Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Monday, May 11. I went to a meeting and then watched a youtube video of Princeton's Chapel Service. It was good. My therapist helped me with how I did not feel good.  I think I am okay now.  Soon I will go to the post office but I am waiting until the computer says my order has arrived.  It was a large order and I am taking my cart. I hope even the cart is enough room. It is 40 books total.  I think the cart will be fine.

So okay, there is some bad news, which is that my mom does not want to support the facebook video outreach.  So possibly that hobby is mostly over or at least postponed.  But she was not mad that I asked. She just doesn't like it for some reason. I mean that is weird to me. How can you not like that.

So anyway that means I will be kind of tight with my budget for a while and might not get to go to Asheville in October. Well that is okay. What I am worried about is that my mom is not going to double up on deposits and instead is going to grant my sister access to do the checks.  I could see this as a good thing I guess, like maybe it means my mom is about to cut me off for being gay.  So this is when and how we arrange for my sister to help me survive instead.  But practically speaking, I am a little bit worried about being able to pay the rent on time in June. But I think it will be okay.

About this thermostat quote, I think it can be cheapened to be about power, and maybe you aren't supposed to go after the power and even influence, but the service. That is how I felt before when I said it and I am going to have to agree with myself again.

Well have a great day everyone.

 Hello everyone, today is Saturday, May 9. I walked to Starbucks and got a chai.  And I also ate at McDonalds before that. I'm doing okay and just resting in my apartment.  One of my neighbors is really noisy and it has started driving me crazy. But I am okay. He is just really loud and talks to himself a lot. I would definitely rather have that annoyance than other problems, though.

I am relieved to feel mostly normal. I was worried that the low iron might be caused by one of my psych meds, but it is not. So I don't have a medicine change on the horizon.  That is a relief.  Wow that would be horrible.

I think I am going to listen to music for a while. I am just kind of shaken up by the week. Tomorrow I will try to go to both church services and bible study later. That sounds like a bit much but really isn't.

I think I don't owe any phone a friends any calls except maybe Charlotte tomorrow. I have a plan to give away my book rights at least temporarily if I sense that there are revenge plans from the people who murdered me.

I think I will play video games on my phone also.  I mean honestly I am a little shaken up sometimes.

My sister said this is me:

 458-9113

The eagle has landed

 Well hello everyone, today is Friday, May 8. I just finished washing the dishes and counter for inspection.  I think I have done better this time than last week. Last week I was too tired.  This week I was able to do a lot of chores.  I should sweep or mop as well.  But I think it is all set.  The conspiracy has rolled out some new stuff that is very bothersome.  It is people being hurtful to me and guys wearing no pants in various locations where it is probably illegal.  Once downtown, once outside a building near my apartment, and once outside my door. And the hurtfuls are once at bible study, once from poetry, and once from youtube.

So that is not a fun conspiracy and I do not know what to do about that.  I mean is that the point, that the conspiracy always kind of tortured me? Because honestly I found a lot of it to be good attention.

That was weird just now, I can't say that I understand why anyone would be so rude.

So anyway, what should I be doing right now? Maybe googling anemia.  I think what happened was from skipping two days of iron pills. But it was kind of extreme.  I am going to miss the hospitals if I leave here.  But I would love to go to Carolina Center for Behavioral Health.  I could go to PHP and IOP. I do not know if I could work there.  I think I would rather be a participant.

Where would I live? I would try to buy a house for Ravneet.  Ravneet, yoo hoo, please send me a message if you read this. What do you think of recent goings on?

Who wants the books I just ordered.  A lot of people.  I just need to send messages.  Also I forgot to send that pal from Linked In a book. Sorry! I will get to it!

Maybe that is what I should do today is reread books and mentally prepare for an actual rollout.  

Does anyone have any thoughts? I mean I do not know.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Friday, May 8. I am almost ready for inspection. I just need to clean the kitchen area a little more.

I feel better today and don't even really remember the anemia feeling. Is it possible that it is a latuda issue? I do not know. But I got sleep and felt strong enough to do inspection.  Actually last week I did not feel able to do inspection and today I do and it is going fine. Just a few more chores. So that was from fatigue.  Fatigue is not a game when it is severe.  And I think mine was dipping into severe levels. 

I took down the posts about torture on my facebook page.  There was something unresonant about the post not sharing to enough people, or maybe getting sympathy two years later when things might be okay.  It is possible that some things really can't be told.  So I do not know but one issue might be the albatross post and how I messed that up.  But one good thing is that the credit card did fix my name change.

So possibly do an inventory and some things have gone okay. The books are done. I think I am mostly okay with them.

I feel like some people are suggesting to move to Greenville. I have thought about it but don't see how it is possible.  Also I had intended to go down with the ship of NYC.  But possibly there has been a termination in the works and I am supposed to leave here.  But to go where? Probably Greenville.

I just need to sell books and have an income.  I have another suspicion but it is kind of weird.  And yet it could be true. Well, does anyone have any thoughts?  I think I did not do well with my behavior in NY. What do you gice think? I think I also had ups and downs with prayer, like some good but some not enough. But definitely PTS helped me and hopefully other people who had doubts.

But a lot of people concluded that most everyone was already on the right track.

Well let's see how inspection goes.  Then maybe some groups or a walk.

Does anyone have any thoughts?

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is 12:01 midnight on Thursday night. Tomorrow I have inspection. It is not that easy but I can do it. I am going to try ignoring it tonight and then going to bed at 3 and waking up at 10 am and cleaning.

Tonight a nice person named Dr. Mudge helped me with my low iron fatigue scare. I am ok. I might make some pancakes. Earlier I ate grits and it did not hurt my stomach.

I wish I had more ice cream but I have one serving of vanilla left and I mean why not be happy to finish the whole carton without wasting any. I am thinking add strawberry jam. 

Well, that is all for now everyone. Ravneet sent me some messages earlier and she is doing okay.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Wednesday, May 6. I went to a Nami support group and had a good time.  People are really going through a lot these days. I mean it is hard to believe but we are still the same nice people who were on facebook when it was such a miracle and I believe God will help us.

Tonight I ordered some more books and paid through affirm.  I think it was a good amount and I need to figure out who to mail to. I will have about 15 joke books to give away total, and 5 each of some other premium books.  But you know what, I think a lot of people would be happy with just a simple poetry book.  I am starting to assume people don't want the books because they are like me and can't read well.  But they can read fine and probably there are still a lot of potential readers.

Having my birthday and feeling the reality of just a few years left makes it easier for me to believe that I am never going to get a cash payoff for the books in my lifetime.  Like it is going to happen but not while I am here. I do not know why except maybe the conspiracy is trying to organize a life that has a certain suffering element to it for advocacy purposes.  And the idea is that I would rely on family money and never have a career that pays normally.  So I think I need to consider that and maybe talk to my mom some more about it.  I think this could be when I tell her the extent of my health stuff that she has been in denial about.  I think she does not ever want to get into a legal situation and I am kind of like that except that the abuses that have happened to me were so blatant.  It is hard to believe. I just don't know why they dared me to stand up for myself.

So anyway what is the total for me? It is limited.  It is about 24k times three.  plus maybe 25k extra.  So 100k left for me total. I am going to talk to my mom about it and see if we can afford for me to frontload some business expenses so the last three years, or really this year in particular, do the most they can to finish establishing the brand, reach people with books if they want one, and take reasonable advantage of the facebook opportunity.  I probably need to think about accepting some limits with facebook.  Like capping it at some point.  It will feel good to be done and I thought I was and then boom, there is a video opportunity.  I think that will last a year.  So maybe budget some now, some in the fall, and then really just let other people do their thing.  I am getting old and it is time to invest in whippersnappers.

Is that saying too much publicly.  Are people going to be mad at me?  I think if people think about their own cost of living then I am still in the low range. I mean a car alone would cost like 8000 a year.  And a house, no kids, no pets, no major debts, though a lot of expense is behind me.  But it is in the books and my survival.  The fact is that I survived and am at the thirty year mark for mental illness. 

So okay that just really made me feel better to get accepted for the affirm deal. Because wow I have had so many credit card rejections.  But I had acceptances but wow it is depressing when you don't get accepted.

So anyway okay that is all for now.