Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is 4:30 on Friday. I am doing okay after a crazy week. I posted some posts on facebook and mostly got a lot of support. 

I think I traumatized a few friends who were also shaken up the last time I spoke out about my main rejection and career loss.  I think because they have treated me well, they don’t see what’s missing. They might not really see any of the five career losses. All of those devastations were mean and unfair, and there is a range of the cost for all of them. Both in terms of what was invested and what was prevented. 

And then the issue of who took or ruined the opportunities and how. I do not know to what extent I should try to explain. One career truly was worth millions and no one believes that but I do know that and a few other people know it as well. And then the cashiering career, to be a Starbucks worker or something like that, seems like the least loss, but in a way it was the worst. Because people had to take away my health to prevent that, and I am going to die from it without anyone even getting fired, much less the criminal charges they deserve. And the fact that a job like that was already my main means of basic survival and societal participation.

But I do have it good in a housing program and yet even here just a year ago I was being tortured for two years by racist trash. It just seems like I am ok though, and no harm no foul. 

But I can see the finish line. I could drink too much coffee now and be gone in an hour. If I get too many bad emails in a day I will have to have emergency gallbladder surgery.

People have careers and houses and fame with just one out of a thousand of the ideas and projects I have done. Yet I can barely walk down the street past all the dropout drug dealers who mock me and block me.

Spiritually I have to accept total loss each time I think I have recovered from another insult of being left out of national discussions and symbolic paychecks. I have to repeatedly conclude that I can just start over again in heaven. Well I am glad to know about heaven and maybe that is one of God’s lessons and purposes for me. But other people seem to have a lesson of harvesting their work and being allowed to not be perfect.

What people have done for me in a recovery path is very precious and priceless but there is something I will not be able to pretend is okay. And I can already see that when it happens to me, it is God’s will, but when it happens to everyone else, there will be a war.