i don't really say well what I am trying to say about the virtue that some people focused on.  I found another mission where I had to be more human in the process.  And it was legitimate and should have had real societal fruit, truly for everyone, with plenty of character and christian witness.  But people blocked utterly any sign of harvest from my life, and unanimously tell me that I am supposed to be displaying these other levels of patience that I think might be highlighted a lot in the letters of paul.  And a lot of people try harder than that and do well.  But that was their mission, not mine. And I don't deserve to be judged by them. And I don't need people to create an illusion, an absolute deception, that my whole life was supposed to be some kind of rigged fake game to demonstrate that stuff, meanwhile with everyone acting like the actual calling that I succeeded at didn't count and never should have.

And maybe the issue now is that I am supposed to be on my path where I care less about what people think and not be affected at all by a disgruntled and fooled audience, but once again, I am questioned for caring about not wasting my life and opportunities. It is all seen as worldly and useless instead of my only platform after church has made their perpetual decision, completely consistent, to waste my gifts to the point of putting me at risk of not even staying alive.  That is what you people do, time and time again, and I knew thirty years ago that it would never change, and I was right about that, wasn't I.  But if I pretend to be a convert, then I can get enough attention to survive the attack from the worse people.  

 Hey everyone, my books got approved on amazon. I did remember that my friend Emily had done an actual retelling of Les Miz.  I just forgot. But I think my book is different enough and funny. I think it is still the right book to use for that purpose of my joke. 

However I might look for a way to do something for my friend sometime if I am able. Her book optimization for googling is very good though already.

So anyway i got a kirkus email to promote my review but wow of course not. The reviews are too low and I am used as a convenient foil, probably because of my amateur book covers. I feel like it was an opportunity for them to show off their true objectivity but possibly it is not as true as I would hope.

So anyway no need to sqwawk about that. I think for the rest of the imaginary mice books I will use the online book club review system which comes up more often in google, too. I mean that is interesting, how the kirkus reviews don't show up in an author search.  Because they want you to pay for any visibility.

I am glad though that someone read a few of my books.

Hello everyone. It is 1:44 am. Time to take my medicine soon. 

Pals. Are people mad at me?

I am thinking of giving a speech where I talk about that mickey mouse shirt incident.

I just don't think that the pride parade was about me. But a million people, that is amazing.

Wow I have no regrets from not going.

I guess I am supposed to be sleeping. 

I might call Dr. Busch tomorrow and tell her I am getting attacked by an evil power sometimes.

I forgot about something to interpret.

Maybe I will pray for those pals who have surgery tomorrow.

Pals. I am trying to crack the code on a bible verse. It is the one about God humbling the people who exalt themself and exalting the people who humble themself and I think if I read it and try to apply it then whatever I do is a form of seeking the exaltation.  

So I think the trick is to put my mind on other people who I actually care about, in other countries and our own, and then just feel the sincere prayers form. And then the greed kicks in and I can really send in some requests. Which again is me telling everyone I am praying but for some reason that just became my lifestyle is to pray and say.

But I think part of why that is the life for some reason has to do with God already intervening in my hypocrisy schemes.  I think the mental illness addressed that and now I am a coke machine.

Ok we have discussed this before. I just feel like when I mention the torture it is some kind of attempt to get a cheap admiration of some kind. And yet it is really what I have to say in my normal work life that is already kind of just true in a certain way. Like I'm on the path, it is already established, and I just yap in a certain way. So I talk about whatever is true in my life.  And the torture is one of those subjects.

So I think this feeling of batting into the air, like when you miss the ball and swing and hit nothing, might be something contrived by the torture scenario itself.  Like it's y'all, not me.

But I kind of don't appreciate this whole thing where people insist that I should have chosen certain christian behavior that I chose not to invest in for a reason. I had another project I was working on and had to choose my battles and chose wisely.  But everyone just wastes all that and questions why I am not doing whatever the conservative presbyterians wasted their time on.

I mean is that it? You wanted me to say that? So there is no positive crowd of beneficiaries but instead a small angry mob of elite rejectors? And that's it?

Anyway I had a good time on facebook this weekend. I wish I had gone to toastmasters. I did not realize it was yesterday. I need to make a calendar for myself.

Should I go downtown tomorrow? I need to check the weather.

I guess just keep walking and think of jokes and do the comedy.

 Hello everyone.  I left off the following post from my book and I kind of wish it was in there so who knows, there could be another eventual upload.  But I am happy with it for now.

I accidentally posted a photo without cropping it so people can see how dirty my computer is. Well that is too bad but it is okay.

Had an incident on the jokes page but I think I fixed it pretty well.

There is something else to say, which is that I am considering using AI to write a story about groundhogs.

I just feel like I can't write any more but still want to write about cute characters.  Maybe I can do a series of scenes. Hmm, maybe I will try that. Ok I can be strong and not use ai yet.

i felt the bad feeling last night and drove it away myself in a conversation. Then I felt it again today a little bit but now it is gone. I think I can read NYP notes if it comes back.

Gice.  the computer in the photo. I mean I could crop and edit.

 Pals, I wish I could have gone to Xu Xi's party. She certainly made the invite available. But I forgot to RSVP and inquire. However I think I would not have done well because of pride crowds.

I think my health post is okay. I did not know if I should post or not but eventually I felt like it was time for an update. And I think the conspiracy agrees.  And I also truly believe that on any of these visits, it could be the time when I am not okay.  But I still do think it is when I am 53. So I say that. 

It's not a big deal. This is a time for most of my generation where we lose our parents and for some people, bad things happen and they themselves are gone soon. And I am one of those people.  And it could have happened much sooner and did for some people.

Wow that is so sad.

But at the same time, there are things I am tired of and people are tired of some of my stuff but that is because they were also harmed by people hurting me.

Ravneet is not sad about my post.  She already knows and is having a good time as part of the conspiracy.

Do you gice like my jokes that are posting? I kind of want to boost the gambling insurance joke.  But I do not know if I will. I don't know if people will get it or not.

I just got a secret message that some people know something that they are pretending not to know.

That is hilarious. I mean think of the jokes. Like on pride day, coming out as Bobby Hurley.

 Pals, I am going to try to go to a mensa meeting. It is not that easy. I am going to mostly listen today.

I wanted to take a walk. I think I could have. Now it is hot and going to rain soon.

What should I eat for lunch.  possibly make crescent rolls. With strawberry jam and butter.

Pals, the hospital notes. Kind of interesting.  Not really a game.  Like I did not even pay attention to the vitals until I saw that my blood pressure was too high.  I think it is back to normal now.

I mean kind of disturbing when you can't breathe correctly.  But it was anxiety.

I mean that felt real like it wasn't planned by the conspiracy.

I feel like Montefiore just got credit for all the medical care.  

But that was pretty crazy what they did for me.