Hello everyone, today is Wednesday, April 30. I got some good news today which is that I was invited to be on an awesome podcast for a person who is a favorite and I have watched the show.  That is all I am saying right now.

Also interesting is that I chose to boost two jokes on my jokes page even though I was anxious to do some more easy art.  And then it turns out that it helps strengthen my poems and jokes page to be on the podcast. Because that is what it is based on.

I hope it goes well. It will be during May.  I think I can do it but I will be in Greenville, SC and the lighting there is not as good but I will do okay.

Gice this podcast invitation shocked me, it is so exciting and a relief, too, because at first I thought I was supposed to be on a TV show and I felt that my appearance is just not good enough for that, partially because of medicine problems.  And I told them that when I RSVPed but they said it was a podcast from the facebook page.  So I am not sure how it will work technically but I will be in a room with a background like a zoom meeting and I am definitely up for that.

I just can't say what it is because it is so exciting but I watch the show when I go to the hospital for my neurology appointment.  Ok I will say one more thing about the show which is that it is someone who is friends with E.T. 

Can you believe that?  I can't.

But I am excited and have been working on my facebooking lately so hopefully it will go well.

 Hi everyone, today is Wednesday, April 30.  My two lesser jokes are doing okay on facebook. I think they will get about 12-15 thousand likes and about a hundred thousand views.  That is great for the kidn of jokes they are.  And people are being nice to me, how sweet, I am happy for all those people to show themselves as so good in front of everyone. Or in front of a lot of people and me, and God himself.

So that is sweet, because honestly it wasn't as easy to share those jokes, but it keeps my jokes page somewhat active.  I could share old jokes sometime too, and there are several that I think I never boosted at all. I mean I could send those around in an automated way if facebook ever did that.

I don't know whether to boost my video soon.  I forgot that I was going to do another photo and blog drop.  Maybe I will do that in May. I do not know if the video is good enough but it did strike me as okay before I posted it.

Right now it is 7:24 and I am sleepy but okay. I just drank some Dr. Pepper which was cold and yummy.

Maybe I will go back to sleep and go to program at about ten.  Or maybe I will go at nine and get to do the short group today.

Anyway, that is good, did I do okay yesterday, I think I did.

Okay have a great day everyone.

 Hello everyone, today is Tuesday, April 29. Jody and Jen wished me a happy birthday. That is so sweet and thoughtful and pretty funny.

I went to a cheap alumni lecture tonight on what makes great books great or important.  And wow it was so interesting.  And I feel that some corrections to thought were presented, as well as the idea of some of the greatness being out of reach for some readers, or blocked.  So that there could be subjective factors and reader greatness to consider.

I was sad to hear a section about heart of darkness but it did at least catch me up on stuff I forgot about that novel.  But I thought of that novel as inherently racist.  I don't totally think of Huckleberry Finn that way although I think the N word problem is severe and a lady in the audience said she could barely read it because of that. However I think that modern candidates for great books mostly lack that "I'll go to hell" moment, which simply was profound in Mark Twain's book. As for Scarlet Letter, I wasn't ever that into it but think that the nobility of a shunned character is in fact kind of classic. Like it is a good thing to present the attractive heroine despite worse than low status. These books were in the lecture outdone by things like "Their eyes were watching God." Which Zora Neale Hurston to me was a special genius and the title kind of does enough on that one, and when you think whatever population that was, you know that it is true, no matter what is in the book. I liked her other books.  I forgot the names of what I read.

What else was mentioned.  Wow, The Jungle, and Silent Spring. I never knew what the term "Silent Spring" referred to. I thought it was like a bubbling brook.  But it is a dead silence from pesticides killing nature. How freaking sad and moving. And those books are hero books to NYU people: Uncle Tom's Cabin, The Jungle, and Silent Spring all had national impact against some of the bad guys.  So that was neat.  And it was like a protest for literary snobbery with no purpose.

I did not read "Invisible Man" because it is too long.  Sorry I just couldn't read it.  I like James Weldon Johnson who was an NYU guy.  And I like all the Harlem Columbia people.  Everyone already knows this about me. But people might think I am wrong about myself but I don't think I am.

I think what we might see now is that all my liberalism was foisted on me directly from God as a mercy.  And we don't know why except that I did want to stop sinning. And it was hypocrisy and the remedy was severe mental illness and it did work.  People say no it is Jesus that saves. Well of course but that is not what I am saying. I am saying for the raging battle, God had a strategy.

Anyway I did not mean to get on that tangent. I gave Dr. Baer a copy of Horizon Cow. Would it have been funnier or more generous to give The Pinnacle of Human Folly.  I do not know. I think I did okay and I am going to give my new friend Geri the Pinnacle Book that I have.

Right now it is 11:30 and I need to take my medicine right now. But I do not want to. I want to wait until midnight but I will probably take it right now.

My jokes are doing okay. I will probably hit about 8000 each.  That is less than normal but not too bad.

I might have messed up with my video share but it is okay. 

I also still need to post other people's books. I might do a few posts like that, break it up after the video, and then in a few days send it around.

I kind of got sucked into the computer for a couple of days but hopefully will snap out of it.

I do not want to take my medicine right now but I think I will.

 Hello everyone, it is 3:43. I am about to go downtown. I just posted a video on my page and had cut off the very beginning where it was zoomed in on my sleeve and I think that was better than the facial expression that it starts with.  But I think it doesn't matter.  Also I can't boost it until the price of the book is listed right on my page which could take a day, because I switched it to match the video.  That actually makes there be about three videos that I can now share again.

I did a different video this afternoon but wasn't happy with my appearance and found this one on my computer and liked it better.

It was weird, I got scrambled a little bit when I posted it and before that posted a joke on my page.  This is just like the ET meme where all my friends are telling me conflicting stuff and I know the joke is probably good.  I mean I really do need the backup sometimes but I guess it is okay.

So now I have three pages with stuff to share whenever I am able to.  What order should I do it in. I do not know.  I am thinking jokes, video, art. It is kind of hard to be patient.  

Maybe I need to get my mind on other stuff.  I think I should clean my apartment and start walking. But I have to use the treadmill because the cops are being mean to me.

Earlier my friend James asked me for food and I told him I wasn't giving food anymore but I did give Genghis some potato perogis. And I had a bag of frosted flakes I could have just handed to him.  But then I ate some of the frosted flakes.  And sometimes when I say no I later think I should have given some more.  But people did start being mean to me.  I forgot to ask Drena if it is because I am scheduled to go live with Ravneet soon.

Ravneet, are you reading this.  My video from today didn't look that good so I will try to improve. I think the one online is okay.

I might have to just rerun old videos if I don't have a good appearance.

So anyway, soon I leave to go downtown. I am taking a copy of horizon cow with me to give to the teacher of the class I am going to.  Sorry but I am not taking other books for classmates. I did think about blob books but I just don't think it is appropriate.

 Hey everyone, I took a shower. I think I am going to post my new meme and not boost it yet.  I think I will also boost milder art posts and not really hit them with the most extreme.  So that is different than what I was thinking yesterday.  I should really try for a pace that I can maintain.  It is just really motivating when the numbers come through.  But that is not all.  I do like praying for the people and hope good things for them.

Anyway I am listening to youtube because it keeps my computer online. I don't know if it is messing with my mind sometimes, seeing all the ads and having to be vigilant about guarding my feed from bad videos.

Something I am going to be praying for is an effective justice system.  We really need that for everyone and shouldn't give up on it just because activists want to demonize law and law enforcement.  I mean it just has to be salvageable.  But a lot of people don't get justice in this world.  However justice does exist.

Gice that was bad when I said I hope people can see how hard that is for me.  I mean that was a little bit selfish attention seeking but I was just saying that it seems so easy now but there are sudden moments where it isn't that easy and I have to make hard decisions with risk.

But anyway my apartment is getting messy so maybe focus on regular life sometimes and start walking.  But the cops are following me and harrassing me.  So it needs to be the treadmill.  Maybe Thursday I will clean my apartment and start the treadmill.

Well, that is all. Wow, this is a tedious play by play boring blog. Do you guys remember when it used to be a step up from that like nice writing.  Well sorry but I have to be able to journal because frankly I am lonely sometimes and my life quality took a dramatic decrease from the medicine and abuse in the past two years.  And that is a fact and nothing can be done to undo it except one mg risperdal and 600 trileptal.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. Today is Tuesday, April 29. It is 11:30 am. I woke up at 8 am today but was still tired.  But I needed to try to go to my mental health program early and thought I could leave at 10:30.  But I went back to sleep and had dreams. I dreamt about the friends I grew up with and was in a classroom being comforted because I couldn't be a teacher, and then I had an NYU dream and talked to my therapist and a new teacher, possibly because I am going to a presentation later.  And I think that my current situation with not being able to get to my program and be at therapy was the topic but I don't know. And another topic was how I wanted to be a teacher and couldn't. And Drena had three dogs with her and took me to help me go to an apartment in downtown Greenville where I would be staying, as possibly a new secret teacher.  And she unlocked it and checked inside it first.  And Drena was very nice to me in the dream and I woke up and saw a demon.

So that is interesting.  I mean I think this demon I saw is one of the portrayal demons and it could be that I saw it because of a recent interaction with a seminary person who I knew when I used to have those hallucinations a lot.

Anyway it is likely from my seizure disorder but I am signed up to go to an NYU class later so that could be it.  If I go there and it feels supernatural then I will have to revisit sometime and pray for the school.  And if it turns out that their professors have the same powers as the seminary people, then that is a good thing and we don't know how it happened except maybe Michael and Jonathan are friends. I should not say that but I thought of introducing them too late.  And it could blast some varmits away.

Anyway I am kind of a loser but I did end up at NYU probably as being sent from God as a prophet.  I mean why in the else world would I be there except maybe for the gay rights I needed or something.

I am about to drink coffee and then maybe I will feel better after taking a shower. I think my joke page and comedy career is supernatural but still with only a few jokes here and there, like I am not a powerhouse.

But anyway I think I will send two jokes around before I do the art and I hope that some people can see that it is not that easy for me to have to make decisions like that. It is within my capability and sitting around while memes share is kind of easy in some ways but there are still some challenges and this moment is one.  How I have some perfect easy gospel memes but feel that I need to share the two liberal memes and probably will in fact send them to India and risk the reception of the easy God loves you memes.  And then the timing, the blobs, I mean I am glad it is interesting but I do feel fear sometimes.

Well that is all, thanks everyone.

Coke Floats

Hello everyone. I am writing this blog post about coke floats. I am writing it in my creative writing group at nami.

Earlier I drank a coke float and it was really yummy and towards the end of it I mixed it together more to get a milkshake texture and I am wondering if I have been drinking coke floats wrong.  Several years ago, I started trying to keep the coke and ice cream more separate so there wouldn’t be as much of that fizz that you can’t really drink.  So then I would drink the coke or root beer and then eat the ice cream with a spoon. 

But if you stir it up a lot, then the coke mixes with the ice cream and the whole thing becomes more of a creamy coke flavored drink.  Is that how other people usually drink coke floats?  Does that also make the fizz go away? I am just curious because I really like coke floats and I think I have not been drinking them correctly all this time.

Hello everyone, this is Refried.  It is Monday, April 28. I think I am supposed to go to an event tomorrow that is very far away. Like literally at a place called Far Rockaway.  So I will see if I can go.  Then I have a class on what makes a book stay in the canon.  Do you guys like this popsicle image? I think it is cool. 

I am usually not that patriotic.  Should I be? I mean maybe I should but honestly I like Great Britain.

So okay. I did some more blobs today.  Possibly I will do another book, I mean I just can't stop doing the art and it could become out of control.  But I think if I do a 101st book, that is okay, and then one more, and then another threefer. 

But I will take my time. Everyone thinks I won't but I will.  I need variety on my art page. I need to do some more Jesus died for your sins posts, and some more church mice.

In fact maybe I will do that later today.

I just made a coffee for myself.  I feel good because the housing person was nice to me and I feel more stable after waking up feeling like I needed to move back to the south.  And now I once again feel like I will stay here at The Bridge in some way. If I were them I would be nicer though and try to have a better reputation and funding.

At about 5 pm I am going to go buy water from Walgreens.  I hope it goes well. I might have to wait until 7 and miss creative writing.  But I don't really want to miss creative writing and I have had all day.  So hopefully at 5.  What if we say 5:30.  Ok, 5:30.

Should I work on my novel? Maybe. I got a good amount done this weekend.

Well, that is all. Have a good day everyone.

 

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. Today is Sunday, April 27. It is my grandmother's birthday. She lived to be 98.  She participated in our family problems, unfortunately.

I just attended my online church and it was sad because we saw a video about an organization that helps slaves around the world and trafficking victims.  And it was awful but helps me pray more. I feel the power of my prayers for the world. If that is all I can do then it must be something.

I don't know if my novel is going to be good enough. I think I still need a plot element and I might have to add a science fiction section.

Last night I made another picture book of space blobs using the same prompt for each image. I like the book and it is cute but I kind of question my decision to only use one idea.  I think it turned it into a cool philosophy book with some quotes at the beginning, but some other colors and scenes might have been better.  Well do you know what I think is a solution? A sequel where I do a book like that with more variety. I think it is okay and if I have too many AI books then people can choose to ignore the AI.  And they can tell from the cover what the quality of images is.

This was my one hundredth book. I kind of think that is cool. I was happy at 99 but did think that yesterday's book was worth posting.

The sermon today was about trusting God and I am trying to trust God with the mistreatment and persecution in my life.  The three main things  are what I have already mentioned.  Some are risks to my career, which I think is the point and what is usually targeted.  Some people from mental health and housing are racist and their desire is that I would break down and say slurs and lose my audiences and writing career. And then another threat is the cops in my neighborhood who have a game to accuse me of targeting schools and being a child abuser.  This is because they are not good enough to successfully fight the real crime so they find people like me who make them seem less racist.  I am an easy target because of mental illness.  Juries often side against people like us who have schizophrenia especially, and all anyone has to say is "noncompliance."  And then finally there is the risk of suicide, which again is from most of the same bullies who torture me.  I guess the hospitals would be part of that, too.  To make themselves be places of horror to be avoided at any cost.

So I need to ask God for help with this, to accept my limitations as a human and the fact that if my case manager can't be nice to me during our one conversation each week, then maybe I will in fact call her a slur.  And if I write 100 books and no one buys them after ten years, then maybe the bad guys will succeed in framing me as someone with the opposite mission.  And finally, if people torture me to the point of truly not being able to take it, then I will simply be gone and show up to heaven as someone who forfeited a lot of my reward. I think there is an aspect of the trust described in the sermon that is different than the OCD strategy of going ahead and accepting the worst ahead of time.  I think some of it might maintain hope that God will defeat these people in some unexpected way that I can't do on my own.

But the fact that I am in a situation to be bullied by them to me puts doubt on whether God has done that before with other enemies.  The corporate sharks certainly were able to destroy a huge chunk of my ambitions and offering to the world. However there were nice people who at least saved my life, and my mom and dad who also tortured me still financially supported me. 

The other thing is that there were christian leaders who saw that I was in a snake pit and acknowledged it.  And it will be that way again.  I feel kind of bad for the people who are found to be the problem, but in the way that God let Focus on the Family fail so hard, the bad people probably do deserve their portrayal.

 Hello everyone, today is Saturday, April 26. I just went to the store to get ice cream and popsicles.  I could not resist the breyers chocolate peanut butter so I got that instead of the sherbert.  But I think it was a both/and situation and I should have also gotten the sherbert.  So I will hopefully do that tomorrow.

When it really is kind of warm, like not enough air conditioning, the sherbert milk mixup is what really makes you feel better. I mean it just really does.  But I can do a chocolate peanut butter milk shake later.  And the strawberry popsicles are yummy too.  So I think I did okay. I had to get vanilla ice cream for a coffee backup for when I run out of milk which is actually often.

Gice what do you think about the conservatives? I have mixed feelings. I think the social justice movement could have been more successful by staying winsome instead of  becoming militant. And I also think the 2016 election was where the US took a wrong turn and maybe a hilary presidency would have benefited us.  But I guess some people will hate me for saying that and I am the problem.  Well I am not.

Anyway, the next scenes of my novel are forming in my mind and I think I am right on track.  I can see the task before me that I will start soon.  A few next steps and then a disciple meeting.  Should it be on zoom.  I think it will be. I think that is funny.

So okay. I am feeling like I need some of the ice cream that I secured for myself.  Or am I still drinking coffee. I do not know. I kind of want to send some more art around facebook but I should really stick to a slow pace.  And at home I am not going to have a computer to work with.  But I could go to kinkos.

I might do a blog drop, self photo, and update for my greenville trip, and boost the post so all friends see it.  But I don't know. That will be a few days way.

How are my books doing.  I think some say it is still all hypothetical.  But Purdue just gave a shoutout.  Thanks Purdue.  

So are you guys thinking milk and chocolate peanut butter ice cream shake? I just think that is for the afternoon.  Gice some people are suffering as they get through work days but people should know that is what is behind the prosperity in this country.  There were a lot of people who got through work days that weren't easy. I was one of them until the bad fat cats did in fact ruin it in the other way people are aware of.  Anyway, that is all I will say. I just see people in my neighborhood suffering sometimes, but wow I see a lot of people not doing right. Wow some people are so racist with no reason to be so self righteous.

 Hello everyone. Today is Saturday. I had an interesting dream that made me think about other people needing help with stuff, so I will keep that in mind. 

I just listened to a recording for my writing event that I am participating in by remote. It was good and reminded me of the literary life that has faded some. But in a way, it has not faded as I type this.  And yet who I am I kidding. I am just yapping about my day, and what I heard on audio was amazing prose.

I have twelve pages done on my novel and I need to really get into it and have a plot going. I think that I will work towards having a scene that is a meeting with a lot of people. And there will need to be some social worker types who can be leaders in the ironic compassion that develops for the book.

It is shaping up in my mind. I ate a little bit of a hamburger for breakfast. I might need to go outside to cool off because of how warm it is in my apartment.  Maybe I should go buy ice cream from the grocery store.

My bank account settled down to its usual low numbers after some ups and downs last month and facebook budgeting.  I am thankful for that nice experience with Libya and India and the other countries.

I think possibly I told too many people when I could have experimented with keeping a good deed a secret.  But I felt that I should not just keep it quiet like a secret that wears at you.  So I mean I don't know. I mean am I always doing bad on that. I don't know, but it could be like fasting, where some of us just can't. So okay. It is 11 am. My meeting later is at 3 pm.  So I am thinking walk to the store and buy ice cream. I am thinking go to the key food store and get a sherbert and start doing those orange cream shakes that cool me off in the summer.

Has anyone read my other novel? I think it is kind of cool like if I have a before and after.  Sparkity Bonkins was the cashiering life, mildly quirky, and now this will be institutionalized severe mental illness. I just hope I can get it done, but I think in fact I really will. 

Well, thanks everyone, have a good day.

 Hello everyone. This is Refried. It is Friday, April 25. I am participating in a three day writers event and it is just great.  I am enjoying it a lot. So far my writing samples are doing great and getting positive feedback.  Which honestly I did not know how that would go.  Because this novel is way more journalish than my other writing. 

Tomorrow morning, I will wake up and write some more pages. Then at 3 we meet on zoom. 

I have been watching some conservative comedy videos. Personally I think those people are brave and did well and I support them.  There is a range of how funny stuff is but mostly I think they shared their true perspective and will gain respect from many sources for it. Unfortunately, some of the political problems are worse than just different perspectives.  It is a life and death crisis that will hurt young people and many vulnerable populations. 

Tonight I went to a support group and honestly I was a little too depressed to be a good participant.  I think I was tired, worried about medicine, and in an apartment that was too warm.

But I ate some ice cream and took my medicine and am okay now.  Breaking the pills in half is fine for a month or two.

The cops are following me in the neighborhood and treating me like I am some kind of predator or even a child abuser.  I know that is how they want me to feel, and I know that is the threat that seems most likely to really bother me as a children's book writer.  And the housing people have their threat to make me suicidal, and the mental health program has a strategy to be so abusive that I say slurs.  And this is the same stuff that has been happening since working at Barnes and Noble.  I do not know who can help me with it, but there is a conspiracy that sometimes shows sudden cooperation among seemingly unrelated participants.

I mailed two books today. Hopefully they will be appreciated and reach the people. I will focus on mailing out some more in the next week or so. I am glad I finally put the name on the spine and maybe it is too bad it wasn't like that before.  But maybe it is fine.

It is getting too warm again at my chair and table station where I sit at my computer. I do not know why that is, but I think I will lie down and rest for a while. Maybe I will listen to music. I listen to the same songs on repeat because I am scared of bad videos being sent to my youtube feed.

But I think I should not live in fear. I think I should do what I am supposed to and request a good pro bono lawyer if something bad happens.  Legal Aid does not usually help.  And usually it comes down to housing people abusing me and me needing the housing so I have to be bullied.  God doesn't like that.

Well, that is all for now. Thanks everyone for following along. I think there will be a break in some of the AI stuff and the book publishing and I will mostly send messages to friends who have not gotten books yet.  Really sorry about that but I think some people understand.  And maybe they will be happy to get the books with the name on the spine.

 Hello everyone, today is Thursday. I am doing okay. I almost forgot about inspection but took a walk and remembered it when I came in the building at about 6 pm.  So I cleaned my apartment and then attended an autism event.  Interestingly I was able to mark myself as LGBTQ which I normally don't label myself as.  I think in the autism community I will be able to talk about it like that because they don't have a history of treating me like crap as an evangelical.  I didn't even realize that was a factor.  But I see how I can be accepted and honest whereas I never sign up for LGBTQ stuff.  I actually don't like how it starts with an L because I don't like the L label and now the generalized term has turned into a form of that. Which in a way feels like it matches the disrespect I have gotten from a lot of people. Wow, I had no idea that I felt this way. It is interesting. It is part of a prophecy habit of telling the truth and then things don't line up with the world in a certain way.  A lot of people know what I am talking about. That is also an autism experience because of indirectness.  People force us to lie because they are the ones that can't face reality.

So that is interesting. I think for some reason I am really saying goodbye to the seminary but it is okay. I am not disaffiliating just disattending. It is hard to believe but I think it is God's plan. I think he has something else planned for my final chapter. I think maybe they know all my thoughts about it already.

I mean am I wrong, I do not know but I had a good time at the recent event.

My friend Amir died. I am sad because we did not end that well. I gave him a taco and then he was mean to me and I screamed at him to leave me alone and I think it really hurt his feelings more than I expected.

Anyway someone else made me feel bad tonight so I called my friend Wendy and felt so much better talking to her. I think the holy spirit helped her and I am happy for her. It is weird because she feels bad about some anger problems but I experienced her as a saint. So what does that mean, I do not know.

What am I going to do tomorrow? Ok I remember, I am going to a writers event online and I will work on my novel. I have set it aside and not worked on it at all.

Well have a nice day everyone, thanks for reading my blog.

Hello everyone, this is Refried. Here is a picture of an Easter surprise that I got in the mail today. It is from my friend Haley. Thanks so much Haley, it really made me happy. I will read the books.  The books are about Holy Fools. I still have another book I set aside and haven't finished yet. I believe God has made my dream come true in that category and I am thankful.  It is beyond needing affirmation for it though I do have good community support.

I just attended five minutes of a class that I found especially interesting and I might try to take a class from a teacher who attended the seminary I trust.  The person is named Ruben Rodriguez.  It is pretty funny because that is similar to the name of one of the imaginary rabbits.

I might join the lutheran church that my imaginary mouse dad's brother pastors.  Maybe only for a few days before I resume tithing to middlechurch collegiate. 

Now the question is whether I was supposed to take this whole class that Tripp Fuller is offering. Well I don't know, I mean did I just miss out and not participate enough. I do not know.  Maybe I will tune in.

Am I supposed to be outside walking right now? Should I go walk to Starbucks? Maybe I should.

Tonight I am planning to attend an autism event. I think I will send an email to Avi about it.

Ok have a good day everyone. Gice I need to accept that I am not a martyr. I got good stuff which is visions and mental illness.  And I stayed alive and I just need to not call people names and it is a good life.

I should also not be jealous of particular comedians who got a billion video views. 

I did fine at my level and there was a time where I faced addiction and immanent suicide and I stayed alive and good things happened with about three thousand friends. So I could get a reward for being satisfied instead of being a martyr. Like it could be equal to some deaths is a badge for satisfaction and gratitude.

 Hello everyone. It is about 7 oclock on Wednesday. My mental illness support group was canceled tonight. Later I am going to a presentation about book contests.  

I watched some stand up comedy today from two main conservative comics and they were very funny. I did see some lesser views about disability and race, but really they are doing great and their audiences deserve like minded jokes.  Like it was missing from entertainment for too long and God delivered. I think they might be mean to me if I get famous for books, and they possibly already are bullying me but it is hard for me to detect.  But I think I will so far give them the benefit of the doubt and maybe mail them a book sometime so they know I am not that big of a deal, and so they can think about whether to bully me or not.  I mean I think some of these people think it is better to not seem too unified, but what if we did get along, would that be so bad. I personally think it could be nice. Same with Babylon Bee.

Other people are saying I should not align myself with the bad side but other people treat me like I already have no matter what I do.  Like they treat me like I walked into social work school wearing a Klan hood.

Maybe that is some material if I want to do some jokes sometime.  People are telling me to take another stand up comedy class anyway and I do miss it. Too bad I chose some less funny jokes last time but that Billy Graham joke is classic and a zinger.

Earlier I cooked some perogis and it was yummy. I made a sauce for it. I think the sauce possibly took over the meal a little bit. Like when I tasted the potatoes, I was like what is that.

Ravneet helped me know what to do for a few days and I had a good time. I am thankful and I hope I can get through the next few days without feeling a let down feeling from the facebook surge being over.

I think I will mail a few books out or something.

What do you gice think about the new two? I personally don't know if they were necessary and I hope I can feel confident about giving them.  The Library Book was really something I liked to give, but even it had that squawky essay at the beginning that I felt sheepish about sometimes.

But Writers Digest sent me a message yesterday supporting me. So maybe that is what it is about.

Thanks Writers Digest.

Really I don't know who is reading this blog.

Well, thanks again everyone. I am getting back to normal on prayers for hospitals and other friends.

 Hello everyone, today is Wednesday, April 23. I have therapy at 3 pm. Before that I go to my mental health program. I will probably go there at about noon. So I have an hour and a half left.

My art and poetry page is now at a million views. It is a happy blessing in my life and one of my main experiences, with thousands of people in India, Pakistan, Libya, and other places to be friends with in heaven. They are so sweet and I hope God does other stuff for them.  I pray for them some and will need to revisit it in my mind whenever possible.

Thanks everyone who has helped me get through these recent weeks which were weirdly tiring but without enough exercise.

It's actually a lot of people who help me so when there are facebook numbers, if you match it up one on one, the work is attributed pretty quickly as a crowd to crowd effort.  Which is how it should be, though obviously God is the one helping everyone.

So anyway, I also got good messages from Ravneet and she likes me and is not mad.  

Soon I need to go get my rent check before the money disappears from my account. I think that will be tomorrow or Friday.

Well, that is all. I hope I can sell some books soon. It is interesting to see the old work on my facebook page and the contrast with the easy stuff I did with AI.  I am not hurt at all, I got plenty of likes for the poetry, and I could share poems another time somewhere.

Have a great day everyone.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is 11:39 pm on April 21. Today I went to a luncheon and workshop at Princeton Theological Seminary where I recently unsubscribed to emails. It was one of the most fun days I have ever had. The people were some of the nicest people I have ever met and our conversations at lunch were really fun. A lot of people were from Witherspoon Presbyterian Church and were friends with someone named Shirley. There was a lecture later and it was all stuff I did not know.

I woke up at 6:30 am and wasn't dragging at all and felt alert and motivated to attend. I had a great time. 

I also saw Dayle who is good at making demons go away, and I met the president of the seminary who is just a genius, it is neat and you don't realize that's what it is at first because the personality is so lovable.

So that was great. I hope I did not hurt anyone when I unsubscribed. I think it will be okay and maybe I will mail Jonathan a book soon.

Also today my memes are reaching people in some of my favorite countries and I hope those people are blessed. I think God is helping a lot of people in this world every day.

Well, that is all. I am tired but it could be the coffee. I haven't seen any visions yet but probably I will as the actual event wears off over the next couple of days.

Have a good day everyone, thanks for reading my blog.

 Gice the numbers on my two posts are awesome, I am thankful. It is only a dollar each so far but it is going great. Facebook said they forgive me for complaining and criticizing them relentlessly. I just miss my facebook friends and think they tightened up sharing too much.

But this is a good experience and changes my whole outlook in some ways like for all my life.

So I am thankful. But that is how I used to feel on facebook a lot and it seemed like it was taken away. But some of that might have been from the conspiracy and sub conspiracies after creative writing school.

So anyway I noticed some of my comments and reactions aren't that good.  But other people can be good at that and I did okay sometimes.  I was myself and said what I really would say to the people.  However an audience does change it some. Like I can't just concede politely to the unitarians when they are pushy. That is what I would do in real life but with other people looking on you need to set the record straight.

Anyway, I need to keep praying for everyone out there and I am prepared to be exhausted after a few days of it.  Because it is a different exhaustion than AI exhaustion or publishing.  And maybe it will make me feel better about being so freaking lazy and not walking enough.

While I am apologizing I would also like to say sorry to the mental health people I was mean to yesterday on my blog. I did unpost it but I expect to feel that way sometimes and it is a very serious thing to lose all my participations.  That is a severe lowering of quality of life, and it is traced back to emotional abuse that should not have happened.

Anyway thanks everyone. I think America would like that felt art post too but maybe another time.

 Hello everyone. This is Refried. It is 10:12 pm. I boosted two more posts. I think it went well and I hope the posts reach a lot of people in a good way.

I decided to try to go to the event tomorrow and just not be a selfish jerk.  In some ways it might be too late but it might be too late for them too. So I will just go and meet and greet.

Right now I feel good and I can feel the holy spirit but I still feel some spiritual warfare. But that is probably a good thing. It was just rough yesterday and possibly tonight I will feel it too. It is a little bit different from the jokes page.  And honestly I feel a little bit of a bad feeling behind it sometimes.

Sometimes that bad feeling means do something different, but I feel peaceful about my choices.  The only thing I question is having so many Jesus died for your sins memes at the beginning of the page.  But that is just how it wound up, and I said on the page that I was just prepping the page to send memes later.

Also I question slightly the way the page says art and poetry by refried bean and now has a lot of AI.

But I think it is okay and in a way it could be good to look bad if this is God's work in some way.  Like it is good to not promote myself successfully.

And I think I did associate myself properly in the way we are told. That is something I used to worry about when I was younger, but a lot of times our opportunities are limited for not being ashamed of God in public. I mean I hate to word it like that, and some of it could turn out to literally be just like middle school where it is supposed to be like that a little bit.

Anyway now I will rest some. I feel that obsession through the computer a little bit like with the books.

Hopefully I will have peace of mind. Today at MCDonalds during that song, the spiritual warfare stopped, like I was not alone in it and felt relief.  But it is okay. It is mostly mild and just means pray and that is why God made it be like that.

So anyway thanks everyone, it is fun to do the best I can and I am aware that there are still problems and suffering everywhere.

 Hello everyone.  This is Refried. It is Sunday, April 20 at a out 4 pm. I just got back from walking to Mcdonald's and Starbucks. And I bought some milk. Ravneet texted with me when I was at Starbucks and we had a good time. She said maybe send her some posts online on instagram sometime.

I will try to do that. I love Ravneet. She is a good person and girlfriend.

So okay. What do you think about my art page. I could use some steady encouragement, especially at night. I just felt like go ahead and prep the posts. And be transparent about my intentions.

Gice I got triggered by a graphic description of the crucifixion yesterday.  But this morning, my normal church was really good. Maybe I should stick with my church and not eavesdrop on other churches.

I was thinking about returning to middlechurch but I don't know. What will I do with tithe.  I am thinking tithe to middlechurch and then show up occasionally as a visitor.

So anyway I also called my mom and that went well.

I am signed up to go to an event tomorrow but I don't know if I can.  I feel ambivalent because of lower amounts of supernatural experiences and love at the location in question. And it is just so hard to make the trip when I feel low motivation, which is my new medicated state.

Does anyone have any opinions or advice about it?  

I might need to ask my girlfriend what she thinks I should do.  She is the one who told me to sign up.

Well anyway, the numbers on my ads are okay. I weirdly am getting more page visits instead of likes on the striped room image.  That is okay with me. 

Ravneet said she got some book sales that went through recently. I think I should do a video soon if I am able to. But I also need to promote some books.

Well, that is all for now, have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Sunday, April 20 at 10 am. I had a good dream this morning where I went to church and sang in the choir and the choir hugged me.  But there was some kind of issue too, where someone had a ny giants sweatshirt and had a problem of some sort and I was trying to relate to them because I like the giants and then there was a musical performance and someone kind of took over the video and knocked over the table. Like for a music video. So that was interesting

I erased those two posts where I complained about my medicine but there will be many more incidents like that because people did hurt my life and the losses are in progress.  And people are telling themselves it is okay and I am okay but it is not okay. My life is ruined.

Some people are like haha, I did not need social activities anyway. But I did and I worked hard and had good reasons for my participation and so did the organizations.  And now it is messed up either way.

Anyway I am listening to a Mark Lowry presentation and it is kind of interesting.

I will try to recover from last night when I got triggered.  Some of it might be spiritual warfare because I do feel that from my facebook ads pretty bad. So I need to make sure I am doing right about that.

Monday I probably won't be at that lecture event but maybe I will, I don't know.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried.

It is Saturday before Easter at about 9 pm. I hope people have a good easter. I had some good prayers and felt close to God some. Well maybe that means I should still be praying.

But I just checked to see how my new ad is doing and it is doing well.  It is getting one in three likes which is my highest ratio so far I think.  However I think that the reach might be lower than it could be considering I chose about 7 countries to send to. I think it is going to reach about 140 thousand people.  So maybe that is good. Maybe it will be slightly higher.

I understand if they limit me some because of the religious posts, because some of the countries have other prevailing religious cultures and I am an outsider.

But for this post, it is just colorful cubes with googly eyed smiles. It is cool art and I think they will like it.

And I boosted a US post, too, and hopefully people will like it as well.  Maybe 400 likes is the goal.

I guess just pray for people.

I am sad because I missed a Mensa games event but I will try again this summer. I mean I just didn't do well and they tried to accommodate me but last time was kind of weird because I genuinely couldn't find the building and thought they did it on purpose. And then last Sunday there was another meeting that was easier and I forgot about it.  I should have known and kind of did but was distracted. I think I was working on book projects.  And was it questionable, not really. I think the books turned out good.

I got some secret messages from Ravneet. I think I might get to see her in person soon.

Am I going to go to the lecture event monday? I think maybe I will.  I already paid for it so why not?

But they might be mad at me.

Gice I feel bad because I missed the games event. I mean maybe people wanted to be friends with me.

But maybe it is clinically significant to have three lost associations this spring. I mean sorry but that is the Latuda. It just is, and no one can deny it. 

But I think it is also the mean people at my mental health program. I think that made a difference, too.

I mean actually I lost four associations: New York Cares, Princeton Seminary, NYU Faces, and Mensa.

That is a lot to not be able to do. And it could be that VCFA is next.

And then what does Ravneet get, a blob.

gice honestly I think the reach is low. I think it should be around 200,000.  And it is going to be much less and I question that.  But it is still a good opportunity and bargain. It just makes me also wonder if the likes are real or if they are automating everyone's profiles.

 Hello everyone. It is Saturday at about 7pm. Tomorrow is Easter. I hope people have a good time and some good meals. And I hope the grownups get some stuff for their kids.  Kids need an easter basket. 

That reminds me to go to swiss colony and buy something for my sister's family.

I will do that now. I think my internet is restored.

Does anyone disagree about the art? I just feel like doing one more single post instead of always doing three at a time. I think variety is good so you aren't like a one thing thing but I also like the one at a time pace for this page. 

Any thoughts. I do not know I am thinking cubes, then the groundhog and balloon, and then the yellow blob, and as a series, not all at one time.

So maybe soon the cubes, I mean should I try to roll that through right now? I do not know.

I was thinking do that tomorrow.

I feel good about not going for a threefer.

And not doing the plate even though it turned out kind of cool and is a good sign.

I think this is a hand off to other people who would be overjoyed to have a page like this. I mean I myself am, though cautiously because it could be taken away or censored, but I am saying just think of those people in the south who are trapped in impoverished church communities and they could get AI to do some cool graphic design that they send overseas.  I mean that is me, here in the Bronx. But I am 47 so let's not always think about myself.

 Hello everyone, today is Saturday. It is almost 7 pm. I stayed inside all day. I talked to my friend Philip on facetime.  And I worked on my art and poetry page for facebook. 

I posted about ten or fifteen new images.  I included some "God loves you" images, and "Jesus died for your sins." I just noticed a rabbit foot is messed up so I might erase one of the church images. I will see how I feel about all of it.  It makes a difference when people hit like.  I am getting zero shares without paying.  So I think this is how facebook moved to a pay to share program and you can boost just to your friends so I might have some patience with it instead of criticizing them all the time.

I think for some reason I am going to just send one more art meme to other countries and it will be the colorful cube picture. But facebook might reduce my numbers because of the religious posts. 

But I think it is good to have some stuff like that. And other people might do well to work on pages like that instead of just the same arguing that a lot of times is the main discussion. I mean in a way that is not true but I mean truly sharing with an outside audience. I think the way it happened might make some sense, though, the fact that there was a church with social walls and it wasn't that easy to invite people.

So let's think.  Do I do three religious posts or another art image? I am thinking for some reason do another single art image.  The cubes. That is the one I wanted to send around before. I think it is okay.

But I might wait until tomorrow.

I think this isn't a big deal. It is just facebook and there is a lot of sin mixed in so don't get too proud.

 here is a good rendition of the easter story:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pNJJMcFEhKI

i mean in case people haven't ever been taught

 Hello everyone, how are you doing. It is about noon on Saturday. There are probably a lot of Easter egg hunts today.  When I was a kid, I went to a public Easter egg hunt and there were eggs scattered all over the grass and I didn't understand why they weren't hidden so i just stood there trying to figure it out and all the kids scrambled to get the eggs and I was not able to get any at all.  There was a similar situation another time with a pinata, which I have already mentioned. 

But I am okay, I have had plenty of candy in my life.

Last night I watched a movie online with some nice people from a MC McDonald get together. The movie was called Group Therapy and it was a group interview with comedians and I loved it. It was right exactly my interests and people that I like.  Comedians talking about their hard lives and telling funny jokes as well.  One guy lives in New York I think. Way to go Gary.

So that was really cool. That was my first real group movie in about fifteen years.

People are helping me have a good Easter and I don't know why.  I hope I see Ravneet soon.

Today is kind of blank so far. I need to take out the trash. Maybe I will take a walk.

I found out yesterday that one of my nieces is working for Jersey Mikes subs.  That is so yummy and great. I think she will do great but work is not easy. She is only like 16 years old and it is hard to believe she is driving. But she has her own car so is working. Way to go Elise. Also happy Easter to Claire and Cheyenne, I am about to order something for them all.

I read over my comedy routines after the show and I did okay but I am not a career stand-up comedian.  I do not think it was cruelly something that almost happened.  I am definitely that profile of person but chose to be a creative writer and my facebook page with memes was also good comedy participation.

So I am thankful. I mean I am truly disabled with conditions that did take their toll. The autism held me back before the mental illness and wow the mental illness was always the kicker.

But I do pray for funny people a lot. I pray for them to get to be funny and successful.  Because funny people are a certain type of person and it is not that easy.  And we can really be tortured by boredom and loneliness.  I mean everyone can but there is something about needing to make jokes that is different.

Well, have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. I am watching an epilepsy presentation that I missed and it is great. It is on seizure safety. Honestly seizure conditions are too complicated for me to understand. There are auras, focal and generalized, and all kinds of other systems that get jolted. So how can anyone understand it. Well I do not know.

This person is saying to have a plan for incidents.

I like having seizures sometimes. It makes me feel better. But they might say that the sick feeling is also a seizure.

I am having a nice easter. I oddly have had a casual version of almost every dish at easter. A ham sandwich, deviled eggs, macaroni and cheese, jello fluff salad, coke, coffee, and Cadbury mini eggs.

This presentation is excellent, sorry I missed it.

But this is nice listening to it right now.

Tonight is movie night with the Joy Reset book club. It is a movie I want to see. It has comedians in it. 

Well that is all, have a good weekend everyone.

 Hello everyone, I talked to my doctor's office and they said I could and should just take 600 like normal.  So that is a relief and I am not going to the hospital. I had kind of come around to being accepting of it but at the hospital I suspect they would have also done a medicine power play.  And which hospital would it be, I do not know.  The interesting thing is that I could tolerate either hospital and that is because I don't need to go to the hospital.

So hopefully I will have a nice night. Maybe I will make a cake if I have cake mix. Actually I have that brownie mix leftover so maybe that is what I will do. I hope it did not go bad. I do not need an ocd scenario where I don't know if the food is edible.

So okay I just mailed an easter present to the kid of my friend who died. I send something every year. Christmas and Easter.  I sent a new blob book, some koosh fidget toys, some mechanical pencils, and candy.  Pretty good candy, sweetarts, m and ms, skittles, kit kat, root beer barrels, green apple candy, and a chocolate bunny. I think it was a good enough easter surprise.  Kind of not cool how I was running late.

Soon I will send something from Swiss Colony to my sister's family.

So I am still on schedule to go to Connie's writing weekend.  Will I go to the other event in June? Maybe.  I am starting to be more disabled though and had paranoia at the end of the grad conference last summer. I thought my teacher and some other people were wiccans and had a meeting and cast spells on me.

Sorry if that hurts any real wiccans, I mean there is such a thing as bad religion either way.

So anyway I don't know if I should have kept that to myself because I think some people would find it comical.  I kind of do myself because my teacher is kind of like a literary character so it is funny. 

 Hello everyone, today is Thursday, April 17, and it is 11:30 pm. I just made deviled eggs and it was an absolute success.  Very yummy though I will now have asthma for a while because eggs are allergic to me.

Before that I did laundry because I think I am being sent to the hospital tomorrow.  I am going there myself.  It is peaceful so far but there was a medicine mistake that I think was on purpose.

However we don't know. It could have been a real mistake but I think my therapist is in on it. I think everyone thinks I need to go to the hospital because I have been attacked by Satan recently.  And at certain levels you treat it as psychosis even if it is real. I mostly agree and the hospital has done well before with that so I can give them a chance.  Overmedicating the trileptal is not okay though, which is the current medicine mistake.  So hopefully it will be okay. Will I be glad to stay out of the hospital if they fix it? Hmm I don't know.  At this point I am now expecting to stay there a while.

Maybe this is when I see Ravneet. I just feel bad because I did not lose weight but I am on track for it in the future and I think the conspiracy thought I should get to eat whatever I want during my singleness.

But sorry Ravneet if that is a plan. Also Ravneet don't feel scared or shy if you have to come visit me in the hospital. But I am kind of scared of that but they know that.  Maybe it will be a text or email.

It is also possible that I will find out that Ravneet is a delusion.  I think I can get through it if that is true. However I question some chains of events and interventions if this is the best people could do.

Anyway I think we will treat it as a manic episode, evidenced by the excessive writing on this blog, the unsubscribing from seminary emails, the publication of ten books in one month, the hallucinations of demons, and the evil power that was real and bothered me for a whole week. I can be patient with that, though I really believe my medicine should be decreased and not increased.  This might not be a good experience. I guess let's see what happens tomorrow.

Now it is 11:42. When will I take my medicine. Maybe at 1 a.m.

I think I did well and took it every day for over a month without fail.  That should be good enough.

What if Dr. Kotin says ok only 600.  It is not her choice.  The neurology prescription is for 600. If they do 1200 that is not fair because I have not had any seizures or mood spells.

Have a good night everyone.

email about medicine mistake

 Hi Dr. Kotin, this is Refried Bean. I just cleaned up my apartment for inspection and found that they filled a prescription for two 600 mg trileptal but i am supposed to be on two 300 mg pills.  1200 is way to much for me and possibly unsafe. I used to just be on 300 a day and it was raised to 600 in recent years. I used to take two 150s.

I was wondering if you can send a note for me to show my caseworker allowing me to take one 600 (I have to break it in half.) 

Also, breaking it in half is still hard to swallow so really i need the two 300s instead. And the prescription is supposed to be from Dr. Gokhan for seizures. My seizures are under control and she saw one happen and be controlled with medication. Her prescription is listed at CVS but insurance won't pay for it again this month.

I think I can go by Dr. Gokhan's prescription even using this container of meds but I thought it would be better to be consistent because the housing people force me to go by the exact prescription or they torture me and send me to north central bronx.

If I need to go there to fix this prescription I can, but I think that is wasteful and wanted to see if you can just reply to this message for me to show Yara at the Bridge or Karla on Sunday. To say break it in half and take two halves for 600 total per day. Even that is a choking risk for me but I can do it for a month, I can't do 1200 for a month.  That does not match the neurology treatment.

Thanks a lot

from Refried Bean

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. I went to the 7-11 and got some bread and a coffee. Now I have to clean my apartment for inspection. I already took the trash out.  Next thing is dishes and bed. And put clothes in cart in bathroom.  And tidy up table and one more bag of trash. Coke cans. I can do it. I might wait until 6 o'clock to even get started.

I felt better this afternoon and appreciate the help from mental health program. However I still don't think there should be a network of people being mean to me for three years.

I have not made deviled eggs yet today. But I think I was well motivated to walk to 7-11. I wonder if I end up making the eggs at about 9 o'clock tonight. What am I doing tomorrow? Nothing. So the main thing I need to do is inspection. What if I did two or three things right this second. I think I will do that.

Have a good day everyone. Are you guys mad at me for blogging too much. Well I am sorry.  The conspiracy told me to pray for people's family problems and child abuse so I will do that but a lot of people will have a nice easter with good food and candy.

 Ok everyone, later I am probably going to go to 7-11 and buy some bread if they have some.  So I can make a ham sandwich or two or three for Easter.  I have eggs too and am going to make deviled eggs. And I have some jello salad left. So that is a nice Easter.  

There were plenty of nice people today: Jackie, Courtney, and Danielle.  So I am kind of sorry for that other negative post but it was Raul and Hannah who made me feel bad on purpose. 

I guess I could have stayed and finalized the switch from Clarence to Angel as case worker. Maybe they thought I would.  But it is okay.

I hope I can read some notes sometime because I like reading mental health notes.

Today I got a pack of peeps from Walgreens and a ginger ale.

Maybe I will try to read my new book that came in.

If people want free copies I need messages and requests. This Latuda slows me down on anything requiring motivation. I am shocked to see people make excuses for it.

Frankly I could go back to program if I decide to go to Westchester Square for the bread. But I am going to 7-11. I miss the Stop and Shop. That was one of the main losses I experienced in life. 

Well, that is all.  Have a nice day everyone.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. I am at my mental health program. I just finished half a walk with Danielle’s walking group. Now I am here mostly with the bad staff people who are mean to me. It is quite a snake pit here sometimes.

I found out today that I forgot to attend some autism events. I will try to do better on April 24 and 30th.

Definitely I am on the decline and have done most of what I can for people.

Today I got my sample copies of my new book called Notions and Emotions. It turned out great and I hope my choice to include the canva art works out.

Yesterday my mood dropped for my Nami meeting and I was not as helpful as usual. Sorry about that everyone. There are a lot of newly diagnosed mentally ill people in the spring. It is so sad how many people are tortured in New York, and some people get the worst of it in jail.

I need to report something to the police but have to wait until I can go to 34th precinct because the Bronx cops treat me like garbage.

I have different social status here because I am in mental illness housing so they see me as someone with no rights.

The thing I need to report is really about other people though. So I feel bad for that poor showing from NYC.

Well, that is all for now, my health seems fine. I had a spell of fear last night because of the fire drill. It is because some of my mental problems are directly from abuse at the Bridge, inc.

Well, that is all. I will need to keep some stuff to myself.

 Hello everyone, today is Wednesday, April 16. I just made an orange jello salad.  So I think they are saying today is Easter for me. And I saw a cute Herdy Herdwick video earlier. That is the sheep I like on Instagram.  The conspiracy is still really helping me a lot and I am sorry for my grumbling.

So let's discuss this new meme.  I feel like I might have to share it at some point but hope I don't.  I mean maybe it is up to me but I could see how maybe I am a reluctant prophet on this one.

But for now I have no intentions of sending that to India.  Will I send perhaps the christianity post to some countries, and the lamb and one more.  Maybe I don't need to make rules for myself saying I have to do all three to northern africa at one time.

I am so excited about my new hobby of sending art overseas for good numbers.  I think that is how I got monetized and I am so sorry I was ungrateful.  It just seemed like a trick but I think I see how it could save me exactly 30 thousand dollars which was the dream salary that I felt I got teased with.

Maybe I will send some of my marker drawings but it could hurt my feelings to not get a lot of likes.  But I think I could get about 7000 likes and then maybe they could say "I could do that," which is one of my goals.

So today my case manager said she likes the show price is right. Well that goes a long way with me. It is also one of my favorite shows. 

Ravneet, are you reading this? Ravneet I hope you have a good week this week. Ravneet do you want me to cook you some appetizers sometime? If so, send me a message somehow.

 Ok everyone, I have to give up on the donation. I will do some memes instead. Maybe in a few days. Not memes but art.

Am I supposed to do some christianity memes for easter. I actually could but think in some ways, I already reached everyone so if it's not new material then maybe don't do it.

I don't think the children would have had an easter egg hunt with my donation and now aren't going to.  That is how I felt but I think it is not like that and I simply can't use Western Union properly.

So okay. Now what. It is about 3 pm. I just miss my girlfriend a lot and sometimes feel lonely.  But it could be much worse and I just am thankful to not be in the hospital.

Maybe I will google schizophrenia stories or research about epilepsy. I wish I could see some more visions but maybe not too many is the goal.

Ok I erased some politics.  Avoid the news, block the facebookers, retreat into a world of imaginary animals. That is all anyone needs from me.

Well, have a nice day everyone.

 Hello everyone, today is Wednesday, April 16. I took a walk and ate lunch at a Thai restaurant. It was really yummy. Then I came home and was trying to send some money through Western Union and was not able to.  I always have trouble with passwords, etc. I think there is a problem with low internet. It might be scrambled by my housing place.  Which is an interesting legal situation because I pay for internet.

Anyway the reason I suspect that is because it is low and because one of the bad people just knocked on my door to see if I needed an exterminator.  They do their cluster intrusions like that so it is possible.

But I do not know.  I wish Ravneet could go to the restaurant with me but the people said it is not safe.

I successfully sent around the meme and we are on schedule for about 20 thousand likes.  That is less than the praying mice. So I will keep doing church mice, too.  But I need to add some other countries: Botswana, Namibia, Zambia, and Angola.  Definitely I like providing content in the way that I am. It is a worthwhile hobby as other things slip away.

Well, I will try again to do the Western Union. It is a little late but people made certain choices and it did affect the timing and motivation.

 Hello everyone, today is Wednesday, April 16. I just posted a meme on this blog.  Frankly I think it is rather quotable. Sometimes when I have a quote like that, though, I suspect it won't be attributed to me. But it is okay. God told me he is proud of me for not caving into social pressures to please people instead of him.  And it is interesting because I am a groveling people pleaser just to survive, but I think behind that is a goal to please him and actually a terror, and it is what is right.  And that will be how it is for a lot of people. God got a lot done at this turn of them millennium but wow it was pretty nasty.

Now some more stuff is happening that has more to do with the middle east than some people realize.  And what does that tell you. An attack from the underworld.

My internet is really slow this morning. I was going to try to re-send that meme but I might not be able to.  Facebook is loading so slowly. I do not ever like seeing the word facebook capitalized. They took too much from us.  But wow it was a blessing for a long time. Not very transparent, though. Probably a hundred billionaires and we do not know who they are, after they insultingly handed us Sheryl Sandberg as a mascot. From a company with a hundred thousand people. And then took away our friends.

I want to not be negative but they really hurt me.

Anyway maybe I will use my phone for the ad but I don't know. I possibly should figure out if it is even possible to do it right without paying the apple fee.

I mean what are we just going to pile up tolls for everything we do, from the companies with corporate power?  That is a trick from the self-righteous north.  Like layers of fees on every point of transaction in our lives. 

Well, that is all for now. I guess I will try to use my phone for the ad.

 

 Hello everyone, it is 11:56 pm on Tuesday, April 15.  Soon I need to take my medicine. I could take it in five minutes and probably will. I was going to send some art around facebook to other countries and it was starting to deliver but I checked the ad and saw that the "ad creative" option was selected, which allows facecrook to ruin the design of your ad.

So I sent in a correction and waited three hours and it still wasn't approved.  And I know they did it on purpose just to be jerks.  So I canceled the ad. 

Hopefully I can try again sometime.  I will probably use different art and this post might not ever be sent.  Which doesn't really matter, it is just a blob art and facebook has kind of been cheapened so it is no longer a true social experience but just media trash.  And I am sure it is that way to some extent in other countries too.  However I was going to send some nice art and be happy for a few days.  

It is hard to do the ads right on my phone because it is not straightforward.  It could be because I am using the website and not the app.  But if I use the app, I get charged an "apple fee" for using my phone.  What a bunch of jerks.

I should take my medicine now and try to go to sleep but I don't think I will be able to sleep for a while. So maybe I should try to think and feel better and then take the medicine.  But I think I will take the medicine and it is becoming a habit to take it right when I think about it.  I am left in a bad mood with several specific persecutors who made me feel bad in recent days on purpose.

But vengeance is mine says the lord, he will call them the slurs and maybe already has.

 Hello everyone, am I getting on everyone's nerves with my excessive blog posts?  Are any of my books selling? I hope so because they are nice books.  

Soon I need to promote some other books on my page. About five books from friends. I hope I don't forget people. It just takes time. I hope my ad is approved soon.  This art page is very under the radar and I might have just now put it at risk to mention it.

Today at mental health program I found out that I might get a new worker.  I think that will be good.  And Danielle made me feel better but she still seems mad. I need to talk to her again.  Some for her sake so I know she is also okay from the fall out.

This past weekend I ate ten ice creams and I am really sorry about it. 

I bought some cookies today and might eat some soon and have a third coffee.  A third coffee is a bit much but you have to live a little.

Well, I think that is all the blogging I need to do.  Thanks Drena for helping me today and Tami, too.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Tuesday, April 15. Earlier I went to a good complex minds meeting but we were missing a few people. I can't send a message to Ravneet right now because she has a meeting on Tuesdays. My friend Heather Dunn posted some nice material on facebook and it was about being in proper awe of God.

I sent an artwork to an international audience but had to redo it because of not clicking to make sure facebook didn't ruin it with their "ad creative." They mess up people's ads on purpose sometimes.

Then on my phone it did not reassure me that it was only facebook and instagram.  I do not advertise through messenger and have always found that program to be a power hungry controlling feature.

My therapist had a secret message for me today saying it is peeps season.  She is saying I have a lot of minister friends.  I think that is nice and inclusive of people.  Because frankly I made my choice to be a cashier. But possibly I am a secret chaplain. I was always trying to pray in a way that would allow me to be judged as a monk in heaven.  Like I could get a mild C rating but instead of it being as a bookseller, I would be a monk from possibly a good monastery overseas.

But I think what we are looking at is a secret mental illness chaplain, which frankly I am cut out for. And it is secret because we are trying to directly defeat the actual hallucination material that people have in hospitals.  I think I get it.  Maybe I am not supposed to say it.  I mean I don't know.  But I think of all the twenty pretend jobs that I believe I might secretly have, that is the one that I can actually do full time.  I can just pray and pray. I think the main thing to point out that God has done is that my prayers are for crowds and strangers, because none of us know what troubles are out there in people's lives of suffering.  

Well, that is all. I mean am I not supposed to say it. It is kind of scary. Because we really did switch up the hospitals to keep everyone safe and I saw a vision of a half demon, and a hyacinth, and had seizures when I googled Islam.  Right in front of my doctor and she checked to see if the medicine worked.  And the staff is mostly carribean and that is where I did the mission trips that made me get manic and go to Bellevue.

Well, that is all. Definitely now we have a Herod figure doing his thing, but I still have hope that the innocence from that side of politics will play out in some way. Like I know a lot of those people who vote that way actually do mean well.  And the north doesn't want to believe it, but millions of people do what they are supposed to and voted their conscience. I will not pretend I believe otherwise.

 Frankly I think that was a good blog post. Like I am obviously an amateur but still had a point.

Last night, two demons were exposed. It probably means they are captured. One of them looked like a tall female dark crystal muppet and one looked like a thinner Marilyn Manson. I think the second one was a major authority who attacked me through my family in my twenties.  It wasn't just them, though. It was illness and medicine, a corporation, and all kinds of stuff.  The dark crystal muppet seemed also like she was from star trek and was going to be on a talk show.  Those perceptions are often part of interpreting it.

I think still out there is whatever zapped me in college, and wrenched me to not do young life anymore.  That felt more all-encompassing, but I would be curious if there are some specific varmits to confront.

Anyway, life turned out cool and I am thankful for what went right.  I mostly am glad I stayed alive except for when I get abused by my mental health programs. Like I just didn't survive 20 years of depression and mania just to be a punching bag for other patients who generally never cared and never will. Or worse than that, for arrogant workers who need fake power to make them feel like they have some kind of worth other than my charity for still existing.

Anyway, thanks goes out to the nice people who got rid of the demons. It really changes me in some way, to see the love that matches the love in the bible, and to think that is the worthwhile endeavor more than winning some progress in societal scaffolding of vain and futile competition. People will still judge me for trying to participate in anything, but I know I overwhelmingly did what I was supposed to, with other paths to meaning absolutely blocked permanently upon any sign of my real self.

 Hello everyone, it is Tuesday, April 15. I hope everyone got their taxes done. Yesterday I got confirmation that Medicaid had changed my gender to gender nonconforming.  That is a year after I saw them change it in their computer.

I am reading terrible news about how Trump is not bringing back accidental deported citizens despite court orders.  Maybe that will help him get impeached sooner but I don't know.

I just want to say that what is happening is also what the democrats chose for their policy.  To harbor as many immigrants as possible without actual citizenship so the republicans would get rid of everyone later and be the nazis the democrats already wanted them to be, and only wanted that, more than justice itself.

There was never enough respect for the immigrants or the country to make legal citizenship the goal, and as for the immigrants, many of them also never respected american law or had any intention of paying taxes.  That is why Puerto Rico is not a state yet, and it is because of both them and the US: A mutual treaty to be in limbo as a dirty gamble that hurts children most of all.

We had thirty years to accommodate people, and most of them had time for some kind of adaptation as well. Our government selfishly bickered and now people will die.  Some of it will be Americans, too.

I doubt the side that is grieving to have lost the election will do that much about it except keep squawking, but possibly this is when America splits up.  

I am pretty much done keeping up, I have said all my thoughts and my books sit unread as a cruel hatred from basically who else, but Barnes and Noble customers who bullied me to death anyway.  

God is now giving me reminders to please him instead of people, and I would say that is all that is left, because I am surrounded by racist monsters.

 Hello everyone. I just attended a middle church lent meeting.  It was nice. Possibly I will attend again sometime but I do not know for sure.  I might attend online. I mean maybe just let myself be disabled and meet online sometimes at places. I mean will the like me, maybe. They will know I am a gay evangelical.

So anyway it was good but our group didn't do very well.  We were supposed to discuss injustices in the world and I complained about facebook.  But it is a real thing. But still kind of selfish.

However I will be praying for all those nice people.

People probably think I am daydreaming sometimes when really I am praying.

However my sleep schedule is suspiciously off.

So interestingly I think God likes this book I just published.  I do not really know why and what would make it any different from other books but I felt his love and approval this weekend and some drama as to this moment in my life.  And I genuinely don't know why.  And I just recently figured out I am probably not a seal like one of those 144,000 people in revelation.  I feel like it was a possibility but I am now reality checking it and planning to use it for humor. 

The other theological breakthrough for me is a renewal of my understanding that God and his ways are unfathomable and beyond what we can request through prayer. I just felt that to really give it my all I needed to aspire to request anything God does, and it is better to know that I can't and he is more thoughtful than my little prayer life.  And that is good news is that he likes me more than I can dream up over eternity. So that is nice.

Some people are like "it's about time," but I have reasons for my mental work and it does pay off sometimes. And people judge me for not reading the new testament very frequently but you can do a lot of mental work and then read one verse somewhere and get a miracle and that is what I have either chosen to do or been forced to do through what actually has been some exclusion sometimes.

Anyway, that is a long story. I like middlechurch. I feel like I should have listed Amanda in this recent book but maybe it is enough that I listed her other times. And maybe it was Jillian's turn because Jillian really helped me have a happy easter.

Thanks middlechurch, see you online hopefully and maybe a visit to the church soon!

 It is soon time to go to my mental health program but I decided to drink some coffee. I need to get some ones and fives so I can tip at dunkin donuts.  It is really unacceptable that I haven't don't that already and the workers have suffered. I am really sorry, it is one of my life regrets but I can still hopefully fix it.

I don't have a lot of life regrets because I do the best I can and learned that regret is usually from depression and people make the best decisions they can at the time.

As for this blog I have to express myself in a way that could reach at least someone and I can't maintain "try-outs" behavior for fifteen years.  That is not appropriate and people who think it is are going to be confronted about it someday.  I am always kept in that interview-first day on the job status limbo and how cruel is that for an autistic person? I mean it is hard to believe but people think they can get away with it because I am single, because my gender is messed up, because I am religious, and most of all, depressed.

The glee is what is most shocking. 

Anyway some people did see it and help me so let's be thankful.  I mean in the end, who was it? A lot of people in various ways.  I don't take stuff for granted just because someone is wrong about random stuff.

So anyway, that is all.  My book is publishing.  I am so thankful for this random credit increase because it becomes a budget for some books.  But I don't know who still needs one. I think my friend Michael Flynn and maybe some other people.

I didn't do well with the trolls, did I? I trolled back.  Sorry about that and I also forgot to point out that ten thousand people weren't trolls.  So that is nice.

Well, have a good day everyone. It is good that I got the train tickets. Hopefully I can go visit Columbia somehow.  Greyhound should have a trip between Greenville and Columbia but they don't. I might need to coach some leaders on some stuff and encourage mentorship from the north.

 Hello everyone, today is Monday, April 14.  I bought train tickets and sadly was not able to afford the sleeper car.  It is too expensive. I think they could make a lot of money if they made it more reasonable. What they did is make the roommettes cost 700 and then the actual sleeper cars must be a thousand or something.  And they are calling the roomettes "rooms." It was hard to use their site. Then I tried to get customer service and they referred me to the site.  I am sad to see things in decline. Because with all the technology you would think that our country would be improving and it isn't.

But anyway I heard back from one of the agents I queried.  I guess they take time to think about it and it was not smart of me to be yapping on this blog for three months.

It was a no from a really good agent and I enjoyed getting an email from him, so thanks John I really appreciate it.  That helps when you hear back. It keeps respect for the industry or in my case, restores some of it.

So possibly I will end up getting an agent and maybe sell three books, or five books if you count the mice series and one other one that I can't remember.

I don't know if I have made mistakes by adding these last two, but at least I did not put them in hardcover.  I will wait and do that with a real ISBN. I might not get accepted for that.  Some time has lapsed and even Draft2Digital said they aren't rolling me through to amazon because they don't use "unusual pen names." That is so bad of them and possibly of historical proportions. What a bunch of jerks, truly, I know it is because there is a cross on some of my books.

Anyway I can crack some of the racism code, too, which is don't be racist.  And you don't have to say "either way," even though anti-white racism is going to get very nasty and people will have to stand up to it.  But why make it worse? Just say, "don't be racist." and that will be enough for most people.

It isn't for me because I am chronically abused as a disabled person.  And I absorb some revenge intended for my former class of nice church people. So it will be an issue sometimes for me.  And people will judge me and be corrected in heaven. It will really be something. I think there is a purpose to it and I have had a lot of care and love besides that so I try to be patient.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried.

It is Monday, April 14. This morning I got an email saying one of my credit limits was increased by 250 dollars. It came at just the right time. That helps me some maybe for my trip.

I might have to reschedule an appointment for my psychiatrist because I think I will go to SC in May. It will depend some on the trains available.

I don't know if I am going to go to Columbia. I need to call my friend to check about that. It's not the same kind of emergency that is was before. Wow, that was tough times, hard to believe.

I am trying to go to a conference in June and might also try to go to a novel retreat. I need to ask some people if they think my condition is too bad to go. I do not know if it is or not but these are some years of decline and the doctors are starting to admit I don't have much longer.

Today I am going to my mental health program. I woke up late but slept well.

My friends Tami and Amanda were in my dream and I helped some kids and was a department manager at Barnes and Noble.

 Ok everyone,

It is 11:55 on Sunday night.  I uploaded the new book. It went well but took a long time because of internet speed.

The evil power feeling is gone.  I do not know who and what helped but it went away and I freely approved the book with no fears.

I saw how I could have thanked another one or two people but it is okay.

Sometimes people have to be in the hopper.

In the book I described the evil power feeling. I think it was good material and referred people to either the church or the hospital, both of which can help.

Drena also helped me but I can't just be like Drena Drena Drena all the time.

I had a nice weekend talking to Ravneet. I wish she could cook me some food but really I could cook some food. I might try to make some appetizers soon.

That was neat how I knew that blog section wasn't good enough as is, wasn't it.

I jsut knew it.

And there is stuff like that in my writing where you can see I had an idea and spent it too early and later did it right. But it is okay. Live and learn. Other people can be better writers.

Ok, that is all. Now I will rest and then take my medicine. Tomorrow I go to mental health program. I will take a shower sometime before I go.

I think it is good I did something productive this weekend.

Soon I need to solve the puzzle on traveling.

Well have a good night everyone.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Sunday, April 13. Today the CEO of Intel gave the sermon at my church, and it was great. It also made the bad feeling that has been bothering me go away.

Right now I am trying to upload my latest book to amazon kdp. But my internet speed is too slow.  So I wait thirty minutes and it says upload failed.  I am trying now to see if the microsoft word document does better than the pdf.  But that will change some of the type and formatting.

So what I will do is just save a draft and wait.  And I might not be able to save a draft at all.

But it is okay.  This is book 99.  And it is kind of an extra but I am feeling like it might end up being one of the main books.  But I have a "main book" series, so what do I really mean.  I am going to call the series some kind of classics, like comfort classics or something.  And say in the description that I don't mean it a certain way but those books are it.

We're getting to the end of thirty minutes so I will soon see if this book works.

I felt the evil power again earlier right as I uploaded it and as I wrote some of the intro.

It is kind of scary because it feels like the evil power knows something.

But I think I am okay.

It's during an upload like this that is a good time to pray for readers.  But really I jsut prayed for everyone on amazon and email.  

Then I read a nice section of the bible in John.  And it said a disciple was leaning against him.  So was it a young person?  A child? I think you have to consider that Jesus might have liked John in a certain way.

But I don't know. It is cool to think that was normal disciple love too.

Well, now I will finish this post and see if my book uploads enough for a draft.

 Hello everyone, today is Sunday, April 13. I decided to sit outside for a while but it was cold and on my way back upstairs I saw the racist janitor named Jim who likes to say the N word outside my door. 

So that wasn't worth the excursion and next time I will stay indoors. Soon it will be treadmill time and I guess when I am off the risperdal could be the main start to that.

I worked on the new book some and it is almost ready for posting.  But no matter what, I might give it another day or even a week before I do anything with it. I think the book is a good idea but I wonder if I am overpublishing a little bit. Probably some of that is because I do not know if my books are reaching people or not.

I saw how to boost my videos on youtube. I don't know if I will but maybe I will add some videos about my books and then boost those videos. But I could be wrong. I don't even know if I want to boost the food videos that I did. 

I have recovered a lot and can almost accept total loss and waiting until heaven for rewards and justice.  I think that soon I will also make that progress with the racism problems that have attacked me.  Like to accept I did what was right and the lengths people went to in order to make me seem bad might fool some people. And I think I can keep from raging against it and just wait for their horror.

Gice I think if my work reaches people, some people will like the journal material. They will read all the blog posts. But we know that I might get blocked.

Do you think people will be mad that I repeated material so much? I think there is some value to it because it is like the way some works end up enduring over time.  But I am choosing that myself by repeating the stuff I think is better.  But I am missing some good poems, I think, like from the cousin book.  But even that is already doubled because of the thin book series.

And yet that is the benefit of self publishing so why not take advantage of it.  It is just a file sitting in a computer and it might not even get printed at all.

Gice is anyone out there reading my books. It is kind of driving me crazy to not know.

Tomorrow I am looking forward to my mental health program. I might ask to read some of my notes sometime there.

This weekend I ate a lot of gallbladder food but seem to be okay. But I think now is when I slow it down.  I ate a lot of ice creams yesterday. Like that is where I lost control. But today I have not eaten much.

Mostly that bad feeling was gone but we can see that possibly this book was what both attacks were after.  I mean kind of crazy, maybe it has a future.  But I was starting to think that Stn already knows what happens and he might not, same as the rest of us.  But in one of my visions once a guy in hell was reading a book and looked up at me.  

But again I think it is like the road runner cartoon. And the idea is when I am weak God is strong so maybe not try to manage it so much and predict each strategy against me. Also God helped some yesterday I felt, and there was background music, as if the readers in heaven find this part of my life to be meaningful in some way like a movie. But you can't always know when that is and adjust your facial expression for the hidden cameras.