Hello everyone it is Wednesday morning at 8 am. I am at north central Bronx hospital. I took a cab here like every day and it came at 6:30 instead of 7. Really that is okay with me but that meant I had to wait outside instead of coming into the hospital so I got a coffee at Dunkin’ Donuts. It was ok but I just feel that the security people out there think I am a suspicious person. But some people can probably tell that I am a social worker.

So now I am inside the hospital and I finished my coffee. I am tired because of my medicine but was able to wake up fine so I am thankful for that.

I hope someday I can reduce the latuda to 20 mg instead of 40. I think the mental health people at housing and program have hurt my health and it will get worse.

I guess now I am seen as paranoid but most of my issues with other people being mean to me are real. And why not be insightful and speculate about it. Other people are allowed to use their minds. People always want me to live in the moment and focus on the meaningless things around me but that is the thievery of northern meditation. A sad loss that I will not let take everything from me.

Anyway what is left is mailing Medicaid paperwork, calling my mom about the water damage, doing laundry, getting ready for tomorrows inspection, and that is all.

Well, have a good day.

 Hello everyone. It is 8:30 on Monday. I am planning to rest until 11 and then take my medicine.  The program today was kind of mean sometimes because I waited until 2 last night but I had to.

I had a lot on my mind for a few days and did well even though some people found it to not be good enough. I did medicaid paperwork, I went to a workshop, I wrote three good things, I attended church, I published a book, I attended bible study, I dealt with an issue that I still need to make a quick phone call about, I took my medicine, I woke up early for a cab ride, I had to republish the book, I went downtown to print out the medicaid paperwork, I turned in my rent check, I got a call from my doctor, I took my new medicine amount correctly but still got marked down for a missed appointment even though I told them I was going to miss the appointment, I went to dunkin donuts instead of the inside store, I helped another client feel welcome, I was friends with the other clients, I made two art things, I played the piano, I reported the air conditioning problem and answered the phone call from the DOMHMH, I emailed my old school, I took a shower, I changed clothes, I got through a certain time, I took a walk, and I think that is all.  But that is a lot.  That took a lot of work and cooperation.  Cab rides aren't easy, train rides aren't easy, I didn't go to two nice restaurants, I walked far a couple of times, and I prayed for people.

So I did about 33 things. I question why that is not good enough for people.

Anyway probably tomorrow will be a good day.

Okay see y'all later when I take meds.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Sunday, Sept 28 at 10:38 pm. I had a good weekend and published another thin book. It is good and I was surprised that I had enough stuff for it. I actually left out three memes that would have been good.  But it is a good book.  Saturday I wrote stuff for a workshop and it was so fun.  Then Sunday I attended church online and they gave me a secret message to work on the book.  so I compiled it and uploaded it.  But I realized that I left off the names part of an article and didn't remember one of the torture components in a blog post.  So I had to fix it and maybe tomorrow around 5:30 am, I will upload the final edition.

I have a heat rash on my neck because the housing people shut off the air conditioning for the past week or so.  It is illegal and I reported them.  I hope I don't lose housing over it. It actually could make my case stronger if I do lose housing or something. It would be an obvious record of them trying to get away with stuff and I am the person who reports it.  Honestly I think this time they should get in worse trouble because they did it after not getting away with it in May, and it is the same thing.

So anyway I felt good friday and had a therapy effect from the program. And I have been taking the new risperdals. Did I forget one and take the .5? I do not think so. I think I am doing it right. I got another refill today on the trileptals and it is wrong again. I am so sick of it. The wrong pills every time, or the pharmacy doesn't do the refill, or the pills aren't sent at all.  I don't have the strength to do everything twice.  That is so insulting and disrespectful. But I guess add it to the list for lawsuits.

I think I will share the article I wrote about escalation on facebook. I do not know when I will share it but I think I did lose a friend over it and they are wrong. I do not respect people who make excuses for abusers. Someone did it in my support group to someone else, and probably they are motivated by racism.

 Hello everyone, it is Saturday, Sept 27. I had a good day today and went to an awesome online writing workshop.  I wrote three things that I am happy with.

Unfortunately I have been sitting in my room for a few hours trying to cool off unsuccessfully because there is no air conditioning in the building.  They do it in the fall and spring to try to save money but it is against the law for mental health housing.  My room is probably about 100 degrees right now.

It is hard to sleep and I am having to do all the things like put frozen peas on my neck and run cold water on my feet and freeze cokes.

I think that if I have no rights then I should not have to pay rent.  Because as it is I pay rent that is lower than most New Yorkers but enough that I should not be treated as if I am homeless when I am not.

Well anyway I will try to get my mind off of it but I kind of can't.

 Ok everyone, it is Thursday, Sept 25. It is about noon. I need to take a shower and walk to the doctors office before the storm. I think I am able to take the medicine increase. It is only an increase of .5.  I think that will be okay and it will be a familiar risperdal feeling that has pros and cons. And then maybe eventually I can go to 20 mg Latuda instead of 40 after the hospital and I get my new doctor.

I think I can make some sense out of some of the abuse. So early on, how in order to protect me from the assault risks that come with mania, I was subjected to three other sources of abuse that were somehow accetable to everyone: my mom's control and psychological pursuit, the medicine that amounted to roofies, and the bookstore material that was unwanted and increased on purpose. So then you can see the target was my mind and soul.

And then the three three year tortures: the post college where I was on the wrong medicine, in a bad job, and persecuted by family.  And then during the MFA. the abuse at the workplace, the attached, controlling, and critical mom, and then the third thing. Was that church? Do I let them get away with too much?  And then the third torture, from mental health people, the missing book sales, and was it family again? or something else. Hmm I do not know.

And then I think I need to figure out the thing that is worth it. Is it the christian witness? Is it seeing people be okay on judgement day? I think that might be it. Paul talked about loss being gain because it meant he knew christ. But I don't think that is it for me.  Because I could know christ and eat a lobster dinner with christ instead of being crucified in the parking lot. So I think it has to do with other people on judgement day. But I can't earn their salvation through my suffering but I can make relevant requests for them to not lose what was bought for them by christ's suffering.

Well, that is all.  There could be a tornado today that makes everything go crazy and it would be hard to make sense out of it all again. But really you can see some patterns and events and people.

 Hello everyone, it is 11:15 am on Thursday, Sept 25. I just went to 86 street and got my rent check. I also got some yummy food from Chick Fil A and 7-11.  So that is nice but I am still feeling bothered about a medicine issue that might bring back permanent feelings of abuse and injustice.  I am in a hospital program and it is really fun but I am not the same because I am on psychiatric medicine that stunts my attention.  And they want to increase my other medicine that I was substituting for this medicine that makes me lazy, etc. So that feels like a trick and betrayal, to generously agree to try  a new medicine and then it turns out they want to use both medicine and double my devastation.

And then yesterday I thought about accepting that I have paranoia and go ahead and take both medicines, partially out of consideration, and partially from looking at the benefits of it, which might not outweigh the drawbacks.  And I felt peaceful for about an hour but then was aware of how I got the paranoia symptoms and it was from Tamara's abuse, and the other four bad workers as well.  Well I have mostly moved on from that and even thought it may have worked out well because I am mostly okay with the medicine I am on now that it is reduced a little and I can read and write again.

So this was an unexpected problem.  And what they will want to do is treat that as well as if it were a symptom.  Well possibly I am better off without the ruined life, without the constant reminder of an abuse that went unpunished, etc. So just stay on the 40 latuda and .5 risperdal.

Another thing is that I said I was willing to do one mg risperdal and 20 latuda and they said no.  And I know I am right.  And that was enough in their direction that they should accept that.

And the other thing is that my current doctor is retiring and I do not know who my doctor will be.  

So maybe there is a therapy component that could help me decide to accept an injury to my life that is permanent and have faith in the fact that God will punish Tamara for it in front of all of humanity, and my losses will be compensated in heaven. It is a lot of loss though, the last five years of my life being absolutely ruined, with no new books and poems, no other positive activities, and no real preservation of the things that are at risk from paranoia.

So I think the thing to do is try to keep my .5 and 40 combo.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. In 30 minutes I go to the bank to get my rent check. Then later I go to the doctor. There is something bothering me which is that yesterday I was leaning towards increasing my medicine as the hospital person suggests but it brings back mad feelings towards the abusers who damaged my mental health. And that makes it seem worse. So I might be better off with less medicine and a little bit of actual paranoia.

So I don’t know what to do. And always in the picture, the thing that should actually be fixed, is that I should not be abused by mental health staff “people.”