Ok everyone, it is Thursday, Sept 25. It is about noon. I need to take a shower and walk to the doctors office before the storm. I think I am able to take the medicine increase. It is only an increase of .5.  I think that will be okay and it will be a familiar risperdal feeling that has pros and cons. And then maybe eventually I can go to 20 mg Latuda instead of 40 after the hospital and I get my new doctor.

I think I can make some sense out of some of the abuse. So early on, how in order to protect me from the assault risks that come with mania, I was subjected to three other sources of abuse that were somehow accetable to everyone: my mom's control and psychological pursuit, the medicine that amounted to roofies, and the bookstore material that was unwanted and increased on purpose. So then you can see the target was my mind and soul.

And then the three three year tortures: the post college where I was on the wrong medicine, in a bad job, and persecuted by family.  And then during the MFA. the abuse at the workplace, the attached, controlling, and critical mom, and then the third thing. Was that church? Do I let them get away with too much?  And then the third torture, from mental health people, the missing book sales, and was it family again? or something else. Hmm I do not know.

And then I think I need to figure out the thing that is worth it. Is it the christian witness? Is it seeing people be okay on judgement day? I think that might not be it. Paul talked about loss being gain because it meant he knew christ. But I don't think that is it for me.  Because I could know christ and eat a lobster dinner with christ instead of being crucified in the parking lot. So I think it has to do with other people on judgement day. But I can't earn their salvation through my suffering but I can make relevant requests for them to not lose what was bought for them by christ's suffering.

Well, that is all.  There could be a tornado today that makes everything go crazy and it would be hard to make sense out of it all again. But really you can see some patterns and events and people.