Comedy Routine 8

Comedy routine

Hey everyone, it’s good to see you again, I recognize y’all from that flash mob at grand central last month.

sometimes I have to go to the mental hospital and they always assess my intelligence as average. And I have to say, yeah, average for a genius. And then they say, that’s a delusion. And I say, like your medical license. and then after that it’s just this weird electric shock feeling.

It’s fun being mentally ill. The doctors play practical jokes on you, like saying you can still have a normal life. But you know how normal is relative,  or is just an order from hallucinations telling you to defeat the four evil powers attacking your facebook friends.

I started liking groundhogs but at the lgbtq group they told me the b isn’t for bestiality. And then they said they were all q now for questioning their membership policy.

Low iron is giving me fatigue and I was already a really lazy person. My favorite animal was a sloth now it is rocks.

I think evangelicals could have talked about reincarnation more. Like you would really go for the forgiveness if you thought you a hundred lifetimes of sins. the pastor could just to point to someone  and say how do we know this guy wasn’t Joseph Stalin. I mean that is when everyone comes down for the alter call. Also here is another one. Instead of telling people not to do porn just say how good the porn is going to be in heaven. 

when a pet dies I think it is okay to grieve but not to build a shrine and do human sacrifices. just buy a new goldfish. That’s what I learned the hard way.

I hope the cops don’t go to comedy shows because my routines are kind of confessional. But I’m not going to do any jokes about assassination. Because really it’s not a joke, do you know what I mean.

On the subway I don’t often give up my seat. Even when it’s an old person I say, I have feelings too. Once on a bus I sat next to a seat that had coffee spilled on it and in my mind I decided what to say to the next person who got on the bus. I would say I’m like Rosa parks and  I will absolutely be on a postage stamp over this. You guys probably think I did end up standing. Well of course not, I sat in the coffee.

Life is rough now. Even the muppets are starting to crack. And the news casters. you know what I don’t do well with is civil unrest. For me I choose criminal unrest. Like if you are going to be sent to jail, make it be for something really bad, like giving food to poor children.

I do get treated like I’m homeless or even worse sometimes, and I’ve thought about telling people I did do something bad. Like drug dealing or shoplifting or being an evangelical. Church people get blamed for a lot of stuff, like the decline of western civilization, or even western civilization. 

Which reminds me, I have some ideas for horror movies: like okay, Clifford the big red dog gets rabies, Or Sesame Street gets some new monsters but its real demons. maybe now that our lives are messed up then the new shock value genre is videos of peaceful rivers. 

Well, I guess that’s about it. I’m going to call and tell my mom I’m a real comedian. And she’ll say really, you’re famous? I’ll say, no, homeless.  You’re on the road? No, I’m on the streets.