i don't really say well what I am trying to say about the virtue that some people focused on.  I found another mission where I had to be more human in the process.  And it was legitimate and should have had real societal fruit, truly for everyone, with plenty of character and christian witness.  But people blocked utterly any sign of harvest from my life, and unanimously tell me that I am supposed to be displaying these other levels of patience that I think might be highlighted a lot in the letters of paul.  And a lot of people try harder than that and do well.  But that was their mission, not mine. And I don't deserve to be judged by them. And I don't need people to create an illusion, an absolute deception, that my whole life was supposed to be some kind of rigged fake game to demonstrate that stuff, meanwhile with everyone acting like the actual calling that I succeeded at didn't count and never should have.

And maybe the issue now is that I am supposed to be on my path where I care less about what people think and not be affected at all by a disgruntled and fooled audience, but once again, I am questioned for caring about not wasting my life and opportunities. It is all seen as worldly and useless instead of my only platform after church has made their perpetual decision, completely consistent, to waste my gifts to the point of putting me at risk of not even staying alive.  That is what you people do, time and time again, and I knew thirty years ago that it would never change, and I was right about that, wasn't I.  But if I pretend to be a convert, then I can get enough attention to survive the attack from the worse people.