Hello everyone, it is Monday, April 27 at night. I just went to an awesome workshop led by my friend named Shemaiah, which means "God hears." Wow, that is really cool. Something came to mind which is a question I have about an essay I wrote which happens to mention a time in my childhood when I wore a heavy backpack when hiking and when I took it off, I thought I could fly.  Then, towards the end of that essay, there is a mention of a manic episode where I thought I could fly. And interstingly, the manic episode happened as I became relieved to finish college after becoming severely depressed during sophomore year.  But in the essay, I mention the manic episode without describing the part where I stood on a parking garage wondering if God wanted me to prove that I believed I could fly.

And I have always questioned my writing in that book, and felt that in reality, I was set up for a perfect essay but did not deliver on it.  Why is that? I borrowed a line in the essay about being "safe but not sound."  Did I forfeit a writing blessing by repeating something I heard somewhere else?  I do not think that is it.  And there is weirdly something else that I left out of that essay on purpose which was some bad stuff my dad did.  So what does it mean? Was it God tricking Satan so I could later write this blog post about it? Because I think there are implications for essay writing and the things in our lives that God has given us to write about, or that he has already "written" directly by making it happen.

Also interesting is that just this week I told someone about the woman at the well who said "When the messiah comes, he will explain everything."  And last week I was hoping that in heaven, Jesus Christ will do a powerpoint presentation about my life and tell everyone some psychoanalysis about my family problems.  I am thinking of a small lecture hall. A college classroom, even.  To sum it all up and make it worth it.  I mean could an essay not do that beforehand? Some people do achieve that, not once, but as a career, almost every day. They make sense out of things. Ideas fall into place. 

I was blessed as a poet. Maybe it is a confirmation of calling.  Like God himself saying, you are not a CNF writer, just yap on your blog and be a reporter.  Can people tell by this tone how I did try to make this an essay? But what is the conclusion: that I think I can fly but I don't think I can write an essay.