Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Monday, Sept 15. I had such a nice evening. I submitted an article somewhere and feel good about it even if it is not a match. I did the right thing and it was good material.  And I got the best sandwich from a deli. Wow it was good and I was hungry. And I felt a normal feeling of social status because of my article I wrote. I felt like I had gone to school and maintained inclusion for myself and it made me feel happy.

And I had friends be nice to me and a social worker talked to me this afternoon.  Possibly that is what is causing the high and tomorrow they will have to bring me back down.  I wish they did not do that but I am thankful for the care and good feelings sometimes.

It is 11:30.  That is kind of late. It feels like Sunday but it is Monday. Oh that is the other thing is that I talked to Mensa people online today and it was one of the best conversations I have ever had. I really like those people and am thankful to participate. I mean that is the goal and possibly there need to be more groups like that within the organization if people would participate.

Well that is all. I might be forgetting some things but I will write again.  Have a nice day everyone.

Thanks, Rita, Dan, and Ann K.

 Hello everyone, I wrote a little article for my new website: https://www.refriedbeanbooks.com/

It is good and explains this whole escalation issue.  

Now here is what is kind of sad. This escalation issue is unebelievably similar to the constructive dismissal issue.  I do have an article about that too. 

And both those cases are not going to happen.  And I was thinking just minutes ago that it is so sad that it will be a defamation case with me as the defendant instead of a criminal abuse case where people are brought to justice for torturing me.  But it is not going to be that, either.  Because my writing is not going to reach anyone until maybe after I am dead, or maybe not at all.

So there will be no trial for any of the three things. 

I think I am missing some key insight about the defamation risk.  Like maybe because I would also lose that out of injustice, we have to keep the books from reaching anyone. I don't really understand that.

What is crossing my mind now is a new interpretation of the sermon on the mount bible verses about storing up treasures in heaven.  And for most people that means stop caring about money too much and treat friends and family well, or even serve others as part of a church.  But I think for me I am supposed to go past that and also lose the intangibles and service to others.  That is why I am leaning towards expecting a resurrected career in heaven.  But I don't know. I think the heaven is in the writing and it will reach people. I still have some faith about that.  So I am not sure what we are waiting for on that.

Anyway my pastor said it was very important to be loving instead of hateful at this time.  But that is also my main grievance is that I am doing that work and the mental health people are taking it away.  

I think another interesting thing is that I do know why in my life I got hit with both a constructive dismissal and escalation problem.  It is because of my wonky gender and nerdiness.  That is why it is me and always me.  And who actually calls that what it is and why. It is NYU. I remember that from when I was a teen, the people who would say, why weren't they hired, it's because they are black.  Why did their father hate them, it is because they were gay. That is the liberals.  And what is the only way to address these problems for me. To endure it, the only solution is a secret torture program. And who does that. The places God sent me to. I mean if that happens you are not supposed to still be complaining about the abuse. You are supposed to say, well this is interesting.

Ok there is a fire drill now, gotta go. have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, it is getting late now and is soon time to take my medicine. Tomorrow I will go to church online because I have a meeting at 3 and then at 7.  So it is a busy day.

I figured out why Hannah abused me.  It is their same psychological punishment and rewards system when you haven't met program standards, which for me this week was because I did not turn in my signature sheet.  But that was because they did not have one for me so they gave me a blank one and I lost it because I did not have a pen to get it started. And that was the second week that they did not have one prepared for me.  It is interesting because when they first started that system I was burdened by it and said I could not do it and if I could keep up with a piece of paper like that then I would have a job somewhere and be a professsor.  So they said I didn't have to but then I did have to.  They abused me if I didn't.  So I did.  And I sit through their boring groups that are too long and collect the signature after they already made me sign a sheet that I have to socially be bothered to do by other clients who like to make it difficult as their racism power plays.  Which they should not have control over anyway.

So already I am doing their job for them, but interestingly, unlike a normal job, you aren't told what the problem is if something is undone, but you are provoked to have severe mental health symptoms and you have no idea why you got abused at your program.  Well I guess I called them on it pretty good by reporting them to the Justice Center.  

Anyway another interesting thing is that they are treating us like animals by doing it that way. To not tell us what the issue is but just get in my way on purpose and provoke me by getting in my space and being literally one centimeter from my face.  That is what people do when they want to start a physical fight.  And yet I am the problem.  But I would say you are the animal in that scenario and your organization has shamed you.

 Hello everyone, it is Saturday, Sept 13 at 1:30. I called in an abuse report on all three abusers at my mental health program.  It was really only going to be on that one physical blocking meant to trigger me but I ended up telling on all three people.  So that is interesting and bothersome. Hopefully it wont turn to a bad feeling. I am interestingly feeling bad feelings from other sources as I get through this bad spell with mental health people.

I called my sister today and we had a good conversation. My mom made her feel bad this week but it is good that she knows that is real.  Because when I complained about mom doing stuff to me they thought it was my problem. 

Anyway wow I have just gotten so much emotional abuse so I might stay inside today and try to get my mind off of it. I hope I can be in PHP but it might not work out and it could be another series of provocations.  Things would be different if I had book sales but I think I see why I don't. It is because I could be targeted by people who want revenge after I report them.

 Hello everyone. It is Friday, Sept 12. I did laundry again tonight so I have two thirds done. That is enough for now even though I have a spot on three shirts.

My stomach hurts right now and I think some of it is from stomach acid and some is from a food intolerance. It is getting a little bit better but when I feel upset it gets worse. I might need to take some mylanta.

Today at my program a bad person named Hannah physically blocked me when I was on my way to group.  It was kind of sudden and unexpected and it triggered me severely for the whole day. It will take me weeks to recover from it as a setback. I am able to not say bad words so I won't. But bad words do apply in this situation.  

Something weird happened with a friend not supporting my abuse reports.  So that is too bad but I will side with myself and always call abuse what it is. Too many people think it is my role to be abused and other people are excused because of their identity or status.

Another issue that is affecting me right this second is that I ran out of pantropazole and the bottle said I had a refill but Walgreens said I had to get another prescription from my doctor.  And the reason I had this pantropazole refill was because I had to use virtual care after my other doctor messed up the dosage for the second appointment in a row. Like there were literally four mistakes from him at the pharmacist one time. 

So I switched doctors but my appointment is not until the 25th. So I am sitting here with stomach acid pain and upset feelings from one out of five abusers at my mental health program.

I also have a dark tunnel ahead of me because of having to take care of my mom in december and my five years of agreed time running out in july. 

Something else I discovered today was that amazon was using my old author listing for invasive ads that put other people's books in place of my books in the list. That is only one page so I will erase the link for it and stay hopeful until I have to unpublish.

Anyway I thought things were getting better but they aren't. 

My emails all turned to spam this year because I was overmedicated and unable to participate in most of my affiliations.

I find the conservatism yucky that is happening.

Well, that is all. Tomorrow I will probably call my cousin.

 Hello everyone, it is 11:37 on Sept 12. I am doing my laundry. Some clothes are in the dryer. It would have been good to do two loads but I did one load. Maybe tomorrow or later tonight I will do another load. 

I felt traumatized yesterday at night. But I think I got a therapy feeling from somewhere. At 1 am I took my medicine and woke up today at 10. Then I drank coffee and ate an almond croissant. Now I am doing laundry and later I will go to the post office for the books I ordered.

It didn’t work out that well to do the ad. I need to send messages instead. I just think I will feel better if I am mailing books.

Well, hopefully Ravneet will visit me soon.

Have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, it is 8:31. I had to clear up some things in a support group and it went okay. Then I had inspection and that went okay. Soon I need to do laundry. I am going to wait 30 minutes and then get it done. It was a rough day but still mostly easy compared to what most people have to get done every day.

I have an almond croissant that I will eat soon. I am going to try to do two loads of laundry but there is only one working machine.  So I will have to spend a long time there, but think about it, some clothes will dry while some are washed so it is only 45 minutes extra.

I wish so much I had taken a photo of my meal. Also I forgot my napkin with three hush puppies in it.  

I sent a lot of texts today with a photo of a squirrel at 9-11. The squirrel was dressed up as a fire fighter. I mean it is kind of funny, kind of inappropriate, and kind of sweet.

A baby I prayed for is okay now after heart problems but I am going to keep praying because there is a breathing issue and that is really a concern. Wow that was a tough assignment I mean for them but it was on my mind and not that easy to handle.

So anyway some unexpected ups and downs this week, and feeling like I am not safe from people bothering me.  And I don't know if it is the conspiracy or activism, but I do not like it. Just to feel like people are ruining my sources of relief. Yucky reminders of other bad people.  

I went to see my doctor today and she gave me a report to give to the hospital for PHP. So tomorrow I will talk to Drena about that. My doctor is retiring and I am sad and now who will be my psychiatrist. 

My doctor said that her office would get a new doctor to take all her patients.  So maybe that will work out and that person will be my new doctor.

Well, have a good day everyone.