Hello everyone, this is Refried. I just got back from going downtown. I got my rent check and I went to the Sept 11 museum. The museum was nice, not too crowded, but still too crowded for me to see everything. So I zoomed through and left. I will just have to read more about it online.  I bought the flag with all the names of the people who died. I am happy to have that, it is really cool and I don't know why I was slow to realize that the list of all the people is great and I didn't need to find the first responder poster.

Anyway I also bought two medalions which were for sale for only 5 dollars. Those are supposed to be something military people give each other as an honor but hey I'll buy one for five dollars.  I think they mean it as a gesture for people who care enough to visit the site.

I have one from wounded warrior too.  That reminds me to go check my briefcase that I saved from my apartment. I did not save much from my apartment when I moved.

So anyway okay.  I felt emotional one time when I saw the virgil quote and then the view of the outside fountain was neat because the water was shining off it in a way I haven't seen before.  So that was nice. And then I went and had a coffee in my spot.  People always give me a chair there, thanks everyone.  Your names will go in my gardens in heaven.  Like the memorial but it will be all the crowds who were nice to me in my goings and doings.

Just think of all the subway people who have given me a seat. It is a lot of people.

So anyway, Karla was nice to me when I got back, I think it is a sign that they aren't going to send me to the hospital. But she gave me my medicine and who knows, it could be wrong or something. Meant as another trigger.  But what if I just don't check it now.  What if I wait a week and feel okay.

I am feeling bad again about the missing writing career. I think it is from not mailing and giving books. I mean do I need to keep doing that? Should I get another credit card for that? I do not know if I should. Because mostly I feel like I gave enough books away and people started saying they did not want them.

So what I need to be aware of is that this could be another round of feeling the missing career.  But maybe I can sell to India, and maybe I will get an agent.  And maybe the next generation will find me somehow, or a publisher saves the day in some way. Also I am basing some of my frustration on a prophetic view of my life when I was younger and saw my writing path and the missing money and readers. I saw it, and then I saw that it might change, and instead I am still a writer, but wait, the money is still not there.  And I wasn't happy.  And this is driving me crazy to think tht my soul might really not be satisfied with the outcome of these books, after I really did nail it with the content.  Like the content is what it is supposed to be.  But I think maybe for some reason the impact comes later.  I also am remembering another view of my life where I saw myself working in a bookstore and then being a literary author, and I was like okay, sure.  So this I think is the view that will help me feel better.  That it is my destiny.  That I gave up my other dream of advertising and did what God offered me, and it won't be taken away. It won't be thwarted.  And it is a career and it is happy and goes well, as much as anyone else's career does.  I jsut don't have the money, but that means in the biography, I will be more poor than normal in a noble way. And God knew I was into that stuff and he took away the other stuff because I would not be able to give that up myself.  The fact is that I do like comfort and I would live a lifestyle more rich than is a good witness.

So anyway, it is so bad that I am saying this, but it is not happy to look back on a prophecy and not see the fruit of your labor.  To think there is a satanic swindle that goes unanswered.  It disturbs me.  I saw it and was not satisfied.  But other views were a good sign. So I don't know what to think.  What does it mean, I don't know. I think I should remember the happier more optimistic views. There were things that were good and hard to believe. But the emptiness of the swindle, and the people who say haha, too many people who think I deserved that when I didn't.

So anyway, I got a new container of milk and will have a third coffee later. I think the hospital threat is fading but I don't know.  I might have bothered Drena but it might be okay. I think I did not email her too much and I think it is okay I sent her an ai picture.

Okay have a good day everyone. I am not doing well with my facebook page but it is because the numbers got switched and I don't feel as good about it sometimes and I posted weaker images in question.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Sunday, Aug 24 at 10:15 pm. I sat in my room all day but it was a good day. I felt better and not as triggered by the hospital threat. Hopefully I can do php and be a nice person there for a while. Today I went to bible study and it was nice. It is a good bible study and interesting to me. Church was good earlier too.  I prayed a lot today. You are not supposed to say when you pray but I just frankly have all my cards out on the table and there are times when I don't pray well so I say when I do. For one thing, I want people to have hope that they will get some stuff, because they will.  And I also feel that the conspiracy of friends who has helped me stay alive are supporters who should receive updates on their investment.  So there is a harvest of prayer. And then the answers from God.  But wow it is a mess out there so what exactly were those prayers?

I need to ask Ravneet something. I hope she is getting money from book sales that I know nothing about. 

The thing I need to ask her is that my cousin wants to make her a hat and I need to find out what color she likes. Today I unexpectedly ran an ad for more facebook followers and only targeted usa.  And wow the numbers are tiny, like the ad isn't reaching a lot of people. About thirty people per dollar even see the ad.  That is a little stinge-y, but my other pages are doing well in India.  I wonder if I can sell some books in India.  It makes me feel better to think that Ravneet might be getting some cash and there are secretly sales here.  But people still don't seem to know who I am, so I do not know.  I mean that was something weird with the conspiracy, too.

But anyway I need to pray for my facebook friends and people's health. It is just always good to do that.  But to me we should all do that for the whole country and world.

Ok I erased something.  Well, have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, I swept up the peanut shells from under my chair. It looks better near the table now. And I threw away the broken other chair. I guess now I should be reading for fun.

The theme is be thankful for what I have. What else will I clean today. Maybe put up some of the boxes and organize the books. And clear the table. The weather is nice outside. It would be a good day for sept 11 museum but I can't. People need to be understanding about that because the threat to be sent back to the hospital is bad suffering and I need to play it safe.

What should I read. Maybe the Bronx Combo series. Do you gice like my books? Am I a children's book writer? I think I am.  I think I did what I did.  Funny poems, religious poems, probably for teens.

So now what. Maybe take a walk.  Maybe later I will walk to Mcdonalds. I mean it would be nice to have pancakes there but I can't get there in time now.  In thirty minutes my churches both start online.  I could have gone in person, maybe I was wrong or something. But I think I should accept my disability.

That is what it is, even though it seems like laziness.  It is mostly from a year of too much latuda.  

My medicine is so much better now and I hope they don't change it. I need to clock some weeks and months on it successfully.

I mean what was the problem, is the issue that I asked to be in PHP and I already had the pros program? 

Ok for food I have bean dip.  And I already drank coffee. I kind of want a second coffee. What do you gice think about that. I think maybe wait a while and drink it later.  Ok phone a friend soon.

I need to not be in the hospital if the agent calls back.  Possibly she will but I do not know.

Maybe send Rita the link to my advocacy success.  

 Hello everyone, I woke up to good facebook numbers. I felt bad last night some but am okay. I just need to avoid the triggers as much as possible. I will try to email Drena Monday and tell her I am okay. I think it is mean to make me think I can be in PHP and then start making me feel worse. Last week's triggers were bad and unexpected but I will try to do well this week and take my medicine earlier.

I took it at midnight last night. This morning I took out some trash and put dishes in the sink.  And I will clean my table area soon. Maybe I should read something today. I keep wanting to read Poncheesy but I think maybe it is something else that I should read. I need to be patient about book sales. It really might not happen for five more years.

I am not going to Sept 11 museum this morning because I need to go downtown tomorrow for my rent check.  So I will wait and do that then.

Gice I feel like people were a little bit mean to me yesterday. Like it was hard to believe and maybe I am wrong. But I do not know. I think I will do some phone-a-friends today.

 Hello everyone, I just took a long walk to the grocery store. It really wasn't too far away. I only got jello mix, cinnamon roll dough, and tostitos.  Those were the missing ingredients for the dishes I have planned.  It is the same list as last time. That food kept me going for a month, and I think I will try that again, but eat more hamburgers. I have those burgers in the freezer and will try not to waste it.

I just now ate a butterscotch pudding. It is my favorite. It is nice because it is refrigerated. When I was a kid I usually ate the hunt's nonrefrigerated kind.

So okay. I am able to figure out the writing thing mostly. Try to gift Lori the retreat and save the rest of my money for a novel critique on Poncheesy. Time is running out. 

Other issues: Only two pans for strawberry pretzel salad and potato casserole.  So do the bean dip in the aluminum pan and the corn casserole also in the aluminum pan at a different time.  Which one should be first. I do not know. Probably I will cook that tomorrow.

I hope I can get through the gate area to go to Sept 11 Sunday. There is a problem smell at the corner and it makes me gag severely. I think I can hold my breath though and get through it.  But today just the anticipation made me gag on my way back and I had to walk around the block and add 45 minutes to the trip home.  So anyway, what else.

I guess that is all for now. Definitely some peaceful feelings sometimes. It could be part of the latuda mood lability. But I would say it is a happier lability now that the dose is reduced.

Well have a nice day everyone.

 Hello everyone, it is Friday, August 22.  The housing people are being mildly mean to me because I am signing up for a php program and they are indicating that I am on medicine watch.  There is something well intended about it and I think I am supposed to feel some security from it.  But really to me I experience it as a threat of severe harm to my life and health.  But I am going to try to think positive about it and be patient with it. I will stay mostly in my room. I might clean up a little bit.

Ravneet is very proud of me right now because I went to the grocery store. And I sold three books. Thanks Ravneet.  There was a message saying I can now receive money. I do not know if it is true, but it might mean that my books sell. Drena reminded me that I might want to move to Greenville. Maybe.

What food will I eat today? I could go buy some strawberry jello from the nearby Key Food. Or I could make an orange jello salad. Hmm I do not know. This might be a corn casserole day while I have eggs.

Today I talked to a peer named Ann Kasper. I told her about a recent advocacy victory. I might tell Dan Frey tomorrow. I think I am going to go the Nami meeting at 3:30 if there is one. I skipped wellness talks.

This recent set of events is something that the conspiracy is saying is the case.  I think they mean the case that the legal assault was based on in 2011. So it has to do with people being held accountable for destroying other people's mental health work. And then the additional retaliation on me, and the resulting loss for millions of people.  And then where is their justice. Well possibly one thing is that people have been upgraded to theologians. I mean we are entrusted with condundrums.

Is it now time for a bean dip. Not necessarily because I need to buy the tostitos.  So I will do that later at about 5 pm and take the other route because of the incident at the gate.

Okay have a good day everyone.

 Ok everyone, it is 9 pm. I need to crack the code on food but I had cereal earlier.  I mean maybe just use tomato sauce on the noodles.

I feel good about the project I did. I did the right thing and justice is on my side. There is something else interesting about it, too, which is that it protects people if I ever get targeted past my capacity, which is the whole point. 

I think something else is that this is the twenty year case. This is the issue and why I was a target. It's not about me, it is reaching past me, and everyone knows it. And now it can't be denied. And if people say, gee, this is public, I will say, that is exactly the issue and you made your choice. 

I feel the spiritual difference from the art shares being over.  That is very interesting to me and I think that it says a lot about the people who support me from other countries.  

Am I supposed to send the joke around soon? Maybe so. I mean I don't know. I feel like it is good to pause with facebook because I just did five posts.

Gice I think the thing that is missing is hearing back from PHP. I think that is the thing that is missing.  

Well, everyone, have a nice day.

 Hello everyone, today is Thursday, August 21. I just tried to make macaroni and cheese and it did not turn out right because the milk was too skim. So I will figure out what to do and maybe just eat the noodles. I could put sour cream in the noodles and eat creamy noodles. Or I could add tomato sauce. Hmm. 

I went to a support group tonight and it was nice. Then as I was cooking the noodles it felt like christmas. I think that was some dementia because someone mentioned christmas. But it made me feel better. 

I might go to the september 11 memorial tomorrow.  Maybe I will get up early and do that. It is hard though when getting up early isn't your true schedule.

I got trolled on facebook and it did make my mood drop a little bit. 

I think I am going to send through my joke from the jokes page soon.

I feel good about my creative project.  I think I got it right but I need to add one more name.

 Hello everyone, it is 1 pm. I am eagerly awaiting my appointment with Drena, who is my therapist. I need to ask her an opinion about an in progress project.  Some people will say, it is too late, it is not in progress, it is done.  But it is not yet. I have to keep it like it is to show her in one hour.  

I think I am right about it. It was weird to get a reaction like I did from a friend I talked to about it.  It was valuable but I think the person is wrong. I kind of want to show it to one more person in addition to my therapist. But I think I will base my decisions about it on what my therapist says to do.

If there is an issue about it, my defense is that it is journalism and true. It is obviously my reaction to actual abuse and an attempt to protect people from harm.

So anyway, I am not worried about it. I tried an alternative temporary format and I could tell that my original decisions were just right.

Well, have a nice day everyone. What should I eat for lunch. 

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. I am planning to try to go to the grocery store at 2 oclock.  That is one hour away. I might try to reread Poncheesy later. 

Yesterday I got zapped on purpose by the mental health programs. So maybe I will just quit. If the program isn't going to be a positive thing then why go. Because I am forced to. Ok.

I could trade it with exercise and just try to walk on my treadmill or something.

I ran the ad for the video and hopefully that will go well. It could change my praying some but I think the people from the other posts add power instead of spending it. So that could be good.

Maybe going to the grocery store isn't that big of a deal. Like just try to schedule an access a ride sunday. And today go to key food and see how it goes. 

Well have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone. This is Refried.  I talked to my cousin this morning through email. I need to call but I did not see her number and then I found it after I emailed. I do want to catch up.  So I will do that.

My facebook numbers improved from the feeling that possibly they had been cut on purpose. It seems more normal and was a good campaign this time.

I think there is one more day for two posts. The post I thought would be 600k is going to be a cool mil.  That is more what it should be and I am glad about that. I mean it might be 1.1 which is almost double the amount I did not feel good about.

The print ad for books is low numbers but did improve as well and is at 42 cents per click.  That should be better but I am okay with it and my ad is funny so I guess I am just glad for people to see it.

I just boosted another video ad and I think it is cool.  I think it doesn't matter in some ways but you never know that maybe it does matter.

I told my mental health program I was skipping today to go to the grocery store. But I have decided to go to the larger Key Food instead of Stop and Shop, and try to go to Stop and Shop on Sunday. So I need to make an access a ride appointment and get cash to pay the fare.

I feel disturbed because a cop intimidated a friend of mine and I think it is a message to all of us to not feel safe on the transportation. That is really bad. And combined with yesterday's unlocked door when I got home, brings back feelings of persecution.

When really my medicine is much better and I should feel happy.

Well, that is all for now.  Maybe I should go to mental health program and then take the train from westchester square to the other station and go to the store. Well, have a nice day everyone.

 Hello everyone. I reached a cool mil with my recent art page posts.  But my book ads are not doing well enough. The joke book ad did not get enough link clicks so I canceled it. I just told facebook that those ads didn't do well enough.  They know what they are doing.  They are taking everyone's content and monetizing it for themselves.  Life will be better in heaven. I do not know why people wasted my books here. Possibly my books will be resurrected as is for libraries there. A lot of people were great writers in this time and we had the onion and other funny things.  So I do still have some positive feelings for some people. 

I guess the issue is that link click ads don't work.  But that is not right. That is the most obvious ad goal and they have found a way to make it not work.  Probably for some people it does work. 

I had an interesting dream last night where I went to visit a young person in jail and gave them an enchilada with sour cream. And then I dreamt I was in a library and it was the same as a movie and I talked on the phone to my friend Claire who was nice to me like that. So I am aware of the power of things like Young life and part of me is like gee why am I not doing that.  But there is a reason.  Because I already have plenty of people to be nice to. 

It is 11:02. I will now drink some coffee and at about 12 pm I will go to mental health program. I woke up plenty early and for some reason the janitors harrassed me again with music saying the n word as many times as possible. They like to call me that for some reason and I do not know why they recently started targeting me again. 

Well, have a nice day everyone.

 Hi everyone, this is Refried. It is Monday, August 18. I had a nice day today and just posted two new ads for my books. Both ads are kind of homemade looking, and I am not sure I did good enough graphic design on one of them. So I might keep working on it on my computer.  I probably will boost both posts. Maybe soon. I mean maybe tonight but maybe wait in case there is an issue and people want to let me know.

So I will check the graphic design and try out some other options and maybe replace the issue if there is a better format.  I feel kind of medicated sometimes and I think that is because I am taking my medicine too late at night.  So I will try to do better.

I think I need to phone a friend. Maybe I was supposed to phone a friend about that ad.  But my idea for the post is to do the ad and be asking people what they think about it.

So anyway I will work on some new designs and see how it turns out.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is 5 pm on Sunday, Aug 17. I talked to my mom and had a good conversation. She was kind of constrictive about money but I am okay for now. This was a good month and the timing is good for next month's payments.  I have a plan for my facebook page and think I can combine it with an art class funding.

I cooked some sausage and it is good and I have eggs to cook later. I also ate corn chex.  So this was a good food day. I saved a lot on food this month and mostly ate groceries. The mexican meal was questionable but I am glad God saw me be forgiving for bad service. And I did not waste the food. 

God has seen some bad thoughts from me so I will try to do better. But wow some other people might consider doing better too, so they are not listed as forgiven trash on my record with no other credits to their name. Wow did I need to say that? Yes I did. Some people really need to clean it up.

The mental health people will probably try to zap me for that and catch me in a lie or something but that will just put them on the same list. Things just work a certain way. Ok I will stop there. 

I am drinking a second coffee and that is kind of early but I really wanted another coffee. 

I read Apple Novel earlier and it is great. I love it and am happy with it. The mice series is good. Possibly the true trilogy part of the series does stand out.  But I think all the books are great.

I will run two ads this week, probably.  The mice books and Joke book. I thought of a slogan for Joke book: "a great gift for scoffers." I think that is pretty funny. I mean it is not funny, it is real.

So okay. That is all for now. I think I will blog some more soon.  I think the reduced medicine has improved things but I still have side effects. But I think this solution of having half as many of two sets of side effects is going to work out. Way to go Dr. Eder and NP Kotin.  And others I guess, too.  Sarah and Dr. Cabassa, hospital people, but don't get too proud because I think one mg of risperdal was better.

This morning I had an interesting dream that included three church affiliations. They correlate with my writing some, too, so that is interesting.  Well, have a good day everyone.

Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Saturday. I had a nice day and went to a cool zoom group. I also unexpectedly boosted some facebook posts. I did one for more than usual and then facebook cut my numbers in half. So I will stop it at 500,000 views in two days. I probably won't keep it going unless I just think the picture is so cute so why not. I think they cut my numbers to let me know that they are part of the conspiracy. I guess just be thankful for what I have. But I will run out of cash eventually. So it kind of hurts me.  As for the other recent thing mentioned just now, I think some people see it for what it is.

 

 Hello everyone, I just had such an interesting dream this morning. First I was doing a project about one of my teachers and I interviewed that person about their work, which was different than their work in real life. I think it was Jody and she had done modern art sculptures. Then I was in a cafeteria and there was a certain system for getting food and we had to do things in a certain order. Then I was on a bus ride but it was more like a truck and we went up north and there was an office building with huge photos of ute insects. And I was like, why cute insects? Why not cute cute animals? And we went in the office building and I was now by myself and some levels were like kinkos but there were businesses too and I ws near the elevators and I was thinking about how if I had kept trying to get an advertising job even when I was 24, I would now have worked in advertising 13 years. But actually I thought I was 37 so it would really be 23 years. So that is a good life lesson for young people to keep trying. But I know I got on the right path but it took me a while this morning to get back to reality. And part of the dream had a computer station with people from many places, like a work station, and I thought about trying to hire an intern for my own creative purposes.  So that is interesting.

Today I have a meeting and I hope it goes well. It is a kidlit meeting.  I hope they do not mind that I self published. At 11, there is a nami meeting. I don't know if I will go, because one time a leader played bad music just to bother us all.  And yesterday's meeting was so great, maybe I just won't attend this meeting and just wait for my children's book meeting.  Or maybe see if Dan has a spirituality meeting.

I bought cereal yesterday and that is good. Tomorrow I might go to stop and shop early in the morning.  Last time that meant skipping meds. I do not know if I will do that this time.

Maybe I will see if I can read some of my books. I tried to read pizza novel yesterday and was able to read almost all of it. I think some people will like those books a lot.

Well, have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. Soon is therapy at 1 oclock. I just had a dream about barnes and noble and it was a good dream. That is interesting. Possibly i am having some positive effects from reduced medicine. We will see if this latuda risperdal combo works out. Possibly it will be okay.

Today is inspection at 8 oclock. I can't remember if I actually have inspection because Karla is on vacation.  I need to do my laundry. I think someone else is doing inspection today so i will need to do well. Dishes, counter, trash, floor, bathroom, table. I can do it. Honestly it won't be easy. i will start at 3 and try to do as much as I can. And then after inspection maybe do laundry. It will not be easy.

The bridge will probably try to make me feel bad if they have a sub, but I think this really is Karla's vacation and it will be okay.

Well, have a good day, everyone.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Wednesday, Aug 13. I do not like the number 13. But that was a good year for me, seventh grade.  So I will stay positive about it.

Today was a good day at mental health program. I worked on a WRAP plan and it made sense.  There were a few issues with triggers and problems.  One of them was harrassment canceling the benefits of walking.  And the other issue is the missing book sales.  It is interestingly as much an offense as more active abuse.  So I definitely think the angels in the sky are chanting shame to NYU during the ongoing nonfamation case.

But really we don't know. It could be Barnes and Noble and the publishing industry.  I don't think I should suppress my thoughts about it. It will only get worse for the people who don't admit their sin against me.

So okay.  What else is going on. I am okay about that for now. I am going to take those horizon cow books to program soon. There are only about ten copies to give.  And maybe I can give other books but I do not know if I will or not.  They are saying maybe give some joke books and art books.

It is kind of cool how nonsupremacist my best work is. I was trying for that but wow, it is unimpressive. 

Pretty funny. I am sorry if I was mean to my persecutors.

I think my friends in India have helped with spiritual warfare. That is really cool I think. I feel the HS when I share those posts, and then when I am back to normal I feel the empty attack.  But I am okay. It is good to realize that God almighty is behind normal life in an authorial way. I have to admit that, it is a good thing and has benefits that we can't predict or name for probably a million years.

Ok food allergies.  There is no news except that raisins are added to the banana and broccoli list.

 Hello everyone, it is 5:30 on Tuesday. I just watched a Bernie Sanders video about Gaza. It is so sad but I think the children were used as human shields for a muslim invasion of israel. I feel like there were better solutions and more precise options to rid the area of terrorists. However I think the strike on Iran was good.  I think people called it a genocide before it happened, which exposes the intent of those packing the location. I do not know what should be done now but it is sad and the liberals are self righteous. 

I posted my comedy video and it is good and got good support.  If people don't like any of my jokes then that is okay for them.  It is just a comedy class.

It seems that I am retreating back into conservatism to some extent.  Well I will just be myself. I offered what I could to the liberals and they were mean to me and wasted my life.

Probably soon more Americans will need to leave the country and colonize Africa.

When are my books going to sell? I do not know. That one lady said "who cares," that one time about my jokes page. Because my jokes weren't political. Well you are satisfied to have half a country when there is a whole world out there.

Anyway I guess not everything is about me. I could have walked to Starbucks this afternoon but it is very hot outside. So I stayed inside and rested. Tomorrow I plan to go to my mental health program.  Tonight I am going to two online events that I am very thankful for.

I hope the hurricane doesn't hit New York City. Frankly it could but it looks like it might go to Canada or Europe. I guess I will try to find out more tomorrow and then maybe buy a train ticket to an inland vacation if possible.

 Ok they did one good picture and the rest bad but I don’t think it was because of me. However I accidentally left the mike stand there. But I did it right every day in class so I think they did that on purpose. But I don’t know because Ben told me to take the piece of paper out after I got on stage. But I think he says stuff like that to disrupt your normal thinking like to give advice that makes you not feel alone or something. I mean I don’t know but that is what he did with the don’t walk jokes after they were so successful. I think he was trying to teach me something new this time about comedy classes and vibes or something. Was he mad that I used a piece of paper. It just really helped me and it is not easy to do this on latuda.

I kind of hope my video is good but it kind of doesn’t matter because the laughs were gone sometimes. So it already is only okay. But it was a cool routine and what if I don’t have a video, it is okay.

But I think in the email he was telling me that this is how it feels if someone gets a C. But I know he knows my routine was good. But maybe it wasn’t that good. Maybe I barely got through it. 

Anyway, that was an interesting experience. Maybe I can do another class sometime and try some new material.

I mean don’t you guys think overall I did ok?

 

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Sunday, August 10 at 10. Really it is 10:30 but yesterday I did a post on the 9th at 9.  So I was trying to create a pattern.

Today was my comedy show. It went well and I am thankful. Honestly I could lose control of my innards so just getting through it is great.  I think actually I had a boredom feeling that I was contending with, more than stage fright.  So that is interesting. Maybe I should be doing open mics with old material.

The show was fun and what surprised me is how good everyone's routines were.  And they were well memorized.  So that is cool.  On one show another time, a lot of people forgot their material, but everyone was really funny and loved.  This time was different and in a different venue.  The audience laughed some for everyone but would stop laughing sometimes. It was odd and it happened to several of us.  But I felt fine.  It is just that some of my easy jokes that were obvious didn't get some laughs that I think they deserved.  But I felt like some of my riskier jokes got a lot of laughs, so that was nice of the people.  I mean they really tracked with the schizophrenia stuff, so that is great.

Interestingly, I did not successfully invite guests to the show.  But I talked to about ten people as I prepared for the show and went there myself.  And it was some great socializing. I mean it is weird, what does it mean? Some phone calls, texts, contacts who I haven't talked to in a while.  So that is nice.

Then tonight I went to a mensa bible study and it is great. There is a lot to discuss and I am going to really see something about God's works. We are studying Joshua. And it is about salvation, interestingly.

I drank too much coffee today, and that is too bad. But it is okay. I did leave about six hours between each huge amount of caffeine.  I feel the anxiety from it but don't have bad tachyardia.

Tomorrow I go to my mental health program and I will be glad to be back. I also need to do another good grocery store visit, probably to Stop and Shop.

I ate a steak today at Kabooz's.  It was mostly yummy. And there were cheese grits and eggs. I liked the waitress and the staff conspired to make it not seem like a conspiracy.  A hello from TK.

So let's review, who did I talk to during these comedy days: Haley, Robert, Claire, Katie, Ann K, MC, MC2, Kelly Mc, hmm, that is an interesting pattern. Who else, the facebook people, the movie people, Marissa, Sharon, Lauren, pending is Cynthia, last week was Brian and Jay, and Valita and Jeremy. I think I am forgetting some people, but this is great support and a feeling of successful friendship.  Because it is lonely going to comedy class with a feeling of mental illness. And then on my facebook posts, a good showing from Janice, Connie, and others. Thanks, Connie. 

Well everyone, have a nice day.

 Ok, soon I go downtown. I will rehearse one more time, pick up the books, and leave at 9:30. The show is still about four hours away. Another person I did not contact is Katie Wagner. I should send her a message before I post anything on facebook.

So let's count the positives. I got up in time and am clean and dressed. I memorized my routine and feel mostly okay about the jokes. I didn't get that many laughs in class but it is okay. 

I invited a friend and might go to Red Lobster if I need a reward.

I attended enough classes and had material each time. I have showed up four other times for shows.

Also intending to go is something. Another positive is that I feel God's help. So that is good. 

I mean I thought of not going. And it worked out that I am going to go.

Let's visit Cheryl's page for art coaching in case I do a half certificate or something like that.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is 8:40. I am almost ready to go to the comedy show. I need to rehearse one more time. I think I am skipping two jokes. My routine is exactly 5 minutes and I might need to talk faster so i don't run out of time.

My facebook posts are doing well. That makes me happy. Hopefully I won't forget to bring poetry books to my class.  They might be nervous today. I am kind of nervous but it is a different feeling than that.  It is a feeling like going to work and doing something hard that you have to do. I think it will be good to have done five shows. It will make it a true hobby instead of a random experience.

It is possible that I will leave here at 9:30 in case the subway is not going all the way to Manhattan.  But if it isn't, I really could skip the show. I just don't really do shuttle busses when there is supposed to be train service.

Gice I hope the show goes well. I need to send MC a message because she went last time and I didn't send her a message this time because of content warning. I mean I just felt like some stuff was a bit much but I might have been wrong.

So anyway I had a dream this morning that I wrote a book called CD cover and it was about the BN managers. But i have no intention of writing anything like that. I have nothing to say that I haven't already said.

Well have a nice day everyone.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. I rehearsed my comedy show and took my medicine. I kind of feel like staying up all night but I might not be able to because of medicine. I did some praying and I really needed to because I have a lot of free time and there are a lot of people who could use some blessings.  I prayed for NYC and India and Africa, and for people to get a lot of stuff.

So okay, what else. As I was saying, I might stay up late or something, I mean why not. I think if I give some of those people books, I might drop them off instead of mailing them.  What do you gice think about that.  I think that is what I will do. I might forget some people but I think it will be okay.  

I think I am in an okay safe mental space about my mom and sister etc. I think it will be okay.  I think people already saw some stuff and helped me move to NY.  And it seems like New York rejected me but they didn't. And my whole family received a lot of care that a lot of other people would have loved to have.  But we did get targeted by Satan relentlessly so we really needed the help.  And I am proud of us, everyone, it took a lot of work and God saw it all. He knew when we were little at Disney World that we would eventually be tortured together and have problems. But anyway, what I am saying is maybe my prayers for all those families in India will get answered, and people will get an oven and safety and health.

You have to see it that way. Like why is there a groundhog with an oven.  Because God is going to give all those people ovens. It does work like that. It was the point of my autism is because God wanted to give several hundred million people 45 million prize package 63s.  And he did. He obviously did, look at everyone's followings. Who else asked for popularity for strangers? I literally asked God to give people fame.  And people did get it. And who chipped in their behavior. Well it was a lot of liberals because they are not as racist and know how to give people stuff with dignity instead of appropriation. 

So anyway probably I should keep this to myself but I felt like blogging.  You know what I was wondering is whether I should have tried to maintain quality instead of devolving into yammering all the time.  I do not know.  But I think I already did the books that are good books and the rest is just me jibber jabbering. 

I think I will read revelation again soon. Maybe when I am at bible study on Sunday. Wow that is tomorrow. I was supposed to watch that video.  But it felt like an evangelical brand that was hard to tolerate. Well maybe I will try again.

 Hello everyone, it is 9 pm on Aug 9. I just made an ice cream with strawberry jam and chocolate chips. The chocolate chips expired in february but I could tell they were fine. It was a great find in the cupboard.  The ice cream did not have a seal on it. The brand is called "Friendly's." I question that. I mean you can tell it was not tampered with but isn't there a law about that? And if I write about it, the risk could increase. Some people will want to tamper themselves and sue me.

I googled torture and it was a better search than it used to be but still not that resonant in some ways. I think possibly that topic does depress me. I think one concept that reaches back into the early bookstore days, well actually the mid bookstore days, is the support that it took for me to survive.  So the bookstore people want to say it wasn't that bad, but it was that bad, or I would not have needed a conspiracy with several thousand people, and then several hundred thousand. But I think Barnes and Noble was also part of the conspiracy and had to hide that because of my dad and their fear of lawsuits. I mean I do not know.

But I think I can get in good moods and feel peaceful and I need to not get in a bad state of mind now just because it is night time and I already felt better today. I think part of it is feeling lonely and rejected from the way I lost overt support from some people in the past few years. But the support is still there, it is just secret.  

So let's try to stay positive. I think people want books.

Ok I will do what I think is best. I don't know if I should visit people's pages but I might need to for their address and they do deserve a book.

At 11 pm I will rehearse my comedy show one more time and take my medicine.

Well everyone, have a good day.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. My blog is reaching a lot of people. Today I posted a video on facebook of a mouse illustration from my Imaginary Mice Series.  The video was neat but the mouse had too many legs. But I think it was still cool.  However it only got a few likes. I do not know why but it was very unsatisfying. I am looking on the bright side because facebook was very nice to me with my other page.  However it is such a loss to not have the same facebook friend interaction as I once had.

I might mail out some more books soon. I kind of want to mail some to the more recent hospital people.  But it is socially not that easy. And I feel like I have lost affiliations and I don't know why.  But some things are getting better and there are signs of some phases of suffering being over. But I don't know if that is true.  Often I disagree with what has happened and think that people were given authority when they had other agendas that were opposed to me and just sought the opportunity to do more damage.

Anyway I think one reason I am doing better in some ways is because I am a hermit and people in my neighborhood are abusive, including cops and hospital people. So that is weird, because when I got here, I was excited about living near the hospitals. But there is a racism problem here, and poverty that reflects the character deficits.

I just cooked another slice of ham and this time I mixed the sauce in the saucepan after heating it, I added the sauce.  And it made a glaze.  So that is cool, I think it will be good, but I am waiting for it to cool off.

Tomorrow is my comedy routine. I just practiced and think it will be fine. I hope some people laugh at my jokes. It is not as light as some of my other routines, but I think it will be okay. And I have some jokes for another class sometime. So I will continue it as a hobby. Should I do open mics, I don't know. I mean I could make a lot of friends but I have a lot of friends as it is, just from the classes.

So I think I should start googling stuff for a while. Gice was it that stuff I said in that class that lost me certain support? I felt I was doing the right thing. I do not even know what the alternative was. I mean was it to be patient and say nothing? Like to not participate fully? I thought I did what I was supposed to.

I mean frankly I think there is a way that you are supposed to not be doing things for yourself and I think that was it.  I think that was when I say what my purpose was and I was trying to give them a clue about how it is done like sometimes you only can see the obedience and you do it anyway.  But I do not know because things did pay off and I was blessed. But possibly God took away blessings precisely because of that ingratitude.  But I wasn't ungrateful.  I have always been thankful and eager to tell other people how to get the good stuff, and it is different than some people say at church. 

But anyway I was jut thinking about that because I was thinking of things that were missing. I mean it does make sense to reflect and try to figure out what happened. So anyway I do not know.

Hopefully I will see Ravneet soon. Hopefully the hospital people are not mad at me. Hopefully the churches are just pretending to ignore me and really count me as a member. I mean sorry but I don't understand.  The idea is that I am so controversial that all the churches are pretending I am not a member.

And what is the controversy.  It is the joke that right now I don't know whether to send around.  But really that is because of the illustration that might not make sense.

Well, have a great day, everyone.

 Hello everyone, I just tried to cook a ham steak but I am going to chop it up and cook it again in another pan. Because basically the sides burnt a little bit and it can set off the fire alarm.  So I will use some butter and recook it just to make sure it is thorough enough. I think it did cook almost enough. I think it will be a good meal but I probably still need to go to the grocery store. However I think the store will be crowded so I wonder if I can do grits and oatmeal again to get through the day.  I was thinking about going to red lobster tomorrow after comedy.

I felt good earlier and had a lot of peace. I mean this is a nice weekend, with a comedy show and successful art memes.  So this is really the peak of my career.

I think I will read articles online for a while. And maybe crack the code on mailing books to people. Should I mail some to hospital people or do an offer on my facebook page? I do not know.

Am I going to do a php program soon? I do not know.

I think I was going to phone a friend and didn't because the ham took the attention.  Is that where the term being a ham comes from? That is funny because it is a real thing. Well have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. Today is Saturday. I had a dream that was so interesting and had a lot of people in it.  And there were some jewish people in two parts of the dream and my girlfriend and two friends from college and I had a t shirt from an old organization I used o be in and was explaining to people where I belonged and didn't belong but I am not sure I was right about it because I had a lot of belonging in the dream. So that is interesting. Then I woke up at 1:30 pm. I mean that is ten hours of sleep.  So that is kind of weird. I hope my comedy show tomorrow goes okay.  Possibly it will become like a routine thing that I am not scared about. like just do the comedy and see how it goes. Will I bring the horizon cow books I think I will.

This morning I might cook sausage and ham and make a sauce of honey, mustard, and worchcestershire sauce. It is weird that the brand name worchestershire caught on, like it could make failed advertisers feel even worse when their names don't succeed. 

Anyway something great is that my facebook posts did well. I think facebook accelerated the spend for yesterday so 20 dollars got spent before the normal pacing.  So I am at 200 and 150 and 90 thousand much sooner than normal.  So I will probably hit about 1.4 mil for this round and that is awesome for these memes that are nice for sure.  I am getting mostly good reactions but some people started trolling a little bit but I think it is okay. I think it is not necessarily meant in a bad way and if it is it is minor.

So that is great.  I do not know if it ended up mattering which page it was on but I think they rewarded me for not going after the numbers. This is one of my main boosts and it will need to be the main boost for the month.

Well, have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. I just listened to the movie Julie and Julia with some pals from hope lab.

I had seen it before and I like the subject matter but it is dirty in a certain way that makes me feel like it is the dirtiest movie I have ever seen. I think they did it on purpose as a joke about french people. I have to wonder if some movies that are kind of explicit actually preserved something sometimes, and it is different than what this movie did.  It was like a TMI portrayal of people, but something else, like violating.  I just think they violated people.

But the movie is kind of inspiring for people who want to be writers.  And the project of going through the whole cookbook is cool. I think foodies and autistic people and new york people are into that. 

Well, that is all I will say. It was a fun good choice for our group and I got some prayers in for MC who is having heart surgery soon.

I think I might respect Nora Ephron who might have done it that way as a joke. But I don't know.

My ads on facebook are doing okay but I think it won't be a cool mil.  I think that is because the posts are on a different blog than usual.  So the numbers are in the 300s instead of 500s.

Well these were the posts I wanted to boost so that is what I did.

I mean was I wrong, I don't think so.  Some friends watched my comedy routine.  Hopefully the show will go well and I will have a good video for facebook.  I still think that my time passed without me.

Have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone. This is Refried. I went to my comedy class last night and it was fun. I am ready for the show on Sunday. I need to invite a few more people.

Right now I am uploading a video to my blog.  It is actually an okay video.  I can see that I need to look up more but in this video I was mostly reading from a paper. I had to edit the video and cut a few things to make it under 100 mega bytes so I could post it.

I don't know if I want to share it on facebook or not. 

Maybe I will send the link to a few friends and see what they think.  

I need to get going and leave so I can be at mental health program but it is taking about ten more minutes for this video to upload because my internet is slow.

I am okay with my appearance in the video. I think losing that ten or fifteen pounds would help, but it is okay with me for now. Like to me it is a usable video.

Well, have a good day everyone.

 Gice I think I am secretly the director here at housing. We have not had a director for a while and I think it is me. It took me a while to realize it but they basically put me in charge of my case manager and I have been training new people to some extent.  So that is interesting. I mean it is total mayhem sometimes and maybe that is the joke.  Pretty funny. Well have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. Today is Tuesday and I have comedy class tonight. I am supposed to memorize my routine. I think I do mostly have it memorized. But I will practice it a few times this afternoon.  I thought about not memorizing it. I am going to see if someone will do a good video today so I won't have to rely on the show for a video.

It messed with me to miss the last class and today is another air quality problem but I am going to try to go to class anyway. I hope it goes okay.

I was going to go to mental health program. Maybe I still could but I think I will focus on comedy. I think the mental health program thinks I should do that too.

And then I will go on Wednesday and Thursday.

So okay, that is what I will do. I am drinking good coffee right now. I don't have that much good food here but I think I could cook sausage and grits. And then tomorrow try to do better for groceries.

The air quality is an issue but I feel okay about going to comedy. I mean maybe wear a mask or something.  

I think my routine is an okay comedy routine. I don't know how people feel about what if I just read it on zoom.  To me that is a legitimate option because of the way the volume is never right on the videos.

I have some readers for this blog. Hello readers, how are you all doing. It is really nice to not have zeros every time on my stats, so thanks.

Well, have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. Today is Monday, Aug 4. I sent a query to an agent last night but mispelled the person's name. I feel kind of bad about it but hopefully it is okay. I just think it could be more of an issue than normal because I found their site looking for another agent and said so. And I don't want that agent to think she was a second choice, which she wasn't at all.  But anyway it could be an issue but I think it was a good query. But there were a couple more issues with it which was the word count and writing sample. But I had reasons for everything and maybe she will see the potential of the books.

I mean am I trying to sell the books really or do I want the freedom of self publishing. Well to my knowledge they aren't selling well enough as self published. But I feel like there should be more success for everyone a indie authors.  It is a good direction for our creative culture.

So anyway I also sent a book to a movie person and felt good about it. It is just a cool movie idea and if they want it, this is a good person to send to. And if it becomes popular later, this person has permission.

So that is something I got done.  The conference I went to was amazing and I feel like I just got back from camp.  I made friends, I have memories, and I participated in a good way. This could be "it," but it might not ever be as compared to doing the actual writing.

I can see a quality difference in my work and some of the better stuff but I feel ok about it. I feel like I did what I did for reasons and the result is very representative.

Soon I am going to my mental health program but I need to drink some coffee.

Well have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, I finished the conference for SCBWI. It was great. Now I need to get back to life in the bronx and maybe go buy some milk from 7-11. 

I learned a lot at the conference and felt included.

I saw a lot of great presentations. 

I think in the last presentation, Bryan was saying that God was harold from harold and the purple crayon.

I was a little slow on that one. The idea is that God made the universe.

The guy's books were awesome. 

So that is neat.

He worked hard and became a children's book writer.

The lesson is to keep trying.

Well that is good.

I am going to send Ravneet some messages now. I am not going to the next networking event.

I think I socialized enough.

 Hello everyone. This is Refried. Today is Friday, Aug 1. I attended a children's book conference today and it was excellent. It is weird how I really didn't know that I was a children's book writer. I really thought I was supposed to be literary.  And I am a christian humor writer for teens. It is for teens. I know it is.  And I have stuff for younger kids, too. I hope they like it all.  You have to be brave to write for kids.

But I was brave in my life sometimes.  Some people have that trauma to face fears all day every day for many years. I have had relief from some of it.

Anyway, this conference is great. Tomorrow has more presentations and networking. I did not opt for a social media critique. Maybe another time I will try that. Ok I just visited the page for that. If it was two in one I would consider it, but the web review and social media is separate.  I will think about whether to build a new following. I think maybe no because my posts don't reach followers.

I have a query ready to send. I hope I do okay with it. I think it does list my trust potential as a writer but I might have sounded grandiose a couple of times. So I will think about that. Maybe I will send it Sunday or Monday. I mean I do not know.

Every query I have ever sent has felt so legit. But maybe I am not that great.

Right now I am listening to a theology podcast.  Tripp Fuller has been churning out a lot of youtube videos and frankly I enjoy listening to it a little bit at a time or in the background. 

Well everyone, thanks for the good times recently.  The cabin videos, the royal match games, the texting with ravneet, the less persecution by mental health places except for a few bothersome things, the reduced medicine as requested, the therapy, the nami groups, the cheese grits, the coke and sprite in my refrigerator.

This reminds me to say that I made a mistake today and was clicking an emoji after every book that a lady shared, and then there was one about hijabs and I forgot to click a heart.  And everyone knows it.  It was an accident but I feel kind of bad because I did not expect to mess up.  But it was because I got distracted.

But possibly it worked out because what if it would have been too much a nod to Islam.  I think really it would be fine but I just wonder if it was God's all powerful decision that I would not click like that time.

I mean I do not know but this conference made me cry sometimes. But I had some tech issues. I think I should pray for kids now and tomorrow since they are my mind. I mean all the kids in school, looking for a place to sit in the cafeteria, I mean it is just a crushing thing, can't they have a lunch, I mean what is going on and why am I not there. I guess a need for prayer. Maybe people will get a reward and the kids will grow up to be awesome people.

Ok that is all everyone have a good day.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. I just talked to the bridge person and told them I felt it was disrespectful to not be told that my case manager was skipping inspection.  This was after last week when I was told I could not miss inspection. They think it is power but it isn't power. It is weakness.  And people who do that will always be the bottom of society, a shameful embarrassment to God and all humanity.

I am keeping the other stuff to myself.

I am attending a writers conference right now. I also boosted three facebook posts.

I am being reminded to query again. I have a book about children's publishing. I guess that is the next stop. I thought of a way to market myself: teen recovery.  That is good isn't it.  People might steal it before I can succeed but I know there are readers out there who will like my writing and find it to be a useful example on their own journey of many things.

I think my days are numbered and I don't know why. Will it go fast? Four years seems like a long time today. But I think this section of my career is short and it is children's book writer.

So I need to find an agent.  That is what these people are saying. The conference has made me cry three times. I do not know if this panel was supposed to but I got upset about the inspection scam.

It is just so sweet. The last author's process and stories. It was so cool, like as a kid I would have loved to read that stuff, maybe. I mean some of it was out of bounds but I still think he did great.

Well, that is all.  Now I will go back to the conference. I am sending some facebook posts around on a small budget. I might apply for a new credit card today but I don't know.