Hello everyone. This is Refried. It is Wednesday, July 1. I kind of feel mild angst and depression.  It could be low iron fatigue. It is hard to tell if it is mental or physical.  But I am at least cooled off and okay in my room. I just kind of don't feel as good as I did earlier today.

It could be from trauma from texting with my mom.  Or going outside and being aware of how bad the heat is going to be for two days. Or all the news, etc.

It might be some fear about the possible trip but I think that will be okay. But I have felt overwhelmed sometimes lately, like from trying to do normal things that aren't as disabled. 

I think I have a comedy class tomorrow. I hope it goes well. I think it will.  But I do not know if I am getting the link emails or not.

But anyway I just ate some sour dots. They were pretty good. Then I fixed myself a coffee.

I am excited about being in the self publishing group that I joined. I hope I sell some books soon. 

Tomorrow I talk to my therapist. I am really glad about that.

Ok Ravneet said I need to eat something. I think I should make scrambled eggs. I could also make a grilled cheese sandwich. Maybe I will do both. I think I can wait until ten oclock.  I think that might be why I don't feel that great is because I had a stretch of time this afternoon where I did not eat enough.

But I ate apple jacks and a milkshake a while ago.  So now I will have some coffee.

Well have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. Some people I prayed for had a good surgery and then things went bad.  I will try to see the rest of the video but I was not able to watch it all. I mean I guess I am a wimp or maybe selfish, frankly.

I talked to my mom and she is getting good care for her hip and has to do the other one in a few months. I mean wow I did not expect that and it kind of stresses me out. However she did say I could go on a certain trip to a conference that I want to go to.

And yet it is kind of not that easy to attend.  I just always said I would never travel to california and now I am probably going to at least try. It is actually very direct from new york and might end up seeming easier than my train trips.

But it means I need a deposit friday. I will tell my mom tomorrow. I hope this goes okay. I felt the holy spirit all afternoon and think it was because of conference prayers. Although it could be that ministry power from a middlechurch person that I felt the power from one time. Hmm that could be it but I do not know.  But anyway I ended up just deciding to do what I said I would do and it went well.

So now I will try to go to the conference.  It is just that the last conference yielded a return of 60 million video views.  I mean that was from that conference. So what will be from this one? I do not know.

This also makes me feel like I really let down the Write to Publish people but I did the best I knew to do in that scenario. I think their policy needs to be more inviting for attendees and the strictness can be applied to speakers. I mean does that not make sense to people? I think that is not a bad policy in this phase of church growth.

And yet I myself might have been wrong to not try to be a speaker for this conference that I am going to.  But it is okay. I probably could not handle the stress of feeling like I can't bail if something goes truly wrong.

So anyway I ate some apple jacks .I had felt a little weak from not eating much for several hours. I think soon I will drink some coffee. 

It is really warm outside and I think there is an effect from everything baking all day and then when the temperature is a little cooler it still feels like you can't cool off. I mean honestly I am kind of warm in my room right now. But we have air conditioning and you can feel the difference as soon as you come inside.

So anyway I also have orange sherbet so I can make a sherbet shake later. I think I will do that.  And I have enough liquid for two days but honestly I might should have gotten a twelve pack of soda.

Well, have a good day everyone.

 Don't you people get it? Proposing on the empire state building is cliche and these people went up to the top and it is so funny and cool.  What it everyone's problem that they are trying to make it political or something.  Or judge it.  Did anyone else do anything remotely that cool today?  I mean people going to work when it is hot is pretty amazing but this was a special cool thing and I feel like people feel when their sports team wins.

It is very Ayn Rand to me.

Congrats pals, I hope you get pardoned and not sent to rykers.

 Pals, my friend and I are postponing our open mic comedy debut because of the heat. It is weird because I really was going to go.  So now I will take my medicine at about 11 am.  I slept well and hopefully I will have an okay day.

I have to immediately figure out if I can fly to California. I just have never flown that far before.  I always felt like I would not travel there but I would like to go to the conference.

I think I am not going to invite the other church people.  I think I will try to hot dog it if I am able to.

It means asking my mom for the money.  Man she is tired of that. I will think about it for another hour and then maybe ask.  We just have a lot going on with her knee so I need to really consider if I can do a trip.

I have just a few hours to figure it out. It could be a fun opportunity but there are reasons not to go.  The disability is the main thing, the distance, and the cost. But the last conference had. good outcome and they were nice to include me.

I might give myself until 5 pm to call my mom after her appointment and maybe talk to my sister too.

So okay, this day will be fine. One thing at a time and do the best I can. 

I mean who knows, I might go to the conference and I would like to if I can.

 Gice possibly I was too slow to think of inviting a few people from my church in NY. Like I could imagine me plus Natalie plus Monique, or even five or six people just for fun. But it is invite only. And I think this is late in the game to secure an invite. But the pastor category is a thing and some people are online pastors. So if I said can I bring a friend who is also relevant to the conference then they might say yes. And people can only be an attendee now.

But honestly maybe it is a good idea. I think three of us. Because I am medically fragile. And I could ask my mom for some help but maybe less.

I just do really want to go to the conference if I can.

 Ok I think I am cracking the code on that. The issue is if I am asking a church to help out, shouldn't it be the other church.  And my feeling is that they already do their thing and I do mine, and they know that 2000 dollars would pay for half a year of the outreach in question.  It also creates kind of an agenda feeling, like what's in it for my other church that would help me go there. It is a mission other than the actual theme of the event.  This is the stuff that pastors have to figure out a lot. But a lot of solves itself because they are doing their main mission.  So do I have any conflicts of interests.  Not really, just a limited budget.  So now we question facebook not monetizing me.  And where are they? In the location of my church's jurisdiction.

I mean maybe this is interesting, maybe I just simply don't have enough money for a one day event where I would be utterly tormented anyway.  And then what else? I feel how close I am to being able to ask for help from my new york church but have felt like it is not right to ask for help on the memes.  And honestly I think I am right about both things.

Anyway I kind of think I am going to ask about the trip, to send another person and myself, but the other person hasn't been accepted with a free ticket. So hmm. I just think this is an opportunity to work this out.

I mean it might come down to the fact that I am not that active of a member.

But really I think all parties see the interests and goals.  And at the end of the day we try to save money but pray for the world because my gosh we do want people to go to heaven.

So anyway I have been feeling gallbladder twinges and I just ate a small piece of cheesecake and I am not sure that was a good idea but probably I will be fine. It feels lower than the gallbladder like the liver but I think it is the gallbladder. It is not that bad. 

Gice I think I can't ask for another person to go with me because they would have to be accepted too.  That is the issue and possibly one that I don't want to navigate and wait for. But I will think about this some more. I think actually most anyone who would go with me would also be innocent and not photo bombing the event.

 Pals, I have felt better about food this spring and am thankful for the vittles from Instacart. I will try to make some egg sandwiches and not waste the bread and eggs. I wish I had sausage but the shopper could not find it.

I might take my medicine at 3 am and try to wake up at 11 so I can go downtown at 2:30.  It is going to be hot but I will hopefully be okay.

Am I going to fly to California. I do not know. I mean you kind of just buy the plane tickets, book a hotel, and get a cab.  I don't know if I am up for it. I think they know it might happen but might not.

Most people don't have a lot of money right now.  For me there is a health factor, too. And scatterbrain.

What about taking a friend with me. Hmm I do not know. By the way I know I forgot a staff member. I can't remember the guy's name. I think it starts with an R and is the same name as a female that I know.  But I can't remember it and I am sorry.  There are probably other people anyway.

Ok this idea is forming.  Similar to what I dismissed. I was going to see if my liberal church wanted to send me as an ambassador to the evangelicals.  But I am like no, we cant afford it, and I am not that much of an insider to even ask.  But what if one of them also wanted to attend? I just don't know. They might feel like a caregiver. I will think about it.