Hello everyone, this is Refried Bean. Today is Monday, March 31. There are signs of people intervening and preventing further torture, but I don't know if I can trust it.  So I am just doing what I can each day.  I self published four books this past week, and they were all AI art books.  And the visuals have some power on my eyes, like a magnetic connection that can exhaust me if I am not careful.  So I am trying to recover. I will take my medicine hopefully at about midnight. I do not know if I will go to my mental health program tomorrow but I might.  It is April Fools Day tomorrow. 

Tonight I got a surprise message from my English Teaching Teacher named Dr. Tracy. Thanks Dr. Tracy!! Man it was fun to talk to her.  I think there are still two things I should tell her, which are the links to youtube videos that I think she might like.

Also tonight I attended an online zoom meeting with my old church, Middlechurch Collegiate.  I am thinking about reattending but I do not know for sure.  There is something I want to tell the main pastor named Jacqui Lewis. I want to tell her that I think it is cool that she is not mentally ill, because she does a lot of complicated loyal relating to diverse church members. I just don't see how any one can do what she has done without going mad.  You will see what I mean if you ever attend middlechurch.  Like even within a service they do social justice stuff to juggle attention, and it is just the most obvious work that I would ever consider to be mad genius.  Like before a crazy guy in a lab I would picture the middle church ministry in a role of insane theology artists.  I am running out of labels and words for it, but it is classic. I mean possibly I should stick with Middlechurch for Judgement Day. Just the complexity of it, the excuse-making for sinners, it's just very closely aligned with my secular participation.

You think you are going to get away with it but you're not

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. I rested for a while and feel better. I am sad because I ran out of AI credits for canva and could not continue working on the hospital book I am trying to create.  All it is is cute creatures in hospital scenes.  I am not sure it is going that well. I am not satisfied so far with most of the quality of the images. I tried three different generators.  I did get a cool stuffed animal scene from bing.  But I think that brings me to four or five usable pictures and I will need about 35.

I also don't know what to do about my mental health program and housing.  I am glad I got a new doctor.  I might ask them what to do.  I am kind of trapped in my mental health program and don't like it. My worker assigned to me makes me feel bad and has indicated that he plans to use the notes to make me look bad and break up my socializing some so I look racist in front of other clients.  The idea is to harm my writer reputation. It is in retaliation for saying I might get APS to help me leave the program.

This all started in January or possibly December.  And I got a new doctor as soon as I knew something was wrong, because I knew I needed to leave the program.  But my housing place is emotionally abusing me if I don't attend, and they will say it is noncompliance.  Most of these people like power and create their own power through mistreatment because they don't have any from doing what they are supposed to.

A New Book, Okay on the names mostly

 Hello everyone, today is Sunday. It is 12:40. I slept late. I had a dream that I was in a restaurant with some people and I had a conversation question about how lard works, like do people cook with it and then use the same bar for soap.  It was pretty clever and comical and much appreciated and I kind of feel proud of it.  Then I was able to successfully complain about how my housing was treating me in a bad way and that was kind of good but I felt thee dead end of it too. I do a lot of striving in my dreams and I am not sure if my sleep is good enough.  

I am feeling some relief of the end being in sight because of heart problems. I will try to tell my sister about it soon so my family can worry less about money.

Gice I published a book yesterday and it turned out really cool. I am happy with it, and happy that it was approved so quickly.  I called it Magic Sheep and feel happy aobut htat but wonder if I should have said Electric sheep and referenced the android story. I think that could have been clever but some people mgiht not see it as a reference. They would see it as copying and my authentic title that is most defensable and what I used to generate the cover issue was magic sheep.

So that is cool.  Maybe someone who writes an opinion book about AI can say electric sheep.

Gice I kin of question my specific thanks and label for Ravneet, but I think I did okay. The issue is the schizophrenia and not knowing if she is really my person. I decided not to say girlfriend. I said person. And I didn't say spouse this time. Though that could have been a good option.

Anyway I hope I hear from her today.  Last night my mood was low because of how I am being emotionally put down again and God is not happy about it.  He's not. I don't know what people are thinking, doing that to someone with religious visions.

Hello everyone, it is about 6:15 on Saturday. I just ate some awesome cheesy rice. That is kind of a surprise because I haven't been doing that well with food prep.

I am seeing a lot of ads for the musical called Shen Yun.  The idea is that is portays some idea of what heaven is like.  I think that sounds great and it is probably a good show.  But wow I have seen too many ads for it.

Today I saw some preaching against Kamala and it was very rude. I did vote for her even though I think some of the failure is from the continual refusal to sincerely work with the other half of the country.  There is just not enough respect for other people's truly held beliefs and practices. Maybe our country will break up. I have seen some ideas about the north joining Canada.  I think it might not be a bad idea.

Anyway I did read some news recently and it found its way into my thoughts.

Weird times. Tomorrow I think I will tell my sister that I have about four years left.

 Hello everyone, I am writing another blog post, because I like blogging and could blog all day. I have something to say to young writers who think it would be cool to have a really long journal someday.  When I was in my twenties, I always thought that would be cool, too have like a thousand pages done, maybe of prayers, or just a journal. And then in 2011 I did write a thousand pages. I published it and it is called "Read This Last."

And it was pretty easy. I just started typing and felt I had to type every single thought I had.  Part of what motivated me was that I had an audience in mind.  So I would say to all writers to be social, participate in writing communities, and you start imagining readers, and this imagined audience inspires you to write.  You will write and write and write.  And reading other books will up your standards as you go.

That is all, I felt like sharing that.  Honestly, I feel like at this point my blog went from a quality blog meant for true reading enjoyment to a true journal where I just say anything on my mind.  And I am kind of sad about that.  Maybe if my other book are successful, someone can find the better posts and salvage a legitimate book selected from the whole thing.  That might not be me because I already published the whole thing.  It is the book called "Mad Blog."

Is anyone reading my books? The books are good. They are worth a read.  

I am cooking rice right now and soon I will add some cheese and honey.  I do not have mustard but it is my own fault because I did have a little jar from christmas but left it out too long.

I am watching a video from Kevin Lee Jacobs.  His videos are awesome and I recommend them highly.

Link to new AI Art Blog

  Hi everyone, it's me, Refried.  

I have been creating images using AI software.  Some of it is kind of creepy, but mostly I think it is really cool.  I put some of the images on a blog.  Here is the link:

  https://refriedbeanblog7.blogspot.com/

I believe I will keep making images and it will be a new habit like blogging.  I just feel a sparse audience but there still are friends hitting like.  About 5-10 per share.  That is small numbers.  But my ads are good numbers except where is the cash? I mean where is it, I don't get it.  

My sister called me today and said she might start a new business.  I hope it goes well.  I kind of got worried because she might need some help from my mom, and I get help from my mom, and our family has limited resources. I think Anne might want to start off national.  Probably there is a conspiracy.

I believe my whole family are torture people. I believe we are in a program that protects us, but it is not as fun as you might think.  However when I see the other programs out there, and their emphasis on refugees from other countries, it's not necessarily something I am eager to participate in. Like it further traumatizes me, whereas the care I have gotten has been really creative and socially commercial in some comforting way that matches my life.  Part of why I got abused at my bookstore job is because they suspected there were people helping me stay alive, and they felt that it implied an accusation towards them.  But really what it did was save me from a real chronic threat to my already attacked life.

I think I am going to feel depressed for a few days while my joke book ad runs.  It is from spiritual impact, and really I am glad that there is some kind of supernatural component.

One of my friends recently pointed out that thinking things are not supernatural is actually a deception.  I mean you think about science and modern life, and that is scary, like the sterile, lifeless facade that is a lie.  Wow how interesting, that could really be explored in literature but it is not going to be me. 

I think it is interesting what is me, like what turned out to be my product, it is just some zippy zappy humor that some people will not approve of and other people find find actual salvation through.  I mean they really could if people don't waste it.

I felt the holy spirit at starbucks so that is nice. I hope I can stay hopeful and motivated.

Candy Haul

 Hello everyone. Today is Wednesday, March 26. I just went to Walgreens to get water.  I have enough room in my cart for two large packages of bottled water.  But I only got one and instead bought a twelve pack of pepsi and thirty dollars worth of candy. Really it's not that much candy: Two packs of peeps, a cadbury eggs, some jelly beans and mike and ikes, and some goobers.

It cost 47 dollars.  Ouch! But definitely what I want to spend money on. 

On my way back, this truck tried to run me over at the crosswalk even though I had the light. And I imagined the newspaper saying someone got dragged on the street to death, and I knew they would ignore my real name and insist on using my old name.  And I was stewing a little bit and then I heard someone shout my real name loudly.  I think it was Jahnazia.  She was walking with Benny. It was great to see both her and Benny.  And then oddly James held the door for me when I got back to the building.  James gets mad at me sometimes so I don't know what the occasion was.  I just don't answer my door at 3 am because it is not a good habit.  I mean maybe it is, maybe I am wrong, maybe I should be a 24-7 food extraordinaire.  But to me there should be off hours.

So anyway, then Brian who works in the office was nice enough to me. I think it was because I bought water. But the feeling this morning where the holy spirit receded was disturbing.  It is a sign of being mistreated.  I don't know if anyone cares about noticing those patterns, but to me it was surprising.  The HS likes when people are nice to me and that is why I had a steady flow of it at the hospital last week.  

But I am going to expect some kind of resurrection during times where people are mean and God's presence leaves. I mean I honestly have wondered if it is a simple as the holy spirit doesn't like snakes. But Jesus felt that God left him at the cross and I think that is weirdly how it works.

So anyway I don't know what the mental health people are up to but I am wondering if I get sent to the hospital soon.  Or maybe I can do a PHP. I would love to do a PHP.  Online or in person.  Would my attendance be okay? I do not know.  I only have four years left so I might not be too much of a hog if I chose to participate. Even every year, would that be so greedy? I do not know, but I do think it is greedy to take a hospital bed when the manic episode people need one.