Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Friday, March 7 at 7:34. I should be doing my laundry downstairs. Maybe I will later. Right now I have a live jazz performance on youtube playing. It is about to start. I am not into jazz but I am sure it will be great. Something interesting is that the chapel it is in at Princeton Seminary reminds me of the chapel at Presbyterian College that I went to in high school.  In that concert, the sun reflected off my watch, and my friend and I had fun shining the light on the face of the person performing.  Man, that is hilarious.  In a zoom meeting earlier, the sunlight was making a similar block of light on the wall behind me.  It is as if God is saying that he is not going to make fun of me in heaven.  It matches presbyterian theology, how his wrath does not hit us and his friendly gaze does.

So that is fun.  Sometimes when I see spiritual connections like that I get scared that God is creating a story shield to protect me from very savvy evil enemies.  But I feel pretty safe and just started my new novel. I think I will write it really fast.

Well that is all, I wish I could be at this conference in person, but a hotel swindled me.  So here I am at home. I hope Ravneet is my girlfriend and not a delusion.

Sorry to the people I did not invite to the conference this time. I got scrambled and could not share the link in time.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Friday, March 7. I am about to go to a society meeting.  I think it is okay for me to go even though I am not high functioning as an academic like the other people.  I think the idea is that my writing counts as that.  However I have low book sales and sometimes that really gets me down.  Earlier today I paused an ad because I felt that the numbers were too low.  I know facebook chose the numbers and I could tell they decided to get away with 40 cents a click instead of 30 cents a click.  And I paused the ad.  Maybe I will spend the 60 dollars that I saved on some jokes for other countries.  When I do that it is .00001 cents a view.  It is a different goal but the point is that I know facebook has found it advantageous to themselves for my ads to other links to not work as well.  They want the traffic, the content, the money, etc.

So anyway, I have talked about that before.  Today I filled out paperwork for my new doctor and I am excited but they had my email address wrong and it bothered me today. I got upset and felt bullied by the same politics behind the bullying last year.  But I have calmed down and am giving them the benefit of the doubt. I am glad I found a new possible doctor and I think it could work out well.  But when I got upset I started imagining bad scenarios of wrong medicine, hospitalizations, and cycles of being in a socialist hell hole.  There is such thing as that, even though another threat right now is for all disabled people to suddenly lose their medical care. 

 These things are depressing to me but I was happy to rest today, too.  I have not been eating properly for my stomach conditions but I think I am okay for now.  There are a few other things.  Okay I had a nice talk about scifi with my social worker at mental health program that I stopped by for about 45 minutes.  I think he is an unexpected genius buddy. Like as I try to socialize with other societies, he is a person much like myself, who appreciates clever things, socializes with a variety of people, and has some trauma history that is mixed in with mental life.  So that is sweet. But I do miss Danielle who gives other people attention, and I am like okay can I go on a walk too. But I asked her if she also wants to be friends with my new friend named Melody.  Well what about Ravneet.  Ravneet wants to be best friends with Melody.  What about Ravneet’s other best friends and sister.  Well they want to be friends with me.

So okay. I am cheering up a little.  8 minutes until society.  Writing is so therapeutic, everyone. It just helps you get in a good state of mind where as you figure out what to say, you feel mastery over life and philosophy.  I mean not even just your own life but life.

As I was saying.  I decided to skip a 3:30 support group that I wanted to go to but I would have had to leave early.  I think I should have gone to the one oclock group.  It would have made all the difference.  But now I have more social strength for this one.

I almost said energy but chose the word strength.  And I wonder if in the bible when they say love God with all your strength, they avoided the word energy for a reason, there, too, so as not to get people involved with fru fru deceptions.  Pretty funny that I said that.  There is some cool peaceful meditation out there, though, I have to say.  God has a creative creation with many feelings available for people.

So okay, I am surprised at being on that side of it. Five minutes until the meeting.  I am feeling better for it.  Am I dressed appropriately.  Hmm.  I do not know. Maybe a collared shirt instead of this striped shirt. 

Okay have a good day everyone, ups and downs live and learn, sometimes it is other people’s turn to be popular.

Apartment Inspection March 6

 Hello everyone, this is Refried Bean, writing a blog post in a zoom writing group.  It is 7:25 on Thursday, March 6. I am waiting for inspection at 8 pm. It is for cleaning my apartment.  I think I need to put in just a little more effort and do another round of tidying.  So far I washed some dishes, wiped off counters, cleaned the sink, put up clothes, made the bed, swept, took out two bags of trash, and for some reason, that is all.  I just can't think of anything else to do.  I also feel tired and I don't know why.  It might be that I ate something spicy recently.  I think that is it.  It mades me have lupus symptoms, such as fatigue.  Except I haven't eaten anything that spicy.  Just taco bell food. I mean that can't be it.

I have been seeing mild hallucinations for a day or so. I do not know why. I can't really determine any meaning from it.  It just seems like people and creatures in a realm that overlaps with this one. There was a cockroach kind of monster and I saw an old guy and a few other people.

Well. I think I will try to clear off the table some, just as some extra progress.  My case manager has been nice to me and I should show her that is the approach that works best.

Well have a good night everyone.

Influencers on Squirrel and Rodent Facebook in Heaven

 Ok everyone, I hope you guys are doing okay. I am doing okay and just ate some taco bell food. I was going to get wings but there was an issue with the register and I chose not to torture the employee. It makes me reflect on life and think of the times that I did crack down on people, like if I said no this has to go through.  I can't think of an example but I believe if I ask God to go back and give jackpots and prize packages to people in social circles radiating from those points of incident then there will be quite a few bonus winners with continuing blessings being assigned to relevant contacts.

So anyway I also had another interesting thought just now while scrolling through facebook.  Here it is: I wonder if saints up in heaven have some kind of media, maybe books or maybe something just like facebook, and there are news stories about us when we do right in some way.  Like maybe they care about our grades, and if we are forgiving in an argument, or if we exercise self control sometimes.  And maybe a nice photo of ourselves gets posted in a cool post from sponsors who pray for us.

It could even be animals.  Can you imagine being loved by a koala bear or groundhog and they post you on their facebook page because they admire the way you walked to the grocery store instead of ordering a pizza? I mean that would be so worth it.

That is encouraging for me to think about because I had some feelings of futility and frustration earlier while posting a facebook ad.  It is the same kind of ad I have posted for about 7 years and it is for clicks to my book site and it is always the same, thirty cents a click and no sales.  And I just feel like facebook knows how to cause those results and they chose that.  And meanwhile I don't have an income and another billionaire is about to take away my housing and medical care. And as I try to figure it out and scroll through facebook, I see about a hundred other pages and profiles promoted for free, including an onslaught of Oscar photos when I don't watch the Oscars on purpose.  Where are my friends? I have a thousand friends. Where are their posts. These billionaires are ruining our lives because they are bored. That is all for this post. 

 

more yapping from a mental patient

Basically the idea is that I discovered the richness of liberal christianity but stayed fundamentalist because fundamentalists have rights too.  And persecutors often go after the fundamentalists so they can squelch the "fundamentals," and keep young people from finding out the Jesus died for their sins.  Well I will not be having that and neither will God.  So here we all are with my 89 books and ten years of canceled rejection.  Except some of us have a growing suspicion that I am going to be catapulted to Edgar Alan Poe status, without ever knowing exactly why.  The fact is that I wanted to be an advertiser and young life leader, but didn't get to do either because of a severe attack on my presbyterian family. So what is left to do except write the stupidest poems ever written on this earth, and then turn in my main book to a writing contest against the book of Isaiah.  And frankly I will tell the truth and say that I think I will get third place.  And the second place books will have to be rotated throughout eternity. Argue, don't argue, be a troll, don't be a troll, sue the McDonald's workers who sold me a fish filet sandwich on my lunch breaks, you'll still get credit for being part of the conspiracy.

some better poems than mine: https://www.margaretmackinnon.com/poems

Ram and Dan from City Voices

Hello everyone, today is Saturday, March 1.  I had a nice day today and got a surprise blessing from overlapping conspiracies.  The surprise was that I got to attend a meeting with someone named Melody Moezzi as the speaker.  Melody is the author of Haldol and Hyacinths, which is a memoir of experiencing mental illness as an Iranian-American Muslim.  Wow, it was an amazing presentation and she is a really good person.  She was in the heights of thought and spirituality more than I expected, and I have to say more than me and what I do.  And I have worked pretty hard.  So that is really cool and it did make me have to think about expanding my acceptance of Islam and Muslims.  

I am thankful that I got to ask her a question about Jihad, which has become a source of paranoia for me in recent days. Like I started wondering if people overseas would target my facebook friends at their schools and churches.  And I can see that they probably aren't and it is absurd to blame all our country's problems on another religion.  It's just ridiculous and I can stop the delusions before they get out of control.  So I don't take that for granted. Not everyone gets to ask the exact key person for what to do about things like that.

Anyway I later went to the grocery store and it was kind of good but kind of bad.  Because I just filled up my cart with candy and cookies and cereal.  And really I need some good normal food.  But actually I did get a few frozen meals.  Maybe that is what I will eat for a while, is frozen dinners for the microwave. Thanks Vanessa for being nice to me and being a food friend.

Ok.  What else. Yesterday I ate lunch with an awesome friend from volunteer work in SC.  Marissa Hudson.  She moved to New York and might volunteer with me here too.  That is so exciting and I am happy for New York too.

And here is the last major thing: I found out yesterday that I can't drive any more, and my doctor also said she does not refer me for employment because of my seizure disorder.  She marked "no" on a form, so I think I can still volunteer.  But it is kind of sad to see such an official prognosis.  However I am happy to have an official report like that. The seizures are listed as tonic-clonic generalized: TCG. I thought it was TLE, temporal lobe epilepsy.  I think really it is both, and I did have some mental flickers today and yesterday because of Muslim themes, which sometimes cause me to have mild seizure blips and flaps.

Well, that is all, have a great day everyone, see you at Echo church online tomorrow!