Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is 6:38 am on Saturday, Feb 21. I am a little shaken up because of a crazy day yesterday and a trip to the ER for my gallbladder. My gallbladder hurt all day and I felt that I needed to see a doctor about it. But I saw my neurologist yesterday morning for my routine appointment.

The gallbladder cramped up because I got a Kirkus review and freaked out a little bit, but I am mostly happy with the review. It was an interesting experience.  And then I thought the gallbladder was calming down in the afternoon but I got an email about my social work license and I am way behind on CE credits. And I stupidly thought that I didn't have to do those because I was disabled.  And weirdly, absurdly, I wanted to take those classes and thought it was inappropriate for me to be there because I am not working.  And I kind of couldn't handle it and it further excaserbated my gallbladder problems.  

So then I went downtown and ate a great dinner with my friend Sharon.  And I was almost like a normal friend.  And the meal was not that expensive.  So that was great, and I had good food and it was not food that aggravated my gallbladder.  But I could feel that my gallbladder was still an issue. 

So on the way home I stopped at the Weill Cornell ER. I think I did the right thing.  I think I might have been able to go home but then I might have had to call an ambulance to take me to Jacobi.  I might have been fine there.  Possibly next time I will do that but I like the Weill Cornell people. I mean this might have been goodbye.  But I do not know.

Something interesting is that I got cold and they put a warm blanket on me and it made me feel better.  But I was shaken up by being there, and I could tell that people there are suffering and feel some stress.

So I did not want to add to it but I am glad I could see it. It was such a different impression than when I went there last year and it was almost empty and very peaceful and it almost seemed as if people were bored.  

This time I mostly hung out with the fellas.  Ermil the ultrasound guy, and Ivan the NP, Dr. David, Dr. Curato, who I did not recognize, and some other nice people.  There were nice nurses whose names I did not get except for Jessica and I just do not know. So I will send a note hopefully saying they did good for me. I told them I was a frequent ER junkie but at the same time, I do only go when I need to and to me, gallbladder pain is not ankle pain.  It is an organ of the body and if it bursts, you could die.  And I am not that scared of dying but don't want that in between feeling for any amount of time.

So anyway, when I was there, my heart rate was very high.  And it was because of the stress that was aggravating my gallbladder.  I think they knew that because I told them.  I told them the two stressors.

But anyway they have stressors right now too.

This morning I need to pick up some medicine from Walgreens and then go to a NAMI social downtown.  It will not be that easy to take another train ride downtown but I can do it.

The other thing is to accept a scholarship to a conference.  I tried to run it through and was not able to correctly so I need to talk to Becky again.  Becky really made me feel better about the Kirkus stuff.  I mean I felt okay but Becky's reaction was just what I needed.  I emailed her about it because I thought she might like to know about that resource, and the question of whether people should do it, and how it would benefit Christian writers.

So that is interesting.  Maybe I will do a separate post about my review.  I am happy with the review but they used the word frantic in one line, and I think they could have framed it more positively.  I think my depiction of an anxiety disorder was really creative and accurate, and why couldn't that be recognized instead of having the book called frantic, as if the book was written in despearation. Because it wasn't. I was mostly a plotter and not a panster, and there were things in that book that reflect years of thought and spiritual work.  But I think also they were acknowledging something about the prayer life in the book, that it was fear based, and a trauma reaction to an ongoing twelve year crisis of underemployment. 

And yet I was disabled, and was in the right place for God's plan.

So that it the other thing is to perceive God's plan happening. I mean I don't know.  Possibly this is all humbling not just for me as a writer, but spiritually, as I am just a regular person who is freaking out in some ways and just going through the day seeking comfort and food and meaning. And to not feel like an ace chaplain at the ER.  But I kind of was an ace near the Cathedral Wednesday.

So that is interesting.  I think part of the role last night is just to be able to remember all those people in the future for prayers and cares. And it was a vivid, impressionable experience.

Well, that is all. I mean frankly I believe there was a risk of emergency surgery but I felt more likely that what was needed was an assessment of how long I have with this gallbladder condition as it is.

I mean I do not know, and I think they freaked me out more at first to see if my gallbladder could take it.

That is what I told the nurse whose name I did not get.  I think she was a really good person.

Well, have a good day everyone. It is about 7 am. In one hour I will probably try to go get medicine. I kind of wish I had gotten that backpack at Jacobi but I was not able to.