hello everyone, today is halloween. i went to my mental health program. i wore a shark costume.  i shared a little short story on facebook that i think was really funny. my mom sent me a text and she was able to get a problem solved. she insists that she is able to do things herself.  so i can expect that for a while and not interfere.

i might go outside soon where it is cooler. in new york there is a drug problem so probably hundreds of thousands of young people are being abused right now. shattered hopes and dreams, lifelong trauma. it is too much to pray for. hopefully the social workers will help everyone tomorrow at school and some of the bad people will go to jail. 

i got materials together for an art school application. i might try to take art classes and really go whole hog to do art for my books and illustrations for posterity. i hope i can maintain motivation that overcomes any fatigue from health decline.

I wonder what ravneet is doing tonight.  maybe she is at a party. maybe she is passing out candy. maybe she is watching a movie. maybe she is cooking some food.  i already ate yummy food this week.  i ate mexican dip and rice krispy treats.

so what will i eat for dinner.  i do not know. do i have a pizza in the freezer. maybe.  instacart would be nice.  what do you gice think about an instacart order. I think halloween night is a little bit like christmas morning and it wont be me who demands that work from someone.

I have a can of bruce's yams in the cupboard. maybe that is what i will eat later.

i drank some coffee. i could have one more cup of coffee if i really want some.

i just remembered that tonight is support group night for nami.  i am happy about that and it will be my socializing.  

people were nice to me today. i feel that my friends were there for me. i still have a depressed mood though so i need to do what i can to be okay.

maybe i will find some funny movie scenes on youtube.

maybe i will look up recipes and plan some christmas snacks.

i did share candy a little bit today.

i just now remembered i have twizzlers in a bag here somehere.

well that is all.

i am worried that some people have the wrong idea and i have to say that ravneet is my person everyone so friends are friends forever only.

what platter of splattercrap will this day bring

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. Today is Oct 24. I remember that something is scheduled today but I don’t know what. I had some problems yesterday. I missed an appointment for an interview. It traces back to not even checking to see what time it was in the first place.  What caused that.  Well I did get discombobulated with two scheduled events, both of which happen to be church things that I am not clear about whether I am welcome to. And that is not even my main church that I tried to go to.  Sometimes it seems like a creative conspiracy to match some of my symptoms of disorganization.  But really I need things to be easy and clear.

But maybe I don’t know. Maybe I don’t know what I need for disability intervention.  However I can see sometimes that when I do my ways of achieving success despite illness it turns out better than when other people go for the health and trip me up for a good cause.

So anyway I missed an appointment and canceled my candidacy for an advisory panel that I did want to be on.  Really I think that did not go well but I adjusted my hopes from my original excitement when it turned out to be a multi step process towards acceptance after an email made it sound like you were being invited. Like I already had gotten faked out so this just sealed the deal.  But I think other people will be sad to miss out too. I think people would have enjoyed being on the panel with me and it would have been a bright spot in my bullied Bronx existence.

So that is too bad. 

I also I think said something questionable about not having a good living situation and mental health care. And that was after a good day at my mental health program where I passed out candy corn.  

But I think that happy time might have also been somewhat of an indication that I should be working somewhere and not bullied by staff at multiple locations.  And now I see how people might have been hiding from the hospital in order to maintain rapport.

Well it was a switch up change up jumble mix shuffle and I feel loss and grief. 

I’m voting for kamala but will never be part of any northern in crowd as far as movements and politics go.  And I think that the south’s transition to persecuted minority will be glorious as it already has been. So here I am yet again, for the fiftieth time, on my own with my only role being prayer. Really that is an honor to be flattered and chosen by God in that way, like he wants me yammering in his ear.  And I do feel the love from that, it is nice, and what have we gotten from it, it is facebook, it is the animal videos, that is from my prayers.

rendering unto caesar might have to do with object relations

 Hello everyone, it is 5:38. I have inspection at 8 pm. Today I was treated pretty bad at my apartment and prepared for a refrigerator trade out that did not happen.  I just wrote about it but am not posting that post. I am going to try to get back to happier interesting posts.

I might start working on rodent drawings and take some classes to try to improve at painting, watercolors, and pen and ink. There is a certificate program at a local school that I might try to participate in.  I think it is just right. I hope it works out.

I had a spell of considering a higher level school program but I think those spots are for people who need an experience like I had a creative writing school.  And it is expensive. But wow it is neat and probably a cool world full of creativity.

Possibly I will relocate my soul to art life after not finding the acceptance I expected as a re-vangelical. I guess in about ten years some of those leaders will come clean and tell the truth about why they were scared to do what is right in God’s sight.

Two more hours until inspection. I have to do some dishes. When will I do laundry, I don’t know. Yesterday I saw a snake hallucination.  It was after a mild twitch.  It is some kind of seizure but I think the neuro people think it is mostly nonepileptic. I’m kind of bothered by how gleefully some people marked me down as having something “pseudo.” I guess it is a way of making religious visions seem less real.  

Tomorrow I go to my access-a-ride appointment. I hope they renew my participation. I think they are trying to reduce subscribers through mistreatment and burdensome paperwork. But I just keep plodding along through depression, poverty, and racism. I think some of it is from spiritual warfare at the borders of areas where most people do what they are supposed to. So this is where the attack is, and the decayed souls that demons feast on.

Hey everyone I quit soda

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. Today is Oct 10.  It is 11:30.  At 4 pm I have inspection at my apartment. I think I will do okay. I just have to do the dishes, make the bed, put up some clothes, and take out the trash.

I already did some laundry. 

There has been a recent life change to announce.  I unexpectedly stopped drinking soda and now drink water.  It happened over about a month and a half and I am starting to see signs of weight loss.  That was why I did it, in a panic, I just started drinking water and then two or three times decided not to buy cokes.  That was a challenge because buying them is also fun.  I never thought I would quit. But I think it is going to be permanent.

I think this will be a key month, two more weeks and then that will be two months.

I will tell everyone what I think the secret is.  A lot of the advice online talks about substituting the drinks. 

But what I did is severely switch to water, not even refrigerated, and the real substitute is that I bought extra candy at stores, like whole candy bars, mostly Charleston Chew, so I was still indulging in sugar.  I did not do it like drink for drink, and I don’t know if it would work if you did that.  I just ate as much candy as I wanted. On Sept 11 I bought 10 candy bars. And then sometimes I would eat too much candy. But sometimes I would forget about it.  And the whole time I was drinking water.  And now it has been a month and a half, so why turn back? I can imagine my life without coke.

Now the trick is to start reducing that other stuff.  I am still drinking two sugary coffees a day.  Possibly I will get it down to one but I don’t think I will really have to. I think I will still lose the weight at two coffees and occasional candy.

That is crazy, isn’t it, well I drank a lot of soda.  I am also walking, and I might reduce some psych meds and then it will really be over and I will be in a different bracket.

I have lost 5 pounds so far.  That is enough to motivate me.

So that is good. I was in a psychiatric hospital program which has benefits and drawbacks as far as weight goes.  But I think it did contribute to why I got used to drinking water.

So I can’t say that people can easily just do it but see if you try what I did.  Like don’t go for the weight loss at first.  Don’t do both things. Just cut the soda and use any indulgent substitute, and then after a month, see if you don’t’ take pride in “not drinking soda.”

We will see how it goes for me.  It was an emergency and now I think I will slowly be okay.

 Hello everyone, today is Sunday, Oct 6. I am doing okay. This morning I had a dream that I was leading a group project to create a board game set and we had one step for someone to color a section either purple or another color and I decided we should make one side be a make your own game board where they had a blank board and a spinner and they could make up the rules as they went along.  But I didn’t feel that good about it because making a game was our project, so we were just passing it along.

Then I woke up.  I am at 198 pounds.  That is good and a hopeful number that means I will probably continue to not drink cokes any more. I am doing well and have gone over a month now drinking mostly water at home. But I think I am not losing a lot of weight but maybe once I get the walk pad then things will improve.

I am not dieting and exercising as a weight loss plan so I don’t know why I expect to lose any weight but I just was thinking maybe the medicine hange alone would do it.  But I also know the medicine change is only slight in terms of appetite factors.

I have been blogging a lot haven’t I, well blogging makes me happy.

Hyper-predestination

 Hi everyone, welcome to my blog. I just posted posts on my theology blog that I believe were a little bit Yale branded. Which I don’t mean in too much of a rude way.

In one hour I am attending a youth ministry program on airmeet.  I like that platform. I am kind of just a visitor but think it will be nice.

I think it is making me think of theology posts.  So far I am not too much off the deep end except at night. But last night I thought of emailing a researcher who is doing a project on spirituality and psych meds. And that helped me stay grounded. 

I do not have milk right now. I think my fridge is not keeping things cool long enough. But I am eating the yogurt and sour cream and it is okay so far.

Ravneet did you like those posts. I think I am onto some stuff even though it was kind of like kook central again.

Everyone, I am having trouble with purpose and work direction. I think it is from not mailing out books and a pause in advertising because of finances. Maybe I do have a job to do and it is going fine.

But I see my email inbox filling up more with junk and I am in less frequent meaningful contact with friends.  And I am not exercising as much as I thought I would. New York Presbyterian charged me late with a hospital bill and now I might not be able to afford the walk pad I was thinking about buying for my apartment.

So I do not know what it all means but probably the flooding in NC is not about me. A lot of people are okay. I don’t know whether to tell people that 230,000 people died in the 2004 tsunami, but there it is if anyone needed that.

Hello everyone, I am waiting for my phone to charge so I can go to walgreens for some supplies. Here is a photo of me and my name banner that my friends and I painted at the hospital program I recently participated in. I was going to post it on facebook with a few jokes but for some reason it did not feel right.  I do not know why, because it seemed like a classic post with some funny jokes but I just didn’t so I am posting on my blog.

I don’t really have anything more to say about hurricane Helene. There seem to be some problems now in the mountains. My sister has a mountain house and her husband drove up there to check on it.  Personally I did not think that sounded safe, but they said the damage wasn’t bad.  I think maybe some people do plan to still live life up there and not just abandon the town.  

I saw a post from a lady who lived through Katrina and she said stay or go, that is not the thing that is good or bad. So I guess some people will stay and rely on aid until they can get an economy going again.  There probably will be some business to be worked at as part of the recovery.

I am seeing mixed views of the helicopter rescues. I guess Wall Street Journal printed a story about army helicopters in order to keep everyone safe. But it was kind of a weird story where they almost rescued a guy but didn’t because the ground was too soft to land. That to me just doesn’t sound right.  And I think the skies are full of local helicopters.  Some of them might be late to the game from fear and want to help after it is too late.

That is bad of me to say, isn’t it.  Well some things just don’t seem right to me. How late the government aid was, and now people want to complain about help for immigrants.

I mean honestly it makes me wonder if Biden is lagging on purpose as a war against his own people. Like people are no longer hiding their intent to only govern their half of the country.  To me if you do that then it becomes hypocritical to criticize the fringe extremists.

 

Connoisseur's Column

 Hello everyone, how are you doing.  This is Refried again. It is 10:30 on Oct 1.  I am thinking about posting a post soon for my facebook friends, telling them to feel free to still like Barnes and Noble. Today is the 25^thanniversary of my first day of work there. I am glad I worked there and thankful for my life. I feel like some trickle of book sales would help me feel more accepting and purposeful about all of it. But my facebook page with some of the content that did reach people helps with some feelings of futility.  

I just ate two fried eggs with cheese. It was yummy.  Soon I might make a cake or brownies, and some cheesy rice with cream of chicken soup. Am I going to mental health program today? I do not know.  I thought I would go to the grocery store as well but I think it might be better to not spend the money.

I think I am going to buy a walk pad.  It is like a miniature treadmill.  I don’t see much weight loss happening so far from my switch to Latuda medicine.  So it is possible I will go back to two mg of Risperdal.  But let’s give it a chance and see what exercise does.

I think the people who are willing to take the risk of increasing the Latuda and skipping the Risperdal might take for granted some of my actual compliance. The apartment people wanted to see me as noncompliant.  It gives them power, which is a favorite thing here in New York.  People can say that I don’t know what it is like to not have social power and if I did I would not criticize.  But I feel sorry for people who can’t see where the real power is, which is in honest service.  

Anyway we have discussed this before, millions will eventually probably die in a war because of it, but I am not one of the casualties that matters. However I will say it again, that your shame will continue until you figure out that righteousness pays.

Now the mental health people will read this and retaliate. Like I said, it will just add up and find a larger audience who sees it for what it is, overt emotional abuse and criminal harassment, immature, petty attacks from dishonest cheaters.

Well, that is all, I knew I had another blog post to write, I guess it turned out to be the same material as usual. See you online, among the videos of people getting what my abusers deserve.

Greenville and Asheville

 Well hello everyone, this is Refried, reporting from New York. My hometown got hit by a hurricane this past weekend and they are working to reconstruct the whole power system.  They are doing very well, and people are gradually getting back power.  They had estimated two weeks at first but most people will have power by Oct 4.  So that is more of a five day plan.  My mom got power yesterday.  People really are dependent on that stuff, and I will learn not to be ashamed of those factors like I sometimes am. I just heard too much church teaching about idolatry which blames people for any dependence they have on earthly things.  But now we see that people need food, water, and shelter, and God does often provide through human hands.

So okay, North Carolina.  A tragic devastation.  I am not sure the rescue efforts have gone well.  I myself posted an update video from the governor and thought things sounded hopeful, but I am not sure they reached a lot of people with supplies and transportation.

I don’t know if I should say anything about politics.  Some people were just too quick to mention global warning, and I am embarrassed for those people and see it through the eyes of those who have always felt persecuted by those leaders.  They will probably always lead only half the country.

However I think NBC news report’s story where they featured the Hernandez family whose daughters were working in a plastic factory during the flood and are still missing was a mostly good report and exposed a pretty bad scenario where people should have been safe at home instead.  The forecast predicted flooding in this area and those people had to go to work.  It is a problem in our country for a lot of people, including major corporations. 

Biden seems bored by the hurricane, there was no sending whatsoever of army and rescuers during the actual event and crucial days afterwards, but he will fling money at it later on like he does with any other problem.  I personally am glad nuclear war was delayed by his presidency, but at some point there needs to be more forceful action taken against the crisis and evil that is happening everywhere.  And who will do that.

Today my mom is going to the grocery store and chick-fil-a near her neighborhood.  I think she might underestimate some of the panic that could be happening.  I hope she will not freak out and hit or push anyone with her old age mental illness.

Mostly I still think that people are peaceful enough with their politics and the leftist reactions to these recent events are plenty good enough for anyone to work with.  And the south’s continued need for financial support will cure some of the stubborn opposition to government funding in some scenarios.  It is just true that there are a lot of people with life problems as bad as a natural disaster.  I won’t take that back no matter how unfathomable the mudslides truly were and still are.