling in places and felt unworthy. But here I feel like a pea in the pod with everyone.

So that is interesting. I just wish we had a stop and shop and I don't understand why people had to hurt us all by taking it away. It makes me have despair for the whole country and world.

 Hello everyone. Today is Tuesday, June 30. I felt depressed and medicated this morning, but I am feeling better now and think I will have an okay night preparing for my open mic comedy show tomorrow.  I will use a small piece of paper and I am adding one joke to the evangelical section. It helps me to add a joke each time so I am not bored by my routine.

Some nice people who make demons go away reminded me of themselves and I really appreciate that. I am not really scared, just wishing for more visions.  But sometimes I am scared or bothered and the evil power did attack me about three times recently.  But I am okay right now.

I have two different feelings floating around, one of which is the frustration and emptiness from posting three books without the traction of sales and readership.  No one needs to call it torture, but it is a very sad life experience for me and not anything new.  But there is something else which counteracts it and that is my awareness of how amazing the conspiracy is.  I mean anyone would love to have even one percent of that attention.  And yet there have been combinations of both those things that have been hard to tolerate sometimes.  And there is a taunting teasing factor where my goals get with-held for twenty years as I work hard in front of an audience that seems supportive but watches things not pay off in normal ways.

No need to dwell on it. I just appreciate the creativity a lot but question the waste.  Same as usual.  There is waste.  I don't understand it.  And this fake promise that is still on the table, where there may be pending recognition but I would sometimes trade it all just to be able to call some people names. And how I might research a certain process and send an email listing 90 names of people I have chosen to curse at instead.

 Pals.  It is 10:30. I am doing okay. Will I make new memes. I mean I do not know. I don't have to suddenly make thirty memes. 

I don't think I will have a rivalry with other memesters. I am at peace with people being better than me on that. The issue was always that I had good material to share. But I see how a lot of memes are funnier than my poems. It is okay. I don't mind my memes being a bridge between those memes and people who have milder ideas. I don't mean that in a bad way. I still like regular thoughts from people. "I was hungry and you gave me something to eat." A lot of the stuff is going to be normal every day food, ideas, memes, activities, etc.

Anyway, I think I need to call my sister and ask her if she needs me to go to Greenville to help mom with her knee.

Tomorrow I will get my routine together for the open mic.

Toastmasters, I am sorry I missed the meeting. I will try again soon.

I am not happy with my sleep schedule and want to get back to normal but I can't.

I will try to keep walking. I did not walk today.

My doctor's office made an appointment for July 14. 

Well have a good day everyone.

 i don't really say well what I am trying to say about the virtue that some people focused on.  I found another mission where I had to be more human in the process.  And it was legitimate and should have had real societal fruit, truly for everyone, with plenty of character and christian witness.  But people blocked utterly any sign of harvest from my life, and unanimously tell me that I am supposed to be displaying these other levels of patience that I think might be highlighted a lot in the letters of paul.  And a lot of people try harder than that and do well.  But that was their mission, not mine. And I don't deserve to be judged by them. And I don't need people to create an illusion, an absolute deception, that my whole life was supposed to be some kind of rigged fake game to demonstrate that stuff, meanwhile with everyone acting like the actual calling that I succeeded at didn't count and never should have.

And maybe the issue now is that I am supposed to be on my path where I care less about what people think and not be affected at all by a disgruntled and fooled audience, but once again, I am questioned for caring about not wasting my life and opportunities. It is all seen as worldly and useless instead of my only platform after church has made their perpetual decision, completely consistent, to waste my gifts to the point of putting me at risk of not even staying alive.  That is what you people do, time and time again, and I knew thirty years ago that it would never change, and I was right about that, wasn't I.  But if I pretend to be a convert, then I can get enough attention to survive the attack from the worse people.  

 Hey everyone, my books got approved on amazon. I did remember that my friend Emily had done an actual retelling of Les Miz.  I just forgot. But I think my book is different enough and funny. I think it is still the right book to use for that purpose of my joke. 

However I might look for a way to do something for my friend sometime if I am able. Her book optimization for googling is very good though already.

So anyway i got a kirkus email to promote my review but wow of course not. The reviews are too low and I am used as a convenient foil, probably because of my amateur book covers. I feel like it was an opportunity for them to show off their true objectivity but possibly it is not as true as I would hope.

So anyway no need to sqwawk about that. I think for the rest of the imaginary mice books I will use the online book club review system which comes up more often in google, too. I mean that is interesting, how the kirkus reviews don't show up in an author search.  Because they want you to pay for any visibility.

I am glad though that someone read a few of my books.

Hello everyone. It is 1:44 am. Time to take my medicine soon. 

Pals. Are people mad at me?

I am thinking of giving a speech where I talk about that mickey mouse shirt incident.

I just don't think that the pride parade was about me. But a million people, that is amazing.

Wow I have no regrets from not going.

I guess I am supposed to be sleeping. 

I might call Dr. Busch tomorrow and tell her I am getting attacked by an evil power sometimes.

I forgot about something to interpret.

Maybe I will pray for those pals who have surgery tomorrow.

Pals. I am trying to crack the code on a bible verse. It is the one about God humbling the people who exalt themself and exalting the people who humble themself and I think if I read it and try to apply it then whatever I do is a form of seeking the exaltation.  

So I think the trick is to put my mind on other people who I actually care about, in other countries and our own, and then just feel the sincere prayers form. And then the greed kicks in and I can really send in some requests. Which again is me telling everyone I am praying but for some reason that just became my lifestyle is to pray and say.

But I think part of why that is the life for some reason has to do with God already intervening in my hypocrisy schemes.  I think the mental illness addressed that and now I am a coke machine.

Ok we have discussed this before. I just feel like when I mention the torture it is some kind of attempt to get a cheap admiration of some kind. And yet it is really what I have to say in my normal work life that is already kind of just true in a certain way. Like I'm on the path, it is already established, and I just yap in a certain way. So I talk about whatever is true in my life.  And the torture is one of those subjects.

So I think this feeling of batting into the air, like when you miss the ball and swing and hit nothing, might be something contrived by the torture scenario itself.  Like it's y'all, not me.

But I kind of don't appreciate this whole thing where people insist that I should have chosen certain christian behavior that I chose not to invest in for a reason. I had another project I was working on and had to choose my battles and chose wisely.  But everyone just wastes all that and questions why I am not doing whatever the conservative presbyterians wasted their time on.

I mean is that it? You wanted me to say that? So there is no positive crowd of beneficiaries but instead a small angry mob of elite rejectors? And that's it?

Anyway I had a good time on facebook this weekend. I wish I had gone to toastmasters. I did not realize it was yesterday. I need to make a calendar for myself.

Should I go downtown tomorrow? I need to check the weather.

I guess just keep walking and think of jokes and do the comedy.

 Hello everyone.  I left off the following post from my book and I kind of wish it was in there so who knows, there could be another eventual upload.  But I am happy with it for now.

I accidentally posted a photo without cropping it so people can see how dirty my computer is. Well that is too bad but it is okay.

Had an incident on the jokes page but I think I fixed it pretty well.

There is something else to say, which is that I am considering using AI to write a story about groundhogs.

I just feel like I can't write any more but still want to write about cute characters.  Maybe I can do a series of scenes. Hmm, maybe I will try that. Ok I can be strong and not use ai yet.

i felt the bad feeling last night and drove it away myself in a conversation. Then I felt it again today a little bit but now it is gone. I think I can read NYP notes if it comes back.

Gice.  the computer in the photo. I mean I could crop and edit.

 Pals, I wish I could have gone to Xu Xi's party. She certainly made the invite available. But I forgot to RSVP and inquire. However I think I would not have done well because of pride crowds.

I think my health post is okay. I did not know if I should post or not but eventually I felt like it was time for an update. And I think the conspiracy agrees.  And I also truly believe that on any of these visits, it could be the time when I am not okay.  But I still do think it is when I am 53. So I say that. 

It's not a big deal. This is a time for most of my generation where we lose our parents and for some people, bad things happen and they themselves are gone soon. And I am one of those people.  And it could have happened much sooner and did for some people.

Wow that is so sad.

But at the same time, there are things I am tired of and people are tired of some of my stuff but that is because they were also harmed by people hurting me.

Ravneet is not sad about my post.  She already knows and is having a good time as part of the conspiracy.

Do you gice like my jokes that are posting? I kind of want to boost the gambling insurance joke.  But I do not know if I will. I don't know if people will get it or not.

I just got a secret message that some people know something that they are pretending not to know.

That is hilarious. I mean think of the jokes. Like on pride day, coming out as Bobby Hurley.

 Pals, I am going to try to go to a mensa meeting. It is not that easy. I am going to mostly listen today.

I wanted to take a walk. I think I could have. Now it is hot and going to rain soon.

What should I eat for lunch.  possibly make crescent rolls. With strawberry jam and butter.

Pals, the hospital notes. Kind of interesting.  Not really a game.  Like I did not even pay attention to the vitals until I saw that my blood pressure was too high.  I think it is back to normal now.

I mean kind of disturbing when you can't breathe correctly.  But it was anxiety.

I mean that felt real like it wasn't planned by the conspiracy.

I feel like Montefiore just got credit for all the medical care.  

But that was pretty crazy what they did for me. 

 Gice I really love hospital people but most of all I like my girlfriend named Ravneet. We have a very fun life and there is something kind of funny that I just remembered. But anyway I am boosting some videos on instagram. I hope the videos are cute enough. I had a hard time deciding which rendition to do for the factory video and the mouse to me is almost perfect but only shows the profile of the mouse.  But that is okay.  They are just 6 second videos. 

What about the jokes for the jokes page.  The jelly beans and the banker novel.  Ok I think I will boost that too. I mean I just feel how I am absolutely doing nothing else today. Should I take a walk? I thought it was raining.  I mean maybe I should take a walk.

Well, have a nice day everyone.

 Pals, it has been a while since a video boost. I think it is good to see how it goes with the new ai notice. I don't really mind it but think for cartoons the process shouldn't matter that much. The media elites have used advanced software for decades and the general public might have been impressed more than we will be now that we have some software.

Anyway I think my videos are cute but i think what is missing from the mouse video is the front view but it is still really cute. And the blob factory is not perfect but still to me cute enough.

Different from a checkerboard theme. I mean that one where the blob is on the boogie board to me is one of the absolute cutest ever. I might boost it again, frankly. I mean I could just boost it again right now.

Anyway I don't feel an urgent need to boost anything from the jokes page. But the novel post might be something I boost soon.  And the jelly beans. I mean maybe I will and round out this total.  For about five mil.  I mean to me I see myself as still ten mil away from 200 mil. However if you count all the likes and shares, etc, it is already up there. And yet why not go by my other estimate.

I think I wont reboost that blob on the water but it is so cute. It is my favorite of the videos. Does anyone have any opinions. I mean looking at my old jokes makes me realize what a blessing that was.  And I think that was my smaller numbers but it wasn't. It was very good with people really getting the jokes.

I mean I have a career, I just forget sometimes. The conspiracy feels that we really need to suggest that it is not about the money. Hmm I just question some things because there is such thing as providing for yourself and I did do the best I could.  So again I question obscuring the true path.

But anyway I am thinking boost two jokes. I mean for some reason, I feel like going for the cool mil on the videos. Are these videos cute enough. I think they are. What about that yellow and green guy.  And the dust blobs. I mean maybe the dust blobs I could add soon. I mean hmm maybe so. I mean maybe do that now. I think I should.  I mean I do not know. Maybe save them for later. I mean it is nice having some possibles to add another time.

 Gice the people who have let me have a seat on the subway are going to be at judgement day and I am going to be hugging their feet in front of all of humanity.  and just think of the other people like Daniella, Yara, Danielle, Karla, I mean that is all I will name, and people like that who did stuff for years to keep me alive.  I mean should I hug people's feet now on the subway, I don't think so. I think I should save it for when they really could be blessed by a reward. I mean I just can't believe when they save me a seat, especially near 42 street on that 6 train, and they are just standing there not sitting down. 

I mean you can't believe it. But that is not cool when I look at people already seated and they read my mind and know I just want them to leave the train. I mean that truly is the worst of my brattiness and sometimes I don't even mean it. It is compulsive.  And yet wow I always do sit down in a competitive way. I mean the comfort, and the food, I mean I just can't help it.

But anyway I hope people are going to all get some good stuff. I mean some people aren't doing right.

I like the trash can person and I think it is kind of cruel to do a trash can give away, like you can give but you can't forgive.  But maybe this is about the young people.  Like teaching them not to be a hooligan.

I mean maybe this is about the imaginary mice. But I like that Angie Baez person and I hope people give her a job soon, I mean I think those photos were cute and I am not saying I am interested in that way but I think it was not a bad fifteen minutes of fame.

And now a rent freeze.  Like don't take a trashcan but we can tell one million people they don't have to pay their lease.  Well guess what, I am in support of that, too.  New York is doing great. You can feel the blessing and the great weather. I hope everyone has a good pride weekend. I myself probably won't go downtown. I mean for me possibly Thai food or something but I need to save some money and feel better after this SSDI check. I mean there is not another bail out for months. So this is it. Getting those accounts back to normal.  And then one small facebook boost. 

Are you guys thinking not to go for the cool mils on the videos? Like maybe always 606060.  I kind of think that might be the humble thing. And to think of kids with budgets for social media.

Gice, all the parenting, the suffering people, I mean all I can do is pray. I tried to provide books. But it is just jokes and poems.  I wish people would read it all.

Gice it is a nice path.  Food, volunteering, walking, friends, creative writing, open mics.  Can you believe what the Wit's End kind of people did for me? I mean I can't believe it.  And think of all the charitable giving and has anything ever been better than when our slam team got some free meals? I mean to me that beats world vision. I will say it in front of the judgement day crowds. The multitudes. 

Well, have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, I went to sleep for a while. I missed the job talk group which is one of my favorite groups but I am happy for myself for getting sleep. It also meant missing a meal which I could eat now, a piece of stouffers french bread pizza, but I don't know.  Maybe I should miss the meal.  Earlier today I ate a brownie and caramel macchiato.

I am breathing better and realize that the weird feeling that sent me to the hospital was anxiety plus asthma plus a normal health dip.  I just didn't recognize it.

I liked the hospital people.  They might have rewarded me for exercising but I don't know.  I like that nurse named Laura.  She is a nice person and the PA and really all of them. It was very clean and not too crowded there.  They did not make me wear something I did not want to wear or anything close to that.

The hospital there always has trouble finding my vein for blood tests which drives me crazy but it was okay. I gave a book to the cool person named Natalie. 

Right now there is a high pitched noise in my apartment and I don't know what is causing it. Is it my refrigerator or something outside? I had a dream that we all got evacuated and now I wonder if it was real and they announced it on the intercom which no one can hear. 

I kind of think the noise is my refrigerator. It is not. It is in the hall from the elevator or something. It is not that loud. I think maybe I should make a grilled cheese sandwich.

Karla was really nice to me yesterday. I think it is a reward for walking.  She said inspection looked good.  I mean it kind of drives me crazy for them to use inspection to reward other stuff and not praise me any time I do inspection right.  Because to me that is the issue is that I can't do that at all and then do.

But I think mostly I am like you know what, this was God's plan, and for whatever reason, the things that drive me crazy about this housing were meant to be part of my life.

Today I told my therapist my delusions. I mean actually I have no idea what is true.  Because it seems like this is some kind of delusion puncture week and I should have congratulated my therapist on making it this far, like what, twelve years until finally all my delusions are proven wrong.  The literary status, the conspiracy, the health martyrdom, I mean all of it.  And yet that could be just a game is they taught me how to treat psychosis but all of my suspicions are real.  I mean I do not know.

But I think Ravneet is my person.  And I think when the hospital said that they think I am okay, I think they meant that they think I am a legitimate literary participant.  And I should be humble and have good behavior for their sake too.

I mean I do not know.  But it is cool living near them.  But I miss the stop and shop.

 Pals, I took an iron pill. Second one this week. I don't have fatigue that bad but I think the shortness of breath is from low iron.  So it is kind of a serious issue. But I am okay and this is a low point for it, but I hope the iron pills are enough and I kind of don't feel good sometimes.

But it is okay. I think people can notice my neck sometimes, too.  But that is also okay. I mean I think I have three years left and we are going to see some stuff.  And I am okay so far but at 92 percent this is not that bad.

I got a squishmallow mcdonald's toy that is themed from the world cup.  There were a lot of nice hospital people at McDonalds. It's not that easy working anywhere, is it guys. No, it's not, and the bronx is rough a lot, isn't it.  But NYC is cool and hopefully we will get through this bad presidency. 2.5 years left. ouch, that is a long time.

Do people like my review? Not that many people have seen it. I think it is good. It is just weird because the book is so good and heartwarming. Like it does have a surprising quality and yet the kirkus people said "underwhelming." I mean I guess maybe that is similar to saying the donut novel plot meanders.

So anyway, that was mostly a good experience and it was funny how they imitated my style in the review. I mean that is really funny.

Well have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. I just paid some bills. I think I should walk to Mcdonalds or something soon.  I feel yesterday's walk. I just need to walk walk walk every day. It will be okay.

Later I am going to a presentation. I hope the Kirkus people are not mad at me. .I think they are my friends.  But I might have overdone it with my last email.

I feel better from sleeping. I had a dream that was interesting. Today I need to clean my apartment some.  

I guess just recover from the last review. I think part of the feeling yesterday is when no facebook friends except one hit like. So I think that is from the conspiracy.  So I think I need to remember that all the conspiracy stuff is real.

That was so sweet yesterday when I said hit me and then the result was so sweet and did not torture me.

I think I am going to make some coffee right now instead of walking to McDonalds. But then I will probably walk there. I mean I feel how I could walk to go get coffee. But I just think I am going to drink some here now as a morning routine.

I am thankful that my mom helped me with those bills. She said she felt it was reasonable and it was reasonable. I really do have business expenses.  The website, lawyer, etc.  I have to register a few books as copyright. I think definitely library book, the imaginary mice, I mean honestly that could be all.

Gice my mice parents are so sweet. I mean all the mice ever, all the mice characters, and I have some mice and rabbits and groundhogs myself. I mean that is sweet, isn't it.

Gice the angst last night, that was rough but I am okay. It could have been worse but it did bother me, kind of suddenly, and then it was better and I fell asleep. But they did that on purpose.

Gice why did Dr. Talreja do that with the notes? I do not know.

 Hello everyone, it is 7:38 on Wednesday. Wow, the weather outside is amazing. I walked from place to place in New York City and the people were so nice. There were so many people outside walking to the next place. And there were a lot of places with world cup games on. I just feel like we are being blessed and it is really nice. A good mayor, a winning basketball team, and now the cool soccer crowds and games.  And people let me have a seat on the subway. I just don't know why but I think a lot of people do want 45 million blessings. And that is what I am asking for. And safety and health etc.

So that is sweet. I feel better. It was kind of weird how I got depressed earlier .  I do not know why but I just felt like I ruined my kirkus blessing but I made my choice to say what freaked me out was just thinking there is some reason why they can't prescribe my books and no one will tell me.

So anyway that is interesting.  

People have been nice to me. That was weird today when I had instrusive thoughts but I should be allowed to skip a dose in order to show up to my appointment and pay rent too.

So today was a five mile day, maybe 7. I could still go outside later. My gallbladder might act up tonight but hopefully I am just full.  I think part of it is from the rice I ate.

Well, thanks everyone for a good day. I guess I am a children's book writer now, and people said my stories were funny and gave them seizures.  Pretty funny.

Ok have a good day everyone.

 Gice that worldly monk post was good, wasn't it? I mean not the best ever but still pretty interesting.

It is 3:23. Do you gice think I should take my medicine? Tomorrow I go to NCB and then downtown to get my rent check. And I will post my link to the review. It is weird how I feel like sharing the negative reviews, isn't it? Well my therapist said they were good reviews.

Pretty funny. I could cry because of how much I am going to miss the kirkus people. I mean maybe I will have the cash for more reviews some day and it will start to be funny.

There are a lot of writers out there, everyone. Good writers and past minority voices who deserve a whole age and time period.  But still anyone should be able to do well if they want to and work hard. 

Anyway I am doing okay. I wonder what time my appointment is tomorrow.

Gice I am so happy to be a children's book writer. And they have been very generous with words that mean funny.  So maybe that was the thing.  To not say creative but to say funny.  This time they said Wacky like I suggested in one of those blog posts. Pretty funny. I feel like I hurt my donut novel friend when I said they were a weak reader but I just questioned why they didn't see the strong plot but they were referring to the rambling and had to say something.

Anyway I thought of what to say on my post. I am going to say, "Thanks for supporting my comedy, everyone. To be honest, it probably won't improve very much. Here is my probably last kirkus review. If anyone has any problems with it, you can talk to my lawyer, whose name is Tristan R."

 I just feel that if what has happened with my career, times 5, can happen, then there is no reason to think I won't be beaten to death in my neighborhood on any given day.  Or more likely, one of the hospitals.

But maybe the dream I had is telling me something, which is that the good thing already happened, and that was writing the books.  And God did protect that and preserve that and for some reason there is a chicken curse on my paycheck life and relationship status. What is the third thing, is it church?

I mean wow I guess that is on the table, too.  But a lot of people have really been friends with me and they believe what they believe and have their reasons.

I think with that conference in question that my posts might be good for a slide show but maybe no speaker role or attendance. I am going to email steven that.

 Pals, I got my third kirkus review.  I liked it but they were hard on me again.  But their choices of what to highlight were really funny and clever. I mean it is really funny what they did. It was kind of like that with donut novel too.  I don't know what to think about the sparkity bonkins book except that I was mostly happy with it and that was the most positive.  And yet something is wrong because these other two books were better and I know it and I think they know it.  

Weirdly I had a dream right before I checked email for the actual review, and I dreamt that I was in my room in Greenville where I wrote this book, and I had a hardcover small copy with small print, jsut the kind of books I like, and I got a video where they told me I got a star.  And I called my friend Liz Leverton and told her I missed Catherine and then I emailed my teacher named Ellen.

But about that, I feel that Nance and Trinie should also hear about the review if I tell people about it.  But I am not rushing.  I mean maybe I could still send Ellen an email first because she was me thesis advisor.

Anyway I am happy because they treated the book as a children's book. I just think they are thoughtful people who care about how the review can come across and help sell the book. And yet I just think a more positive approach would be appropriate when the authors pay and this is their main professional reading.

I get how it is kind of a compliment to hold it to a standard of classics and then say how it really does fall short.  I mean I can see the value of it. It reminds me of how I felt in English classese in high school, where I did see the elements of major works that were just philosophically off, and I loved being a critic. But I also am aware of the positives of my books that could have been highlighted instead of the worst that can be said. I mean why pay 400 dollars for the worst that can be said.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Monday, June 22 at 6:33 pm. I made an awesome spaghetti casserole and the secret is to add too much cream cheese.  It was yummy.  That is the main thing you do for a good casserole is add sour cream and cream cheese to the noodles and then put the spaghetti sauce over it.  Something else interesting is that I did not have tomato sauce so I used tomato soup and stewed tomatoes.  And it was fine.

I think I found the lawyer of choice for my constructive dismissal case.  I do not want to travel, though.  I mean maybe that is the point is that I can do everything by zoom.  I am just sad because it is going to cost 350 dollars for the consultation.  And you know what, I just absolutely think that it should.  

I had a good meeting with my entertainment lawyer named Tristan last week.  It is just what I needed.  He advised me on something that is kind of hard for me to do. I just can't let go of some of my writing decisions. But I see his point about the particular thing.  I mean it is kind of funny though, because the main thing I was worried about wasn't really the issue.  And then I think there is this other defense I have that is kind of weak but might work if I decide to go against medical orders.

So anyway I feel mostly happy and content.  My new comedy page is doing well.  But I also see how I am goin to run out of videos.  But I can keep making phone videos and maybe do open mics sometime and get a friend to tape me.  And I can tape them too.  But the sound won't be great but what if it is okay.  I mean I don't know.  I still have about ten or fifteen other videos to post.

Wow that last one wasn't my best, was it.  But the jokes were good.  And then the green shirt one is kind of quiet and not that good.  The pink shirt one is pretty good, and the blue shirt. I mean I kind of like my innocent cute jokes best but the zinger sharp up to date extreme material has its value too.

Anyway I have a meeting today at 7.  Did I miss any other meetings? Did I miss my new toastmaster meeting? I am so excited about doing speeches like that. It just formed in my mind the other day, how I had stuff to say, and I signed up and I hope I don't forget it.

I had such a good time at my Mensa discussion today. Wow they were nice and we all said interesting things.  It was funny because I was trying to estimate people's IQ and Rich said he liked hallmark movies and I was like hmm 130. But I think he is the same as me.

 Gice what I mean in my next post is that I feel like I got called out of a certain church ministry role and out into the world and one of the main spiritual elements of that was to not care about what the church thought of me.  And I thought that was just for that time, a couple of years in college, but I think actually it has been accumulating for my whole life and may have a finale.  

And sometimes I feel it, the disapproval, seeing people post their families in reaction to anything I share that involves talent or worldly success.  And maybe I should be patient with it, because they have their calling too.  But what I find weird is when I read the letters of Paul and I am like hmm I am not sure that is the track I am on.  But I am really clicking with the Matthew stuff.  I mean I do not know what it means.  Because I think actually for a while I was an Old Testament friend. 

So anyway I could be wrong but I believe I have been on the right track and it is quite something.  I think I can stick up for myself without being weird and arrogant.  But I know I did what I was supposed to.  And there is something else in addition to the ungodliness aspects that I think are an outer shield of some kind.  There is my general messiness.  I mean it is exxagerated, hard to believe, to the pint of disability, the thoughts, the habits, the health, I mean all of it, as a gross person, it is like God did something literary to max out some kind of messiness and I have to say, dirt. I am like Pig Pen from the Peanuts. I mean I am.  And he was always my favorite one.  so I mean who knows. But it is a thing, I mean why not learn from it.

It is also weird if the liberals are not my "field" or "target," but my home base.  Like my mission is to a different population, but God transfered me to an already mostly legitimate liberal side of the church with a hundred million people involved.  Because I think as it happens, you would kind of expect them to be the constituents of some kind. And maybe people figured out that it isn't them, it is their kids, and I am simply a children's book author. Like I tried to be of service and I had a clear calling and complained a lot.

Well sorry about that, truly I apologize. 

So anyway, I can't believe I woke up at noon. I got a lot of sleep.  That is good, but I thought I would be up at about 8 and go downtown. So now I might wait until tomorrow. What am I going to eat today. Apple Jacks.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. I just went to an online bible study and it was amazing. Maybe the best ever for some reason. Wow I just will be thinking about that story for a while.

Something else was interesting is that I was reading some of the new testament letters and I feel that I match all the descriptions of ungodliness. Like every single adjective applies to me.  I mean it is weird if this is a lifelong path and it is going to culminate in some finale of a wretched appearance.  Haha very funny, my bad videos.  But I mean maybe that is the thing. 

Wow that bible study was amazing. Wow, the parable of the lamps.  The reprobation involved.

So okay. There is something else interesting to me. In my life. Something to ponder. I guess read more.

So anyway.  The facebook page. The financials.  All I can say is God knows. He is aware of the situation and it is just a normal work issue. The fact that my budget is too tight but it is worth it to keep these ads going but I am going to ask my mom for help with several expenses but that doesn't mean it is wrong to finish what I started. 

I mean maybe there can be another wave of liberal and conservative reunion. Like the social justice movement, the hilary campaign, maybe another wave of reconciliation. 

I have to say something else that is totally ridiculous.  When I was a kid, I had an idea that maybe there was a bad earth version of earth where we each had a bad self there, and then, I don't know, either earth was our regular self or a good self.  Well what if that parable means that is true.  A foil for each person. Movies of ourselves as villains in heaven.  Actual channels and news stories from hell.

I mean I am kind of going on a tangent now but anyway it was very powerful. 

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Sunday, June 21. I do not feel like walking right now. I am going to make some coffee instead of walking to the coffee shop. My new facebook page is doing well.  One of the videos has gotten 170 thousand views, really with about 17 thousand "thru-plays." But there are some in between plays in there too that include good jokes.  It is around 30 thousand thru plays for the whole page so far and that is literally like a thousand times the amount of people in the class shows.  Really maybe more like 800 times.  That is really worth it. And I am at 1.8k followers.  I kind of have mixed feelings about some aspects like cost, appearance, etc.  But I think mostly it is good for me to have a video page like that.  I actually am aware of the potential of phone videos. Like the selfie videos.  Am I right though?  Do I need to be doing a different kind of page where I journalism the stuff in my life? I am thinking no, stick with the comedy.

Not many trolls except I was not happy to see a mention of my teacher who I gave credit to in a video.  I literally did last initial and they looked him up and blamed me for some of his humor that is a different topic that I do not do.  I mean am I funneling that to India in a bad way? I think I am okay and just doing my thing. I hope everyone stays safe though. This also goes back to my awareness of destiny and how God ordained for that person to be my very excellent comedy teacher.  And how different we are.

So anyway, my hope is that this will be some good content food for the people who view it all. It is of a certain nature.  There is a juiciness to some of it.  Like me as a disabled, mentally ill person, my gendered appearance choices which could not be more organic and consistent, the christianity, the unboosted jokes, etc. What will be interesting is maybe after this boost if I can tolerate all the unshared stuff. I think it will be fine.

So anyway, my critique group. I did not do well for them this month but I am meeting with Janice today at 3 pm. I am aware too of how I did not give good critique on Jody's book on google docs but there was an issue with my internet for that, I did try about four times and couldn't, and I was also thrown off by her having to redo a lot. So I will try again, that is all I can do. I still have the glasses.

 Hello everyone.  I think I am going to take an inventory of the year so far.  That is kind of rude but honestly I am bored and I do feel like I need to improve my attitude about some stuff.

So okay, I think early on was that book of rhymes and it was supernatural. That was really cool, but are the rhymes that good? I am not sure the meter is even right on some of them.  But anyway, that was a good start, and then the book of three books for that.

Then I also ordered about 200 books and gave those away. That is a few goals completed, one big hospital send, a class set, and some bonus people.  That is good.

Then the trip to Greenville, and I found out I did not have to caregive for my mom's hip surgery.  That went well.

Also, I feel like my mom gave me enough money in the winter.  This summer I do not have enough money but I made my choice to get a lawyer and that was in fact worth it. I did need that and feel better and feel like some things will be resolved just from not writing anything with no regard for anything.

So anyway, the comedy class was another good thing and the jokes were good. I feel like my appearance was not that good in the video but tolerable for my page and adds variety. So that is okay. Also now, a facebook page, compiled patiently from several years of doing the best I can.

Ok now I am kind of drawing a blank.  I transitioned from some phone a friends to other phone a friends, and I continued attending nami groups.  I also had some hospital appointments and feel some community from that.

What else. I gave joke books to delivery drivers and about 30 other people, maybe even forty. I sent a few queries, I attended the children's book conference, I participated in Writing For Your Life and 540.

I kept my PO Box, I reduced my horrible medicine, and I bought three new shirts and two pairs of jeans.

I used my SNAP benefits and was relieved from the grocery store commute problem.

I socialized with three friends in New York, and maybe went downtown a few other times.

What else. Ok, the videos.  I think that is the other major thing.  I started making ai videos and sending them to India, and I am nearing the 200 million mark.  But there is a delay and I am using good self control.  

What about church. I attended online sometimes but just can't tithe. I mean I have kept up a tithing charade despite living off credit cards and charity.  There is something to it, but my facebook pages need to be seen as legitimate christian missions, too, and can't a church help with that? I mean why not, I do not know, and yet I feel that with this conspiracy, it could be appropriate for me to stick to my civilian status.

Ok what else.  I watched the news, and prayed a medium amount. I could have done much better but had some good days.  I saw a few visions but not a lot.  Maybe if we reduce the latuda I will see some good stuff again.

What else.  I passed inspection every week so far and tolerated a lot of missed appointments from the staff person in question.  The power play of a rude gesture of disrespect.  So time to pray for forgiveness again.  Hopefully something will get better soon, and yet it never really does, I am on a downward path and it is not the christian "descent to greatness." It is just me being bullied.

I think that is all from this year. I am forgetting Ravneet! I just miss Ravneet and I am not sure that the secret messages are maintaining our closeness enough. but possibly I kept that official in a good way.

Ok is there anything else. It is midyear. It went by fast.  I liked that post where someone talked about their summer bucket list.  That is a cute idea.  Summer goes by fast.

Ok therapy and taking the shuttle to North Central Bronx. That has gone well.  

Kirkus reviews. That was another thing.  Posts on my jokes page, only mostly okay on normal page.

Watching youtube, mixing it up with the music and food videos, maybe not watching as much this year.

I just can't think of anything else. Well, have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. I am feeling a little bit better and I think that I felt some angst from the numbers slowing down when it is the middle of the night in India.  I mean it just messes with me psychologically and now it is back to normal.  I was thinking at 850 I might stop the ads but actually I believe I will keep the ads running.

Anyway I know I missed a great Mensa party, but to me, the real issue is that I forgot the afternoon online discussion today when ten minutes before, I was planning to log in.  So actually, I had memory lapses three times today, but it was normal stuff every time.  It isn't stuff like not knowing where I am or something.  It is just being forgetful.  I need to accept that as part of my life.

I wish Hilary had won the election in 2016. That was what was needed.  Things were more positive then and would have stayed that way for a while, probably.   There would have been economic problems from too much government, but tech advances probably would have made up for it. But I think some people wanted to be mad and that is what we got. 

Anyway, this is a good prayer window and I have taken advantage of some of it but not perfect. You know what is good sometimes is to pray for other people's praying and prayers. I mean let them get some stuff.

Some people still don't understand that I am disabled.  But I wish I could work.  

Gice I think this year will be the last main effort with the books unless something happens. And then I will keep them available for as long as I can but kind of give up on the project. It was a twenty year thing.  Some work reached people. I had readings and participated in things.  Some jokes reached people.  The fiction didn't really reach a lot of people. I mean maybe it is not too late to send some stories to lesser publications. Some people might be happy to get a story from me. It's just that as a whole, it wasn't inferior.  It was consistently entertaining and absolutely worthy of a place on shelves and in classrooms.

Well, have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, I just took my medicine. I think if I take it in the afternoon a few more times, then I will be back to normal soon with my sleep patterns.

I talked to a new phone a friend a while ago, and now I am going to probably sleep soon. Tomorrow I am not going downtown but possibly Monday I will try out a new walking route.  And yet it puts me at risk of spending money.  So hmm I do not know what to do about that.

Today I read through a few thin books.  I still have some reading issues. I actually wonder if a lot of us do because of online habits.

I was thinking about watching the Batman and Robin movie because I saw an ad online. I mean who knows, maybe that is how they manipulate people.  They said it was the 29th anniversary. I mean who celerbates a 29 year anniversary.  Probably they automated some ads to try to sell rentals somehow online.

Anyway I am kind of getting sick of my page that I started and my own personae.  But possibly it is just from some facebooking snafus.

I wonder if I should chatgpt some health stuff like temporal lobe epilepsy.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. I made an unexpected decision to only go for the Indian audience with the stand-up page. I mean that is different than I intended, but I actually think it is some transparency that is good to have for the other pages. And weirdly, the numbers are higher than I thought. The boosted video view posts are going to be in the range of the ai blobs posts. I mean that is pretty amazing.  

I could still boost to america and maybe reach about 9000 people with a normal boost, and get a third of that for whole "thru-plays." I mean that is more than at a comedy club. So maybe I will do that but for now, this is all I can do. I think it is working out well.  And I will do some more poems and jokes on my jokes page. I really need a budget for it.  I mean what am I supposed to do. 

Anyway, I feel like taking a third walk but am going to wait until later to do that. I think I will try to go to the Mensa discussion at 2 pm. 

I just think possibly I was not patient enough with the USA ad, but now I made my decision and I think I will be happy with it.

I feel kind of bored sometimes but am glad for the safety and rations. But honestly sometimes I have a feeling of things getting worse in some ways. I think some of it is on purpose from mental health people. And I need to stay immune in some ways and pray for all populations.  They are trying to repel me from some groups. I feel sorry for them.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. I started my new comedy page. I was not expecting to get it done so fast.  It is rolling along and I am boosting some posts. I will see how it goes.  I actually think my selfie phone videos might end up doing better.  But might as well have some stand up mic stand videos too. Right now I am boosting my favorite one about april fools.  Possibly there will be some trolls. But I mean that is kind of their problem.  

I think it is the conspiracy that I have no american career. But some friends said that they perceive me as a normal writer.  So I will try to stay positive. I just feel like there are no book sales. 

I really miss my girlfriend.  I got a message from her earlier but I don't know what it means. I just feel like this week I have not understood the messages very well or communicated at all for a while.

And then the zeroes on book sales are starting to really get to me.  But I think part of that is because I think I have finished the give away list and maybe I haven't.  Maybe a few addresses would be good. I mean I could do that later today. I am thinking around three oclock.  I have a few library books left, and a few joke books, and pinnacle of human folly. Maybe that is what I will do next week.

This past week I walked about 23 miles total.  That is the correct amount and I will try to do that every week.  I have a walking buddy on the phone and can text photos.  So that is good.

I actually have some new phone buddies that contacted me themselves. So that is nice and a relief.

I just do feel depressed sometimes like there is no horizon of things getting better, just decline and hopefully no bullying but probably it will get a little worse.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is 8:44 on Saturday. I think I will walk to Starbucks soon. I just uploaded some more videos and am almost done starting my stand up jokes page.  I think unexpectedly I will boost to India mostly instead of the United States. I don't feel that it is urgent, and I might be better off printing some poems on memes soon to add to my poems and jokes page. And then do another memes book as well.

The volume is kind of low on some of the videos, and I think that was the choice of the people who did the class.  I kind of don't appreciate it, but people can turn up the volume if they need to.

I closed my eyes some in the videos but it is okay. Not all of them are like that.  Interestingly, I think that finally my poem reading videos will find an audience, and who knows, maybe that will be what it is all about on this page. That is kind of weird in a way.

I am also going to do phone selfie videos.  I think some of that is funnier.  But honestly I expect it all to blend as just part of normal internet content.  I simply am not going to waste my life and work.  It will reach some people even if they don't understand everything.  The captions don't match either, which I don't appreciate, but I will get over it.  It will be part of making it not matter so much that i can't tolerate it.

So now the missing component is the financials. Hopefully I will figure something out. I think I am going to boost the new york t shirt video to get page views. Or a poems video.  I don't need a lot of page follows, just some is recommended. Hmm, actually, I could do a meme for that.  Instead of a video. Like I could take that pink meme or a groundhog meme or something.  Hmm I just am not sure that is that honest, like possibly I should go ahead and do a video.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. Today is Juneteenth.  I am having a nice day. I need to take my medicine soon. I forgot about it and took a walk but that was good and I had a good lunch. I hurt my back gum a little bit from eating apple jacks too fast but it is okay.

I got some good emails today and talked to my lawyer about my book questions.  I still have some of my retainer and am going to use it for extra copyright registration.  The lawyer, named Tristan, answered like twenty questions.  I think that is amazing!! I sent him a cartoon that probably was copied from one of my jokes. Hmm I might post it here. Hmm I don't know if I should.  Wow I do not know. I might let it be for now.

So anyway I am doing okay and just need to keep walking and use my time in a productive way.  I sent a query today to an agent and felt good about it.  It is different than my other queries because it was for my joke book.  I really think my joke book could sell a lot. I mean I already just give it to as many people as possible.  The only limit is what I can afford.

Ok I am posting the joke and the cartoon.  My joke from three years ago, and the cartoon that could be related.  I am not going to shark anyone but I will post both things here on my blog:

I think their cartoon is funnier than my joke and yet it does seem reminiscent, doesn't it.  Well I am not going after anyone, and honestly I do hesitate to post this, except that I find it to be good material for this blog, and maybe this is when I do stick up for myself a little bit, and not really question the copying as much as I question being ignored to the point that all of my jokes are just sitting out there to be copied for three or five or ten years, meanwhile I have no income except small checks that make people hate me.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is 2:30 am.  It is time to start working on inspection.  I threw away one trash bag and a pizza box a few hours ago.  Now I will make a list of what is left:  put clothes in cart, do dishes, clear and clean counter, put away remaining groceries, throw away some stuff from fridge, clear table, sweep, mop, make bed.  

That is not that much.  I will take medicine at 12:30, after inspection.  That is about when I took it today.  So I am on the right track.

I also need to clear off the chair with all the junk on it.  So that is about ten small chores.  I can do that at 11 am.  But I will probably do that at 8 am.

I prayed for forgiveness for people but I feel I am still at risk for anger problems.  But at least I got the prayers in.  There are just so many problems out there and people mistreating others.

I think something triggered me recently but I don't know what it is. It could be left over from last week.

I think I should google stuff and use AI more. I think it would be interesting to me.

Anyway I do feel like sending out 300 million valentines that say I don't respect you.

Well, have a good day everyone.

 Hi everyone, this is Refried. It is Thursday, June 18. I walked two miles and bought some more ground coffee because I ran out a while ago and was using some espresso that was not normal.  A few minutes ago, I took my medicine, so I am caught up on that and should not be tortured by housing staff. 

My video got plenty of views. So far I think the most popular one was when I had that dark blue shirt on and did the april fools jokes. I think this time it is just too bad that I closed my eyes for the last half.  But it is okay. That is the only video like that out of five.  And sometimes it wasn't that my eyes were closed, I was just looking down.

So anyway, it was another good experience. I am signed up for a trauma comedy class in July and August, and a children's book conference.  I need my mom to make a deposit for that but I don't know if she will be able to very soon.

Possibly I should revisit the pink shirt video.  And see how it compares. I just think some of the jokes weren't as funny in that video.  And yet I myself was a little bit funnier.  So that is interesting, live and learn.  My new videos are pretty funny, and maybe that format is just as good.  The selfie format.

Have I eaten lunch today? I might eat some apple jacks and then take a nap. This morning I had interesting dreams and woke up feeling okay.

I wonder if maybe this excitement will wear off and then I am reminded of the books just sitting there on amazon. What does it all mean, I do not know.

Well, have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is June 18. I just talked to my mom.  Her knee is bothering her and she is using the walker instead of the cane.  The doctor thinks her knee is hurting because of compensating from the hip.  Hopefully she will feel better soon. I mean maybe even in a day from resting it.

She was proud of me for doing the comedy show.  I did have a joke about her but that is normal for comedians to do that.  You just kind of have to, more so than even being a nonfiction writer or doing memoir and essays. So I think it is okay.

About a hundred people watched my whole comedy video.  That is really good and is rewarding on facebook. So I am thankful for the facebooking that I still have. But I miss my friends and life woudl be different if I saw their posts more often and heard from them more, too.  But I got about 60 likes on that photo and 42 likes on the video. And probably some people don't click like until they know what content is. I do not know if I will be judged for any of it.  I feel okay about all the jokes.  Some didn't hit that well and get a huge laugh but mostly it was a good audience that laughed plenty. But that is an interesting thing in comedy is that you really can't totally predict the audience.  I think this audience felt a little sorry for me and could see my disability.  But I think they did like me and my jokes, too.  Several people said so after the show, and I don't usually get that.

I think also even though I am not sure I got my outfit right and I am not looking very good, this is all more experience and I learn something new each time.  But I also think that my disability limits me and I can't control the performance perfectly because of the memory challenge. Like it is really freaking hard for me to remember the jokes, and you can see me stumble a little bit sometimes.  And that is all while not nailing the mood and style and eye contact, etc.  But I think it could improve with practice.

I hope I can sign up for that next class. I think I might need to pay the deposit and then get the rest of it. My finances just aren't great right now.

 Gice honestly this was not that easy of a day, waiting two hours for that video to download, then two twenty minutes again to upload, then the nonideal facebook boost, and facebook manipulating me to format things in ways that benefit them.  I need to not be swayed by the numbers.  My friends who watched the video do like it. And I am not boosting it to strangers.  I can see the plan, to do individual joke clips for what I know is perfectly original and memorable, and I will send that around sometime. I mean when, I do not know.  The urgency I feel is kind of because of computer files.  

So I am thinking save a bunch of clips in the quick time program, and then translate them to reels, put them all on one page, and then boost over time in the fall, probably.  I mean maybe people say, why wait, well there is a reason, and that is financial.

I mean saving the clips could be a project very soon. But I should think, because there are a lot of comedy videos out there now, and do I need to join a frenzy or just be patient and share a little bit here and there as I feel like it. I mean I do not know.  I just really love memes.  Memes are legit.  Possibly I could be one of the bad guys not giving some jokesters their full credit as comedians.

So anyway.  I am tired. I guess watch some youtube and listen to music.  What is tomorrow.  Tomorrow is clean up and maybe use OTC for coffee at Key Food.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is 11:23. I am drinking coffee but it did not brew right so it is questionable but okay. I posted my video earlier and I felt kind of middle of the road about it, like not as enthused as I felt Sunday immediately after the show.  But the people who watched it liked it and got the jokes, and there is nothing I really feel ashamed of about it. I mean I don't like that I start closing my eyes too much in the second half, but it is only four minutes,  And I am okay with the rocking even though I kind of look a little too much like I am dancing.  But it's not that bad and I think it is an okay amount that I stop sometimes and stand still.  And then the rushed, stress feeling, I think no one really notices that much because of the variety on facebook, and because of the sound being off for some people.  

I am okay with the captions and think the jokes still come through.  Basically it is a video of me doing actual stand up comedy and I am happy with that.  I think I am not going to send it around with a boost but I might harvest all the videos sometime and take the jokes out.  I think that would give me about 40-50 usuable clips and I could do them as reels and put them on a separate page with some other selfie videos and boost them sometime.  I mean maybe shoot for the fall on that, or consult with the teacher of the trauma class which I will hopefully take soon.  I need to ask my mom tomorrow.

Anyway, appearance.  It is just a huge shirt and I think I look kind of larger than I had to in the video, but really it is a real thing that I am over-overweight.  But the reasons for that are psych meds and abuse, and I will do the best I can.  I mean things will go how they go.  I think I will try to do some walks downtown.

Also- profile views.  It is okay. I am just mostly okay and consistent throughout the six videos that I have. I just really think it is okay and other people are other people and I am me for certain reasons.  And I did keep in shape for the first 20 years of adulthood.  And then seven in new york until the bad people ruined it. I mean how bad.  God will say how he feels about it someday. To me it seems that with my particular case, he always thinks it is best to let the damages accrue.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. I got my comedy video back and it is good. It is a keeper.  I will probably share it on facebook soon, though I might wait some hours or a day until I fully have thought about it more.  I think there are some delivery issues that could be better. At least I can see it for myself.  I just think some of it is an ability issue where I really might not be able to do better unless i am performing more often.  I checked out a lot of other comedy sites and saw a few possible paths that don't seem just right.  But it helps me see I am on a good path already.

My therapist gave me a link that I think could work out but I need to ask my mom to help me take the class. I hope she says okay because it is a cool trauma class.

The video is one fifth downloaded after twenty minutes.  Man it will be hard to be patient. I think my internet is normal instead of slow starting tomorrow so I could try again if I am not able to be patient enough today. I mean honestly it could be impossible.

Has anyone else seen my video? What do you gice think? I think it is pretty good but I am not a superstar. I mean I felt a little bit at superstar level but I think I have some things working against me. Mostly my appearance is okay but a little too pudgy. Eyes are closed too much, my teacher has told me that before. But I did look at the audience sometimes.

I think it is okay. I am just disabled. I am a writer. I do the best I can. 

Well, let's see if this blog post will post without disrupting the download.

 Pals, this is Refried. It is Wednesday, June 17. I just ordered some groceries from Instacart.  It is a nice luxury for me but I did save SNAP 30 thousand dollars by delaying my dependence. I unfortunately forgot to order coffee and added it and I think they automatically recharged for fees. But maybe it will be deducted again but it is questionable. 

I will be waiting until about 1 pm and then I will go outside. I ordered a lot of junk food unfortunately but there are a few good meals too.  Like what about 6 things, plus eggs, meat, and cheese.  And I have been eating peanut butter rice which is yummy.  I do not need to be judged but I do understand a little bit.

Well my comedy video is not here and I know Ben did go out of town but it is weird and different than normal. I mean is he preparing me for not getting a good video because really my performance went well.

I could have gone downtown today to get a rent check but I didn't.  Tomorrow I could go but the parade traffic might be bad. But I could go to 86 street in the morning. I mean I do not know.

Last night I had an interesting dream of being in a map place and that was neat and felt supernatural.  Then this morning I had another dream where I went to a thrift store and the lady who worked there was mean to me.

Do people like those jokes from yesterday? I think I have almost enough for a whole new routine. i mean should I do an open mic. I am actually not feeling it, like I am kind of feeling like stick with classes. But I like the New York Comedy Club logo. I mean maybe check out a show from their list and then see how far away I am from that level.

Well, have a good day everyone.

 

Hey everyone, here is my comedy class from May 5 for 6 weeks. It was very fun and I think I have a consistent hobby. To me, this does reach into identity. I will say again that I think some church people tell everyone that their identity is in christ, meanwhile withholding opportunities for some people to express their true nature. It really means a lot to me for childhood ambitions to come true in New York City. I am really thankful and I encourage everyone to find their way to some kind of open mic at some point. It can really change your life and make other problems fade away.

 Hello everyone. This is Refried. I had a great day. I woke up, logged onto a group on Discord, then traveled downtown to go to an autism event.  Unfortunately I got detoured on the way and cursed a little bit incessantly as my cart hit gates forcing me away from the Puerto Rico parade.  But I eventually got to the event in Brooklyn and had a great time.  I gave away about 55 books and it went well.  For a second it seemed like I wasn't going to succeed at giving away the books.

There is a cool person named Sy-aire who is in charge of the autism organization and I feel happy for them. The book giving went mostly pretty well but it was not easy but I will try to attend next year, too.

After that event I took the A train to my comedy show and it was amazing how close the train stop was to the location.  I went to a coffee shop to recharge and then met my class at the venue.  I was not as nervous as sometimes but was nervous for longer.  I obsessed about the show for a week.  But I think I learned the material better than usual. It went really well.  I hope I get a good video. It might not be that good in terms of appearance but I think the joke delivery and laughs were good.  This is my sixth show. That is really cool and if you think about it, I have performed 42 times, because we do our jokes at class, too.  I mean honestly, that is not easy. 

So I think this was a really good weekend and I had memes sharing on facebook, too. It was a high functioning time.  My friend Sharon attended the comedy show and we went to a diner afterwards.  Then the train on the way home was as empty as it has ever been.  Also the Knicks won, and yesterday I went to an online retreat for writing.  I did not do that well but it was still fun and I will try to mail Charissa a book to England.

I mean why not have some blessings and things go well. 

My finances are kind of tight but it is not an emergency.

I got some sleep last night and hopefully I will get more sleep later at about 5 am.

I realized that I should have invited my writers group to the comedy class show but maybe next time. I mean honestly I think the writers group sessions are already a thing. But probably a few of those people would have enjoyed the show. Also what about Mary Catherine who came to that other show. I mean maybe the idea is one person at a time. Also I might have told Dan Frey that I would invite him.  I actually think the thing to invite him to is to do a class himself.  I think that is what I will try to do.

Well, have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Saturday, June 13. I am attending an online writing retreat. It is great. It is on discord. So far I have reread my novel called Poncheesy, written a blog post, updated an important document, rehearsed my comedy routine, and socialized.  I also took a shower and gave myself a haircut. 

So I think I am all set for tomorrow and just need to make sure I get sleep. I mean possibly I will snooze during this session.  

I feel glad about being done with Poncheesy.  My main feeling was that the beginning part of it where I was actually writing a novel wasn't so good that I needed to make the rest of the book be just like it.  So what happened was interesting and kind of funny. And then the groundhogs at the end.

So that is good. I probably won't revisit it.

I think I am just about done with most of my stuff. I think that I should mainly be trying to walk more and get exercise.  But I need to crack the code on when.  Possibly in the morning. I mean what if I do that every day and then take my medicine after that. Hmm I think I might see how that goes.

Ok the other code to crack is whether to order a pizza. Hmm.  I am thinking maybe.  I think I will look at the papa johns menu and see what is available.

 Ok everyone, I got my books ready for the sunday event.  It has some new titles, but I chickened out on second thin books series.  But I added soldier hogs, train light, junkyard, forgiveness flag, and about four or five visuals, more blobs, optic nerve, trio triumphant, and hopping online. I mean why not.  I wish i had a couple of more floopydoos but this is a good assortment too.  I think I will have about 55 books to give. maybe 60 but I am not sure about that.  let's see, 26 plus four, 30 plus 30, I think 60.  That is good.  That is actually not that much for a whole festival.  But it will be fine. Live and learn, plan better next time, participate in the organization. I only ever give away about ten or fifteen at nami things once a year.  So I mean that is just how it worked out.  I think it is a good assortment to give.  And I am left with about 20 of the second thin that I am too shy to share. I mean this is where readers were needed.  A lot of people have professions where they need the people to be there or there is no career and I think that even though writing is not as much like that, it is kind of like that. I mean a lot of stuff is actually like that.

but anyway I think soon i will hear back from the lawyers.  But i am happy that I saw that video today, that was a lot too. It is so sweet.  And funny about how some people talk too much and I am like that. 

So that is kind of comical.  Who will get the next books. I think I will scroll through and see if any vermont people want a book.

I made some popcorn and accidentally used the old butter but it is fine. Well, now what for the rest of the day. I would have done groceries but there are storms scheduled in just a couple of hours. I think possibly I was too afraid of the heat but I did decide to stay in. Maybe I will do the treadmill.

Have a good day everyone.

 Ok everyone, that was my best inspection. Gloria used it to train the new worker and it was fast and I hit the button we hit when it passes.  I actually did clean up a couple of extra areas this time.

The two facebook posts are doing well in India and I am thankful for my audience there even though America is missing.  I just don't understand why people don't want my work to reach America.  

The books can't get to India so that is some of my frustration, because you know what, a lot of it is about the books.  Like I worked in a bookstore and wanted to sell books.

I think I am going to share that video on my facebook page.  from the lawyer. I hope they don't discontinue me.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. Today is June 11, Thursday. It is about 10:10 pm.  At midnight I am going to try to do some cleaning for inspection. Then at 5 am I will try to take my medicine.  Then I will get up at 11 am and clean again.  Then at 12 I will go downstairs and find Karla.  Then at 1 pm I will have a zoom meeting with my friend Kate.   Really, what do I have to do, about one hour of cleaning, a meeting at 12 and a meeting at 1. I can do it. I mean this is the night before. Really I don't have to clean at midnight but I think I will be glad if I clear the table. But I think it also pressures me to throw away stuff I want to keep.

So that is three things. I mean I could do it all at 11,12, 1, and not worry tonight about getting anything done. But I kind of think I should get something done before I sleep.

So okay, mood. I watched some of my comedy videos and I don't have an attention span for the whole thing on any of them.  The one with the blue shirt is by far the best start but really they all have their ups and downs.  So I think I need to just do the best I can Sunday.  Honestly it is not that easy, everyone.  And I am taking books to the park and it is going to be hot outside and then I go to the comedy show. But I have plenty of time.  12-2, then travel to times square area. This is my 6th show. I mean that is great. That is 30 minutes of original material. I mean some people have careers with less than that.

But I actually do have a career because of facebook.  So this is it.  This is a defining event.  But it is just a comedy show.  Just someone talking on a stage. That happens millions of times every year all over the world.  People memorize their lines and speeches.  And I have four minutes of stuff to say.  And I mostly have memorized it.  But I think that is what is bothering me a little bit, is that I feel my disability.  I truly do have a little bit of dementia.  The attention span and memory is impaired.  But I think I can use my piece of paper.  That is the best thing is to update the paper and then rehearse. I mean I could rehearse right now after I finish typing this. I just feel scrambled.  And what about all those facebook posts.  I mean honestly I could send around some old jokes all the time. Not to mention the new jokes, and some art that hasn't been sent around. But I will be honest with you, I think facebook has not maxxed out its opportunity.  I think they should have automated my page and scheduled all my memes to be running and reaching millions of people with some positive content.  And they should have monetized it and paid me abotu ten thousand dollars.  That would still be a deal for them and they would have ads on that.  But they found a way to get content to be ads too.  But still we have a good deal going and I think that they think the religion will stay pure if I am not monetized.  There is some merit to that and yet I think the jokes should really have been monetized.  I mean that is valuable work with education behind it.

Anyway does anyone have any opinions?  The issue now is that I don't have any cash and need to catch up on credit cards and deposits.

 Hello everyone. That was an interesting dream, wasn't it.  I do not know what it really means. Now it is 5:21 and I just made some potatoes.  I do not have much sour cream but I have a little bit. And I had cheese, and actually I am thinking I could use mustard or what if I made a honey mustard drizzle. I think that is what I will do. I mean what if I added barbecue sauce so it is the flavor of those restaurant sauces. I think that is what I will do in just a little while.

It is 5:23. In about an hour it will be storming here. I think we will be okay. i just had a piece of baklava and it was good. I think I am going to use the treadmill this summer.  I really think I will. I know I always say that but I think I will. I am at 205. That could be worse. But getting that next 5-7 pounds down is the main difference.

So anyway, I think I am going to watch some more of my old comedy routines.  All of them went pretty well. I hope this one goes okay.  I am not sure I have rehearsed enough but maybe I will do that also this afternoon. 

Well, that is all for now, have a good day everyone.

 Hey everyone, this is Refried. Can you believe the Knicks won? I can't believe it and feel a miracle feeling from it. Like it is so cool and a blessing on New York. I saw the score early in the game and was like well darn and then later it was 70-87 and then 90-99 and I was like wow they could win and then I check the score and it says 107-106 final and the shot that won was kind of a funny shot that I used to always try to make when I played basketball.  I mean wow it was amazing. I feel so happy from that.

I hope they win in San Antonio. I kind of am confused as to why this was not the championship but I guess I don't know how it works. I mean what do you keep having to prove you are actually better instead of just winning a game? 

Anyway I did my laundry. I also practiced my comedy routine. I think it is fine but the household name joke is an old classic that has been done before but I just feel like it fits with my routine.  But it is weird how I have flaws in every routine. But I think I am still doing pretty well. I think it is okay but I need to not get carried away and think I am pro if I have a few videos that do well. I haven't sent any around yet.  But anyway people are reminding me every day to get a haircut. I will do that soon.

I hope there are no tornadoes tomorrow. Well I just can't believe the knicks won.  I am still a harlem globe trotters fan but this is a very exciting series that warrants a lot of destructive rioting in the streets.

Well, that is all everyone. 

 hello everyone, this is Refried. it is Tuesday, June 9. Today was a busy day. I took my medicine at 5 am, then I slept until 1 pm, then I woke up and took three packages to the post office. It was a long wait and there is something wrong there.  they are trying to refuse service as much as they can and create delays. I did have some trouble getting mail but i know that at least two packages have been sent and received okay.  So I feel okay for now. I feel better after today because they did it to everyone and not just me.

After that I reviewed my comedy routine and then went to my class, with a stop at Le Pain Quotidien for a brunch food.  It was yummy.  Their lemonade is a little bit tart but still good. I think that is the last yummier than usual meal that I can afford until my next deposit and possibly until two weeks after that.  But it is okay. I should finish the oatmeal and grits that I have here. 

Anyway, everyone did well at their comedy routine.  Honestly it is hard to believe how well people do. Like people come in knowing nothing and finish with a totally legit routine.  

I switched out a joke today and I think my routine will be good.  I got good comments and it is recorded and it reminds me of when I did well in poetry school.  But it will still be a challenge to perform okay because of my disability. Both memory and attention are impacting my ability to remember my lines. Like I literally am too bored sometimes.  I can't pay attention to my jokes. But it helped to add a new joke. And it is a really freaking funny joke that I am so proud of.  My teacher is really nice and so is everyone else. It really surprises me when I get mercy from people. But a lot of people have done a lot for me in my life.  It's just that in a context of something like stand up comedy,  I really wasn't expecting the support I have had.

I took a cab to grand central this time but then I had to wait longer for the train.  That might have been to deter me from relying too much on cabs, so next time I will go to Astor place like usual.  It really was not easy but not as rough as probably tomorrow night will be when the knicks hopefully win.

Wow there are so many people who do things that I can't do and don't want to do.  But I have had my share of stuff too but just think of people going to work when they don't want to. It is a lot of people.

Anyway that was a full day.  When I got back to my neighborhood I got some milk and a sandwich at the deli, and some treats from their very extensive treat display. Like baklava, orange cupcakes, and donuts.

I think the Bridge might be escalating me but hopefully I can reverse it.  I just am supposed to be able to miss one dose of medicine.

Ok this reminds me, I did post that meme today which actually is starting to strike me as funny and not just interesting.  So I will send it around soon, maybe at 40 with the jelly beans at 60. I mean literally maybe tonight but I think I will wait until tomorrow morning.  

But yeah it is not that easy to do what I do sometimes but mostly it is not that bad, either. I just felt like that idea was a blessing.  Like it is an obvious idea, just sitting there, and God let me be the one to say it.

Well, that is all, have a good day everyone.

 ok everyone my girlfriend said we might have sold 25,000 copies of my books.  I just don't really believe it because I think there would have been a buzz from it.  Like people would say they read it and loved it.

But I think she is saying to stay hopeful and not complain. It was from a secret message.

I mean I did think we sold some and she got the money.  but it might be more secret than that.  Like possibly The Bridge got money for its constituents and me and Ravneet get nothing.

But to me it seems that I simply have only sold 3000 books.  So maybe they are saying that the next phase is the 25k. I just didn't expect some depression today but I can snap out of it if I think about it.  Just that Anne's beach trip was two weeks and mom and I both didn't know that.  But it makes sense and Elise visited mom and mom had caregivers and was okay on her own.  But she is going stir crazy now and needs to go to the grocery store.

Ok what else.  There are three things: the reminder of the missing national career, the discovery that my sister is not back in town yet in person with my mom, and the fact that my lawsuit idea isn't going to work.  I mean maybe it is better that way anyway.  But it is kind of an interesting idea. Then I was like, maybe me plus a local place, and I don't see it.  So it is another mood drop.  

I can work through these three things.  The fact that my mom is fine, Elise visited her, the book sales are secret, and the lawsuit idea doesn't concern me anyway. I mean it is kind of genius if you think about it and maybe the conspiracy was who thought about it.  Like for no one to defend me and then family members collect the cash for themselves later based on their losses that were doubled from their own hate.

Well, that is an interesting day. I am drinking a sherbet shake and will be okay. There is going to be a storm tonight. I kind of feel like I have been indoors too much but I had stuff to do.

Will I post that book today. I do not know. I think it doesn't matter. But I could be wrong, like it might be good to get it done and available.

 Pals, I was going to say something and got distracted. I was going to say something about the international mission of general christianity and how even the main church doesn't realize that the gospel is in the liberal sections also.  I mean even some of the liberals don't realize how christian they are.  So there is this powerful alternative witness.  I mean it is God being smarter than the debble and his bad people.  People are like, don't ruin the plan, don't give it away, well people should see what has been spent on their belief so that they can be okay and go to heaven.  It is a lot.  

Anyway I had another dream where I was applying for loans and saw the ai markup of what I had entered on other applications, and I called someone to say it was erroneous.  So that is interesting.

Then I woke up thinking about cash money and family and I had a good idea that I think some other people already figured out like wow I am amazed at them but if they figured it out then so did the bad people. Speaking of bad people.

I think what is also interesting about the two main camps in our country, plus the other identities like race, is that when one group has their hands tied, the other group is free in that area.  I mean that is amazing.

Well, have a good day everyone.

 Gice I don’t know why I always say when I pray. I know you are not supposed to. But I always just think people should know that I asked for stuff and then God did it. I literally asked for popularity for people and look what he did. What do we want. Popularity. And we got it!

Yay everyone, just think of our houses in heaven how each others names will be carved in the bricks. It will be great.

But I am sorry I yap about good deeds but that is my participation so maybe other people have something to answer for themself.

 I mean you have to hand it to Jesus Christ on some things because the gay or not gay thing is a theology issue and I always questioned why it was political and the theology was missing from the debate but now what you have is an international discussion and what it is going to come down to is that the atonement is the point, not the gender choices.  So I think you have to see that as one of God's strategies to help all his people and future people.  Like it is a clever outreach plan that also humbles a very high achieving society of technology people and entertainers.  

Also I was thinking about how as much as people became semi famous and public, most of the amazing phenomenons were driven by multitudes of ordinary people using things like Microsoft word, smartphones, and other things that reached everyone.  So people could make a difference while still being anonymous in humble ways.  In fact, it almost becomes a celebrity level show to maintain the every day life of a normal person in our reality show culture.  Also, something funny for me personally is how often I prayed for people's dreams to come true and a lot of people must have wanted media attention.

I mean that is really comical.  But anyway I think liberalism and evangelicalism were both successful movements, and obviously the black showing was good too.  The immigrants also did amazing things, from rich to poor, and doesn't it seem like all of those categories are now being targeted somehow, by each other or by outside oppressors? I mean I do not know, it is kind of weird. I just don't appreciate how everyone was like, this is it, and then stuff happened, and now we are in the ruins, and I kind of got left out.  But I have had my fun time with my pals from India and other countries, and yeah, I am happy with that. I am happy that it was that for me, like that was it and we had a good time.  I did pray for all those people for a long time and I mostly prayed that they would get food. 

So hopefully social media will reach China and everyone will have helped a little bit with the mission work that was engined by many of their people who came here. I mean that is right in a way. 

Anyway some people say don't say it but wow that is some interesting hypocrisy, the thought and speech police, who got proud of certain things, and then party's over. Well, that is all, have a good day everyone.

Pals, what do you think about the video stall right now?  I think it is okay. I think those videos aren't that important. I mean maybe I am even wrong to switch to videos.  But it would be fun to make some new videos. Maybe that is what I should be doing right now.  But I think if I make some videos then I will want to send them around and I can't. 

Does anyone have any opinions about that?  I think I can't get a sponsor and that is why there are missing book sales is so I can maintain housing.  I just think it is wasteful.  I mean I have felt that about the whole strategy up here to keep me disabled. Like I could have been a champion with a salary.  But people are saying no I could not have. That something would cost it all at some point so we had to plan for that.  And they felt like I was tormented and could not make it worse.  But I just feel like you don't waste a writing career over that.  

Anyway, it is starting to be light outside. Maybe I will make a sherbet shake and go sit on that bench.  I guess that is what I will do. 

I want to maybe share this blog on facebook sometime but honestly it doesn't have really good posts that are like I don't know objective, like in that zone of quality that is outside personal yapping.

Well, that is all. I wonder if people have gotten my recent book mailings. I hope so. Are you guys reading this? Have a great summer!