Dear Journal,

It’s me, refried bean. Today is Thursday, may 15. I just ate dinner. It was good food from my mom. I feel angst and social fear.  It could be Latuda but it could be from life here in Greenville and trying to please my mom.  I am seeing a good number of friends on this trip and so far have talked to nine people.

I saw one friend at the grocery store but I did not do well with the transaction and later had to hide the fact that the buy one get one free deal was not as good because I did not have a membership card, and my mom can’t accept that I bought it anyway. It was barbecue. I lived my life not lying for any reason, literally no lies at any time for any reason.  But I am finding that I might have to start lying to my mom who has emotional problems. I might just have to.  I hid the receipt in my bag because she goes through my drawers and trash after I leave to look for receipts.

My therapist said maybe I should move back to Greenville but I am not sure I can let my mom control me at the amount she wants.

But anyway I should not get into that because my mom is helping me survive and maintain some of my hobbies that I have invested in with credit cards. 

Tomorrow is when I close some accounts and feel more normal again. Wow it was an adventure and people can judge me for any of it if they need to.  Really I will understand because life is hard and I had some advantages but wow I paid a price with my mind and soul. Wow it is important not to need everyone’s approval all the time.  I think some approval is okay to try for.  People need psychological food and love.  But there are enemies mixed in our lives that demand sacrifices and people get hurt.

Anyway, that is enough for a post.