Hello everyone, this is Refried Bean. Today is Monday, March 31. There are signs of people intervening and preventing further torture, but I don't know if I can trust it.  So I am just doing what I can each day.  I self published four books this past week, and they were all AI art books.  And the visuals have some power on my eyes, like a magnetic connection that can exhaust me if I am not careful.  So I am trying to recover. I will take my medicine hopefully at about midnight. I do not know if I will go to my mental health program tomorrow but I might.  It is April Fools Day tomorrow. 

Tonight I got a surprise message from my English Teaching Teacher named Dr. Tracy. Thanks Dr. Tracy!! Man it was fun to talk to her.  I think there are still two things I should tell her, which are the links to youtube videos that I think she might like.

Also tonight I attended an online zoom meeting with my old church, Middlechurch Collegiate.  I am thinking about reattending but I do not know for sure.  There is something I want to tell the main pastor named Jacqui Lewis. I want to tell her that I think it is cool that she is not mentally ill, because she does a lot of complicated loyal relating to diverse church members. I just don't see how any one can do what she has done without going mad.  You will see what I mean if you ever attend middlechurch.  Like even within a service they do social justice stuff to juggle attention, and it is just the most obvious work that I would ever consider to be mad genius.  Like before a crazy guy in a lab I would picture the middle church ministry in a role of insane theology artists.  I am running out of labels and words for it, but it is classic. I mean possibly I should stick with Middlechurch for Judgement Day. Just the complexity of it, the excuse-making for sinners, it's just very closely aligned with my secular participation.

You think you are going to get away with it but you're not

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. I rested for a while and feel better. I am sad because I ran out of AI credits for canva and could not continue working on the hospital book I am trying to create.  All it is is cute creatures in hospital scenes.  I am not sure it is going that well. I am not satisfied so far with most of the quality of the images. I tried three different generators.  I did get a cool stuffed animal scene from bing.  But I think that brings me to four or five usable pictures and I will need about 35.

I also don't know what to do about my mental health program and housing.  I am glad I got a new doctor.  I might ask them what to do.  I am kind of trapped in my mental health program and don't like it. My worker assigned to me makes me feel bad and has indicated that he plans to use the notes to make me look bad and break up my socializing some so I look racist in front of other clients.  The idea is to harm my writer reputation. It is in retaliation for saying I might get APS to help me leave the program.

This all started in January or possibly December.  And I got a new doctor as soon as I knew something was wrong, because I knew I needed to leave the program.  But my housing place is emotionally abusing me if I don't attend, and they will say it is noncompliance.  Most of these people like power and create their own power through mistreatment because they don't have any from doing what they are supposed to.

A New Book, Okay on the names mostly

 Hello everyone, today is Sunday. It is 12:40. I slept late. I had a dream that I was in a restaurant with some people and I had a conversation question about how lard works, like do people cook with it and then use the same bar for soap.  It was pretty clever and comical and much appreciated and I kind of feel proud of it.  Then I was able to successfully complain about how my housing was treating me in a bad way and that was kind of good but I felt thee dead end of it too. I do a lot of striving in my dreams and I am not sure if my sleep is good enough.  

I am feeling some relief of the end being in sight because of heart problems. I will try to tell my sister about it soon so my family can worry less about money.

Gice I published a book yesterday and it turned out really cool. I am happy with it, and happy that it was approved so quickly.  I called it Magic Sheep and feel happy aobut htat but wonder if I should have said Electric sheep and referenced the android story. I think that could have been clever but some people mgiht not see it as a reference. They would see it as copying and my authentic title that is most defensable and what I used to generate the cover issue was magic sheep.

So that is cool.  Maybe someone who writes an opinion book about AI can say electric sheep.

Gice I kin of question my specific thanks and label for Ravneet, but I think I did okay. The issue is the schizophrenia and not knowing if she is really my person. I decided not to say girlfriend. I said person. And I didn't say spouse this time. Though that could have been a good option.

Anyway I hope I hear from her today.  Last night my mood was low because of how I am being emotionally put down again and God is not happy about it.  He's not. I don't know what people are thinking, doing that to someone with religious visions.

Hello everyone, it is about 6:15 on Saturday. I just ate some awesome cheesy rice. That is kind of a surprise because I haven't been doing that well with food prep.

I am seeing a lot of ads for the musical called Shen Yun.  The idea is that is portays some idea of what heaven is like.  I think that sounds great and it is probably a good show.  But wow I have seen too many ads for it.

Today I saw some preaching against Kamala and it was very rude. I did vote for her even though I think some of the failure is from the continual refusal to sincerely work with the other half of the country.  There is just not enough respect for other people's truly held beliefs and practices. Maybe our country will break up. I have seen some ideas about the north joining Canada.  I think it might not be a bad idea.

Anyway I did read some news recently and it found its way into my thoughts.

Weird times. Tomorrow I think I will tell my sister that I have about four years left.

 Hello everyone, I am writing another blog post, because I like blogging and could blog all day. I have something to say to young writers who think it would be cool to have a really long journal someday.  When I was in my twenties, I always thought that would be cool, too have like a thousand pages done, maybe of prayers, or just a journal. And then in 2011 I did write a thousand pages. I published it and it is called "Read This Last."

And it was pretty easy. I just started typing and felt I had to type every single thought I had.  Part of what motivated me was that I had an audience in mind.  So I would say to all writers to be social, participate in writing communities, and you start imagining readers, and this imagined audience inspires you to write.  You will write and write and write.  And reading other books will up your standards as you go.

That is all, I felt like sharing that.  Honestly, I feel like at this point my blog went from a quality blog meant for true reading enjoyment to a true journal where I just say anything on my mind.  And I am kind of sad about that.  Maybe if my other book are successful, someone can find the better posts and salvage a legitimate book selected from the whole thing.  That might not be me because I already published the whole thing.  It is the book called "Mad Blog."

Is anyone reading my books? The books are good. They are worth a read.  

I am cooking rice right now and soon I will add some cheese and honey.  I do not have mustard but it is my own fault because I did have a little jar from christmas but left it out too long.

I am watching a video from Kevin Lee Jacobs.  His videos are awesome and I recommend them highly.

Link to new AI Art Blog

  Hi everyone, it's me, Refried.  

I have been creating images using AI software.  Some of it is kind of creepy, but mostly I think it is really cool.  I put some of the images on a blog.  Here is the link:

  https://refriedbeanblog7.blogspot.com/

I believe I will keep making images and it will be a new habit like blogging.  I just feel a sparse audience but there still are friends hitting like.  About 5-10 per share.  That is small numbers.  But my ads are good numbers except where is the cash? I mean where is it, I don't get it.  

My sister called me today and said she might start a new business.  I hope it goes well.  I kind of got worried because she might need some help from my mom, and I get help from my mom, and our family has limited resources. I think Anne might want to start off national.  Probably there is a conspiracy.

I believe my whole family are torture people. I believe we are in a program that protects us, but it is not as fun as you might think.  However when I see the other programs out there, and their emphasis on refugees from other countries, it's not necessarily something I am eager to participate in. Like it further traumatizes me, whereas the care I have gotten has been really creative and socially commercial in some comforting way that matches my life.  Part of why I got abused at my bookstore job is because they suspected there were people helping me stay alive, and they felt that it implied an accusation towards them.  But really what it did was save me from a real chronic threat to my already attacked life.

I think I am going to feel depressed for a few days while my joke book ad runs.  It is from spiritual impact, and really I am glad that there is some kind of supernatural component.

One of my friends recently pointed out that thinking things are not supernatural is actually a deception.  I mean you think about science and modern life, and that is scary, like the sterile, lifeless facade that is a lie.  Wow how interesting, that could really be explored in literature but it is not going to be me. 

I think it is interesting what is me, like what turned out to be my product, it is just some zippy zappy humor that some people will not approve of and other people find find actual salvation through.  I mean they really could if people don't waste it.

I felt the holy spirit at starbucks so that is nice. I hope I can stay hopeful and motivated.

Candy Haul

 Hello everyone. Today is Wednesday, March 26. I just went to Walgreens to get water.  I have enough room in my cart for two large packages of bottled water.  But I only got one and instead bought a twelve pack of pepsi and thirty dollars worth of candy. Really it's not that much candy: Two packs of peeps, a cadbury eggs, some jelly beans and mike and ikes, and some goobers.

It cost 47 dollars.  Ouch! But definitely what I want to spend money on. 

On my way back, this truck tried to run me over at the crosswalk even though I had the light. And I imagined the newspaper saying someone got dragged on the street to death, and I knew they would ignore my real name and insist on using my old name.  And I was stewing a little bit and then I heard someone shout my real name loudly.  I think it was Jahnazia.  She was walking with Benny. It was great to see both her and Benny.  And then oddly James held the door for me when I got back to the building.  James gets mad at me sometimes so I don't know what the occasion was.  I just don't answer my door at 3 am because it is not a good habit.  I mean maybe it is, maybe I am wrong, maybe I should be a 24-7 food extraordinaire.  But to me there should be off hours.

So anyway, then Brian who works in the office was nice enough to me. I think it was because I bought water. But the feeling this morning where the holy spirit receded was disturbing.  It is a sign of being mistreated.  I don't know if anyone cares about noticing those patterns, but to me it was surprising.  The HS likes when people are nice to me and that is why I had a steady flow of it at the hospital last week.  

But I am going to expect some kind of resurrection during times where people are mean and God's presence leaves. I mean I honestly have wondered if it is a simple as the holy spirit doesn't like snakes. But Jesus felt that God left him at the cross and I think that is weirdly how it works.

So anyway I don't know what the mental health people are up to but I am wondering if I get sent to the hospital soon.  Or maybe I can do a PHP. I would love to do a PHP.  Online or in person.  Would my attendance be okay? I do not know.  I only have four years left so I might not be too much of a hog if I chose to participate. Even every year, would that be so greedy? I do not know, but I do think it is greedy to take a hospital bed when the manic episode people need one.

 Hello everyone. Today is Tuesday, March 25. Today was a good food day with a lot of chicken.

I also went downtown to get my rent check.

And I went to my mental health program and had a good time. 

I do not trust my mental health program anymore but I don't feel as tortured as I felt last week by them.

I think maybe God is helping me have impressive stats for Judgement Day, like to end up with over two or three million acts of disrespect towards me.  That is a lot and it is definitely possible if you include the media at my bookstore job, all the hundreds of thousands of social interactions, and things like career financials and most of all, what has been absent.  Wow that is when I hit the hundreds of millions.

Today I received a book in the mail called Holy Fools.  I am learning about saints who were in a category of orthodox foolishness where they were very unusual rejected people.  What I am learning that I didn't expect is that some of them were despised in their day.  That is helpful to me, because in the evangelical tradition growing up, your success as a christian was very social. Like it was about converting people or gathering a small crowd of people who actually already heard the gospel anyway. 

So I learned to pray instead, and that has gone well, except when my portion of the spoils got taken away.  But God did other stuff for me, so I think I should go with that and invest further in praying for people's salvation and forgiveness.  A lot has happened that none of us predicted twenty years ago.  We were all stuck in jobs and stressed, and then suddenly we had an online feed of entertainment and love that lasted almost ten years until the selfish people ruined it.  So that can happen again in some way for other people too.

Women's History Month post

 Hi everyone. I have a lot of awesome women who have helped me or been heroes.  For a while, some of these women were teachers or were managers at my retail job.  A lot of poetry people and some famous poets like nikki Giovanni and lucille Clifton.  Now in new york a lot of women who have helped me are hospital people and therapists. I just love them all.

I also have a girlfriend named Ravneet and she is the best and my favorite.

I also always like Indira ghandi because she was a world leader who was female and it says a lot about her country because America never did that so much.

My therapist named Drena is also famous to me. And a doctor named Hope Cromer who helped me be on the right medicine.

I also like Letitia James.

A female muppet I like is Prairie Dawn.

Also I have a hero who used to work in advertising and her name is Anne Loecher.

Also my patron saint is Dorothy Sayers who wrote british mysteries, and I like Flannery Oconner who is somewhere up there too.

Also I like Sarah from the Bible, Mary, and some other people.

 Ok. The conspiracy is saying that Abdul co-led the group so what about Abdul.  Abdul is awesome, a true intellectual.  Thanks Abdul for being nice to me.  A lot of Nami people have been nice and helped me get through other problems.  Bonnie and Z are also people of the day. Wow that Saturday Write to Heal group was quite something, very amazing, just what I needed and more. 

It's time to get the microwave meal out of the oven and stir it and put it back in for two minutes.

But I think I need to add some stuff to this blog. I am glad I got through a spell worrying about my mental health program again.  I have some paranoia. I do not know why but I do.  It is yucky.  It perceives racial networks persecuting me and plots to accuse me of bad things.  But that stuff kind of has happened to me so that is why I have those problems.

Gice I have a wonderful seizure disorder, some autism, and schizoaffective disorder.  That is great and I am happy with it. 

New York Cares people, do you guys read this blog? I think I should have sent the book link with that email asking if people wanted free poetry books.  I just suddenly took too seriously the rule about outside endeavors.  But how would my friends get a book. It's not that special but it is a cool thing to include friends on during the end of the world.

Well, that is all. I have ups and downs. Isabel said Jeffrey is in jail. I am sad about that because I really did love that guy but I guess I am happy for the other people in jail with him. I hope they get some okay food!

Exciting Things from Sporting Events

 In high school at a football game, my friend Fetzer was the mascot and got trampled by the whole team. He was fine. I wanted to be the mascot but I got to be the mascot in college.

Another exciting thing is that at a UNC basketball game I saw my friend Blake from middle school. She moved away when I was in high school. It was fun to see her and it was a good memory.

Another exciting thing was when I got free snacks at the womens basketball game at USC. They were nice to me and now they are recurring national champs.

Another exciting thing was when I beat level twelve of Mah Jong on my computer, which could be spectated like football but simply isn’t.

Another exciting thing was when my presbyterian church basketball team beat the Lutheran team.

Another time I won a race at day camp.

Once I bowled a 105 score.

Another time I found a lot of free golf balls in a pond.

My cousin Bob was a high jump champion.

My favorite teams for march madness are Maryland, Wisconsin, Xavier, and that is all.

I watched the Green Bay Packers win the super bowl in 2011 or 2012.

My sister won an ice cream bar once at a tennis match.

At special Olympics one year a kid did the prayer and it was so sweet.

I won a stuffed animal at my dad’s company picnic.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried Bean. It is Monday, March 24. It is about 8:30. I recently finished being in a writing group at Nami.  The Columbia University MFA students teach the group and they are awesome. Today I liked what I wrote and the feedback made me happy. It was true, what the person said, named Savannah, and each line could have been its own story.  Maybe I will put it on my poems and stories blog even though it is nonfiction. No I should put it on this blog.

So okay I just microwaved a microwave meal. It is going to be very yummy but I already had good food today so I thought about saving this meal.  But I am going to eat it anyway.

Tomorrow I have to go get my rent check. I do not know if I will go to program first.  I think I will go if I can and attend one group. Then I will go to 86 street.

What do you gice think about my AI art that I posted? I don't know what to think. I think it is something to experience in community so you don't go off the deep end in sci fi land.  Art is very powerful and disturbances to the mind can happen when images have various warped elements.

Danielle from the program zapped me today and I do not think I deserved it. But I think she was showing me something and she knows I did not do bad.

I think that Savannah thought I should have read the last thing I wrote.  But I felt shy and stumped about one line, like did I say the right thing.  Because as I felt better about my mental health program, I also saw a little bit of the writing blessing and how I was identified and preserved.  

So that is all for now, I need to think about how to feel, like upset or not sometimes.

picture from Canva AI

 

picture from Microsoft AI

 

 Ok everyone, my health problem is fading and I am safe in my apartment.  I walked pretty far today and will walk again another time.

I also should work on my novel a little bit. I think I should take it seriously and let it be an interesting work of religion and mental illness. I can do it I can do it.

I tried using the Canva AI tool and created some mice images.  It could be fun to see what cute things I can generate.  I also tried typing in life problems and the images started to seem a little bit racially biased.  And that put me in a bad mood.  That is weird and I hope that I can still use the software without feeling bothered.

I might do some more blog posts.  

Well have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone. This is Refried. Today is Monday, March 24. I feel bad because I wrote on a whiteboard at my mental health program that chicken with apricot glaze was the menu for March 24, because I thought it was tomorrow.  But it was today, so the people thought they were getting chicken with apricot glaze.  But I am sure the food was fine.  But then I tried to go to a Thai restaurant and it was closed.  So now who is not getting chicken with apricot glaze.

Anyway I have a holy spirit feeling right now and it is the same as when I went and visited Weill Cornell hospital.  So I should pray for people.  But I am not sure that it is about getting stuff. But I am praying for financial recovery for people.

So anyway, today I went to my mental health program as soon as they opened and they were nice to me.  I asked to come back for three days a week and said I would forgive the worker who was mean to me.  I think they will still do power plays but I can do similar participation to usual.  

The housing people are nice enough too.  I hope that Karla does not torture me about inspection.  Yara gave me the official list that they use and I think I actually have done better than I realized.

So anyway. It seems that this mental health program is mandatory in some way.  Not officially, but if I don't go I will be tortured and arrested.  So to me that is kind of sad.  But the idea is that I do have professional monitoring of my life and symptoms while I finish these last four years of decline.  And something made them go into some kind of mean mode for the past two weeks.  I do not know why. I just don't understand and to me I was on a path of productivity with working and volunteer work.

But another theory is that we are throwing off the old legal sharks from Barnes and Noble who are still following me.  And basically we made them think I was going back to New York Cares and then we snapped back to Jewish Board while also adding a new doctor who is gender affirming.

 Hello everyone, my girlfriend named Ravneet has been helping me get through this rough weekend. Thanks Ravneet.

Someone is knocking at my door right now, but I am ignoring them.

I have four more hours until I have to take my medicine.

Then I will get up early and go to mental health program.

I hope the mental health people do not torture me but I believe they will.

I am so excited to be "markedly ill" for schizophrenia. It is truly a dream come true.

 

 Gice this church service is impacting my blogging, like I am writing stuff that I don’t feel like sharing. Isn’t that weird? There is power in the evangelical church, as lighthearted as it is.

I feel sorry for the liberals sometimes when they criticize it. I am like, is that all you got, really, is to be mean to the conservatives.  But really a lot of them had a powerful witness in other ways.

So let’s get back to my morning topics.  I went to 7-11 today and it was halfway crowded, and I walked in and said, “hey everyone,” and this lady was so sweet and said, “hi.” She was in line and it was so sweet.

I am doing okay and would like to thank Linda Dalland who is the green power ranger. Also Linda Davis who prayed for me when I was a missing person at Bellevue. She was my newspaper staff friend and she lit candles for me.  Isn’t that sweet? 

Yes it is. I am not going to a hospital today. I was sad that I had to do an extra online visit this week, but I said hello to a nice person.

Tomorrow I have to go to my mental health program and they are going to torture me and I don’t know why. I think it is because of attendance. I don’t appreciate it and might call APS and ask them to help me leave that program.  But I might try to work it out.  Otherwise it seems that a hospitalization is in my future.

I miss my religious visions. I don’t see as much stuff now. It is because I am not participating at Princeton as much, and I am on medicine that blocks some of the sights.

Well that is all for this post. I think that new pastor named Sarah is a good pastor and teaches well with strong supernatural results.

 Hello everyone, I am writing some blog posts but for some reason not posting it.  Which is weird because I just posted some overly personal health stuff.  Isn’t that weird? I am watching my church service and it is about foster families.  So that is interesting.

I go to an evangelical church online in California because that is the church I like. 

I am not saying anything else about it.  Faithful people will do what they are supposed to. There will be a lot of gay evangelicals and we will help repair some of the damage that happened from politics.

This morning I read my book called Stranger Danger. It is an awesome book. I am proud of it and thankful.  It has some psych notes and I was marked down as “markedly ill” for schizophrenia.  That is 5 on a scale of 7.  And it is so accurate, they are right.  It is consistent across multiple measuring tools.  And what about the manic depression.  I do not know what my severity is on that. I think some of my manic psychosis turned into a milder chronic psychosis, which is what I hoped would happen.  So it is already included in the schizophrenia assessment. But I have depression and suicidality that I am treated for, usually very successfully.  I would say maybe my manic depression is less severe, but it was Bipolar I, which is generally by definition, more extreme. And some hospitals said I was the most extreme case they had ever hosted.  

So that is interesting. I use mental illness too much to try to be special but I have missed out on some normal love in life and have to collect it from other social scenes.

 

 Ok everyone, I guess this is my last post until later today. I am feeling more back to normal.  I had a rough day yesterday and today because I have a health concern, and in the background, my mental health program and housing are being mean to me. But it is because of attendance and they are trying to indicate that I will be going to the hospital before there is any kind of manic episode. 

And apparently that is a risk because of the new medicine.  I did not think of that and I am glad I stayed on .5 risperdal because stopping risperdal was the cause of at least four or five manic episodes in my twenties.  So that is interesting.

I guess I should lay down and pray again. I prayed yesterday and it went well.  I definitely have good zones and empty zones with that now.  People say that is normal but I wasn't always like that.  I had a good constant thing going for a long time.

So a new topic is that I might start participating more in gender culture. I think I know the next steps.  

Also I am out of milk and water so I need to go to 7-11 tomorrow morning. 

Well, that is all, have a great day everyone.

Facecrook

 Ok everyone, today is Saturday, March 22. Later I am probably going to play Mah Jong on the computer for a while. I am getting through a rough time.  Hopefully tonight I will be okay and then tomorrow if I do not feel good I am planning to go to Montifiore ER near where I live.  

Last night I watched part of a funny movie and wow it really was funny. I wish I could have watched the whole thing but I just couldn't.  However I believe I will be able to some other time.

Social Media is really trashy junky sometimes when some posts from facebook friends would be nice.  But I see how some of it is cool, but mostly I think facebook went for the cash, and most of their middle management wants to be billionaries on the level of zuckerberg.  And that just isn't fair to all the people who contributed to facebook for free, which is millions of people who just need their friends back.

Like I get that it was special, but normal people supplied most of the content for all those profitable years, and we're really not as indebted to the tech people as the cash flow would indicate. They could just as well pay us for what we did. Maybe some people are on that receiving end, but I'm sure not.  They got my content, my cash, and my career.

 Ok everyone, that was that. I think it is an interesting story, and I think people are in fact setting things up so that they can send me to the hospital at any time.  Possibly they even see it as a reward for switching medications. I really was a trooper but my doctor and mental health people did help me stay on it.  It is Latuda. I think I should be at 40 mg but I think they are going to keep me at 60 for quite a while. The next challenge is to lose weight. I will see if I can walk it off during these next two months.

So okay. Back to normal. Was that blog post okay. I think it was okay.  Something helpful is that the people in my writing group did see it exactly for what it is. Their support was awesome.  When I told friends about the rejected harassment report, they sided with the volunteer organization and said people can't help what their names are.  But that wasn't the point.  And what New York Cares was telling me is that a legal name status is pretty indestructible.  Was that feedback supposed to be a secret? I do not know.

Anyway, this blog is designated as an actual journal and has a private, undisclosed readership.

Let's try to determine if I can be more useful for certain causes. I really think that I should not let people down, but I also think that other people had certain social callings and I don't need to steal from them. Like I only wave certain flags at certain times.  It is similar to staying in your lane, and some of it is like lateral delegation of responsibilities. 

Well, that is all for now. Thanks everyone for helping me get through this rough time which is hopefully just a few more days.

Honestly it is hard to believe

 Ok everyone I wrote about my problems in my writing group and it went well. It is kind of hard to believe  but what happened really is it and wow even I am surprised at the chain of events.  But I am okay for now. Here is what I wrote:

I am having trouble so far this spring, but I think my mental health programs are keeping me safe from mania. But to me it seems mean.

Also this past week at volunteer work, I had to report some bullying. The staff had this habit of always giving me clients names that sound embarrassing, and making me call them out in front of an angry crowd.  I won’t say the names because they are clearly embarrassing.  When I complained, they said I was not respecting those people’s names.  And they banned me from volunteering for three months.

It hurt me a lot but I sought therapy and was okay. But then I started having physical pain of an embarrassing nature.  That is kind of a crazy story. I don’t know who will believe me or understand but I just decided to write about it today.

I think maybe everyone is keeping me safe from mania because they know it is a risk and I am a children’s book author. So they are keeping me from saying anything really bad while in an official capacity. I think I should be patient with that and not treat people like God is mad at them.

Try to be humble and you can be a case study in a textbook for embarrassing health problems

 Hello everyone, today is Saturday, March 22. I am about to go to a Nami writing group. I am so thankful for nami.  These activities I do are my life. The groups, the zooms, the walks to program, the therapy, I am thankful.

It starts in 9 minutes and is called Write To Heal.

I also signed up for an online writing retreat in April.  I hope the payment goes through.

I also just got off a call with 988.  The worker was named Nikila.  Wow she was great to talk to, congrats 988 people.  I think I had a bad status for a while with them while we waited for my medicine to get straightened out.

Right now I have to get my attendance in line at my mental health program.  But I might switch to another program.  I actually have about three other options.  But it is sad because I liked the program I was going to.

The other thing happening right now is something that at the moment I feel okay about which is a health problem that started this week after a stressful event.

Kind of an interesting story but I think I will write about it in my next post. I will write about it in my write to heal group and then post it.  It is such interesting material and would be a good example for med schools to use. 

Man I am having déjà vu, I do not know why, I truly don’t.

So okay everyone have a good day.

5 more years left, almost done

 

Heart problem update, great news for a day like today.

Ravneet you can be my person in heaven if you want to!

 

 There was a message from the conspiracy saying I did something stupid.  I figured out that it was because I posted these posts describing what my mental health and housing programs are doing to me.  Starting up the emotional abuse again so I have to guess what I did wrong.  And I figured out that it is attendance at the mental health program.  And that is because I genuinely thought they were "terminating" me, which is when social workers break up attachments to say goodbye.  I thought this was because I was volunteering and starting a new job program.  So I tapered off as well.

And what people are saying is stupid is to complain about these problems after sending queries to agents for my books and writing.  Well I have to say that they have a point, but in reality, this is my life and how it is going.  And what it is now is raised stakes for the abuse.  In legal terms, it's called "damages."  So now these bad mental health workers didn't just cause me emotional pain, but also contributed to me losing outside opportunities.

So maybe that was stupid of me, or maybe it is always, always the abusers who are stupid.  

The relentless campaign to make me seem racist

 I have a lot of friends. I am 47. I am nice to people and genuinely like most people I meet. I did a lot of volunteer work and community service as well.  One of the main forms of power plays and abuse I have experienced from organizations is their attempts to make me seem like I have various biases that suspiciously align with or disguise their own abuse. The idea is to cause some kind of problem or issue, and then when I stick up for myself, it seems like I am targeting someone because of identity.  I myself am an easy target for that because of my complete lack of rights as a mentally ill person with autism and christianity.

Some of my social contacts and audiences have laid low during these times, but there are a lot of people who have witnessed the shameful mistreatment that I have endured since moving to New York.  A lot of it is from mental health people and political people. I personally have no hope for it to be over until Judgement Day when Christ himself starts a lecture series highlighting the patterns and the people.

But I think there are some advocates who actually think that some kind of exposure and compensation should happen in this life. I have no idea what that would look like or feel like, and to me it seems like the time for that is way over. I am just an abuser collector and my stats are in the hundreds of thousands now.

That is all I will say about it in this post. Some people will say it was for my own good and they were on my side all along.  But somehow I just can't muster any respect for chronic, arrogant, lazy emotional abuse.

I might need help calling APS

 Ok everyone, I think I figured out why the housing program is torturing me again.  It is because I am quitting my mental health program.  But I simply stopped attending.  So to them, they see it as a form of noncompliance. I do not respect that. I have done everything I am supposed to in good faith.

I am trying to navigate mistreatment from Clarence and now Karla.  

I got a new doctor and am scheduled to start the Mosaic job program in April.  Today is March 20. I checked in with Danielle from Jewish Board this week and told her I would not be going to program like normal.  Tomorrow I will try to officially quit.  I am worried that they will say I have to attend.  But there is no mandate from anywhere so I don't know why they are being mean to me, and I especially don't know why I have to guess what it is to do differently. Like why can't they ever just tell me.

Melvin, the peer counselor from the Bridge, followed me to Westchester Square this morning.  So that is kind of creepy. I went to change out my phone company for my cell phone.

Hello everyone. Today is Thursday, March 20.  My case manager made me feel bad and I don't know what I did. I think it is because I mentioned one of the abusers before, whose name is Tamara. I just don't understand why it never stops.  I have already been identified and have social work intervention.  But there is always some overt bullying that tortures my soul and ruins my life. 

But I think I have another housing option soon if the racist network doesn't ruin it.

I think tomorrow is when the torture status will be official and the cops will arrest Allison and Marion.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. I just went to support group. It was okay but I think people are tired in some way.  But support group is still fun, I like it.  I wasn't that helpful sometimes but tried to share ideas. I just feel like people should get some kind of support instead of silence after they say what their issue is.

So anyway, tonight I need to clean my apartment because I have to go somewhere during the day tomorrow and it could take time. I need to be strong and get it done. It is a very hard task to switch my phone out under my sister's new plan at a different company. I will try to go at ten oclock but it will not be easy to make myself get up and go.  But I must get it done.  Maybe it will be one oclock when I go. I should be realistic.

I find myself giving up on this new medicine, like my days of success are over.  They were definitely wasted, like anything I did was reversed and ignored.  And now people will get the failure they were trying to force before.  I think some people are saying, yes, this is how societal abuse works, which is what we are all studying in your life.  Well okay, I hope you learned a lot.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried, just recovering from some sad times. I think I have made some progress in accepting it and am able to just be a person who generally prays instead of participates.

I probably will go to the grocery store later.  

Yesterday I went downtown to a hospital for a new problem.  They said it is okay. 

Soon I might start walking outside again if I am able to. 

Last night I attended a very good talk online.

I can't really read that well anymore and am having trouble reading my own books.

But I am going to try to keep working on my novel. I have written one fiftieth of it so far.

I will revisit the new topic after I talk to my therapist about it.

April Fools Day is right around the corner, everyone

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. Today is Monday. I went to a meeting and got to know some nice people. It was different than usual. Tomorrow I think I don’t have anything scheduled except at night and an optional mental health program in the daytime.

I think I will go to the grocery store and buy some frozen meals.

I have something nice to say which is that I think I am suddenly calming down about IQ.  It has been about four months since I started applying to high IQ societies.  And it was such a rough experience.  I got into two great groups but my highest test score was completely and totally disregarded by all of the groups at that level.  And I took it personally but am realizing that it is because all the groups have rejected the GRE for those years and are sticking to that decision without exception.  I think they are wrong and have sacrificed legitimate members to prove some point that was not worth it.  But my feelings of injustice are fading and I am seeing that my score is still legitimate.  I think that being rejected made me feel like some kind of fraud or some kind of inferior.  But I am still the same and hit the same heights.  And I think my assessment where I mostly didn’t indulge in overinterpreting the score was accurate.  So that is nice, I will look at rankings and consider myself in certain ranges without the membership, which is how most people are. Actually, many people with certain IQs don’t seek affirmation for it, but I had some insults and injuries that were making me need some credit and vindication.  I think I am okay now. I might eventually erase the posts where I complain about the societal mistakes.

Something else interesting about it is how throughout my twenties and thirties I was trying to be a mentally ill genius, like a schizophrenic intellectual and I worked so hard but already had the proof for both the aptitude and diagnosis.  Like it is just a designation on a paper, but I was striving with all my soul to achieve some defining archetype.  So that is weird. But why not, I mean what else would I do when I was bored.

A long time ago, I did not need validation, and I felt sorry for nerds who were too proud of their grades and smartness. Well now I am one of the insecure people, but frankly, life was kind of hard and I needed to get a good grade from someone. It’s not like there were any big paychecks for me from anywhere.

I am waiting to hear back from literary agents, but I think I fumbled it a little bit.  But ten and fifteen years ago I did not fumble it.  And my book called Horizon Cow by itself might be enough to last. I think I could be okay if that is all, and I think I could force it if I got a business loan and bought some free copies for lucky winners.

Ask For Consent Before Pinching Those Who Don't Wear Green

 Hello everyone. Today is March 17, St. Patrick’s Day, and I am currently making brownies.  I am using a small pan so I did two thirds the recipe. But actually it called for two eggs and two tablespoons of water. So I did all the water and only one egg.  That is kind of a boring story, isn’t it.

Well anyway, today I washed some clothes and I had to dry them in my room because a guy was inconsiderate with the dryer.  So then later I took them back and dryed them for ten minutes but it was another guy’s turn. So I am about to take them back again for a third try. It will be fine, I can dry them in my room if I need to.

I might have to move to assisted living soon.  I think I still can take my time though.  But I am starting to not do well with food prep and just now there was a risk of going to the laundry room with brownies in the oven.

Have you guys read my worldly monk recent post?  It is a favorite among the actuals.  I knew it would be if I could remember it, but I did forget it for a few months after I thought of it.  It is about adding a third thing to predestination and free will.  The third thing would be obedience, which is freely doing someone else’s will. So that would be the Son’s role in the Trinity.  Pretty interesting, huh? Thanks, thanks a lot.

Well, that is all. Have a great day everyone, don’t pinch people for not wearing green unless you know them and they consent.

 hello everyone, it is Sunday, March 16. i am doing okay. I feel good and content. The gamer leader texted me and it made me feel better. Thanks a lot, Leon. 

I forgot to do laundry but will try to get it done tomorrow. Really maybe I should do it at 11 tonight because the idea is that I can't get stuff done in the morning.

My mouse mother has decided to work with some new communities soon, along with other imaginary animals.

Probably most laundry places are busy tonight because people are washing their green clothes for tomorrow, March 17.

It is pretty funny because it is a Bellevue memory for me because I thought one of the people there was St. Patrick because he said he didn't believe in astrology. But I was polite and told them my sign.

Pretty funny.

I guess people are starting to lose sleep for their first manic episodes.  We should pray for them and forgive them if they do really inappropriate stuff.  Mental Illness is so rough.  But there are definitely some jokes to be had here and there.

Well, that is all. I really like typing on this blog. Probably I will do a few posts tomorrow, too. 

Sorry gamer pals

 Hello everyone. Today is Sunday, March 16. I tried to go to a games event today and could not find the location. If I had reread the announcement I would have seen it. But there was also a guy near the building who spat at me so that made me impatient to find it.  I think the conspiracy thought I would walk back and try again when I was at the train station and figured out that I had in fact been at the right building.  But I walked too far and I decided to go home. I got my medicine from CVS and took the train back towards my neighborhood.  But I also had to take shuttle busses both ways because the train was skipping my whole borough today.  What bad service from the MTA. We should speak up about what is not acceptable.  It is cheating to skip a whole borough. I do not believe their story about maintenance.

So now I am not a reliable gamer. Sorry pals. Another factor is my medicine which makes me not want to do anything.  And the mental health people are already in denial about it.  It is making me lazy. I will never be successful again.  I am on forced medication and it is not my first choice of medicine. I think I worked harder in my life than to end up like that.

Later I need to remail that package, it is hard to have three problems with it.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. I am starting to win my legal skirmishes so that is good. Yesterday I went to a new psychiatrist and it was great. I was quite a chatterbox but was able to get sleep last night and don’t have to go to a hospital. Although my housing and mental health program are being mean to me because I skipped a dose of medicine Tuesday so I could volunteer Wednesday.  I do not respect that at all.  But the idea is that I can’t miss a single dose of medicine or I will be sent to jail. Nice society everyone, way to go. I hope you are proud of your professions.

So okay.  I am currently skipping a mental health support group because last time the guy played screeching music and told everyone they had to stay on screen.  I don’t know if it was for racism reasons or just about power but wow I won’t be going to a mental health group like that. Too bad because there was a nice person named Gayle who might still be there.  But I think Andre was the guy who was mean and I am not taking a chance. I miss it though, I can feel the loss.

I am feeling sad this morning because I am aware of the waste involved with my particular torture.  And there is a missing career where I was going to be a famous poet and poetry teacher.  And it is just gone.  I think the idea is that now I am a children’s book writer instead.  Sometimes I feel good about that but sometimes the missing stuff hits me.

Will I go to the grocery store today, I don’t know. I need to get laundry detergent, trash bags, and maybe some normal food.  Maybe some frozen meals.  In fact, that is possibly a sign to go to my neighborhood store. Maybe it will go okay.

Well, have a nice day everyone, I will probably post again later.

Subscribers: 99.9, ISPE, Catholiq

 Ok everyone, here is another blog post.  This might be the last one for now and then I will go to my mental health program.  Yesterday before volunteer work, I heard back from another high IQ society that didn’t accept my main test as proof.  So that means all the societies basically rejected my GRE score that is 8 points higher than the old SAT score that did count.  That is fine, but I think that is a poor showing from everyone in front an audience that could have been really impressed by the IQ population as a whole.  But instead the snobbery and elitism is confirmed.  And that is a fact.  I kind of see a case for it having to do with the test itself, and how they all decided long ago that the GRE no longer correlated for about 15 years.  But that happens to be the test that most people took for normal reasons and not repetitively to boost their scores to qualify for something frivolous.  So really it is probably the best measurement, and no one accepted it.  I feel really sad and disappointed about it.  I felt the justice each time I sent the score, a peaceful feeling of vindication, assuming that it would be seen positively, but each time there was an outrageously unfair reply that I had to take one of the other tests. Well I won’t be doing that, I am in dementia zones with my scatterbrain now, and the proof I offered was plenty obvious for a fun hobby association like IQ.  I wasn't going to list names of groups but did.  I also am not applying to the higher ones and I might even tell myself that the consensus was that my score could have qualified me for a much higher group.  I have said before that I don’t think that is necessary or quite as proven.

Some people like taking the tests, so it is easy to them, just take another test. Well I am not trying to join a testing club so the groups I start will be different.  They will be class clown societies and you have to have a test score and a humor designation, whether it is creative work, a job or role, or title. There will be three different groups: 125, 140, 160. Generally that is the difference between facebook memes, mental floss, and the onion, though of course there is always overlap, and that is why many people already disregard all tests as not reflecting properly.  Well I think for many ranges of population, there is something there that has in fact been recorded, and I think my 94-97 consistency might actually be like my tennis habits, where I always played exactly to the level of my opponent and then lost in a tiebreaker.

Plus the documentation from USC

 Hello everyone, I am writing another blog post.  Maybe several today.  So yesterday morning was interesting, because basically I skipped a dose of medicine to be alert for volunteer work, and I am glad I did.  But by the time it started, I was tired from a night of worrying about it.  The reason I worried is because they bullied me last time.  This worker named Georgina was giving out free plates and she kept giving me wrong instructions so the clients thought I wasn’t giving them plates correctly and it became an angry crowd of sorts.  It wasn’t that bad but my team leader didn’t really believe me when I reported it.  But it was so clear.  But weirdly I was glad to see Georgina yesterday.  But they did something else that they used to do a long time ago, which was assign me a name that is embarrassing to say when we called out names in front of everyone.  I knew they did it and the name was Pena.  That is their little game and the clients know it and get a kick out of it.  But I caught it and reported it and when I wrote it up in the project notes, here is what they weren’t expecting: I remembered a specific name, actually two names, from when they used to do it a few years ago.  And one of those names is Dong.  Well I see a pattern, do you?  My story rings a little bit too true, and I believe I could win a legal sexual harassment case over it.  I felt proud of myself last night but told a friend and she felt there was still a case for paranoia.  

Anyway that is interesting, but the other interesting thing is that throughout this whole thing, there was a Catholic church group there and the night before I had a religious vision that I think was a message from Mary.  And I have to say she is so loving and nice and reminds me of the hospital people who have helped me.  So that was a neat surprise. Be a skeptic about it if you want, but it is an interesting thing to have in the background when there are a lot of power plays at a food pantry.

 Hello everyone. Today is Thursday, March 13. Tomorrow I go to a doctors appointment with a new doctor. Yesterday I volunteered at two projects. It was mostly fun but I felt bullied a few times.  Honestly some of the recreations of scenarios similar to what Barnes and Noble did to me are kind of creative.  Like yesterday at the coat drive, the assignment was to stuff coats in bags, but the bags were too small so you simply could not get the right number in.  And the huge coats started piling up on the table. And they just repeat the instructions so it is impossible.  And we had impossible shelving tasks at Barnes and Noble, too.  It was perpetual and there simply wasn’t shelf space for what we were assigned to shelve.  It allows them power to fire you and they keep it that way. And it makes you snivel and fawn at customers because you don’t have job security.  When I changed from full time to part time, that changed, and they did not torture me as much.  Because they didn’t feel trapped by my employment. It was for these reasons that the torture status will probably include my full twelve years there.  But I will be honest, what about the first two and the last two.  What would that be called then, maybe hell.  Really I think that is what it is and maybe God wants me to say that.

 Hello everyone. I am thinking about writing on this blog all day every day. The thing I want to say now is a dog named Precious Longdoggie just cheered me up, and there are some other funny chihuahua videos by someone named Carl George. And it is this cute chihuahua with a voiceover and it is so funny. I also have been seeing pictures of Cheech the Chi and Phoebe the Crestie. Kind of funny because they are kind of random pets. I really like all the pets on facebook and how different it is from the mean politics.

Speaking of current events, there is a smart substack called Noahpinion.  I really learn a lot every time.

Mostly I am not reading substacks. I am just skipping that trend. I guess it is cool that some people get paid but I feel strongly that it is not part of the path I am meant for. I just decided to make a product called books and people can buy them or not.

Let's practice the social skills for today. "Why are you bullying me?" and then "Alex, I have to leave because they are bullying me again." "Oh, hi, corporate volunteer group, nice to meet you. This is a cool project except they bully people." 

 Hello everyone. It is 5 am on Wednesday March 12.  I had a great day yesterday and did about five nice social things.  A doctors appointment, a therapy appointment, an application for something, a group meeting, a friendly zoom visit, and a school presentation with teachers from my old writing school.  I attended and saw about ten pals.

Then I felt so good and decided to not take my medicine so I could be more alert for volunteer work.  I think it was the right decision. I leave to go there in about two hours.

Also in the middle of the night I had a nice religious vision. It was a view of showing someone an ark made out of thin white clouds, but it was the front half of an ark and it was empty. I think it had to do with heaven and how the gospel is free and I am showing how it works just by being people's friend. Also possibly it was a message to me, saying "the animals are free," like my imaginary animals are a gift without cost, despite the fact I just said that I felt believing in purgatory was going to cost me.

Other than that, I don't really know how to interpret it.  It was definitely a more heaven oriented vision.  Sometimes I see stuff that has to do with hell and varmits and stuff like that.

So that is nice, I don't see as many visions as I used to. Partially because of medicine and partially because of reduced church participation.

So here is another issue: I am expecting to be bullied at volunteer work.  Someone bullied me last time.  But weirdly as I write this I am not as worried about it.  Like I should just show up and do the work like usual. That is so weird for the past two hours to be a worry spell.  I mean of course I will be fine and I don't need to rehearse in my mind a bunch of conversations about filing a criminal complaint.

 Hello everyone, I love writing. I could just write on this blog all day every day. But so far I am still doing some other things. But today I stayed inside because I felt mad at my mental health program.  They are terminating me and I already told them I felt it was unethical and I think goodbyes should be like the high school slide shows where everyone then signs each other's year books and they play goodbye songs. Why do social workers think they are above that? 

Anyway I think suddenly being thankful for my health is a good habit to be doing in times like these.  Which I have many times in the past two years thought to myself, wow, I am okay right now and don't have a virus or a health fear. 

Tomorrow I go to my doctor.  Probably he will be nice to me and help me figure out what to do about medicine. The people at housing abused me last year and I had to switch medicines because of it and life has not been the same.  I am about 40 percent less productive and have about 8 mild health problems from the new medicine.  And my respect for the whole mental health field is almost completely gone.  Was that worth it everyone? Did you want a stake in the abuse so you could have access to the TV channel in heaven that shows those staff people getting their perpetual punishments? I think it will be pretty repetitive. Here is where I left something out but I will say it another time.

 Hello everyone, how are you guys doing.  Some of you are legal sharks, aren't you.  It is weird how some of the legal sharks now are probably friendly towards me and some of my old friends got political and hate my guts.  Well some people saw it coming I guess. 

This weekend I sent a query to a possible agent. Hello if you are reading this. 

Did you see that comma I left off in the Barnaby description?

I do not know if I am supposed to find an agent from the Christian Writer's Market.  My subscription to their site doesn't work so I bought the book. I heard back from two agents this year and they were really nice to me.

I should probably have kept the query a secret because of being targeted by hate groups.

Well I think they already did their damage and they now want an audience to troll me in front of.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried.  There were secret messages this weekend saying something was happening that is not a game.  Well I sincerely have no idea what it is, but today I did my taxes. My girlfriend reminded me when I texted with her on my phone notes. She seemed mad for a while too but is okay now.  

So anyway, I am trying to pray better. I used to be just like a real monk, with everything in life being a prompt.  And now I can barely stay with a prayer to form the whole request for various populations.  Today I felt inspired to pray for people linked to some of my computer calendars, and I think I will keep using that as a prompt.  I can use the NAMI schedule or volunteering lists to designate starting points for social connections.  What you do is pick some people and ask God to bless all the people in their lives and communities, and then the people who watched the same stuff on TV as them, and then those people's social circles, and then you have a crowd that you can pray for an inverse crowd from.

Some people really like it when they find out you have prayed for them.  It wasn't necessarily part of their life before and the idea of getting something from God is almost unbelievable to them.  Well I think God sees that and is happy to bless them and have some prayers to base it on.

Anyway that was on my mind today. 

 Hello everyone, today is Monday, March 10. Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment at 12 pm. I do not know what it is for but I am going to talk to him about my psych meds before I go see my new psychiatrist on Friday.

Tonight I wrote a story in a Nami writing workshop and it was fun.  Thanks Savannah and Alexis.  

I put the story on my poems and stories blog.  It is pretty funny but I just saw a mistake at the end. However I am not fixing it at this time.

So okay.  I have had some low moods recently.  Some of it is because of facebook.  I always feel better when I have good shares on facebook but one of my ads had kind of low numbers. Well the numbers weren't that bad if I could have just put it out of my mind.  But I decided to cancel the ad.  So now I am rerunning a video ad from last year. I think I feel okay about it. I think the idea is to not care.  The thru play rate is 19 percent.  Usually it is 26 percent but it is less because it is a rerun.  I am hoping it steadies out at 20 percent. Then I will ignore it, like literally not even keep up if there are trolls. I think one issue though is the fact that I did not post a link to the books on the video. But people can google it if they want to read it.  All I know is that I would have bought some books from ads like that and have bought many books from new authors.

I need to get back in the state of mind where I remember that my writing life is blessed. I know it is so I should trust God about the public results.  However I think I am being mistreated by layers of people.  There are a few bullies that get their way, and then other categories of people are swayed in various negative ways.  One experience now is the pattern of explaining my name to people. In a way, it is the perfect suffering to put behind books for kids.  But in another way, innocent people join in a bullying campaign that has now been going on for fifteen years.  

Analyzing it could become a bad habit like the writing that took over my blog after the pandemic.  

Well, that is all, I think I will write another post after this one.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Friday, March 7 at 7:34. I should be doing my laundry downstairs. Maybe I will later. Right now I have a live jazz performance on youtube playing. It is about to start. I am not into jazz but I am sure it will be great. Something interesting is that the chapel it is in at Princeton Seminary reminds me of the chapel at Presbyterian College that I went to in high school.  In that concert, the sun reflected off my watch, and my friend and I had fun shining the light on the face of the person performing.  Man, that is hilarious.  In a zoom meeting earlier, the sunlight was making a similar block of light on the wall behind me.  It is as if God is saying that he is not going to make fun of me in heaven.  It matches presbyterian theology, how his wrath does not hit us and his friendly gaze does.

So that is fun.  Sometimes when I see spiritual connections like that I get scared that God is creating a story shield to protect me from very savvy evil enemies.  But I feel pretty safe and just started my new novel. I think I will write it really fast.

Well that is all, I wish I could be at this conference in person, but a hotel swindled me.  So here I am at home. I hope Ravneet is my girlfriend and not a delusion.

Sorry to the people I did not invite to the conference this time. I got scrambled and could not share the link in time.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Friday, March 7. I am about to go to a society meeting.  I think it is okay for me to go even though I am not high functioning as an academic like the other people.  I think the idea is that my writing counts as that.  However I have low book sales and sometimes that really gets me down.  Earlier today I paused an ad because I felt that the numbers were too low.  I know facebook chose the numbers and I could tell they decided to get away with 40 cents a click instead of 30 cents a click.  And I paused the ad.  Maybe I will spend the 60 dollars that I saved on some jokes for other countries.  When I do that it is .00001 cents a view.  It is a different goal but the point is that I know facebook has found it advantageous to themselves for my ads to other links to not work as well.  They want the traffic, the content, the money, etc.

So anyway, I have talked about that before.  Today I filled out paperwork for my new doctor and I am excited but they had my email address wrong and it bothered me today. I got upset and felt bullied by the same politics behind the bullying last year.  But I have calmed down and am giving them the benefit of the doubt. I am glad I found a new possible doctor and I think it could work out well.  But when I got upset I started imagining bad scenarios of wrong medicine, hospitalizations, and cycles of being in a socialist hell hole.  There is such thing as that, even though another threat right now is for all disabled people to suddenly lose their medical care. 

 These things are depressing to me but I was happy to rest today, too.  I have not been eating properly for my stomach conditions but I think I am okay for now.  There are a few other things.  Okay I had a nice talk about scifi with my social worker at mental health program that I stopped by for about 45 minutes.  I think he is an unexpected genius buddy. Like as I try to socialize with other societies, he is a person much like myself, who appreciates clever things, socializes with a variety of people, and has some trauma history that is mixed in with mental life.  So that is sweet. But I do miss Danielle who gives other people attention, and I am like okay can I go on a walk too. But I asked her if she also wants to be friends with my new friend named Melody.  Well what about Ravneet.  Ravneet wants to be best friends with Melody.  What about Ravneet’s other best friends and sister.  Well they want to be friends with me.

So okay. I am cheering up a little.  8 minutes until society.  Writing is so therapeutic, everyone. It just helps you get in a good state of mind where as you figure out what to say, you feel mastery over life and philosophy.  I mean not even just your own life but life.

As I was saying.  I decided to skip a 3:30 support group that I wanted to go to but I would have had to leave early.  I think I should have gone to the one oclock group.  It would have made all the difference.  But now I have more social strength for this one.

I almost said energy but chose the word strength.  And I wonder if in the bible when they say love God with all your strength, they avoided the word energy for a reason, there, too, so as not to get people involved with fru fru deceptions.  Pretty funny that I said that.  There is some cool peaceful meditation out there, though, I have to say.  God has a creative creation with many feelings available for people.

So okay, I am surprised at being on that side of it. Five minutes until the meeting.  I am feeling better for it.  Am I dressed appropriately.  Hmm.  I do not know. Maybe a collared shirt instead of this striped shirt. 

Okay have a good day everyone, ups and downs live and learn, sometimes it is other people’s turn to be popular.

Apartment Inspection March 6

 Hello everyone, this is Refried Bean, writing a blog post in a zoom writing group.  It is 7:25 on Thursday, March 6. I am waiting for inspection at 8 pm. It is for cleaning my apartment.  I think I need to put in just a little more effort and do another round of tidying.  So far I washed some dishes, wiped off counters, cleaned the sink, put up clothes, made the bed, swept, took out two bags of trash, and for some reason, that is all.  I just can't think of anything else to do.  I also feel tired and I don't know why.  It might be that I ate something spicy recently.  I think that is it.  It mades me have lupus symptoms, such as fatigue.  Except I haven't eaten anything that spicy.  Just taco bell food. I mean that can't be it.

I have been seeing mild hallucinations for a day or so. I do not know why. I can't really determine any meaning from it.  It just seems like people and creatures in a realm that overlaps with this one. There was a cockroach kind of monster and I saw an old guy and a few other people.

Well. I think I will try to clear off the table some, just as some extra progress.  My case manager has been nice to me and I should show her that is the approach that works best.

Well have a good night everyone.