new memes

 

Canva certificate

 Hi everyone, today is Labor Day.  It is a nice holiday that I care about because I appreciate things like days off and fair wages, which I saw for myself can be taken away if bad people want money.

I'm posting this certificate I got from Canva, the graphic design website I use for some of my facebook memes. I had mostly a good day and my apartment inspection went okay today.  The bad people zapped me on Saturday instead this time and made me worry about being able to turn in my rent check on time.  Really it is a little bit late but there is a grace period.  Hopefully I can turn it in tomorrow but I will be late for my hospital program.

So anyway I think in my next post I will post my new memes. I think they are funny. They all start with "What if." I can see in this nice day how I could be okay and not feel bad from forced meds, emotional abuse, the threat of apartment loss, the missing book sales, and the lack of job that could have been almost anything. I do not understand.  I think it is a journalism assignment of oppression and persecution, while immediate communities see me as a privileged brat.  I guess that is clever and some people have agreed that it is valuable in some way.  Well I think we needed my success so I usually do not agree.

Well have a nice day everyone.

what to do about the bloody economy

 Well hello everyone, today is Sunday, Sept 3.   I am sharing more posts on facebook and sad to see that facebook cut my distribution in half.  It is because a week ago I sent around some Christian themed posts.  I wondered why my numbers are lower and see now that facebook did that on purpose.  Possibly it is because when I went to the hospital last month I couldn’t respond to likes and comments.  But I think it is actually because of the content from last time, which happened to be some of the most liked posts from my page.  So that is sad, I can tell God is not happy with their choice. People think I am stupid and there is no such thing as God caring but some of us can tell how he feels sometimes. We can, there are spiritual experiences that start happening after you pray and do what God says for some time.  Other people don’t have to believe it, but it is weird to go your whole life without caring and then show up on Judgement Day to see how God feels about that. Like, what could you be thinking, and why do you think no one else notices how bad you are. 

Anyway, the other thing is that I feel the threat of losing housing again, and I am being forced to take more medicine than I want to.  But I at least have the system figured out where I actually can take it instead of not being able to and then getting in trouble for that.  I find that it makes me feel bad in the mornings now but I am okay in the afternoons.

 

I was going to be a successful mental health champion and for some reason people shut me down.  I do not know why, and I don’t know which people are the actual bad people versus who camoflauged the original bad people in order to supposedly shield me from worse attacks.  Really I don’t think anything could have been worse, and there is now a lot I can’t say without being an influence toward people giving up.  Some of my despair is from seeing the beginnings of the inevitable harvest of liberal hypocrisy.  It has been believable to many people that the conservative problems and bad politics of the south have nothing to do with the self righteous democrat control freaks, but I think the horror that I have experienced is spreading to more populations, and the dwindling budgets and power needs are now creating a demand for blood which will be satisfied mainly with dying disabled people, some minorities, and the growing slavery of all of America to Articifial “Intelligence.” This is the new sacred roll out of the media monsters in charge, who say they want justice but really want money, same as usual.

You think I won’t say it but I will

Well hi everyone, time for a Saturday morning blog post.  Had an interesting incident at the coffee shop this morning where a guy wanted a copy of my hokey jokester book and I saw for a second how different life would be if I didn’t have five lost careers and a wasted literary collection. I also boosted some facebook posts and facebook ruined the posts on purpose so I had to cancel and lost about 300 likes from yesterday. That is sad to me. A few liberal trolls found me and are gloating over what they can tell is participation that is too late in certain ways.  But I think they are going to be proven wrong in their scoffing.  That is kind of sad but kind of appropriate.  I am also waiting for a few ads that facebook delayed on purpose as a power play.  It takes the fun out of it.  I am sad the company has taken the direction it has in terms of dishonest crookedness.  So depressing.  

My other problems have to do with increasing medicine as part of the hospital program I am in.  And CVS messed up my prescriptions which also seems on purpose.  So I have to conclude it is part of a torture re-enactment but it feels real and I will be in emotional pain all day.  Some stuff could be worse because at least so far I have a room to sit in by myself.  I will clean the apartment later today.  I think I can get it done and tomorrow go to the grocery store.

 

I guess I will collect some more addresses for free books to mail friends. I am using the last of my credit card budget this week and then I have to just let life happen to me with no agency over work progress, which for some reason, matches a pattern where I pay to participate in life while other people get paychecks for a tenth of the effort.

Chairman Mao, MSW, MD

 Hi everyone, today is Aug 17. I am starting a “PHP” outpatient program at the mental hospital that I just finished staying at for two weeks. It was a rough time but something they did worked and my condition did get better in some ways.  But I also am experiencing new spells of paranoia that I think are from the emotional abuse I have been experiencing at my apartment and then at the hospital itself.  Some of it is hidden behind a power play dynamic meant to keep control of patients and clients.  It is a system where the staff will do things that you obviously don’t want, and delay things like medicine or opening doors, no matter how simple, just random things turned into a process that makes you feel bad and helpless.   

It reminds me of a fun card game I played in college called “Mao-master,” where as you play certain cards, your friends make up rules for each card, and people have to do random stuff like run around the table or say something stupid.  It is a really fun game, but one time with a different group of friends than usual, I suggested playing it and this guy named Michael said no, because it was named after Mao, who was a dictator that killed hundreds of millions of people in China a long time ago.

 

It is kind of chilling, but that is what is happening in some mental hospitals and now in my mental health housing.  It is impossible to be a “good client,” and you can’t earn peace and safety just by obeying the rules and doing your resonspibilities.  Instead, the rules change exactly as you go about each requirement, so nothing is good enough, and nothing you do is right.  It is constant power plays from staff, who obviously have had training, so people could be warned instead. It is meant to be used instead of physical restraints, but it is worse and they know it.

 

I do think there is a risk of this way of doing things to sweep across more contexts and overtake “rule by law.” I recognize that as something I have heard on TV, but that is what is missing in the hospitals, is a dignity where there are rules posted and if you do what you are supposed to then you aren’t abused. Instead now, it is about who has power and making sure they subjugate the people.  I see a similar trend in government, and it is probably not a coincidence.

 

The hospitalization was disturbing in other ways too but obviously I am going back for the outpatient phase of treatment so I still have some trust.

 

However I do disagree with these “psychological restraints” that supposedly allow for perceived freedom.  I think especially with autistic people who already suffer socially, this will be torturesome for a long time and a lot of people.

 

Just to give some examples, a guy in the hospital asks my name.  I say “Sarah,” which is an easy name.  Then he says “What?” and makes me repeat it.  I say “Sarah,” and he makes me repeat it again.  He is trying to establish power where I can’t get what I want from doing anything, even and especially for what I am supposed to.  That is the whole idea.  It is the same with asking for two sugars for coffee. They hand me a pink sweet and low, which everyone knows Is not sugar.  Then “Oh, you mean white sugar?”  Total dishonesty and disrespect.  Multiply those experiences times about 400-500 times over a few days, and it becomes rather torturesome.  

 

When I was repeating my name, I finally said “What?” and made the guy repeat himself. So then he says, “Let me see your wristband.” I show him my hospital bracelet in clear view and he grabs my wrist un-necessarily as a threat of severe escalation and violation. That is how it works.  They can escalate these power plays until you are strapped to a stretcher with an injection and sent to jail.  Two days later, the hall attendants lapse their job on purpose so another patient starts coming in my room.  Then, what do you know, the medicine people at the nurse’s station “don’t have the Trileptal yet,” so I have to wait until a nurse brings it to my room.  And it could be the guy who grabbed my wrist as a dominating threat of who knows what, just let your paranoid mind take a guess.  This is not an anomaly, it is not just a bad hospital, it is the new mental health care, and it closely resembles some of the other mindfulness tendencies in therapy, which have roots in Buddhism.  Why throw Buddhism into the mix, really that stuff can help people heal, these “present moment” strategies can offer some relief, but I have to say that societally, I know where this is headed, and it is not good.

 

Do I think that patients could be safe with a more respectful dignity system where they know what they are supposed to do and there are only consequences if they don’t? Yes, I do, and in the south it was more like that.  Not perfect, but more of a straightforward honesty and kindness system. 

 

Think of someone playing with a baby and taking away a rattle, then handing it back, then giving it and handing it back.  The old game similar to peek-a-boo.  How degrading to start doing that to depressed adults.  And then to throw threats of captivity and sexual abuse in the mix.

 

I do lose respect for whole professions from these experiences, I do find the ethics questionable or non-existent. It is not a joke, I go to the hospital and with devastation see how the one-in-forty autism rate plus our leadership problems in this nation could swiftly result in whole generations of disabled people being put to death.  Don’t think that leftist racism won’t also rise to Nazi levels. It is something to guard against. I will probably not be able to say much more about it that is reliable because these experiences are making my mental status further decline and I have new spells of paranoia now, which used to not be part of my illness.  I can’t get help for it and prevent the mistreatment. I am going to have to flee back to the south where there simply is no mental health care in some places.  There is no housing, there are no programs, people just felt that ignoring the problems was better than intervention, and compared to the controlling abusers taking over in nyc, they might have been right.

The several million Billy Goats Gruff

 When you drive up north there is something you don’t see in the south, which is toll roads.  The north charges a toll to continue on your way through their highways.  It is also a strategy they use as part of their other systems, like school and work. The tolls they charge can be emotional, behavioral, or their favorite, which is getting people to renounce their faith.  For me, I needed help surviving abuse, so I came to New York and paid my parents’ life savings to go to social work school. The idea was to stay alive for long enough to publish the creative writing that I was willing to sacrifice my mental health for in SC as other monster control freaks also emotionally abused me to the point of death. But people here found new ways to delay my true goals, supposedly to try to keep a “reason for living” in the picture for me as a strategy for saving my life.  Unfortunately, it was all too convenient a way to join with my original abusers in destroying the thing I was trying to preserve, which was, unspurprisingly, funny and effective christian poetry.  So here I am, still being abused, and nary a book has reached the hands of a stranger, though most of the best work was complete and ready to distribute in 2012.

I feel a familiar, seemingly immanent but probably false hope of finally reaching people with the writing, but sadly, there are still too many snakebites in the mix, which I discuss in my next post.  So people continue to get what they really want from me, which is a ruined life and additional problems that no doubt have found their way into my book content.  People are glad to save my life if they can also desecrate it, and indeed that is what has happened. All the abusers are still getting their kicks, and I accumulate more enemies every day, without successfully offering the life and work that has also grown and increased only for the purpose of letting the bad people get away with taking more with each lash from satan.

 

It is a blackmail hostage dynamic, powerplays and bargaining, a perpetual trade where somehow the carrot on the stick remains out of reach, plastic anyway, and emitting radioactive poison that causes not only my work to no longer be worthwhile, but my whole life and existence.  

 

I forgot the rest that I was going to say.  The lost health and actual mental decline is another factor that helps people get away with these tricks and scams but will eventually be the main thing I have going for me, sadly in the way that everyone's most common greatest fear, death, is actually, mercifully our way out when those same people take away from some of us all of the things that made life so precious to them.

Snake Bites to the Soul, more backwards than the four humors

 Hi everyone, today is July 29. I do not think any website traffic is coming to this blog unless I directly share it and if that is on facebook they still won’t click on it.  So it is really just a journal.  My old blog has a lot of clicks this months because of the legal sharks following me. 

Right now I am experiencing the toxic soul poison of a snake bite from yesterday which was an interaction with Tamara, who is one of the people who emotionally abuses me at my supported housing apartment.  Lillian is the other person who I think has been so consistent and strategic that it is on a criminal level.  I will not survive it and this happened last year and didn’t stop until I reported it to the cops. I did that again recently and will have to go back and beg for someone to intervene. Most people seem to think, “Well then don’t live there.”  I feel sorry for anyone who sees it that way, and they will probably receive their disapproval from God in front of a large audience.

 

The other thing that is adding to my feeling of abuse today is a financial situation where a credit card company took back part of the agreeement I was functioning under and making decisions based on.  It was a cash advance line on a credit card account that started this spring.  I have paid it off very quickly but I applied for as many credit cards as I could and this company emailed me and took back some of their credit limit and most of the cash line.  Well that cash line was the back up plan that I was counting on as I signed up for other cards.  Some of my other cards also have small cash lines but almost all of the companies make accessing those lines be a several step process that you can’t do at the last minute.  I personally think that is dirty and a service should be more straightforward than that.  You should receive your pin number with your card.

 

Added to that is that the in-person banking services and other things like stores in my neighborhood are places where I face blatant insulting abuse and discrimination upon almost any interaction I have there.  Some of it does actually match an illegal “refusal to serve” description, and some of it just has to do with delaying service or blocking me from whatever resource I am there for.  And the fact that I feel their hate is so influenced by politics from larger communities that have already treated me like garbage is also depressing.

 

It does make me suicidal, which is already part of my condition.  Severe mental illness is already life threatening, and to have additional stressors at any point of life participation puts me at extreme risk.  By now, no one is really counting on me as an example for young people or other vulnerable populations, because my writing career was also shut down. I know there is an artificial block on my book sales.  Even selling fifty books would have made a difference in my outlook about these financial violations against me.

 

So really what happens is that I am losing trust and faith in the conspiracy and torture programs that have helped me survive.  I know that some of these abuses are either prompted or allowed by the case management that has helped me stay alive or pretended to help because it was such a powerful way to thwart anything good from the south.

 

And the emotional pay off from some nice blessings have been taken back.  Sure, it’s for safety reasons, I would spend more money if I got manic, or make a bad decision.  But really I think too many people find it convenient for me to be heartbroken for my entire adulthood and for every free moment and sign of relief to immediately become part of an ongoing and contrived living hell.

 

Some medical treatment is hard to get through.  Chemotherapy, dentists appointments, shots, and torture care where the good guys have to camoflauge themselves as the bad guys.  Well I just think this time their performance was a little too convincing, and I am simply being criminally abused.

 

I don’t have to take it, I did not stay alive for this, and this is my last notice that I do not expect to survive through the end of this year.  I do not have to write a suicide note, I don’t have to give two weeks notice, I don’t have to seek any more fake medical care that chooses to play along with a survival charade while failing to protect me from overt abuse.

 

Goodbye, this is the last notice anyone will get about my forced decision to escape the worst people I have ever known through the only reliable means which is leaving this earth where even the good people wasted the valuable and heavily invested gift of my life and work.