Hello everyone, this is Refried. Today is Sunday, April 27. It is my grandmother's birthday. She lived to be 98.  She participated in our family problems, unfortunately.

I just attended my online church and it was sad because we saw a video about an organization that helps slaves around the world and trafficking victims.  And it was awful but helps me pray more. I feel the power of my prayers for the world. If that is all I can do then it must be something.

I don't know if my novel is going to be good enough. I think I still need a plot element and I might have to add a science fiction section.

Last night I made another picture book of space blobs using the same prompt for each image. I like the book and it is cute but I kind of question my decision to only use one idea.  I think it turned it into a cool philosophy book with some quotes at the beginning, but some other colors and scenes might have been better.  Well do you know what I think is a solution? A sequel where I do a book like that with more variety. I think it is okay and if I have too many AI books then people can choose to ignore the AI.  And they can tell from the cover what the quality of images is.

This was my one hundredth book. I kind of think that is cool. I was happy at 99 but did think that yesterday's book was worth posting.

The sermon today was about trusting God and I am trying to trust God with the mistreatment and persecution in my life.  The three main things  are what I have already mentioned.  Some are risks to my career, which I think is the point and what is usually targeted.  Some people from mental health and housing are racist and their desire is that I would break down and say slurs and lose my audiences and writing career. And then another threat is the cops in my neighborhood who have a game to accuse me of targeting schools and being a child abuser.  This is because they are not good enough to successfully fight the real crime so they find people like me who make them seem less racist.  I am an easy target because of mental illness.  Juries often side against people like us who have schizophrenia especially, and all anyone has to say is "noncompliance."  And then finally there is the risk of suicide, which again is from most of the same bullies who torture me.  I guess the hospitals would be part of that, too.  To make themselves be places of horror to be avoided at any cost.

So I need to ask God for help with this, to accept my limitations as a human and the fact that if my case manager can't be nice to me during our one conversation each week, then maybe I will in fact call her a slur.  And if I write 100 books and no one buys them after ten years, then maybe the bad guys will succeed in framing me as someone with the opposite mission.  And finally, if people torture me to the point of truly not being able to take it, then I will simply be gone and show up to heaven as someone who forfeited a lot of my reward. I think there is an aspect of the trust described in the sermon that is different than the OCD strategy of going ahead and accepting the worst ahead of time.  I think some of it might maintain hope that God will defeat these people in some unexpected way that I can't do on my own.

But the fact that I am in a situation to be bullied by them to me puts doubt on whether God has done that before with other enemies.  The corporate sharks certainly were able to destroy a huge chunk of my ambitions and offering to the world. However there were nice people who at least saved my life, and my mom and dad who also tortured me still financially supported me. 

The other thing is that there were christian leaders who saw that I was in a snake pit and acknowledged it.  And it will be that way again.  I feel kind of bad for the people who are found to be the problem, but in the way that God let Focus on the Family fail so hard, the bad people probably do deserve their portrayal.