Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is 10 pm on Sunday, Nov 30. I think tomorrow is December 1. I like the early December days. They have always been some of my favorite days.  I think that is because I had a good childhood and there were fun christmas activities on those days. And in school programs that is when the semester was over and you get grades back.

I felt lonely this thanksgiving. Usually I can prevent that through socializing in some way, cooking, and planning ahead, but I did not do well for the whole weekend.  So that is too bad but I actually was having a good facebook stretch with some good shares and good numbers. And I did cook two or three good foods.

So really I am okay and thankful but I can feel the difference as things get back to normal. There is some kind of relational trauma happening and it is kind of sad and very common.  I feel myself also feeling more normal now and being able to pray for people again.  And I know so many people need it.  But God does help us all a lot and there have been trillions of blessings in this world for many years.

I might be in too many facebook groups and that is why I don't see my friends' posts. I did like seeing their family photos and that made me feel better and not worse. But some loneliness really hit me and lasted longer than I expected.

I want to mail some joke books but I do not know if I can afford it. I might go ahead but I need to figure out what addresses to mail to. 

Well, have a good week, everyone.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. I feel good right now. I texted with my friend Joy, I walked to the grocery store, I got a small pizza instead of a big pizza, and I saw that my new little mice video is well received.  I got some hearts and likes and a wow.  That is what I wanted and I hoped there would still be a little shock value added to the cuteness.  So that is fun and possibly a new hobby.

At the grocery store I got some molasses, worschestershire sauce, bread, potatoes, and jello fluff salad ingredients. I hope I still have a mandarin oranges in the cupboard.  Because I only got one at the store.

I am excited about the forgotten cookies in the oven. I think that in about two hours I can eat them.  I hope that the oven was hot enough before I turned it off.  I set it at 400 but I think I did not wait long enough and I think it is supposed to be 350 so maybe that will work out.

Well, that is all for now, thanks everyone. 

 Hello everyone, I just went to my church online. It was great. I was worried that Jacqui and Amanda were mad at me but they were nice to me. Amanda took a trip on Amtrak and that is so cool. That is how I travel and I want to send a note and see how it was but I don't think I should send too many notes.

I cooked some rice and cheese this morning and that went well. And I just made coffee. I think I am going to make forgotten cookies later. But I might walk to the key food soon to see if they have scrapple.

The list is scrapple, potatoes, bread, worchesterchire sauce, and that is all.

The stats page on my blog seems to not be as high as I thought and I am not sure it is accurate.  But I got about 300 visits to my poems I think.  To me that is a good appreciation for poems. 

I feel shy about sending around the mice video. If I wait too long I won't be enthused enough.

I think I have been staring into my computer too much but I had posts that I was working on so I had to do that a little bit more than usual and I don't feel bad about it.

Well, thanks everyone, I hope you had a good holidays and if you didn't get some relief soon.

 Hi everyone, this is Refried. Today is Saturday, Nov 29. I just went to the grocery store and it was a success.  I think I might try to go again tomorrow but I do not know for sure. I might go to the other store and try to find some scrapple.

I saw my friend Clara at the grocery store and it was nice to see her. I walked far to get there and it was a nice walk. I would have tried to get more stuff but it is not easy to get to a register and succeed at grocery shopping.

At the grocery store, I got some egg nog, pudding, and flan, and that will be nice. I still have some pudding from other trips.  I think I can make a corn casserole now because I have eggs and sour cream.

Next will be a bean dip and potatoes again. I think tomorrow that is what I will try to get from the other store is potatoes.

Also I need to get bread for sandwiches. A sandwich phase will be good. Maybe microwaved with melted cheese. Turkey and cheddar. That will be nice.

So okay, if you are reading this because of the link on facebook, it is nice to meet you. My name is Refried and I write books of easy poems and stories. The books are on amazon and a lot of the jokes are on another facebook page.  And maybe I will keep sharing links to poems and stories. I do not know how that will go but to me a hundred views is awesome.

I think my sister is mad at me so I need to call my mom and see how thanksgiving went. Maybe my sister thought I should have traveled to Greenville. I think my sister doesn't realize how disabled I am.

Well, have a good day everyone.

Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is 6:10 on the Friday after Thanksgiving. I stayed home today and slept a lot because I stayed up all night in order to pass inspection. This evening I made Rice Krispie treats and heated up a can of soup. It was yummy food and I feel like I had a good holiday.

I hope I can walk to the grocery store tomorrow. I think it will be crowded but for some reason, that is when I am able to go.  I need to replenish sour cream, eggs, and milk.  Some chicken and potatoes would also be good.  I will hopefully make a corn casserole soon. 

I watched a video today from Camirra's Kitchen, and it was just incredible. It is neat how different all the cooking videos I watch are. Becky's video was great on Thanksgiving, and Mandy in the Making which I think is from my hometown, and I could not find the christmas snacks person.  I have not watched Preppy Kitchen lately, or Hillbilly kitchen. So maybe I will tune in tonight. Ok I did watch some of Kevin Lee Jacobs. I mean these people are awesome and it is so fun for me and helps motivate me to cook some.

Today, my Christ died for sinners post is at 1.7 million views. I am waiting until it gets to 2 before I end it. I mean possibly, who knows, maybe I will keep it until the end of the schedule. But I do not know. I think the way it worked out is good in my mind, because it calls Jesus "Christ," which is different than a lot of the Jesus loves you posts.  So I feel like it worked out well for it to be a triple booster. The other one is a lesser achieving post, to the point where I wonder if facebook didn't like it, but I like it and kept it running. So I think the totals will be about 4 million from these recent posts, which is a different schedule than normal. I look forward to going back to the shorter bursts, but I also am probably taking a break from it. I mean just to slow it down and maybe not spend much for a while. But that could change if my mom helps me catch up some.

Today I got great news, which is that my original medicaid paperwork did get there after all.  So now they have two paperworks and can see that I tell the truth.

Well, that is nice. I also feel some thoughtfulness, like possibly it was case management to give me a holiday surprise because they know I have delusions at the holidays, or just the cruel reality jolts.

But Ravneet sent me good messages and I am okay. Well, that is all everyone, happy thanksgiving!

 Well hello everyone, did you see my new poem? I do not know when I will share it. I did not mean for it to turn out to be about actual war and peace. It was supposed to be about normal people doing what they are supposed to versus hero hot shots trying to stir up trouble. and then it turned out to be about war and peace. and i think that any middle schooler can read the poem and say, okay, that peaceful behavior is what is being defended during a war. I mean even I can see that. It is obvious. What has been going on in our country, it is just shredded. Maybe it was a spiritual war and a lot of people did well.

I tried to read the bible today and wasn't able to but did well with that one passage that Wendy sent me.  And it is weird because I saw how that spurgeon add on was so imposed. I mean it was, he just wanted to celebrate the thing he was good at. 

I do that too sometimes but come on, it is the bible.

So anyway, I drank some coffee. Tomorrow I hope to walk to the grocery store but I bet it will be crowded but you never know.

Do you guys like my poem? I think I might have another poem brewing about people who are a peacenik when justice is needed and a warmonger when it means they want to harrass a neighbor. That is what I was trying to get at with this one.  Gice I just don't understand why I had to get all zeroes. I don't understand. But there is a conspiracy and I got messages from Ravneet today.

 hello everyone, it is thursday, nov 27. I feel good about my facebook posts. I am almost to 85 million views if my calculations are correct. I think that is about it for me. I will do some more posts probably but I might try to slow it down. I mean maybe I shouldn't if I am able to afford to keep posting because there are no signs of a dwindling audience. And I realized that the blobs are doing fine. I thought my numbers were lower but that was because I was boosting them at a lower rate. So that is interesting. I did save enough for another whole boost buy doing that. And you know what? I think it is not worth it. I think I should max out the budget every time and do 60 60 60 or even 80 80 80.

I feel good about my investments. I think what was questionable is the accumulations of stuff in the apartment that I later lost.  But it was not my fault but I think maybe there was some waste there.  And yet the clothes are the main thing I salvaged, so possibly some of that waste was counteracted. I wish I took more photos of the apartment when it looked good but I have a few photos.

Do I need to do any phone a friends? I need to send Austen the link to the outdoors thing. I will get to it. I promised a lot of people to send that link and then didn't.  Well I am sorry about that, I will try to do better.

I saw a good poem that had a theme like one of my poems and it triggers me a little.  Partially it confirms that my poems are a good resource, but it is a reminder of some injustice against me that is a real thing some people do not see. I just don't understand, I really don't. I don't see why some people thought this would be a better way, but I understand it a little bit because I did see it also myself, a long time ago.  Possibly I should be glad that other people saw the path as well and did the bold things against me to make it happen. I mean people tortured me, and if that really is a conspiracy then the courage is the same as me going to the snowy vermont campus with joy and success. However it is hard to believe that there is an outcome worth losing the real career for.  Did we not need me exactly, I feel like we did. And I can even believe that there was mass ruin just not without me but because of my absence. i really could.  And yet wouldn't I have been just another Bernie supporter? I mean I do not know.

I do not really need to discuss that again, but it is on my mind because of the book I read part of today and because of that poem and my status as I watch the macy's parade. I hope I have a humor column in heaven. I believe I will and it will be good.

I can feel how this life is meant to be though, and I am safe within it. That is nice and I wonder if anyone isn't safely in the life God has for them. Like is there such thing as being outside of it, I do not know.

This post isn't very good. I indulged in some kind of grumbling and resentment.  But there is such thing as injustice and it did happen to me. 

I felt the holy spirit earlier and I do not know what it was from. Was it from reading the Mad Blog book, or was it from the parade I was watching? I do not know. I do not think it is from the facebook posts but there might be some for that too. I do not know. It was just like a low burn that happens sometime and is a good thing. If it happens now because of the books, that is a good sign.

This blog post is too long but this is just a journal now.

Gice I think that some people chose this other option because they think my work is more worth something and not less. like they think my work is better than I realize. And I don't think it is. I think I had an accurate view of how it should have been appreciated.  But I will say that there could be a service value of it that I might not realize the potential of it, and maybe that is what people are trying to set me up for. And in my soul I might really want people to understand the ugliness of suffering. So when they look at my life, I have said a bunch of wrong things like "life is meaningless." how I never wanted to say that but then did, and other things got slashed and marred, and that happens to people all the time during actual suffering. The way people think they are going to have some beautiful moment of sacrifice but it is a grueling daily agony with things not turning out right.  That reminds me that I have a poem idea. So I will do that now, I was going to write it yesterday and forgot.

Well, have a nice day everyone.

Well everyone, happy thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is not a big deal to me, so I don't feel tortured to miss it.  my first time missing thanksgiving was one of the best holidays of my life, but later on I did wait for it to be over in a sad way.  Today I went to Starbucks. I decided a few years ago that if they were open, I might as well. So I had a good gingerbread latte. Tomorrow I might walk to the grocery store. I mean one walk a day might get me ready for more exercise and then get back to normal.  I think it is possible with this medicine even though it does make me lazier. You really only need a few good hours a day to walk off some weight.

I still think no one really understands what kind of intertia we are dealing with because of my autism imbalances. Like I really am a "mental person" as DG labeled it. I sit around and stare out the window, and a lot of people aren't like that.  Their go to thing is to be moving around. 

But anyway I wonder if thanksgiving can become more of a multi day feast for various combinations of people and not a one day judgement day. I mean who knows, maybe all holidays should be more like that.

Today I am going to try to read some of my writing. I am kind of worried about something I said one time but I think the philosophy of it was positive.  I am not going to say what it is because people will bother me about it with ignorance. I have lost faith in readers some, like the general public, since my work was not enthusiastically accepted, I kind of question if people have the capacity for it. I really don't find it rewarding to have a whole society fall through the trap doors on judgement day. Like that was not what I was trying for. It was actually quite the opposite, and I am sad about the losses that still to me make no sense.  Anyway, I guess I am not the only one on that, but that does not make it right. 

Well, have a good day everyone, I will see if there are any reruns of the parade on youtube.

 Hello everyone, it is Wednesday, Nov 26. I talked on the phone to my friend named Wendy. It was a great phone call and I felt comfort and a happy holidays. So that is unexpected. It really made a difference to me. Weirdly, Wendy was bit by a snake two weeks ago. I can't believe that. She miracuously is okay.

I watched part of an Oprah video that helped me pray for people. It said that one third of Americans are estranged from a family member. Wow, that is crazy. 

Probably tonight I will go to sleep late and wake up late on Thanksgiving. I think I will feel fine but wish I had some better food to cook, like some gravy or something. But it is okay. 

Is everyone okay after that post I did last week? It was a doozy but I feel that it was good progress in my recovery. I mean maybe people know something I don't about my writing. Maybe some of it is reaching people. But to me it seems like it isn't.

It is kind of warm in my apartment. I do not know why. Possibly it is warm outside plus the heat is on. I am getting a caffeine headache too but I am wondering if these headaches are from stress. 

Well I do not know. It was good to watch some videos tonight. I hope everyone out there is doing okay. Probably things will get better soon, or just a storm of shadows will pass and people will get along better again.  Some of it is from social media and the settings could change some day.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Wednesday, Nov 26. I am watching a video on youtube from Becky of Acre Homestead. She is cooking thanksgiving food for thirty people. It is funny because I think they have a product placement and they say stuff like "here is the best knife." pretty funny, I think it is creative, a good ad if that is what it is. They have 888k subscribers. Actually 882k. But I made it a jackpot.

I don't really know how the youtube videos work but I think if I did know then I could get some views for my short videos.

But I do not feel urgent about that.

I might do another link share soon for my escalation article.

I ate some ice cream earlier and it was good. 

I do not feel depressed about thanksgiving but I am not sure I phoned enough friends.

I think I will call a friend named wendy right now.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Wednesday, Nov 26. I just ate some thanksgiving food at my housing program. It was good except for the stuffing.  But yesterday at program, the stuffing was the best I ever ate. It reminded me of scrapple.

It seems like I am blessed and I am thankful for food and safety, but really I am being emotionally abused again.  There is always some of it and sometimes it is severe. I have no idea this time except that I should quit the mental health program in case that is it. I always have to guess what I did wrong, when really there is nothing and I am always acting in good faith to be the best client I can be.

I literally have no idea why they are making me feel bad but it is both programs and the cops. And I expect it from the hospital when I go there Dec 4. 

Maybe I will do some phone a friends later but I do not know for sure.  I thought of an idea for another blob. I thought it would be funny to do that beige and red and black plaid pattern that used to be popular on purses.

 Hello everyone, I did not sleep well. I was thinking about how I got escalated at mental health program. It really bothers me and I think I should stop the program. I think it is about the paperwork that Hannah messed up on purpose. They are in fact making me feel bad on purpose but it is because I don't get my schedule signed, but I have no schedule. I asked for one multiple times and sometimes they give me a blank piece of paper and sometimes there is no one at the desk anyway. 

The thing yesterday that is bothersome is that Angel asked me to come in and talk to him. So I did like normal and told him my problems and he got me to interupt him as if it was me and I left feeling like crap.  But there was thanksgiving food which was cool, so I could say maybe it was a scheme to bless me in that way. But mostly I see the cruelty of another escalation. So I need to maybe take a break. They made me feel bad last time, too and that is too much.  Like I go there, they make me feel bad, and it seems like racism.  But really I don't know what it is. So I will take a break from the program and try to come back in 6 months or so.

I want to call Danielle today and tell her that but the program might have the day off.  So I will try to just be patient.

About the Feb thing.  I do not know if I should sign up. Maybe January is enough. I will think about it.

 Ok everyone, that was rough, wasn't it, but then I felt okay and simply signed up for the conference. I think I will sign up for the february conference also. And do a mom revisit for december.

I also resumed the facebook ads after a pause. I just think I felt a crunch for christmas but things could go okay.

Now I need to take my medicine but I think I will take it at 3 am in thirty minutes. I think tomorrow we have thanksgiving meal here at the bridge. Today at Pros program the staff had to comfort each other after they saw me think about how I didn't like it there.  But that was a shout out to the groups conference people from social work international. 

People have done a lot for me. I hope everyone has enjoyed the conspiracy. 

Gice I don't know if I will sign up for the virtual. One thing I might think is like Nami, where I don't make myself inescapable. So maybe pocket the other amount. I kind of was like okay do both. Is it the facebook that is pressuring the budget? I do not know.

I don't feel any bad powers but have felt some low emotions today. Some depression.  

So I guess now it is time to take my medicine. Well have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. Today is Tuesday, November 25. I had some thanksgiving food and feel thankful. I had a good time but kind of felt bothered before the meal, like I am so unhappy at program and feel a weird boredom and racism that seems on purpose.  But people were nice to me but I always feel like staff is making me feel bad on purpose and using me as a dummy. 

Anyway I called Medicaid and that helped me wait in line for food.

Then I came home and cracked the code on the conference. I really want to go to the virtual conference and only go to the meet and greet for in person. I hope they will let me. It might be too much trouble for them, but I thought it was a good idea and I felt peaceful after figuring that out.

Today I texted my sister but did not hear back just now but hopefully it is okay and she is not mad.

I am thankful for my life and family and our lives are more than just our problems. However wow some of it was lifelong and hard to believe.  

But I think that my books are reaching people, and my family is part of that gift so good for them. 

Gice I will try to pray for people but I am leaning more towards thinking this holiday is in God's hands. I mean in terms of praying for other people, a lot of it is other people living their lives and people make choices sometimes and I can't control everyone by closing my eyes.  Some people are alike hey about time you figured that out, but prayer makes a difference and some people say that is everything.

Anyway have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. For some reason I could not access my blog a few minutes ago but I restarted Safari and it did fine. I got a lot of views from that ad I did and I think I might start sharing stories or something like that. Maybe that will help me not waste all my writing. I mean who knows, maybe that will be enough for me though I don't understand why I can't simply sell some books.  I sold other people's books for twelve years.

Anyway I need to think about this section of my writing life. Do I need to keep trying to sell the books online or should I call it. I mean I do not know. Maybe I will do some videos and maybe I won't.

I was happy that my blog got a thousand views this month. That is more than I thought at first. Some were from yesterday. It said I got 80 views yesterday.  But I do not even remember posting anything yesterday. It is just my normal daily journal.

So anyway I think my mom needs more help and socializing than she has but I can't do anything about it. I mean I guess just keep trying to help her and sometimes something gets through. She did like the present I sent her. I will call her tomorrow on her birthday. I think Anne does okay for her and hopefully that can go on until the end. Maybe I will be more helpful than I realize in some way.

A lot of people have family sufferings right now and the political problems.

So I will just be thankful for what I have and try to get exercise sometimes. I should watch some movies but I do not really know what to watch. I mean maybe Elf or something from the 90s.

Do my blog views mean I have also sold some books? I am trying to figure out if maybe I did sell some but it is a secret.  If that is the case I should do some more ads sometime. 

 Hello everyone, this is Refried.  I just got home from church and ate a calzone. It was great. I actually have to wonder if some prayers from the church helped me because the calzone was so good and then I had a piece of chocolate and a strawberry fruit roll up and it was just really yummy.

So anyway I beat a level or two of royal match and that is good. At church I saw that some conservative comedians are being bullied and I am not happy about it but then I got surprised with a puppet show. So that is great. 

I do not know how much I will be bullied or have been but I think it is going to be a shame at some point and people will be faced with the hypocrisy of it.

Anyway that is enough of that.  I will go on facebook soon. I talked to a friend on the phone and it was great. Hopefully I will start up my phone a friending soon. 

Downtown I went to Wegmans and got a pumpkin pie, a cheese plate, and a thing of fudge. Honestly it was a little bit expensive but worth it to me.

They were selling little turkey dinners for one person and it seemed nice but 17 dollars is about three dollars too much for me on that. I mean maybe even 5 dollars too much. But I see the appeal of it.

I am not eating my cheese plate yet because of the calzone.

Well that was a nice trip downtown. I am going to start going to Piano Piano soon hopefully and composing music.

Have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone. This is Refried. I just wrote a nice blog post but decided to keep it to myself for now.

It is 1:30 Sunday morning and I just drank afternoon coffee. I will try to take my medicine at 2 am.  I probably won't go to sleep until 3.  Then I will try to wake up at 9 and leave for church at 10.

I have had some loneliness and boredom but mostly it is a good thing because I am thankful for my health and safety.  And I have had plenty of socializing this week.  Something interesting every day without even phone a friends.  But I need to catch up with phone a friends soon. I think the medicaid crisis distracted me for a while after the hospital. I might go back to Jewish Board Pros program this week but I do not know.  They were nice to me sometimes and mean to me sometimes because they think that is healthy.  I don't think it is.  I think being nice is healthy.

I read my mad blog book yesterday and was a little disturbed by some of it but couldn't read everything because my attention span can only read half a book.  But that is better than last year when I could not read at all for many months.  Actually that was this year.

So anyway I think I am okay with my medicine and need to not have any symptoms so they won't torture me and raise any doses.

Weirdly I am not able to easily see a doctor but I think if I get on the waiting list I would be seen soon enough.  I think they are still helping me but tonight when I scratched my eye I felt disturbed.

Then I saw a small bug and remembered these other bugs from a week or so ago and I started fearing an infestation. Well I think that won't happen but it gave me the idea of throwing away the giant stuffed bear behind my chair.   I could move my furniture around some and start treadmilling more easily.  So I think I will do that for inspection next week.

Well, that is all. I might post the other post too but I do not know. 

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Saturday, Nov 22. I had a nice time talking to Mensa people. I am glad I went. There are regulars there an I feel that I have at least ten friends.  Tomorrow morning I will try to go to church in person. I slept until 1 pm today and had this dream I kept replaying about helping people with a boat caravan and it was a field trip and I was helping some stragglers catch up.

So anyway I think I should go take a walk but it will be dark soon. I mean should I walk on the treadmill instead? Maybe I will but I do not know for sure.

I boosted some more facebook posts. I think I am going to extend one ad if they let me and let it run for about 7-8 days at 20 dollars a day. I just like it and it is doing well. And I wish I had spent more on it so if they offer an extension I will.

Anyway I think it is time for some food now. What should I eat? Are you guys thinking bacon and eggs again? Or cheesy rice? I don't think I can do corn casserole without more sour cream. I made a good choice to go to discussion group today. Maybe I will make pancakes. Pancakes, eggs, and bacon.

Well have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Friday, Nov 21 at 2:30. I have gotten fourteen things done today. That is really good for mental illness. It's not the same as working, but it is a good productive day. 

Soon it will be time for afternoon coffee.  I just ate lunch and cooked bacon and eggs. Before that was a one hour support group. I did okay. Before that I walked to the post office to mail medicaid paperwork and pick up the lego present for my nieces. Before that I turned in my rent check. Besides that were things like taking a shower, brushing my teeth, and drinking coffee.  

That is very good. I think tonight I will go online to talk to a doctor about my food intolerances.  The doctor I am supposed to see as my PCP did not have any open appointments. I think that is not right, like something is not right about that. But I so far am okay and know what to do and where to go.

I wonder if I will use the treadmill today. Maybe I will.  And maybe read the Mad Blog book. I don't feel like boosting the christmas posts yet but I could.

I feel mostly okay like my problems are under control. I did not go to pros program this week but I think I am done with that.

I hope that I get to visit Ravneet sometime soon.  Yoo hoo, Ravneet.

Today Ravneet helped me know what to do. 

Well have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. I just did laundry and a nice person named Sassy found four of my books and kept them and it makes me so happy. She deserves free books because she was nice with the washer and dryer.  She did not take two dryers like she could have. I was prepared to leave without drying my clothes.  But as it is I have four pairs of pants, 5 skivvies, four long sleeve white t shirts, five short sleeve shirts, and underwear.  So that is good for now, though I usually do two loads.

That got me a head start on inspection and I also threw out one bag of trash.  Next I will make my bed. The floor is mostly clean from last time. So I need to do dishes and the counter but that is easy. I will put the clothes away and clean up the bathroom a little bit. It will be fine. I think after that I will be fine. I think doing paperwork also counts as chores today and Karla knows I am doing the best I can.

Do I need to give more books away? Did people at pros want some more books? I gave them a lot but I guess there are several hundred people. Interestingly some people were really into it. I might have underestimated how much they might be appreciated. 

To me that is why they need to reach people. I don't understand why an ad on facebook wasn't enough for them to sell. I think that needs to be enough and I don't know how to make that happen myself. Like why should I now be okay if I get an agent? I think it already should have been successful.

But anyway I feel better. The conspiracy knows I had a rough time about it yesterday morning.

Anyway my mom got her birthday present and was happy. I think we all should have given her more presents over the years but she really made herself unblessable in many ways. 

So anyway I already had a prophetic dream about that and she was in the yard near the lake surrounded by alligators. So I should have prayed more for them all.

Anyway, that is all for now. I am going to a group tonight which will probably be a small group. I will try not to be selfish. But I also need to finish getting ready for inspection.

Well have a nice day everyone.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Thursday, Nov 20. I just prepared all my medicaid paperwork for turning it in the second time after they said they did not receive it before. I don't have great proof that I turned it in before, but I have some proof. I think it was because of the shut down that it got bumbled.

I will take it to the office in person tomorrow. I only provided slight proof of my small business. I did not show all records but I think that is okay. I kind of wonder if I should have showed the facebook totals from my last accounts two years ago. I think what I showed was okay.

It is not okay with me that they pretended not to receive it or even didn't receive it. This was the first year I used their envelope and why should that make it not get there? It should be the opposite. 

Anyway I feel good that I am almost done, and also that my info is honest. I mean I simply do qualify.

I think actually me and my family of origin are more frugal than their standard.

So anyway I have a group tonight that I will go to and maybe phone a friend soon. Sometimes I have nothing to say to anyone and I think it is because of my medicine.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Wednesday, Nov 19. I went downtown today and got my rent check and printed off some medicaid materials. I also stopped at my favorite restaurant called Kaboozles. It was a good deal and felt cheaper after a couple of other recent meals that turned out kind of expensive. I am wondering if they gave me a discount that I did not notice. 

After that, I went to a meeting at Nami. It was great and I saw some favorite people. On the train there was someone who dumped out some trash looking for food and I think I should have given her a croissant that was in my bag. I just didn't. You get used to having to say no a lot but I have just been to a support group where people were there for me in my suffering so why couldn't I share? Well actually there was a reason which is that she got off the train and I needed to make sure I stayed on and did not get stranded somewhere.  So hopefully that person and others will be okay. 

Tomorrow I will fill out the rest of the paperwork and maybe friday I will take it to the office. I already did all this in September and October but my therapist is helping me be patient and accept that I might be on medicare sometime.  I think that is a secret message: I accept medicare.  So I am secretly working.

Well that is great, I am glad about that. I wish I saw more hallucinations though.

Have a good night everyone.

 Hello everyone, I guess it is time for yet another blog post. Can you believe I shared that prayer example? I felt that I should. It was questionable in both directions, i think, to share or not to share. But I think one thing about it is to remember how much we can ask for across a lifetime. It could really help people.

Frankly I hope we get facebook in heaven. But that would be kind of weird, wouldn't it, after we did know about life without it. 

It is only 10 pm. I think I will try to take my medicine at midnight. Tomorrow I am going downtown. I think I will go to Nami in person. So that means go to the bank at about 3 pm. So maybe leave here at 2 pm. And then go to Fedex. And then go to Nami. Here is the question, is there a Wells Fargo near 42 and 34 street? Hmm, they might hassle me because I usually go to the other stores. I think I remember seeing a bank though, and there is a needle and thread sculpture in front of it.  So that is weird. Tomorrow I go to Grand Central.

Gice my life might get harder but hopefully I can keep this healthfirst insurance.

The shift key on my computer isn't working that well and I wonder if I need to stop capitalizing some letters.

Gice sometimes my books do not seem interesting enough to me. But maybe that is a sign that they are easy to read.  Do you gice have any thoughts about it?

Well have a good day.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. I just went to my complex minds group. It was awesome. Then I made coffee. i spilled some peanut butter sauce on myself and I suspected that would happen but it is okay.

What do you gice think about this image: 

I was just typing gibberish into ai and said acquaduct and miracle water cross and then I got something like this but replaced a yellow striped cross with this purple cross. I like this image but might not send it around facebook because why be cheesy.

Anyway it is weird how I don't always nail it with the images and have to delete things months later.  But it has to do with how you have an idea but ai only generates certain stuff so it is a tradeoff sometimes.

Do you gice think I should keep giving books away or try to find an agent. Well I do not know.

I think that other post was really good and probably reached some people who see what I mean.

Should I go to AWP this year? I do not know. Maybe I will.

i wonder how Vedanta and Debjani are doing.

Remember my pals from the jokes page? Was it a different crowd than the art page, well I do not know.

Have a good day everyone. I do not think everyone in America will hate me as an author but I think i am coming close to being able to handle it.

Well, that is all.  Ravneet will you please send me a text later and tell me what you think about some stuff.

 Hello, conspiracy. Congratulations. I just made peanut butter chicken with rice and did not waste anything.  I ate rice from that other canilla bag and made the sauce runny so the meal would last longer. I do not think it will hurt my gallbladder either. At first I could not find the honey so I used sugar but then I found they honey and added more milk and worchestershire sauce.

I got some good messages from Ravneet. Also I am taking an advent class that is of interest to me. It has some saint stories in it and I believe it will motivate me to serve others.

Soon I will go to two groups. I have not done well in either group the past two times. So I do not know what to expect. That is in about thirty minutes.  So what will I do right now. I do not know. I drank the rest of the sparkling grape juice and feel normal. I think some of the stomach issues have been from IBS at night.

So I do not know what to think but the cops are saying I need to take my medicine on time tonight.  But as you will remember I had to take it at 3 yesterday and that was right.

So anyway, tomorrow I am going downtown. I have to get my rent check and redo my medicaid paperwork. It is not easy.  I wonder if they knew I did not have proof of sending it before.  And I wonder if it was postal people, people at my housing, or medicaid people.  Maybe I could call the medicaid line and see if there is a different status.

But I think I should just redo it. Well, possibly I will be yapping about nothing sometimes for a while, because I have a lot of free time and need to regroup with the book efforts.  What next, I do not know. It makes me happy to give away books so maybe I will keep getting addresses and mailing them.  But I don't know.  I mean honestly I look at the joke book and is it funny enough? Maybe.

Well have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. Today is Nov 18. I am doing okay and looking forward to a presentation in a little while. Then I will probably walk to the post office.

My memes did better than I expected. I think I am going to hit 1.5 mil.  At the beginning it seemed like I was going to be at 600k which did not seem right.  So this is good and I need to revisit to hit like on the comments. I guess I should do that now.

I got through this season better than I expected without having to ask my mom to help and without getting a donation from a church. I guess it feels better that way and kept me from doing more than what was appropriate. I mean if you think about it, there could be such thing as too much.

Like thinking everyone has to see this cross with mice and birds next to it. Anyway I am thawing some chicken and hopefully I can successfully cook it and eat it with the polynesian sauce I have. I think for the next chicken I will try to do a dorito casserole. I need to tidy the kitchen area up some but I did well with eggs and grilled cheese sandwiches, and I cooked some rice a few days ago.  And I ate cereal. That is very good. I mean honestly I don't feel like I have saved that much money but maybe I have. I have some ritz crackers so many I will make another cheese ball if there is still some cream cheese in the refrigerator.

Anyway tomorrow I will try to go downtown to get a rent check and do paperwork for my renewal. I will need to write a letter to them about the small business factor.

So that is all. Do you gice think I should move the table up and put the treadmill closer to the plug near the window? Do you think that is what the issue is? I think it could be.

Well, have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Monday, Nov 17. I just took my medicine late because I had stomach problems yesterday and I have to take the medicine with food. So far it feels fine.  I think what started it was eating two different kinds of peanuts and from having too much grape juice with milk products.  And then the stomach finally rejected a granola bar.  But hopefully that is not permanent.  Hopefully I can eat granola bars when my stomach is normal.

I should call the doctor soon. Today when I worried about them abusing me because I took my medicine late, I had this thought that they are probably going to start physically beating people in the mental hospitals soon.  But the mental abuse is pretty bad already. But I just wonder if that is where it is headed.

So anyway what am I going to do today. I will walk to the post office. That is the main thing.  I think I am finishing up with the pros program. I do not know how I feel about it.  They were mean to me a lot there.

I posted my new memes.  Now I think I really need to take a break because you can kind of get caught up in it and addicted. I so far don't feel actually addicted, but it gets on your mind in a certain way.

I would also like to reiterate that our depression and social problems are from the facebook algorithms depending too much on likes.  The way it was before was happy, and then the 2020 adjustments are what ruined everything.  How many times do I have to say it.  Every time I am reminded of it and sad.

I think I might try to save up for some kirkus reviews.  I think that could be worth it. But I do not know for sure. Well, everyone, have a good day. I think kirkus reviews are too expensive.

 Hello everyone,  I walked to Starbucks. I ordered a joke book for the manager. It will get there tomorrow probably. I am glad I took a walk. Every walk helps. I am writing a lot because I have hypergraphia but really it is not as bad as it can be sometimes.  When I have a spell, it is awesome.  This is just mildly excessive.

Was that other post weird? Some of the people at starbucks were kind of weird but it is okay. It made me think of a joke for my comedy routine.  

Gice when will I do another comedy class, I do not know.

I called my mom today and told her I sent her a birthday present.  

The medicaid people have given me another chance to mail in paperwork. I will fill it out and take it to the office in person. I am sad because I did well with the other paperwork and it is not fair.  They lost it.  I I make a mistake it is perjury but they are allowed to pretend that they did not receive it.

I think I will watch some Disney movies now.

 Hello everyone, please pardon the frequent blog posts.  I just ate some hash brown potatoes with cheese and sour cream and it was great.  And I drank sparkling grape juice.  It was like a holiday meal.

I also sent a text to a friend who fell, and her two kids, which are pretty much my age. It was weird because I cut my thumb a little bit on the aluminum foil on the grape juice and that reminded me to send a message.  Another thing that is weird is I always used to pray for that same person years a long time ago as a mentally ill person and I would imagine how had she cut her hand on a knife during another fall.  And just an hour ago I found out that Swiss Colony where my favorite holiday gifts are from used to be the company called Montgomery Ward, which I also used to pray for retroactively in a mentally ill way. I used to pray for that store all the time, from my memory, even though it was gone. Like the store had closed ten years before I started praying for everyone there. I pray for that mall still and JB White department store. 

So that is interesting, probably tmi, but some of my mental illness prayer life is actually better than the way I always talk about prayer too much now. But it is an interesting thing that has happened and I wish I could help more praying people see what potential there is for a life defining prayer habit.  I mean it is so fun, and it can help people you have no access to and never will. 

So anyway I feel much better today, and am happy about the memes.  Really it is very finite what I have shared this year, and I could not have done it without the support of several hundred thousand people online.  Their witness might even be stronger and braver, so that is a cool sign of how God works.

Anyway, that is enough. That is what I was just talking about, was yapping too much.

I mean the thing about praying for Mrs. Jackson is not that weird, but it was on my mind as out of the ordinary because something happened with our youth group which was that it faded some after a youth director left, and my friend Taryn actually wrote me and was sad about it, and then our later interactions were when I visited her after her dad died, and her mom visited me after I had a manic episode.  And I haven't done that many church visits like that, and it is just interesting. I mean what does it mean. It overlaps with the mission trips that I was persecuted out of, yet possibly had my share already.

So anyway, the dream about my sister was good and I need to ask myself if I stress her out erroneously.  I think some of it is her perception and narrative. And I did what I was supposed to.  But I know I have paranoia now about all of my real sufferings and persecutions.  So that is interesting.  It is a topic I am interested in, is how psychosis tells the truth.

Well, that is all everyone, just when you thought this blog is always a play by play of normal eatings and sleepings. Thanks everyone. You guys think I pray for everyone but you but it is not true okay.

 Hello everyone, today is Sunday, Nov 16. I missed church today and a meeting.  Possibly if I had decided not to miss the meeting then I would have been up for church. I think I will go to my evangelical church online and feel okay. I am making some coffee right now. I had good dreams this morning where my sister was helping me and then I quit my mental health program and I was at the beach and a hippo and rhino swam with me and I saw capybaras in the ocean, too, and then I went to some kind of ministry in an old house and I kept breaking doorknobs and was a conspicuous visitor and had to crawl out a delivery dock to get out.  I felt cared about and it was a good dream.  Then I woke up and had missed my meeting but I already decided I could not go but what I didnt expect was to be too late and tired for church.

I think it will be okay. 

My facebook posts are doing much better and I will probably be at 1.2 mil after all.  So they are increasing the reach later on and I can't estimate at the beginning. I knew that but still have ups and downs about it.

It does matter to me to be able to feel like the posts were successful. I mean sometimes there is an obedience factor like I need to get it right.

I am glad I have now shared my two eternal life posts.  Possibly the christ died for sinners post will be another challenge but I know it is a good post. I do not know about the christ forgives sins post. I mean it is okay but I do not know if it is really good enough but it is probably fine.

I can feel how these facebook friends need good posts.  How worth it that this hobby is. It helps people. I will not delude myself about what is at stake, but I think it does help with true evangelism.

So anyway I think I will make potatoes soon.  And maybe some eggs, and eat some cereal.  Maybe I will eat the cereal before the potatoes. I could do pancakes too but I think that is not necessary.

Well, that is all everyone, sorry to miss church but it feels like it had to be this way.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is 11 pm on Nov 15. I am doing okay. I had a solitary day today except for two phone calls and a zoom.  Other than that, I mostly created new ai images. I wasn't planning to but I did about 7-8 new images, maybe even 10. One is really funny and is a blob nativity scene.

The memes I sent around are good and I think I will be at a cool mil by the end of it. But it is not a guarantee.  These numbers are only okay. I did a meme that is mostly text like my jokes and I think it is doing okay.  Sometimes I have two easy strong posts and this time I only have one post like that and it is not doing as well as I expected. I do not know why.  Possibly it will pick up but I think it will be 500k at the end of it and I did a higher budget for it so I expected about 200k more than that.  It is a big difference so my mood is not as good while these posts are running.  But actually the past few times have started slow and sped up later, and I usually go past a cool mil when I do three posts.

I felt the bad feeling earlier but not that bad.  It went away after a while and I think I can be okay.  I am planning to try to go to church tomorrow. I think I will miss the meeting for queer kid lit.  I just have to be on the train at that time.

I did not eat that well today. I think I ate too many snacks when maybe I should have cooked rice again. I need to wash the dishes in the fridge and make some casseroles. Or I could cook hash browns. I could actually still cook some hash browns. Maybe I will do that and feel better.

I am worried about the medicaid thing.  It is a big deal for it to not have gone through and I have been waiting all this time for a decision when they did not even have my renewal packet.  But I think some thing went wrong. I am not going overdo it with trusting God and not idolizing health insurance. I think I am going to let myself freak out a little bit and try to get it fixed. I think the service I got on the phone was really bad and it made me believe that I was part of the problem when I wasn't.  Anyway I heard a good law firm is Bender and Bender.

My facebook friends really cheered me up this week with a lot of support on my inspection post. I was not expecting that.  My content that I share from other pages does not do as well. I do not really know why but I have enough encouragement. 

Well, that is all. It was kind of a weird day. 

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. Today is Saturday, Nov 15. I am sending around some posts and I feel good about it.  I did two posts that have been on my page for a while, and one new post from today. It is an interesting process and I have learned a lot.

I had a good experience watching a movie last night with some friends. I actually only listened to the movie but I saw something in my mind and was content with my life. It was a documentary about a poet.

Today was not as excellent of a food management day but I did well in that I did not spend any money on food.  Last night I ordered the christmas present for my sister's family. It is possible that I will keep it and order them something separate.

I think I will watch some Disney movies on youtube. Then maybe I will do some more memes.

Well, thanks everyone, have a great day.

Hello everyone, today is Friday, Nov 14. I had a good day except for the Medicaid problem. I am distraught that my paperwork did not get there.  My case manager and housing director think it is them.  So it probably got there and wasn't processed and someone thought it was okay to just say it didn't get there.  My therapist thinks it will work out.  I asked them if I could redo it and they are mailing it to me and I am taking it to the office.  The worker on the phone was young and didn't care and didn't care to believe me either that I of course had done it when I said I had and that the person I talked to in the office should have told me that they had not received it.  The case also didn't show up in their app that I have, and the fact that they use the mail system is also a possible problem.  So that is three or four things that are all them.  I don't have much proof but could probably get video footage of me mailing it. I will tell them that when I go to the office.

I am cooking some rice right now because I have a can of gravy that I used on rice the other day.  It was yummy so I will have another similar meal.  And I made a grilled cheese sandwich, actually two. And I ate some blackberries.  And earlier I ate three eggs and cheerios.  So I am using groceries and this day alone catches me up on really a year of poor food management. It could have been worse and been more expensive but actually I did keep it cheap.

I had a good grocery trip today and will keep walking far to that store.  It is not that far and I need the exercise. So how many groceries did I use today: gravy, cheerios, cheese, mayonnaise, bread, eggs, butter, blackberries, gushers,  coffee, sugar, rice.  I thought about eating beans, too, but all in good time.  That is twelve groceries that I used up today.  That is really doing the best I can. I also ate pudding but I did not want to make the number be 13. I am going to just pour most of the gravy into all the rice and not use the rice for other things like cheesy rice or something.

I mean maybe I am wrong and I should do some cheesy rice and some gravy rice. 

I just have to write on this blog a lot because it is meaningful to me and sometimes I share it.  But facebook doesn't share links successfully because they want all the traffic to stay on their page.  But I got 300 views, which is what the secret lawyers advised.

Thanks everyone for the conspiracy. I am going to try to handle this insurance thing well and live my life without obsessively trusting and worshipping medicaid. If I lose it then I probably still have medicare. And I have a couple of months worth of medicine and could titrate down if there was an emergency. I think I have to see losing insurance as a let this cup pass from me thing and then take a share of suffering.

I am excited because a movie that I thought I missed last week is tonight, so hopefully I can watch it.

I miss Ravneet.  She has been talking to me a lot and it is very fun.

Well have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Friday, Nov 14. My friend who is a doctor sent me a message saying she is worried about me. So I called her and told her about my new problem of the medicaid packet not getting there.  My case manager says she thinks the packet did probably get there and medicaid messed it up because of the shutdown problems.  I think she might be right.  Possibly it did get lost though, and I do not have proof of sending it.  That is my stupidity.  The only documentation I have is a missed day of PHP when I went to the medicaid office, and a fed ex office transaction for one of the documents that I mailed.  

Other than that I never heard from them and they should have told me when I went in person that they did not have the paperwork. This is one of the worst problems I have ever had.  It seems like I did not do what I was supposed to but I did.  Maybe they lose it on purpose to see if you lie and say a different budget when you fill it out again. But my paperwork could not have been more straightforward and honest. It is really horrible that it is not there.  I think it is really horrible if it is a different problem and they are pretending they didn't get it. I mean what do you do.

Anyway I paused the facebook ad.  I do not know if I reached enough facebook friends.  I am aware that I can't really reach people in the USA, even if they are my facebook friends and followers. So I need to accept that those blessings got taken away. Huge chunks of things I worked for are gone, and that is my life, and all kinds of bad things happen in the world.  So now I and others will be some of those people who did the best we could but things didn't go well.

I think that other post was interesting and I do not regret sharing it but I have spent enough on it and reached plenty of people.

I just don't think I will suddenly have an income and be able to sign up for Fidelis insurance as hoped for before.

I sent an email to my therapist. I might have said too much in the email. At one pm I might go to a Nami group. And then Hearing Voices at 3:30, or maybe the employment support group.  I was going to go to the grocery store but I don't know if I am strong enough.  What do you gice think.  Sunday I want to go to my church downtown. So that leaves today for the grocery store. I mean should that be what I do at 3 pm.  Maybe. It is kind of a far walk but reminds me of Nagle avenue days.

Does anyone have any thoughts? Any secret messages are appreciated.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. it is Friday, Nov 14. I am on the phone trying to get help for a Medicaid problem. I have been on hold for about 40 minutes.  That is a long time to be on hold. But they probably have a lot of people who need help.  I think something already went wrong and I may need to be patient and go to the office in person Monday.  I left a message. I have had four interactions with them about renewal.  And the recording said they did not receive the packet. But I did send it and went in person to clarify something on the packet and they did not let me know that they did not have it.

So possibly something went wrong because of the shut down and I need to be patient. Also two counselors said they think something was wrong with my new SNAP allowance.  So I will be patient. i am okay for now. I have about a month where I should be okay and can get some things fixed.  And possibly things can be corrected retroactively if I temporarily lose coverage unfairly.

Then there is the possibility that I will lose it because of government taking back its contract without notice.  To just take away healthcare after I have made life decisions based on its availability and the agreements already established in writing.

The blog post has about 150 views. Probably it is half and half India and USA.  That is good with me.  Will I pause the ad, probably not.  I mean it is a blog share.  

Definitley my writing life could have had many different results and I don't know, manifestations, but I am happy with the books I did.  Should I have kept better grammar standards? I think I did keep them for the main fiction and poetry, and I did the nonfiction more casually, and that was my choice.  So I think it is okay.  Anyway, pros and cons, ups and downs, live and learn.  A lot has gone okay and people have helped me a lot.  But wow some things did not go well, shut doors and mistreatment, erosions of various sorts.

I can see the finish line up ahead but how are these four years going to go, I do not know.

It is now 50 minutes on hold. I mean maybe I just have to go in person. I just think there should be customer service for something as important as medicaid.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. Today is Thursday, Nov 13. I miraculously just cleaned a section of my apartment that I have been procrastinating on for a year. I think I should throw away some bags in the corner and tidy up the books and then maybe my apartment is no longer really a messy apartment.

What should I eat for dinner. I do not know. But I made that 60 dollars last three days and that is good. I ate some cereal.  What I think I want to do is eat a zebra cake. I wish I had gotten the christmas tree cakes and given them to Doug to take to his kids but I simply only saw the zebra cakes.

I think questionable was the pepperidge farm cookies because they were 7 dollars.  I hope that company is doing okay because I could not handle it if they went out of business. A friend of mind told me that stuff like that happens as you get older, and there are products you like that aren't available any more, and restaurants.  But some stuff needs to endure. If the government can bail out Fila, then they need to bail out Pepperidge Farm.

So anyway I feel good about cleaning up. I don't know why I couldn't before but I just couldn't.

 Hi everyone, I have been writing a lot of blog posts. I am doing okay and just did a successful instagram order. Hopefully tomorrow, saturday, or sunday, I will walk to the key food and do canned goods. I think that will have me pretty much back to normal for food.

The instagram order was great and a surprising legitimate defense case against my other blog post, saying I gave everyone a kitchenaid mixer that they smashed.  But here we have a thoughtful gift from them, which is snacks and cookies for 62 dollars of SNAP money.  That was all I was awarded, and I think I am expected to ask again with new documents. I will probably do that and tell them I did need for it to make more of a difference.  But it does make some difference and my OTC card doesn't cover the snacks that I chose and usually have to pay for as I run low on my main card each month.  So I am happy, and I saw a person in my neighborhood that I think the conspiracy might bless in some way as a reward for my improved gratitude and attitude.

Anyway, that is weird, isn't it, but I think this went well.  The thing to notice is the tip factor, where I had to tip the instacart driver.  But then, he does get the money and that is good.

There are brave and hardworking young people as delivery drivers, and I believe God will bless them. 

I need to keep cleaning my apartment, which I have worked on some today. I will try to finish the table, put clothes up, and clear the corner.

At 7 and 8 I am going to some presentations.  So now it is about 6. I already drank afternoon coffee.  So I guess the task at hand is the table.

Gice, a photo of the snacks would have been good. Maybe I will add that later, I just felt like putting up the groceries. Gice it was snacks only so very happy and I have pudding in the refrigerator.  

 Gice, I need to go to my program now.  The secret messages are saying that is my dumbest behavior ever, is sharing that post, that I am a narcissist, and Malfoy. And then someone sent an email that was weird too, with one if the actors that I question most. I am sorry but I question that actor.

So anyway, I need to go to the program now. I feel okay that I have this post running.  Is it too sensitive, like did I show a side of myself that is not happy or something.  And I have wondered if I have secret sales that I am supposed to be happy about.  But I am just not sure. I think I have to take the zeroes at face value and throw that analogy out there. Because it also calls into question the conspiracy's treatment of me.  Like did something get taken for granted and I am part of an enterprise that abuses me.

Well maybe that is the point is they are showing themselves as Barnes and Noble in the re-enactment.  But maybe now we see that Barnes and Noble always had a bigger industry besides just its company behind it.  And maybe that is the idea.  But I think those people helped me before. I think they put secret messages in their books as attention for me.

So I do not know except I think my blog post is good. It has 77 views so far.  I think my ad only reached 14 people in USA.  So that is interesting too.  I think possibly what is needed is for Amazon to make books available in India. 

Well, that is all. No one will read this post because the link is directly to that other post.  Was it too rude. I do not know. I think some people will like it. I mean it is weird and I have to consider whether I am consistent enough across all circles. I think I am okay but this confirms my lack of ministry status and why God had me take the path I did. God was nice to me and had a plan.  And it is interesting and what do we know if anything, is that he wants to give everyone 45 million blessings.  I mean that is what we do know.

Well have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, it is 1 am on Thursday. Tomorrow I am going to my mental health program. Soon I have to take my medicine.  Facebook is pausing my ad to make the roll out un-ideal for me.  They approved the ad but it is not running, so the post is sharing only to friends right now.  I wanted the post to mainly be an ad and reach a lot of people before my friends saw it.  It shares a blog post that I did want to share with friends, with a secondary audience, but the post was meant to be an ad.  So now it is messed up and driving me crazy, and I don't appreciate it.

Then I just read some sad news and something else that seems a little belated, which is the release of information that Russia and China are setting up military operations in Venezuela.  Well that area has been in turmoil for ten years, so this has been going on for probably quite a while.  Probably the gangs in Haiti are from their allies from who knows where. My guess is Nigeria. And some of their people are already in our country.

Well this makes my post not matter that much, but I still don't understand why it can't go through like normal and why people mess up just about everything I do. 

I say that when my book did arrive on time today, it did turn out like I like it, but I don't understand why I can't have some social peace on facebook.  Why they think it is okay to mess up our lives for sport.  For all their rich employees to say, ha ha, we could mess up every friendship in the world, let's do it.

Anyway, this is all too bad, how we might have a war on our own soil soon, and how infiltrated we have already been. It's awfully suspicious for facebook to also be ruining our lives.

What Umbrella does this fall under

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. I just listened to an excellent lecture about Sudanese history.  Wow, it was amazing, way to go.  

I also ate some food and am now waiting to go to my support group in about an hour.  Definitely there were some ups and downs in this group the last few times, but I am giving it another chance.

I am thinking of writing something about my publishing status and having life pass by me without acceptance of my writing in the United States.  I attended a presentation yesterday about how writing works best as a gift economy.  The idea was to not let capitalist ambition ruin the outreach of it.

The talk resounded with me, but I also have been a bookseller and have an idea of the point of distribution and how the exchange of twenty dollars can facilitate that more abstract transfer of priceless stories and ideas.  So I don't know what to think, except my work was always meant as a gift, and it has now been rejected at all levels.  Agents had a chance, publishers had a chance, and finally after doing self publishing and facebook ads, regular people could have vetoed the whole industry's offensive failure. But my numbers are zeroes, and here I sit in poverty. Of course we already established that it isn't about the cash, but it is suspicious for me to have done twenty years of work and still be at some kind of starting gate.

Well I have something to say to anyone who defends it.  If you believe the gatekeepers were just doing their job, I will repeat this horserace analogy where the gun fires, the horses take off, and one contestant's gate simply isn't opening. Is it a malfunction? Would anyone say the whole race's results are in question now? I am not sure I have heard that theory from anyone in my own case. All we really have is a peaceless, ruined society and a profession full of rivals who couldn't be happier that I was left out.

That was the pandemic scenario. Now, five years later, here is a different analogy. In this precious gift economy, I bought everyone in America a kitchenaid mixer with the color of their very own preference. But every single person has smashed that thoughtful gift with a sledgehammer on video.  And every day, I go on facebook and watch those videos, and that is my life and will be until the day I die, which is in a mere four years because of the nature of the sacrifice I made behind my literature that was rejected. That is my experience of the gift economy.  Well maybe you don't celebrate the holiday that my gift was for. Maybe you thought it was for Ramadan because I voted for a Muslim in the NYC mayor election.  Maybe your parents didn't take you to church, and maybe your school didn't teach you to appreciate poetry.  Maybe you can't read this blog post because facebook algorithms blocked you from being reminded to hate me.  Maybe people in heaven are reading all my books right now, and the rain is their spit.

 Hello everyone, today is Nov 12. I had a good Nov 11 and a new facebook friend was nice to me. Today I went to the post office and there was a copy of my new book called "Thank you, Conspiracy." I am happy with it but wow it starts off with some shocking statements that I might question and regret. I am just sad because I was upset about something that happened on amtrak and then as I described it, I blamed them for all of the problems in American industry, when mostly I think they have done well.  But my experience with their bidding program for upgrading seats actually did match the problems of total corruption in every industry, so I did say something about it that wow might have been too much for the big picture.

So I do not know how I feel about it. I think some people will not like me as an author after just the first two pages of this book, but it is mostly a good book and even i am able to read all of it without getting bored.

Anyway, I was thinking about just suddenly walking to starbucks, and then I thought about taking a joke book to Donna the manager and then one for the Thai restaurant person.  But I think I should wait until I am a customer at the Thai restaurant, so that to me means waiting on both of them. Well that would mean going today to Starbucks without the joke book for Donna.  But I think that is how it has to be if I do go.

And now that I started typing this, sitting at my computer is a different choice than walking to starbucks.

So I do not know if I will go or not.  Yesterday I got some food and for the budget, I need that to be all for two days. And I just did finish the pork chop meal from the grocery store.  And I will eat the rest of the quesadilla from Taco Bell, and that will be a two day feast.  I mean honestly, today was like Christmas. It just really was, and I think I should not expect too much more for the holidays.

So okay. my sister texted me today and said she took my mom some brunswick stew yesterday, and I am glad because my phone call to mom did not go well on Monday. I could tell my mom was triggered by it.  So I just can't care for my mom that well, because something about me irks her into dementia.

Well that is a clue of God's plan, that maybe my sister will be the one to do most of that, and her family. 

Anyway I know what I am getting the nieces for christmas but I hope the items do not sell out.

Well, have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, today is Sunday, Nov 9.  I had a really good weekend and feel thankful.  I just finished a mensa bible study and thought about it for a while and felt happy. We are reading the beatitudes which is my favorite part of the bible. I mean I guess I like Isaiah 53 too. And Genesis and Revelation.

So anyway before that I went to a critique group for children's book writing.  And it was excellent.  I think I made a mistake and did not give the group enough context about the chapter I shared. But they did like the writing. And I got good feedback about the reading level.  I think the books are on target and people will like the young adult factor.  Like it has to be that way. And it will be okay. 

Before that I went to church online and heard such a great sermon from rev natalie from my church. I like all our ministers and am happy when they do awesome. She read a list of things from a book and found it to be relevant to what i care about, and advice I will use if I can.

So those were my three meetings. I had to stay in my neighborhood today so I walked to Starbucks, and I can feel how any exercise will make a difference. So I will try to walk every day. Tomorrow I will try to probably walk to that Key Food near Buhre avenue.

So that was today, and yesterday was also good. I went to a Mensa meeting. I had a good time but I think i might have talked too much.  But definitely I have gotten to know some people and have a smattering of friends here and there. In January I might try again to do games in person.

What I forgot this weekend was movie night with Hope Lab.  But I think overall, i have full weekends now with one, two, three, four or five new associations.  And this is after my year of laziness where I felt like I lost all my affiliations. 

Also yesterday, I watched an amazing lecture from a favorite theologian. It made me re-see a vision and believe that Jesus died as me.  It is true.  The theological adjusment I would tell people trying to understand the cross is that Jesus was you. That is why it counts for you.  He was us.  That is how it works. I believe that is the revelation that I was given and there might not be much else from me.

How am I doing on food.  Better but not totally recovered from the decline.  I will have to do chicken only for purchases for a while unless I directly make a casserole right after a purchase.  

Well, that is all except for some reading and a presentation from DBB and TF and mystery person. Thanks pals, you guys have really been a great part of my life right when I need an extra jolt of social theology. 

That is an interesting term, isn't it.  "Social theology," coined just now. It means church friends!

 Hello everyone, today is Friday, Nov 7. That means 7-11. And yet I shared a share of my bingo card having the number 666 on it.  And not that many people clicked like. It is just so wrong how facebook does not share our posts to enough friends. It is behind most of the depression in this country and a lot of the political problems, because people are getting the replacement social fix from seeing their side win.  

But it is in God's hands. I am going to start asking him to fix facebook better and restore the social over the media.

Anyway in ten minutes I am scheduled to attend a talk for the Trinity Forum. I do like them but they had a doctor on there who didn't believe the disease model of addiction and called it idolatry and I feel bad for them. I said that you can be addicted and your heart is in the right place and there was this silence like total ignorance and I am like are you kidding me? 

But anyway let's see how this talk goes. I think I will be bored and need to read some books during the presentation.  I still like the people and I don't think the new guy ever got a book or maybe his name in lights so I will try to fix that if I can someday.

The Nami group I went to last night was great with amazing people. Wow I am thankful for that. 

I just ate some food from chipolte. I wasn't planning on it but had some room on my card for the final day before SSDI. Wow I cut it close on my credit card this time but hopefully I can pay things back okay. I think I can. I think I can do 500 of the SSDI to that account and reset the normal amount. And I have two hundred left from last time that can pay off discover.

I need to check and see if I owe. I think my girlfriend tried to remind me. Thanks Ravneet. 

So okay time to go to the presentation.

Hello everyone, today is Wednesday, Nov 5. I am about to go to my appointment at North Central Bronx Hospital. I am leaving here at about 10 am.  I might leave earlier. But do I want to get there too early. I mean maybe not. What would I do there, sit around for more than three hours? I should try not to get there before twelve, but I might take the shuttle from Jacobi.  

This picture is a grid that I might post when I hit 80 million views for my facebook pages. That is awesome and I am thankful.  I think that is the right number because of organic reach and paid reach combined but I could be wrong. I mean who knows, maybe I am at 90 already, but 80 is my goal.  I think I will not stop yet but sometimes I feel a possible lull of some sort. 

But anyway I got awesome support for my facebook post yesterday. I did not expect that but wow it really sent me onto a happy feeling and it was a good update about lucky charms, too, which added bigger marshmallows to their cereal. I mean it is very psychologically comforting because you just keep getting giant marshmallow after giant marshmallow and you can't believe it each time. I want to send an email about it to the Lieber Clinic but I am not a client there any more.

Well have a good day everyone.

 

 Well everyone, it is Tuesday, Nov 4. I just voted my vote for mayor. For the other votes I went by names and voted for minority representation. I have done that pretty much for every vote I have done since moving here.

Who did I vote for as mayor. Well this morning I woke up thinking a certain way and changed my mind.  But that had been a change from another day.  So who will win? I do not know.

But to me there is a certain gesture of acceptance and love towards a certain population that is an opportunity.  Frankly, I think all three options are good.  I have thought that about a lot of elections, how we have really good people out there.  It is too bad about the fighting between parties.  But possibly God used that as some kind of deflection to distract from other salvation happening.  I mean I do not know.

But it could be that social media is one thing that reaches a lot of people in the world and it had to seem like it wasn't meant a certain way and maybe even sincerely not be a tool from a unified front for Jesus Christ, but an offhanded culture leftover from a bickering dirty lost nation.  So people elsewhere are like sure, we'll take it, and before you know it, there are videos of people singing the best music in christian history.  And then what do you know, another billion people get a ticket to heaven.

Well anyway, that is nice. Gice, I left off a cool poem from that last unfluencer book. So I could upload it again with more names.  Well maybe.  What do you gice think.

Like I could do another block on the next page and the originals wouldn't lose their elite status.

Well have a good day everyone.

 ravneet sent me a message yesterday, it was d good message with a lot of meaning.

I think I accidentally used the post after this more like an email note and I posted it.

but that is okay, it doesn't really matter. I think I am finishing up with some stuff.

So the question is whether the books will ever reach people.

Well I do not know. I think I could send out more horizon cows. 

It is interesting how the book of choice is still horizon cow.

But the later renditions of joke book and library book are cool.

So anyway I think today I will mail some books to joshua and holly.

And then later this week I will mail something to patrick.

I got off track with mailings and i am sorry about that.

Well have a great day everyone.

 Gice did you like that joke. I think it might only be one school. But I did not know so I said it that way. And I could have just said "writer in exile." I mean that would be funny to actually say that somewhere, like writer in exile and then list the school.

I mean that is funny and I could be the first person who does something like that.

Anyway the orange chicken I made is good. I am letting it cool off but actually this might be the optimal time for it. So that is good, two good meals in a row this weekend, however, some indigestion last night. I think it could be from the eggnog but we do not know.

I will drink some more egg nog later. I mean sorry but I am not wasting that. 

Did I get the wrong brand, I do not know. I have been mostly awake today and I think I can start over from my year of laziness.  Why am I not thinking of poems much anymore. Actually I did think of a few ideas. I need to write one about my old phone number.

Gice I could do a revisit on names but it seems like no one cares any more, I mean are people suddenly going to care at some point, I do not know.

Gice I don't like how I talk about being gay in these recent thin books. Should I do that as the third thin book series? I mean I do not know.

Possibly I eventually will.  I read the gerbil book earlier. Mixed feelings about how I might have done bad with the jacob and esau but some people might see what I was saying and get into it.

Gice I miss princeton, are they mad at me? I do not know.  I am not mad at them but they probably think I am but I do miss my visions and I don't understand why I can't see stuff. Because I really need to see that stuff. It is there even if we don't see it.

But I could tell that it is the prayers sometimes that defeat things. I guess all kind of stuff does. 

So anyway don't forget bible study tonight.

I wish I could have gone to games day but I will return another time like maybe try again next year.

Gice I am not on certain levels. I am not a 160 person. But how can people not see that I am a 140? Why would that be in question, it is not that big of a deal.

But anyway are you guys tired of that. Well I am really sorry.

So anyway, should I read some more books? Should I read those other books I got from friends? Maybe.

People are saying, we thought you were going to take a walk.  Like why not go to starbucks.

Hmm that is a good idea. I do not know if I will though. I might stay in and make coffee here.

I think I will stay here.

Gice it seems like the memes are going slowly but it is normal.  I do not know what that means but I really love those people and probably a lot of people who don't comment and like are also nice buddies.

Gice I am running out of cash for it soon. But it is okay. I think a pause is okay.

I mean sometimes I don't know if I will think of anything else on the ai generators.

Does anyone have any opinions?

Well have a good day everyone.

 gice jacqui just reminded me to say this joke:

some schools have writers in residence

i am a writer in exile from certain schools

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Sunday at 11:07. I just was hitting like on the comments for my overseas posts and it was so sweet. I am not tired of it. All those people will be my friends in heaven and they will be friends with all my facebook friends probably. They are so nice. I can't answer each one but maybe I will try to say something more often when I think it won't hurt the other people.

That was about 500 comments just now. Or maybe 400.  It made me happy. I will try to show my mom on the blobs maybe but not the rainbow because it could bring up a certain topic.

So anyway I drank some coffee. I think the coffee is okay. I think the issue yesterday was the sprite plus alfredo sauce. So hopefully that will be okay. I need to go to the store today but I will try to wait until later. At about 3 pm. The leftover popcorn was good this morning. I hope I don't have to waste any pasta.

I hope the grocery stores can endure the food stamp loss. It is interesting because probably they don't normally see the food stamp people as being extra profitable but maybe they are some core customers.

Man I wish stop and shop was still here. That really hurt me like nothing else in my life before.

So anyway, did my book post, I will check. Is it a good book. I think the lack of poems is okay because of the art. So that worked out some. Should I have edited the essay more. I can sometime or add names.

I think I will try to walk some today. Well thanks everyone.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Saturday, Nov 1. I just went to the grocery store. It was mostly successful but I wish I had gotten some rice krispies.  I guess I will make another trip soon.  I am thinking Monday.  I also refilled the snacks I got the other day: granola bars, kettle corn, and gushers. I used my OTC card on what I could. But it was still kind of an expensive trip and I paid 46 dollars myself.  So I am up to about 63 used on OTC. I got some potato hash browns and I can make that kind of casserole soon. And I got some pasta and alfredo sauce. So that is good. And some chicken.  I can use the polynesian sauce on it. So that is about 5 times 2 meals.  Ten meals.  Plus eggs and cheese and butter.  

I just watched a video from Connie May Fowler.  It was about getting an agent.  I think it is too hard to get an agent right now and it is a lull in the business.  The business does not reflect the writer success.  That is my opinion. I am about to pass the too late finish line for agents. Some would say never say that but I will say what is true.

I do not know what involvement the conspiracy has and if some people know I am going to succeed and if some people really think I won't. I don't know how people can read my jokes and think I am not legit. Like it is obviously of a certain quality. And if there are even three books at that level then that is a whole great career.  And there are about twenty books at that quality, and 50 other fan level interesting material. And then easy art for people who just like cheap cute books. I mean do people think it is fun or something to bully me? To turn me down and think that they are on another level? I am just not sure they are. But I am not that professional but I did maintain due propers and I don't have to wear a fake facial expression like an interview for twenty years. Do you think there won't be another social justice movement at the entrance to heaven? Do you really think I can be in the blind spot of so many liberals and it will never be seen for the hypocrisy that it is? 

Anyway, that is enough. I think agents are having a tough time too, but there is such thing as intergrity in the material that inevitably is more important than industry, politics, money, and bookstores. Do people really not have faith in truth? 

That is all. I suppose I will eventually say more. This was much more civil than I expected when I felt the immanent decision to go ahead and call it. To say, too late, carpetbaggers.