Ok everyone, it is Thursday, Sept 25. It is about noon. I need to take a shower and walk to the doctors office before the storm. I think I am able to take the medicine increase. It is only an increase of .5.  I think that will be okay and it will be a familiar risperdal feeling that has pros and cons. And then maybe eventually I can go to 20 mg Latuda instead of 40 after the hospital and I get my new doctor.

I think I can make some sense out of some of the abuse. So early on, how in order to protect me from the assault risks that come with mania, I was subjected to three other sources of abuse that were somehow accetable to everyone: my mom's control and psychological pursuit, the medicine that amounted to roofies, and the bookstore material that was unwanted and increased on purpose. So then you can see the target was my mind and soul.

And then the three three year tortures: the post college where I was on the wrong medicine, in a bad job, and persecuted by family.  And then during the MFA. the abuse at the workplace, the attached, controlling, and critical mom, and then the third thing. Was that church? Do I let them get away with too much?  And then the third torture, from mental health people, the missing book sales, and was it family again? or something else. Hmm I do not know.

And then I think I need to figure out the thing that is worth it. Is it the christian witness? Is it seeing people be okay on judgement day? I think that might be it. Paul talked about loss being gain because it meant he knew christ. But I don't think that is it for me.  Because I could know christ and eat a lobster dinner with christ instead of being crucified in the parking lot. So I think it has to do with other people on judgement day. But I can't earn their salvation through my suffering but I can make relevant requests for them to not lose what was bought for them by christ's suffering.

Well, that is all.  There could be a tornado today that makes everything go crazy and it would be hard to make sense out of it all again. But really you can see some patterns and events and people.

 Hello everyone, it is 11:15 am on Thursday, Sept 25. I just went to 86 street and got my rent check. I also got some yummy food from Chick Fil A and 7-11.  So that is nice but I am still feeling bothered about a medicine issue that might bring back permanent feelings of abuse and injustice.  I am in a hospital program and it is really fun but I am not the same because I am on psychiatric medicine that stunts my attention.  And they want to increase my other medicine that I was substituting for this medicine that makes me lazy, etc. So that feels like a trick and betrayal, to generously agree to try  a new medicine and then it turns out they want to use both medicine and double my devastation.

And then yesterday I thought about accepting that I have paranoia and go ahead and take both medicines, partially out of consideration, and partially from looking at the benefits of it, which might not outweigh the drawbacks.  And I felt peaceful for about an hour but then was aware of how I got the paranoia symptoms and it was from Tamara's abuse, and the other four bad workers as well.  Well I have mostly moved on from that and even thought it may have worked out well because I am mostly okay with the medicine I am on now that it is reduced a little and I can read and write again.

So this was an unexpected problem.  And what they will want to do is treat that as well as if it were a symptom.  Well possibly I am better off without the ruined life, without the constant reminder of an abuse that went unpunished, etc. So just stay on the 40 latuda and .5 risperdal.

Another thing is that I said I was willing to do one mg risperdal and 20 latuda and they said no.  And I know I am right.  And that was enough in their direction that they should accept that.

And the other thing is that my current doctor is retiring and I do not know who my doctor will be.  

So maybe there is a therapy component that could help me decide to accept an injury to my life that is permanent and have faith in the fact that God will punish Tamara for it in front of all of humanity, and my losses will be compensated in heaven. It is a lot of loss though, the last five years of my life being absolutely ruined, with no new books and poems, no other positive activities, and no real preservation of the things that are at risk from paranoia.

So I think the thing to do is try to keep my .5 and 40 combo.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. In 30 minutes I go to the bank to get my rent check. Then later I go to the doctor. There is something bothering me which is that yesterday I was leaning towards increasing my medicine as the hospital person suggests but it brings back mad feelings towards the abusers who damaged my mental health. And that makes it seem worse. So I might be better off with less medicine and a little bit of actual paranoia.

So I don’t know what to do. And always in the picture, the thing that should actually be fixed, is that I should not be abused by mental health staff “people.”

 Hello everyone, it is Sunday, Sept 21. I just got home from getting a calzone after going to church, where I got an empanada. Wow it was yummy, I could not believe it. Also I talked to four ministers there and it was fun.  The passing the peace was not as full of traction this time, but I still enjoyed the awesome service that had music in spanish. So wow that was great.

I told Jacqui that thing I mentioned on my blog that other time about how I think it is neat how she isn't crazy after socializing so loyally with so many diverse people. I mean you can go mad but I guess the idea is that if you are consistent then you don't start to be double minded.  

So that is interesting. Anyway I am glad I went and I will try to do twice a month.

I got some food for later, too, which will be so yummy, a sandwich and some gushers.

Am I going to watch that memorial service. I mean do I need to say what is said about that guy? I do not know.  I did watch a few minutes where he was talking about having victory over pornography and I did think it was good and that CK was not a hypocrit.  So I think he did great and I am happy for him.  I mean maybe he is a martyr but wow there is a lot of violence for people to be so excited when one murder fits their narrative.

I also attended a queer children's book writer group today and it was nice. I told them my issue with having to not be able to say suicidal things.  I think we cracked the code and people said that teens needed sincere advocacy from someone who had been there.

So okay what else. I think I will make some more coffee soon.

Well, I guess that is all.  Should I send a pet rock meme to my sister? I do not know. Maybe send her a text.

 Hello everyone, I just did laundry. Two small loads. Just missing some jeans now. Tomorrow I go to church.

Gice what about one mg risperdal 20 latuda. What if they let me do that. I just think the latuda caps me too much. I can’t do a double cap plus weight gain.

So anyway two more hours until medicine.

I am thinking of marketing stickers that you can put over a food stain on your shirt and it would say “food stain”

That is pretty funny. Well have a good day everyone.

  I mean do I say that on facebook I do not know. Because other people also clicked like.

So do I need to trade out the fixed poem without that one word mistake well i do not know.

I think it doesn't matter. Anyway I miss doing Connie's thing. I do not know if Lori is there or not.

I think I will eat a biscuit now.

 thanks David Jauss for liking my poem, that really made me happy.

 Ok everyone I wrote two new poems today.I felt good about them.  I posted them. I got good reactions. One did better than the other one but I like both poems. I hope some people get the clean room poem.

I mean am I wrong. Do I need to try another rendition. More specific maybe of veneers or something.

It is just weird if it is true. 

But anyway I feel tired. I have not been getting that much sleep. Soon I need to do laundry.

Does anyone have any opinions.

One thing I think is an issue is that one poem matches current events and the other one doesn't and people are reading it that way.  But I disagree with those bubbles of new york times and christian nationalism now, both current events interpretation contexts that are very much a direct result from social media power manipulation and a ruined platform for friendship and creativity.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Monday, Sept 15. I had such a nice evening. I submitted an article somewhere and feel good about it even if it is not a match. I did the right thing and it was good material.  And I got the best sandwich from a deli. Wow it was good and I was hungry. And I felt a normal feeling of social status because of my article I wrote. I felt like I had gone to school and maintained inclusion for myself and it made me feel happy.

And I had friends be nice to me and a social worker talked to me this afternoon.  Possibly that is what is causing the high and tomorrow they will have to bring me back down.  I wish they did not do that but I am thankful for the care and good feelings sometimes.

It is 11:30.  That is kind of late. It feels like Sunday but it is Monday. Oh that is the other thing is that I talked to Mensa people online today and it was one of the best conversations I have ever had. I really like those people and am thankful to participate. I mean that is the goal and possibly there need to be more groups like that within the organization if people would participate.

Well that is all. I might be forgetting some things but I will write again.  Have a nice day everyone.

Thanks, Rita, Dan, and Ann K.

 Hello everyone, I wrote a little article for my new website: https://www.refriedbeanbooks.com/

It is good and explains this whole escalation issue.  

Now here is what is kind of sad. This escalation issue is unebelievably similar to the constructive dismissal issue.  I do have an article about that too. 

And both those cases are not going to happen.  And I was thinking just minutes ago that it is so sad that it will be a defamation case with me as the defendant instead of a criminal abuse case where people are brought to justice for torturing me.  But it is not going to be that, either.  Because my writing is not going to reach anyone until maybe after I am dead, or maybe not at all.

So there will be no trial for any of the three things. 

I think I am missing some key insight about the defamation risk.  Like maybe because I would also lose that out of injustice, we have to keep the books from reaching anyone. I don't really understand that.

What is crossing my mind now is a new interpretation of the sermon on the mount bible verses about storing up treasures in heaven.  And for most people that means stop caring about money too much and treat friends and family well, or even serve others as part of a church.  But I think for me I am supposed to go past that and also lose the intangibles and service to others.  That is why I am leaning towards expecting a resurrected career in heaven.  But I don't know. I think the heaven is in the writing and it will reach people. I still have some faith about that.  So I am not sure what we are waiting for on that.

Anyway my pastor said it was very important to be loving instead of hateful at this time.  But that is also my main grievance is that I am doing that work and the mental health people are taking it away.  

I think another interesting thing is that I do know why in my life I got hit with both a constructive dismissal and escalation problem.  It is because of my wonky gender and nerdiness.  That is why it is me and always me.  And who actually calls that what it is and why. It is NYU. I remember that from when I was a teen, the people who would say, why weren't they hired, it's because they are black.  Why did their father hate them, it is because they were gay. That is the liberals.  And what is the only way to address these problems for me. To endure it, the only solution is a secret torture program. And who does that. The places God sent me to. I mean if that happens you are not supposed to still be complaining about the abuse. You are supposed to say, well this is interesting.

Ok there is a fire drill now, gotta go. have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, it is getting late now and is soon time to take my medicine. Tomorrow I will go to church online because I have a meeting at 3 and then at 7.  So it is a busy day.

I figured out why Hannah abused me.  It is their same psychological punishment and rewards system when you haven't met program standards, which for me this week was because I did not turn in my signature sheet.  But that was because they did not have one for me so they gave me a blank one and I lost it because I did not have a pen to get it started. And that was the second week that they did not have one prepared for me.  It is interesting because when they first started that system I was burdened by it and said I could not do it and if I could keep up with a piece of paper like that then I would have a job somewhere and be a professsor.  So they said I didn't have to but then I did have to.  They abused me if I didn't.  So I did.  And I sit through their boring groups that are too long and collect the signature after they already made me sign a sheet that I have to socially be bothered to do by other clients who like to make it difficult as their racism power plays.  Which they should not have control over anyway.

So already I am doing their job for them, but interestingly, unlike a normal job, you aren't told what the problem is if something is undone, but you are provoked to have severe mental health symptoms and you have no idea why you got abused at your program.  Well I guess I called them on it pretty good by reporting them to the Justice Center.  

Anyway another interesting thing is that they are treating us like animals by doing it that way. To not tell us what the issue is but just get in my way on purpose and provoke me by getting in my space and being literally one centimeter from my face.  That is what people do when they want to start a physical fight.  And yet I am the problem.  But I would say you are the animal in that scenario and your organization has shamed you.

 Hello everyone, it is Saturday, Sept 13 at 1:30. I called in an abuse report on all three abusers at my mental health program.  It was really only going to be on that one physical blocking meant to trigger me but I ended up telling on all three people.  So that is interesting and bothersome. Hopefully it wont turn to a bad feeling. I am interestingly feeling bad feelings from other sources as I get through this bad spell with mental health people.

I called my sister today and we had a good conversation. My mom made her feel bad this week but it is good that she knows that is real.  Because when I complained about mom doing stuff to me they thought it was my problem. 

Anyway wow I have just gotten so much emotional abuse so I might stay inside today and try to get my mind off of it. I hope I can be in PHP but it might not work out and it could be another series of provocations.  Things would be different if I had book sales but I think I see why I don't. It is because I could be targeted by people who want revenge after I report them.

 Hello everyone. It is Friday, Sept 12. I did laundry again tonight so I have two thirds done. That is enough for now even though I have a spot on three shirts.

My stomach hurts right now and I think some of it is from stomach acid and some is from a food intolerance. It is getting a little bit better but when I feel upset it gets worse. I might need to take some mylanta.

Today at my program a bad person named Hannah physically blocked me when I was on my way to group.  It was kind of sudden and unexpected and it triggered me severely for the whole day. It will take me weeks to recover from it as a setback. I am able to not say bad words so I won't. But bad words do apply in this situation.  

Something weird happened with a friend not supporting my abuse reports.  So that is too bad but I will side with myself and always call abuse what it is. Too many people think it is my role to be abused and other people are excused because of their identity or status.

Another issue that is affecting me right this second is that I ran out of pantropazole and the bottle said I had a refill but Walgreens said I had to get another prescription from my doctor.  And the reason I had this pantropazole refill was because I had to use virtual care after my other doctor messed up the dosage for the second appointment in a row. Like there were literally four mistakes from him at the pharmacist one time. 

So I switched doctors but my appointment is not until the 25th. So I am sitting here with stomach acid pain and upset feelings from one out of five abusers at my mental health program.

I also have a dark tunnel ahead of me because of having to take care of my mom in december and my five years of agreed time running out in july. 

Something else I discovered today was that amazon was using my old author listing for invasive ads that put other people's books in place of my books in the list. That is only one page so I will erase the link for it and stay hopeful until I have to unpublish.

Anyway I thought things were getting better but they aren't. 

My emails all turned to spam this year because I was overmedicated and unable to participate in most of my affiliations.

I find the conservatism yucky that is happening.

Well, that is all. Tomorrow I will probably call my cousin.

 Hello everyone, it is 11:37 on Sept 12. I am doing my laundry. Some clothes are in the dryer. It would have been good to do two loads but I did one load. Maybe tomorrow or later tonight I will do another load. 

I felt traumatized yesterday at night. But I think I got a therapy feeling from somewhere. At 1 am I took my medicine and woke up today at 10. Then I drank coffee and ate an almond croissant. Now I am doing laundry and later I will go to the post office for the books I ordered.

It didn’t work out that well to do the ad. I need to send messages instead. I just think I will feel better if I am mailing books.

Well, hopefully Ravneet will visit me soon.

Have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, it is 8:31. I had to clear up some things in a support group and it went okay. Then I had inspection and that went okay. Soon I need to do laundry. I am going to wait 30 minutes and then get it done. It was a rough day but still mostly easy compared to what most people have to get done every day.

I have an almond croissant that I will eat soon. I am going to try to do two loads of laundry but there is only one working machine.  So I will have to spend a long time there, but think about it, some clothes will dry while some are washed so it is only 45 minutes extra.

I wish so much I had taken a photo of my meal. Also I forgot my napkin with three hush puppies in it.  

I sent a lot of texts today with a photo of a squirrel at 9-11. The squirrel was dressed up as a fire fighter. I mean it is kind of funny, kind of inappropriate, and kind of sweet.

A baby I prayed for is okay now after heart problems but I am going to keep praying because there is a breathing issue and that is really a concern. Wow that was a tough assignment I mean for them but it was on my mind and not that easy to handle.

So anyway some unexpected ups and downs this week, and feeling like I am not safe from people bothering me.  And I don't know if it is the conspiracy or activism, but I do not like it. Just to feel like people are ruining my sources of relief. Yucky reminders of other bad people.  

I went to see my doctor today and she gave me a report to give to the hospital for PHP. So tomorrow I will talk to Drena about that. My doctor is retiring and I am sad and now who will be my psychiatrist. 

My doctor said that her office would get a new doctor to take all her patients.  So maybe that will work out and that person will be my new doctor.

Well, have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Sept 11. Right now it is 5:24 pm. So far there were no problems with terrorism and I went to Times Square and was ok.  When I got back and was switching trains in the Bronx, a flash mob bothered me, and another flash mob bothered me at Whole Foods, and the store itself tried to do a refusal to serve on a cake.  But I talked to the manager and bought two things and they corrected the cake.  That was weird to get that racism, and then there is a mixup with the pharmacy for my psych meds, which is on purpose as a power play.  That is a lot of racism for one day. I believe it is meant as an endorsement but mostly I believe it does reflect the true politics of this area and is historically shameful.  An embarrassment that has become defining for some people who actually received a lot of help in life.

I think one issue is that the people who worked and made progress in life have been betrayed by those who tore up society.  And they want to be on the same side but it hurts everyone.  

Anyway that is sad because today was my restaurant day and it was really good. I wish I took a photo of it but it is better to not brag. I saved up for it for two months.

I have to clean up for inspection soon, and I will do that at 6 oclock. I need to wash two dishes, pick up the clothes, make the bed, do the counter, and clear up clutter. It is not that bad and it will be okay.

The psychiatrist designated another torture victim today and verified my nieces as targets.  

I'm not impressed very much by this Charlie guy who died, and his martyrdom is definitley compromised by ten thousand other gun deaths per year that are much more innocent.

 Hello everyone, my mental health program was horrible today but one worker did help me with my family problems better than almost anyone.  So I am thankful for that.

But three people were activists against me and it was yucky.  My girlfriend said it was an endorsement, like those people were showing their support for me. So maybe that is true but I don't know.  I will not be back for a while. I mean it could be months.

Hopefully I can go to the PHP program that I like. My digestion is not that bad. I think I injured myself a little bit about a week ago and it will take time to heal.  It is from latuda but overall that particular problem will probably mostly not happen at all.

So I don't think I need to bother virtual care about it.

About this comedy routine, I think I will wait and run it by Ben before ever posting it.

Friday I will mail three books to Tami, Lori, and Caroline.  They seem to want Pinnacle of Human Folly.

So that is what I will do.  I mean that is kind of weird and random but okay too. 

Wow that was weird to have such a bad time after Antoinette helped me so much.

Well, have a nice day everyone.

 Hello everyone, I am sad because I have to miss a conference in December but maybe it is okay. I wanted to tell Marlin something. But maybe I already told the hospital enough. I left a message the other day suggesting that they offer people stuffed animals.

I told Evelin and Linda that I think people in India need air conditioning. I do not know if they see how urgent the need is but it is a real thing.  And I think simple portable air conditioners could be a good solution.  Millions of these air conditioners but it has to be just the right kind and not start a fire if it malfunctions or doesn't have water. I might need to tell the Columbia Climate school people that too. I do not know if I still have that guy's card. I thought I only had one idea to tell him and now there is another important thing that can help.

Soon I will go to my mental health program. They know I choked on my drink twice in a row.  But I think it is okay. I also might need to do a little virtual care appointment about the latuda digestion.  Maybe it will be okay and I should wait a while.

Tomorrow I go to my psychiatrist appointment. I might eat at Red Lobster which I have saved money for but I have to think about whether I should do a symbolic donation somewhere instead. And miss out on the lobster dinner.  But I have given a lot to places in the past and felt that I need to do lobster dinners more often as a way of living my life to the fullest. I am thinking do the lobster dinner unless I am not hungry then and order a pizza at home if I am not hungry then.

I think the other thing about Lobster dinners is that it doesn't hurt anyone.  Only a crustacean. But I might eat a steak with my lobster tomorrow if I do that.  However you can get a steak at other places but not a lobster.  But the steak is not great at the places I go to.

Remember Park View restaurant? Wow that was a blessing to eat there sometimes in the morning. Wow you almost can't believe it.

Well have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone. Today is Tuesday, Sept 9. I had a nice day and got fourteen things done. Some of the things were messages and emails. At program one of my friends had a terrible roommate problem and was being blamed for his roommate's crimes.  And I didn't really have any problems but had stuff on my mind.

For one thing, I gathered some addresses of people to mail joke books to.  But when i got to the post office, one of the packages was missing.  And I can't find it anywhere in my apartment.  So I did a new one and mailed that. I hope it gets there okay. The guy seemed skeptical about media mail but I was telling the truth.

So after that I went to program and kept my word about mailing a poetry book.

Then I got an email from a friend who read my novel called Poncheesy and it is just ridiculous because that novel has a huge portion that is just my imported journal.  But my friend read it. I mean that is a good friend.  Kind of funny. That particular friend has been nice to me about religion and said she is happy I prayed for her. I think that is nice because I have clear religion problems and mental illness. Only two or three people have ever picked up religion from me and those are very special people. I mean you think about how many friends I have and how evangelical I am and there are three takers.

But that is not true because people in India have now also been nice to me and accepting.

So okay.  I ate some chocolate this afternoon and I think I might need to order a pizza. But when? I have my groups tonight. I am missing MC's group because I am going to Writing For Your Life.

Kate Rademacher is an awesome friend and I am glad she is doing great as a leader for WFYL.

Now I have a new friend named Shemaiah who is letting me be in her workshop. Thanks Shemaiah.

I am getting my catholicism going and am joining middle church so I can do what I want with theology.

I emailed them today with some thoughts about reparitions. Did I do right. I don't know. I think there is one mistake about saying what is owed. I am not sure I said that right. Bust mostly I really put thought into it and I believe I conveyed my exact theology.  I think the owed thing is fine because I was talkign about what was swindled by humans and not referring to God's grace as if it were owed.  I think thati s a key thing to have a concept of God not owing people stuff.

So anyway that is interesting. There was a good presentation from Princeton online and it made me think and feel happy. It made me reminisce about my hospital friends and I emailed a person today to report someone who I think has functioning spiritual gifts.  I think one of my facebook friends has a healing gift and I need to help her figure out a place for it.  That is kind of a challenge but I will figure it out.

 Ok everyone, I get to keep the shoes. I went downstairs and the guy was not there. So that is good. I saw a sign about homelessness resources and it made me worry a little bit but I think I am okay.

Let's discuss my new comedy routine. I wonder if I can get a coaching session with Ben and just ask him about my routine. I will have to wait until next check season though. For some reason my venmo just seems low right now to me.  I have ten days until the next refill. 

Gice I think it is good to have a good day when you can.  This wasn't that special of a day but I did get some milk and chocolate from the store, I successfully went to program at just the right time, the food there was good, I had something meaningful on my mind in the afternoon, I walked to Walgreens for some envelopes, I packaged some books to send, I watched a good video, I went outside and it was nice, and I signed up for a good workshop.

Gice Daniella did not know that I interned at the Bridge.  Can you believe that? I can't wait to talk to her more about it. She wanted to talk about it tonight but I kept it simple. 

Gice someone bought the book Poncheesy and it is so bad in a certain way. Like I literally just uploaded my journal to fill up pages. But the groundhog plot is awesome so maybe they will like it.

Well have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, I just sat peacefully outside.  And then I came in and the staff people and clients were nice to me. A guy just asked me for my shoes and I said no.  Was I wrong? I mean I do not know. It would be a nice gift and I could get another pair.  But really my budget is kind of tight and these are my only functioning pair of shoes right now. 

Gice I don't know if I did right just now because I was ordering a new pair of shoes so I could give these to that guy but I like my shoes and it is my only usable pair. He might not even be downstairs anymore and why doesn't his case manager get him a pair of shoes?

So I will think about it and at the end of this post go downstairs and see how I feel.

I had a good day today and was accepted into a workshop that I wanted to be in. And I think I am going to participate in my church and I am happy about that.

My shoes just look so cute over there. Like they were the perfect shoes.

So I do not know. My new shoes won't get here for a while. People are saying what about the reeboks from before.  Good call. 

ok everyone have a good day

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Sunday, Sept 7 at 8:30. I passed inspection from a postponed mercy because I forgot Thursday. It is weird that I forgot because it is the main thing every week that I organize around and prepare for.

I have some good news which is for the second month in a row I checked book sales and there were three or four purchases that weren't me. That is compared to zero for about 7 years. It does feel much better. I knew it would feel better. I felt that people believed I shouldn't care and selling the writing feels the same as not selling the writing or is supposed to and I knew they were wrong.  Any wales are great. I hope I can really get a lot of it out there and read instead of totally ignored.  I would feel so much better and like things were worth it.

The facebook people from India really saved the day on that one. They have been my main readership and I do not know what I would have done without them.  It has been fun to share the work though I still miss the american audience.

So anyway, next Sunday is critique group.  

That was nice of Jacqui to talk to me today. Should i have stayed for the picnic and book reading? I just couldn't and I think that is okay.

Gice I feel so tired and I wish I had milk for my coffee. I could go to 7-11 but I used ice cream. But I did not add sugar and it wasn't enough coffee left. So I should do it over. But I think I am not going to. I think I will eat some pretzels and cherry coke with ice.

Gice I read about a firefighter with PTSD from 9-11 who killed himself and it comforted me in a way.  Just the way he really did suffer and couldn't get over it. I just relate and it is so different than when people dismiss your feelings about past trauma. A lot of people can relate to that even though it was a unique event that happened.  

Was I supposed to tell Gloria that I was going to middlechurch today? I think I can tell her another time. It was fun but I did feel the loss.  I mean was I supposed to be involved in other ways before? I think it is ok.  I am worried Jacqui will go to a better heaven than me someday and I won't see her again but probably she will stay in touch with all of us.

Well I think I will watch the other church's sermon.  My friend Amanda is sad because her dad died and we should pray for her.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Sunday, Sept 7. I went to church this morning and it was great. It is my old church called Middlechurch Collegiate. I unexpectedly got to talk to Jacqui Lewis, who is just awesome. Thanks Jacqui! I also saw the other ministers who were all nice to me.  They made sure I did not feel like a perceived threat. Because that was my concern. And I do not mind universal precaution being applied to me.

The music was amazing and the sound rang in my ears in a good way. Then I came home and got a calzone from the pizza place. Then I rested. Now I am typing but I am going to rest again. I have to do inspection before 8 oclock. The main thing is dishes. I can do it. I am going to clean at 6 pm. It is not that bad. Just the sink and the counter and clothes off the bathroom floor and make the bed.

I will go back to church again if I can sometime. But I like attending online but why not go in person.

I just ate some ice cream. I need to pick up some stomach acid medicine from Walgreens. I will probably do that tomorrow and go to my mental health program.

The Latuda that I have is working out great. I guess they knew it would be fine. I am talking about breaking the pills. I am not talking about the treatment.  I am still not sure about that because of the laziness. But this is okay. I am mostly able to do things.

I could have stayed for Jacqui's event I guess but I felt like going home.  I think the service went well. 

Well have a good day everyone. I took communion, it was like old times.

 Ok everyone I had to text Ravneet for some feedback about some things on facebook. I think both posts were fine and my depressed feeling could be from spiritual warfare.  But it is weird because there are different powers and feelings when it happens.  I think so far I can distinguish between four spiritual warfare feelings. Isn't that weird? I think it is.  

Ravneet told me to suspend one of the posts. The photo made my hand look too prominent like I was showing off not having a ring when really I have a spouse named Ravneet.  Yoo hoo, Ravneet, I hope you are having a nice Saturday.  

So okay. That was the issue.  It could have been okay but I think if it bothers me then don't do it.  But I did like that photo better than the other two.  What is the other issue. The other issue is that I should clean my apartment. I can do that. I just clear the table, throw out clutter from the floor areas, do the dishes, and put clothes in the cart.  I can do it.  

What else is the situation.  My apartment is kind of warm but I think the air conditioning is still on. 

The thing is that today when I thought about how I needed to start mailing books again, I felt better like hopeful about exercise and aware of my career. I am a comedian.  I have a joke book that I sell and my jokes reached millions of people on facebook.  And the fact that I have no other jobs kind of enhances that identity, like it is all I have been successful at.  So that is a happy thing. 

Now it is 5 pm. I was going to take a walk today at 5 pm. I could also have called my cousin christy. But I will at some time. It will work out fine.  I mean today was a good day for three phone a friends but I think I will wait and do that when I am lonely.  And today I did not feel lonely because I was posting about the books.  I mean I do not know, am I wrong to give away the books. Everyone's feeds have so much junk.

But the fact is that I wanted to start walking again. And that was the missing component. 

So anyway I think it all means nothing. I just didn't know what photo to use so I chose the nerd photo.

It is okay. There were some secret messages that I need to ponder.

Well everyone have a nice day, what should I eat, maybe some nachos.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is 11:30 am on Saturday, Sept 6. I really like the month of September. It is one of my favorite months. Really October is my favorite but I like September too and it is nice because you haven't spent October yet. It is still in the future.

So okay. I just deleted my two spare websites. I kept them as extra for several years in order to help secure my pen name, be backup, and improve my googl-ability. I am okay with it. In the end, it was rather costly but I feel good about saving the money right this instant. The next payment would be in October. I might need to stop paying for the domains but I think it is okay. I bought the domain called refriedbean.com for three thousand dollars after the price dropped from about 26 thousand. So that worked out great. I think I made the offer and the people investigated who I was and charged a price I could afford.

Last night I watched part of the movie called 9 to 5. It was interesting. The part where Jane Fonda imagined shooting the boss was somewhat dramatic and kind of to me was like this scene where she was suddenly a true hollywood star instead of her shy character in the movie. So I have to think about that a little because I think what she did about Vietnam was very bad. Just imagine those 18 year olds going to the jungle and then she poses behind enemy guns. I mean maybe it is bad for me to mention it and bring up someone's past but I just think I am in the camp with my dad on that one.  He wrote me a note excusing me from aerobics for my 8th grade gym class when they used her videos.  That is awesome. I mean that is the best dad thing anyone has ever done.  

So anyway I think I will take a walk today. Maybe near the hospitals. Tomorrow I go to church and do not have to leave early because critique group is not until Sept 14.  Well have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Thursday, Sept 4. I just went to my mental health program and it as really fun and they had breaded chicken for lunch. That is my favorite. When I was waiting in line I said if it is not breaded chicken they will need to take me to the hospital.

I saw the next agent to query. The one I just did was a very good option so I could hear back from that one. I am not rushing it with the next one. I don't really know what to say in my query but I think it will be the mice books that I tell her about.

My mouse father has been sharing parenting videos and he just told his viewers that I lost 80 points because of some bad behavior. And that is true but I usually end up doing well and apologizing.

I think I will soon have another cup of coffee. I saw a video online of someone thankful for their attention and following.  And it really makes me happy.  And I don't need to convince everyone that facebook is from my prayers.  But it could be funny someday to say that in regards to Mark Zuckerberg like to try to publicly take credit for it instead of him.

I need to gather some info for the PHP application. I think I might need to call Jorges Alvarado and ask them for some paperwork.

Well have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone. It is 5:45. I looked at the publishers list. I saw an email address for someone. I was like, do people just email this person? Then I saw that it has to be an agent. I could tell her I am self-agented.

Pretty funny. 

I think I should start mailing some books, like maybe package a few packages and then get the addresses.

Well, soon I am going to my online group.

Have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is 5:15. I jsut posted two other posts. I wonder if I will start writing again.  Maybe I will write some poems. Maybe I will think of some rhymes.  Do I need to be sending more queries? I do not know. I think that would be a good thing to do right now is look through the books and the CWI directory. What does it all mean? I do not know.

Should I try to mail out all the books I have in my room? Maybe go through the names in my facebook again? I just don't know if anyone wants any of the books.  And what about the hospital people?  They did not get a book.  Dr. Halpern, Dr. Johnson, Dr. Griebe, Dr. Levin, Luis Falgundes, Alex De Silva, and the edema people. 

Do they want a joke book? Well I do not know.

Ok I just saw the missing christian market book.  It was under my computer. Well I will look for some more agents and publishers for a while.

Have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone. I watched another Sept 11 video.  The national geographic series is excellent. Wow, this video had a section about flight 93 and a mom who left a message telling her son to overpower the terrorists. 

I just took my medicine. I ate some sauce and some corn chex. Hopefully that was enough food. Maybe I will also eat a snack size butterfinger.

I can stay up however late because I think we don't have program tomorrow. Maybe I will go buy some sour cream and make the corn casserole.

This was a good facebook share and I am so grateful to the nice people.  And it is probably going to be a cool mil, which I did not expect at first.

It is a more loving feeling for the God loves you posts.  So maybe I will do some more. I still think the Jesus died for your sins memes are good. There is a different feeling sometimes from that, but I believe it is good for people to be familiar with that if not try to understand it.

I can feel some of it now, how it has the bloody cross element which offends. And the gallstone that can't be removed without a sacrifice.  It is the reason christianity isn't necessarily easy to share. 

But anyway these posts are easier. How is my face doing.  It will be mostly back to normal tomorrow.  But not a great normal but an okay normal. It is not that big of a deal. I think it has been worse with the medicine.

Now how do we all feel about the query. I do not know.  I felt a slight depression feeling but that could be from successful youth ministry which for me is opposed by depression. When I saw the website I did like the people and it is only three people. But was I supposed to do a novel? I do not know.

I think my actual email was not very good. I had some awkward wording that could make them think I can't write.  But maybe it is good for them to know that they are dealing with a post career writer.

But maybe they will examine it and see that it does make sense and is grammatically correct despite wordiness. Anyway maybe they are reading this blog.

I am still a little shaken up by that racist security person yesterday. It is just a bad combo of people banging on the door, no obvious intervention from guards, and the awareness of bad cops in the neighborhood.  And now a gang that might have already sent me a personal message on the sidewalk with fresh barbecue sauce.  I mean I do not know. I just am not scared of the gang but am worried about the cops. So then I have to think about whether I can move to Greenville and that is another scene of torture.

Anyway I am still writing this even though maybe it is time to go to sleep. Well have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Monday, Sept 1. I really like Sept 1 and always feel the fall season arrive on that day. Right now it is 5 pm. I did not do much today but it was a mostly nice day. I sent a second query and felt good about it but got an instant discouraging reply. But really I don't know how things will go, so maybe I could even do a few more in the next day or so. Honestly I don't even know if anything would be hinging on it. Because why haven't the books already sold?

I just flipped through my hokey jokester book and pinnacle of human folly. I could feel that my attention span is still damaged by medicine but much better than it was. I am staying inside too much and need to get more exercise. I think one way to do that is to mail more books out.  So maybe I can look up facebook friends and see if they want books mailed to them. I mean there could be ten more people right now who would be so happy. But I don't know.  It could be that the book giving phase is finishing up. 

Anyway I think at 6 pm I will go to a Nami group.  I hope it is meeting. I wonder if I should take art classes or something. Well I do not know. Maybe do the Pratt certificate.

But I think I am going to be in PHP soon. I hope that works out. Do I need to email Drena? I will email her tomorrow to see if she wants to meet this week. 

I read some poems from Plaid Birds and was happy with them.  My poems are good and worth reading.  Where can I find an audience for them.  Do I need to start a book exchange? I just don't have leadership skills.  Do I need to ask for a corporate donation? Maybe that is what I should do. To just randomly do searches online for companies and see if someone will donate before I have a school confirmed.  And then call a few schools.

Well, have a good day everyone.