Hello everyone, this is Refried. That was fun to have a really cool blog post for a while, which was the post before this one.  But now I am typing the usual play by play mess that is on here.  It is 5:44 pm.  I set my alarm for 5:30 and rested a while. At 6:30 I have a toastmasters orientation. I can pray for college students and other young people if I have intrusive thoughts during the event. After that event I am going to a writing for your life presentation.  So I am skipping my two regular things.  I need to email Tami and tell her that.

Ok I just emailed her. Pals. I had an interesting afternoon with some fear and support. At Starbucks I was looking through my old twitter account and saw a funny onion article about a half pipe event for fork lifts.  So it was a photo of a forklift that was up above a skateboard ramp.  Well two days ago, I just had a dream where my friend's son was doing flips on a ramp with unicycle like a bike stunt, and I detected what I call a "Story shield." To me, a story shield is when God writes things into your life that throw off the spies of satan.  So if everything in your life was a movie scene or literary or monitored even more closely, there are similar patterns, events, words, and even thoughts that could be mistaken for other things by an evil spirit or some kind of surveillance from hell. I mean I even fear that a book about my life could be read later and then time traveler demons have complete access to disrupt almost anything.  And then one of my worst fears is more that the devil himself is actually reading my mind.  But I actually only felt his eyes on me one time when I had my most extreme prophecy as described at the end of Kmart novel.  It was when I saw God, and he was a tower reaching into the heavens. And then it split at the top like a mountain and a bookmark sliced open a story as if in a bible and two hands that at first were children's hands and became older offered a seedling plant and then all of a sudden there was an Egyptian cobra and striped pharoah headdress like thing and these black beetles or leeches covered me as I lay there and I imagined them all turning into marbles and piling into a cardboard box and then the box being melted by ore at the foot of my bed.  And then what to do with the ore. I think I imagined it turning into translucent butterflies and leaving the building.  So that was it. Anyway, during that, it seemed like Satan watched it from a certain place 90 degrees from the tower. I mean that is not how to describe the location.  It is kind of near the fire alarm that I feel watched from anyway.

So okay. That was the only time I ever felt Satan's eyes on me but I still get scared when there is a story shield.  And right now I do think there is a female demon within my soul who can probably understand a lot of my thoughts.  Something similar happened recently and I wrote on my blog that maybe that demon could repent, and I do think that when it got coughed out of a good person's mental representation, it was a fallen angel who could be set up with another fallen angel that had recently chosen repentance and joined a sky battle in the bronx.

So anyway the reason I think this demon is female is because I felt its thoughts overlapping with mine one night and it kind of had a laugh to it that reminds me of two other people now who I have talked to recently: Haley and Dr. Gokhan. So that could be part of a disguise.  I think it knows it might have a way out if it wants to be something good, but it has to be patient until some relief happens from whatever process is already planned by God. 

I mean wow, this is quite a follow up to that last post, isn't it. Well this is why I am a New York mental patient from HHC hospitals, and possibly New York Presbyterian, who has often been successful in making the worst bad feeling go away. 

That was what I was going to say, which is that I was emailing a note to myself about this and felt the bad feeling, as if it felt summoned, and it was awful.  And it was different than my story shield fear and in some ways, worse. But right then, my friend Cynthia called me, and the bad feeling went away.  So way to go, Cynthia, because not everyone is able to make it go away.  Mostly I feel that it is gone.  And then, when I checked my email after remembering another key person who might be helpful in some way, as well as another person who still needs a free book, I found a credit card offer that actually worked.

The word that comes to mind about that is hallelujah but I feel cheesy saying that. I mean I just don't say that but I don't want to not say it because is that one of those things you are not supposed to hide.

Well I do not know but I believe at least the bad feeling is gone for now.  So I do not need an online appointment, and I do not need to call the church people and seminary people, and tomorrow I can talk to my therapist without being sent to the hospital.

So I mean that is kind of crazy.  Whoever reads this blog post is going to be like what the ff-ing heck.

I just can't say how bad the bad feeling feels. But anyway I need to update all my backup file people and get all that stuff in perfect order.  But mostly I think it is okay. Like I sent what I sent and most of the good stuff is saved.  And possibly, on NYU levels, it is amazon kdp that has the real files.

Well, have a good day everyone. So scary that demons in hell might have read this email a thousand years later and sent bad people to mess up the school with problems in the 90s etc.  I am just joking!!

 Pals, if you do not get your book, please let me know or just order one later. I am sorry that sometimes the packages get torn or misdelivered etc.

The next batch is for Bronx Council for the Arts. There may be enough for the park or a normal few at pastors, priests, and guides. But there might not. So please be patient everyone and to my knowledge the Amazon page works so let’s none of us be too proud to just spend $5.

Hello everyone, this is Refried Bean. It is Monday, Sept 7. I just packed up three more books to mail out. So there are ten packages total. I hope they all get to the people and don't get sent back.

It is a good batch and now I have given away all my copies of the jumbo titles. But I think I still have two copies of the mice series but I think I will keep those for a while.

So that is interesting. That took a lot of work for a day or two. I mean maybe only a few hours.

So anyway now what.  I guess take my medicine soon. Or maybe take a walk. I think I will take a walk.

Maybe google the brain condition. My neurologist is keeping an eye on things. 

She said my brain adapted already to the low iron so there was not "damage."

ok,.. I just think this low iron situation is very bad. And sometimes I do not feel well.

But I think this is part of the process of dying and that is what is happening now.

So that is sad but it will be okay. 

I am glad to send out some more books.

I think I am at about 3000 total official, but really maybe 3500-4000 depending on what you count.

Some people are really happy to have the books.  Some people got left off but honestly it is not that easy.

But it is not that hard, either, like it is part of my normal work life.

Gice honestly my face is not totally back to normal and the weight loss stalled as well.

But it is okay. I feel okay and I have clean clothes and the roach motels are at the post office and the other shipment is on the way. Grocery money resets tomorrow and I am doing okay.

I will call my mom in a few hours and hopefully she is okay too.  I mean what if we aren't doing that great, that is also okay.

Ravneet helped me get through the weekend. I need to think about some of the conspiracy things. The New York conspiracy and how it is going to be fun in heaven. Like New York City is going to exist in heaven and there are a lot of good people headed there.  And some people didn't get their piece of the pie but just think about how cool most of us are. I mean we are nice people and a certain way.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is 1:20 on Sunday, Sept 6. I am listening to a recording of a presentation that I liked at the SCBWI conference. Friday I found out that the agent of choice did not accept me.

Today I went to Starbucks and drank a mocha. Later I am going to try to go get pizza, but I need to take an iron pill, because I feel myself getting tired. It is a certain kind of tired that also has a mental spaciness.

Ravneet is helping me get through this weekend and I am doing okay. I think I might believe things to be a certain way for myself. Last night I got upset because I realized an amazon package was not delivered, and I suspected mail interference.  But this morning I see that things are in order.

My mom had a second hip surgery and my sister is taking care of her. I called her this morning and she was okay. But she had pain but I think she is getting through it.

Wow someone on the recording just said something really good. It is about middle grade not being dead.

Other stuff going on is my recent neurology appointment.  Dr. Gokhan said I do not have lupus.  I think I am going to call it autoimmune from now on.  Something made me laugh at the appointment.  It was a comedian on the show called "Sherrie," which was playing in the waiting room. And I laughed really loud, and then Dr. Gokhan later laughed when I said I might get a stroke from eating spicy food. 

So that is kind of funny but we do not know what anything means. I did not get any notes from either doctor at that hospital for these last two appointments. And I am kind of sad about that, because I like notes. But I think they suspect that I am skipping some meds. But I am doing the best I can.

So anyway. I think the agent of choice was my final effort. Thanks KG.

Well everyone, I hope you all have a good day. I am thankful for what I have, and sometimes I know when some of my jokes are only a little bit funny.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. I just slept for a while, and I feel better. I had a dream where I was at a basketball game and a guy kept trying to make these shots from behind the goal and then another guy did some swishes and then I was at home and told my mom I was going to bilo to meet a friend so I left but then was on a bike or something and cut through a culdesac that doesn’t exist and there was this guy with a shiny pink tri corner outfit and he was a dad and he had left colorful twizzlers out on his porch area for the Easter bunny and then I was on Pelham road on a long boardwalk that went straight to bilo but it was at night and I had a light on my bike and a girl was in front of me talking to someone else about a film school project and then I woke up.

So that is neat about the twizzlers and Easter bunny.

I think I am okay about the other stuff on my mind and can get a pizza or something soon. I mean possibly I need to do a grocery order but I kind of want a pizza but now my bank accounts aren’t that great.

Does anyone have any thoughts? There are many different supernatural feelings for many different things and that is why I started thinking that anything positive might be more supernatural than we realize.

Anyway I need to clean my apartment some so I will take out the trash soon and maybe do laundry sometime.

I am glad I am caught up on sleep and medicine.

 Hey everyone, this is Refried. I took 5 books to the arts council and met a nice person named Tracy. She let me put the books on a table. Thanks, Tracy! She said I could come to an event and leave free books for everyone and I wouldn’t even have to hand them out personally. But maybe I should mingle. I think there is a possible gig but I might have something else scheduled that day.

But anyway that went well and I jibber jabbered at high speed so tomorrow I will try to slow down and not get in trouble about the medicine.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. The next thing to do today is walk back to westchester square. But it is hot and humid outside. So maybe I will but I don’t know.

I mean maybe it is not urgent to give those books to that office but I think I will but I remembered another possible person to send to yesterday.

But it is slowing down for a reason but that could just be my feeling of disability.

I kind of think passing out books in parks might be my new thing to do. I wanted to give that lady one today but it seemed like she was on a cellphone and I did not want to be weird.

So anyway ups and downs live and learn. It is time to eat some lunch. I mean what’s it going to be for lunch today. I guess fettuccine Alfredo. Hmm I could actually boil pasta and use that sauce. That is what I will do.