Ok that was a good post. Maybe I can recover this blog. Do you gice understand what I was saying? The idea is that when you are gay but trying to make it work the normal way, you know your love is not true in some ways and you are looking around and seeing other true love like forbidden love, or love when people marry someone with AIDS. And you feel bad because you know you are cheating the people you chase.

That is all, no one needs to accuse anyone because it can take years to figure out. And I did not discard church so easily which a lot of people found convenient to do.

Anyway the other thing still on my mind is unsubscribing from the emails.  It is sad and maybe wrong because people were so nice to include me.  But it started to be a pretend inclusion without the real acceptance when I tried to participate.  So I am blocking the fake inclusion now and saying goodbye. 

But I could be wrong because I still get secret messages and just last week some people who I thought hated me showed me that they might not hate me. So I do not know and might not realize some foolishness of burning bridges. 

But they might say I already made my choice when I said something ungrateful in a class.  But my intentions were not selfish at all and I have to go by that standard of truth. That is why God helped me there, was to reach me on that level. and I was trying to tell them what worked for me.  Because there was stuff I did that other people weren't doing or said to do otherwise.  And now a lot of what went right because of it is obscured and no one can learn from it.

Anyway that is all, I don't know if I will say the statement that I wrote in my phone today. 

My memory is not good today and the doctor knows it is from long term antipsychotics.  It is not a novel, special case of dementia.  But I have had that too from abuse. I have three lifelong friends with mental illness and we all forget what we are saying to each other on the phone because of our medicine.

There was something else I was going to say but I can't remember.