Hello everyone, it is 11:15 am on Thursday, Sept 25. I just went to 86 street and got my rent check. I also got some yummy food from Chick Fil A and 7-11.  So that is nice but I am still feeling bothered about a medicine issue that might bring back permanent feelings of abuse and injustice.  I am in a hospital program and it is really fun but I am not the same because I am on psychiatric medicine that stunts my attention.  And they want to increase my other medicine that I was substituting for this medicine that makes me lazy, etc. So that feels like a trick and betrayal, to generously agree to try  a new medicine and then it turns out they want to use both medicine and double my devastation.

And then yesterday I thought about accepting that I have paranoia and go ahead and take both medicines, partially out of consideration, and partially from looking at the benefits of it, which might not outweigh the drawbacks.  And I felt peaceful for about an hour but then was aware of how I got the paranoia symptoms and it was from Tamara's abuse, and the other four bad workers as well.  Well I have mostly moved on from that and even thought it may have worked out well because I am mostly okay with the medicine I am on now that it is reduced a little and I can read and write again.

So this was an unexpected problem.  And what they will want to do is treat that as well as if it were a symptom.  Well possibly I am better off without the ruined life, without the constant reminder of an abuse that went unpunished, etc. So just stay on the 40 latuda and .5 risperdal.

Another thing is that I said I was willing to do one mg risperdal and 20 latuda and they said no.  And I know I am right.  And that was enough in their direction that they should accept that.

And the other thing is that my current doctor is retiring and I do not know who my doctor will be.  

So maybe there is a therapy component that could help me decide to accept an injury to my life that is permanent and have faith in the fact that God will punish Tamara for it in front of all of humanity, and my losses will be compensated in heaven. It is a lot of loss though, the last five years of my life being absolutely ruined, with no new books and poems, no other positive activities, and no real preservation of the things that are at risk from paranoia.

So I think the thing to do is try to keep my .5 and 40 combo.