April Fools Day is right around the corner, everyone

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. Today is Monday. I went to a meeting and got to know some nice people. It was different than usual. Tomorrow I think I don’t have anything scheduled except at night and an optional mental health program in the daytime.

I think I will go to the grocery store and buy some frozen meals.

I have something nice to say which is that I think I am suddenly calming down about IQ.  It has been about four months since I started applying to high IQ societies.  And it was such a rough experience.  I got into two great groups but my highest test score was completely and totally disregarded by all of the groups at that level.  And I took it personally but am realizing that it is because all the groups have rejected the GRE for those years and are sticking to that decision without exception.  I think they are wrong and have sacrificed legitimate members to prove some point that was not worth it.  But my feelings of injustice are fading and I am seeing that my score is still legitimate.  I think that being rejected made me feel like some kind of fraud or some kind of inferior.  But I am still the same and hit the same heights.  And I think my assessment where I mostly didn’t indulge in overinterpreting the score was accurate.  So that is nice, I will look at rankings and consider myself in certain ranges without the membership, which is how most people are. Actually, many people with certain IQs don’t seek affirmation for it, but I had some insults and injuries that were making me need some credit and vindication.  I think I am okay now. I might eventually erase the posts where I complain about the societal mistakes.

Something else interesting about it is how throughout my twenties and thirties I was trying to be a mentally ill genius, like a schizophrenic intellectual and I worked so hard but already had the proof for both the aptitude and diagnosis.  Like it is just a designation on a paper, but I was striving with all my soul to achieve some defining archetype.  So that is weird. But why not, I mean what else would I do when I was bored.

A long time ago, I did not need validation, and I felt sorry for nerds who were too proud of their grades and smartness. Well now I am one of the insecure people, but frankly, life was kind of hard and I needed to get a good grade from someone. It’s not like there were any big paychecks for me from anywhere.

I am waiting to hear back from literary agents, but I think I fumbled it a little bit.  But ten and fifteen years ago I did not fumble it.  And my book called Horizon Cow by itself might be enough to last. I think I could be okay if that is all, and I think I could force it if I got a business loan and bought some free copies for lucky winners.