Gice possibly I was too slow to think of inviting a few people from my church in NY. Like I could imagine me plus Natalie plus Monique, or even five or six people just for fun. But it is invite only. And I think this is late in the game to secure an invite. But the pastor category is a thing and some people are online pastors. So if I said can I bring a friend who is also relevant to the conference then they might say yes. And people can only be an attendee now.

But honestly maybe it is a good idea. I think three of us. Because I am medically fragile. And I could ask my mom for some help but maybe less.

I just do really want to go to the conference if I can.

 Ok I think I am cracking the code on that. The issue is if I am asking a church to help out, shouldn't it be the other church.  And my feeling is that they already do their thing and I do mine, and they know that 2000 dollars would pay for half a year of the outreach in question.  It also creates kind of an agenda feeling, like what's in it for my other church that would help me go there. It is a mission other than the actual theme of the event.  This is the stuff that pastors have to figure out a lot. But a lot of solves itself because they are doing their main mission.  So do I have any conflicts of interests.  Not really, just a limited budget.  So now we question facebook not monetizing me.  And where are they? In the location of my church's jurisdiction.

I mean maybe this is interesting, maybe I just simply don't have enough money for a one day event where I would be utterly tormented anyway.  And then what else? I feel how close I am to being able to ask for help from my new york church but have felt like it is not right to ask for help on the memes.  And honestly I think I am right about both things.

Anyway I kind of think I am going to ask about the trip, to send another person and myself, but the other person hasn't been accepted with a free ticket. So hmm. I just think this is an opportunity to work this out.

I mean it might come down to the fact that I am not that active of a member.

But really I think all parties see the interests and goals.  And at the end of the day we try to save money but pray for the world because my gosh we do want people to go to heaven.

So anyway I have been feeling gallbladder twinges and I just ate a small piece of cheesecake and I am not sure that was a good idea but probably I will be fine. It feels lower than the gallbladder like the liver but I think it is the gallbladder. It is not that bad. 

Gice I think I can't ask for another person to go with me because they would have to be accepted too.  That is the issue and possibly one that I don't want to navigate and wait for. But I will think about this some more. I think actually most anyone who would go with me would also be innocent and not photo bombing the event.

 Pals, I have felt better about food this spring and am thankful for the vittles from Instacart. I will try to make some egg sandwiches and not waste the bread and eggs. I wish I had sausage but the shopper could not find it.

I might take my medicine at 3 am and try to wake up at 11 so I can go downtown at 2:30.  It is going to be hot but I will hopefully be okay.

Am I going to fly to California. I do not know. I mean you kind of just buy the plane tickets, book a hotel, and get a cab.  I don't know if I am up for it. I think they know it might happen but might not.

Most people don't have a lot of money right now.  For me there is a health factor, too. And scatterbrain.

What about taking a friend with me. Hmm I do not know. By the way I know I forgot a staff member. I can't remember the guy's name. I think it starts with an R and is the same name as a female that I know.  But I can't remember it and I am sorry.  There are probably other people anyway.

Ok this idea is forming.  Similar to what I dismissed. I was going to see if my liberal church wanted to send me as an ambassador to the evangelicals.  But I am like no, we cant afford it, and I am not that much of an insider to even ask.  But what if one of them also wanted to attend? I just don't know. They might feel like a caregiver. I will think about it.

 Ok back to the torture topic. I am a little tired of the subject myself. I think it was a power play from Greenville to NYU.  I do not know who has concluded what.  I actually think some people think it is my whole adulthood.  But I think of it more as three two year periods of a level 5 assault from stn, with many willing human weapons.

So three living hells.  And the rest just a hard life.  I feel that I always have company and many, many people dip into these same levels for significant time periods in their lives.  And then there is something else, which is losses, and that is pretty extreme as well.  And then the blindness from a lot of onlookers.  

There is something else interesting which is that I have for my whole life felt guilty to have a roof over my head but feel like this housing I have is fair and right. I always have stared at the ceiling in places and felt unworthy. But here I feel like a pea in the pod with everyone.

So that is interesting. I just wish we had a stop and shop and I don't understand why people had to hurt us all by taking it away. It makes me have despair for the whole country and world.

 Hello everyone. Today is Tuesday, June 30. I felt depressed and medicated this morning, but I am feeling better now and think I will have an okay night preparing for my open mic comedy show tomorrow.  I will use a small piece of paper and I am adding one joke to the evangelical section. It helps me to add a joke each time so I am not bored by my routine.

Some nice people who make demons go away reminded me of themselves and I really appreciate that. I am not really scared, just wishing for more visions.  But sometimes I am scared or bothered and the evil power did attack me about three times recently.  But I am okay right now.

I have two different feelings floating around, one of which is the frustration and emptiness from posting three books without the traction of sales and readership.  No one needs to call it torture, but it is a very sad life experience for me and not anything new.  But there is something else which counteracts it and that is my awareness of how amazing the conspiracy is.  I mean anyone would love to have even one percent of that attention.  And yet there have been combinations of both those things that have been hard to tolerate sometimes.  And there is a taunting teasing factor where my goals get with-held for twenty years as I work hard in front of an audience that seems supportive but watches things not pay off in normal ways.

No need to dwell on it. I just appreciate the creativity a lot but question the waste.  Same as usual.  There is waste.  I don't understand it.  And this fake promise that is still on the table, where there may be pending recognition but I would sometimes trade it all just to be able to call some people names. And how I might research a certain process and send an email listing 90 names of people I have chosen to curse at instead.

 Pals.  It is 10:30. I am doing okay. Will I make new memes. I mean I do not know. I don't have to suddenly make thirty memes. 

I don't think I will have a rivalry with other memesters. I am at peace with people being better than me on that. The issue was always that I had good material to share. But I see how a lot of memes are funnier than my poems. It is okay. I don't mind my memes being a bridge between those memes and people who have milder ideas. I don't mean that in a bad way. I still like regular thoughts from people. "I was hungry and you gave me something to eat." A lot of the stuff is going to be normal every day food, ideas, memes, activities, etc.

Anyway, I think I need to call my sister and ask her if she needs me to go to Greenville to help mom with her knee.

Tomorrow I will get my routine together for the open mic.

Toastmasters, I am sorry I missed the meeting. I will try again soon.

I am not happy with my sleep schedule and want to get back to normal but I can't.

I will try to keep walking. I did not walk today.

My doctor's office made an appointment for July 14. 

Well have a good day everyone.

 i don't really say well what I am trying to say about the virtue that some people focused on.  I found another mission where I had to be more human in the process.  And it was legitimate and should have had real societal fruit, truly for everyone, with plenty of character and christian witness.  But people blocked utterly any sign of harvest from my life, and unanimously tell me that I am supposed to be displaying these other levels of patience that I think might be highlighted a lot in the letters of paul.  And a lot of people try harder than that and do well.  But that was their mission, not mine. And I don't deserve to be judged by them. And I don't need people to create an illusion, an absolute deception, that my whole life was supposed to be some kind of rigged fake game to demonstrate that stuff, meanwhile with everyone acting like the actual calling that I succeeded at didn't count and never should have.

And maybe the issue now is that I am supposed to be on my path where I care less about what people think and not be affected at all by a disgruntled and fooled audience, but once again, I am questioned for caring about not wasting my life and opportunities. It is all seen as worldly and useless instead of my only platform after church has made their perpetual decision, completely consistent, to waste my gifts to the point of putting me at risk of not even staying alive.  That is what you people do, time and time again, and I knew thirty years ago that it would never change, and I was right about that, wasn't I.  But if I pretend to be a convert, then I can get enough attention to survive the attack from the worse people.