Hello everyone. I am in a writing retreat session and it is fun. Thanks Happy Writers. I like the book I did yesterday though I think it should have included one or more other blog posts. But it is okay. It was possibly questionable to post that thing about donut novel but I think that is okay too.

Something interesting happened which is that yesterday after that main blog post I felt a slight grief feeling similar to what I felt after posting that stuff in the PTS election year module.  And then things changed after that.  But this too was similar.  And the thing has to do with doing what I am supposed to without something being in it for me.  And in this case, my parents saving money for something as long as it would not benefit me.  So there is grief after I say that and maybe there is something wrong about it. But it kind of helps to have the similar decision again because I did conclude that I should in fact say this stuff and it is true. So does God have grief or something, or did the logos make the HS sad, kind of like how the bible says JC does not know the day when he comes back in revelation.  I mean is that some truth that most people aren't aware of but I have to see in some weird way about a certain aspect of my life.  

Well what do we know in my particular circumstance, is that it has to do with glory, it has to do with obedience for its own sake, or for an unknown sake, and now we see there is a NYC factor.  And what makes my parents agree to stuff. I just think what I have said is accurate in some way. 

And yet I did benefit, I did want to move to NY, and it is beyond belief that I got to.  That was the same with the Princeton stuff, so maybe some people are like how can you say that. Because I was blessed by it.

But I feel there is something where with the original thing, BN, I had to keep working there thinking there was nothing in it for me, and I did, and I consciously thought that, and I felt that people might really benefit from knowing that secret.  like how you just do stuff because you are supposed to and that is it. And was I wrong about how I thought there would never be a benefit, like is that inaccurate, and true faith knows that there is an eventual benefit.  Well I just don't know if that is true.  I feel that you do have to do stuff just because God says and not for a reward.  and this is weird how I am officially and publically obsessed with Judgement Day and think I am going to be on the rewards committee.  Well honestly God could take that away based on being ungrateful in the way that is in question.  Like if I say, I knew there would be no reward, when we see that obviously there was a reward.  And the question is did I know that then, too.  Well I think I did not and I felt like I should tell people that if you really want the cash you do stuff when you think there is no reward.  And that sometimes God hides rewards that thoroughly.  But anyway, about the NY thing and really NYU, and my parents agreeing and why. And the Barnes and Noble thing, like something that makes them accept it is that I would be humiliated to death, so they are like okay, sure you can be a cashier.  I mean it is ridiculous.  

But maybe the thing is that we are seeing that no they were in on it for another reason, to help me survive mental illness, which was my real reason, too. I just am not sure. I feel like there is some level where they agree with the NYU bullcrap and they are all on the same page with wanting to grind my worthless evangelical face in the dirt.

And that is in the post too. I mean that is it.  That is it, people.  And the way I knew it ahead of time.  And why would I know.  Because everyone already knows. That is how we have already been treated.

But why the grief feeling, I do not know.  Also it is a true grief that might not mean the other parties are that wrong. It is not the same as one of those lashes from Satan during the Barnes and Noble assault.  So interestingly too it could be related to the church splits.  The grief of the church saying goodbye to itself.

I mean I do not know. Does anyone have any opinions.  The thing is that I did question that post. Like my mom is helping me, we are mostly peaceful, I am thankful, and yet I felt I need to tell that story because that is what I am doing.  That is the project at hand and it is the truth that I saw. I just saw it in midair, and the section of barnes and noble that it was in was the line at the cash wrap area, like where the line manager would be during the holidays. So I mean hmm, what does it all mean.  And then Allison knows that and gets me to put out that fire outside in the smoking area that was full or dry pine needles.  I mean gosh the way they constantly tempted their employees to do bad stuff.  Supposedly neutral assessment tools, but really a horrible evil trap to ruin your life.

I also think possibly some people are tracking with this and that is why "gay" turned to "trans."  And I am a guy evangelical.  I mean am I the one being a contrarian and never identifying permanently with a cause? But what can we still learn, is maybe some of those trans people need to be trans conservatives.