So basically soon after college I sent a letter to my friend who had depression and I think it had a prayer which I might be confusing with another letter but in the prayer I asked God to always do the funny thing.  So then in the conspiracy people would choose that over something inspirational or sweet or even thoughtful sometime, is that some kind of funny message or event that had to do with me would be funny instead of other things.  Well in third grade I was friends with two people named Susan and Elizabeth and Elizabeth and I kind of fought over Susan because she was kind of exclusive sometimes and I think the teacher talked to my mom about it and my mom was ashamed. Well my mom also has autism and is like a child so she ended up really becoming part of the social issues with me and Susan and Elizabeth like a peer.  As if she was also fighting over the friends.  Except she became mad at Susan because she was so ashamed that I liked Susan too much.  That was also some of my first hints of gayness, besides not wanting to wear the unicorn skirt in first grade. So my mom always tried to keep me from being friends with Susan after that, even though I had so much fun with Susan and loved her a lot.  So in high school I was friends with Elizabeth again and it was so fun and funny. And we used to laugh at all kinds of stuff and one of those things was the Tiny toons character named Elmira who used to love a rabbit and squeeze it too hard.  And say I will love it and squeeze it and call it George. So anyway the conspiracy did a lot of stuff and they thought the funny thing would be to get my mom to do that to me for my whole adulthood. 

And they thought the even funnier thing would be if I died from it.  And it is also a heartwarming love story because someone saw that my mom was going to torture me to death and they got Barnes and Noble to also torture me to death, because I was working there partially because of my dad's opposition to my true career. So that could mean that both my mom and dad worked together to torture and kill me. And even I did not know what my true career was for a while, because I had chosen advertising, when secretly I also wanted to do more christian service. But when I sincerely left youth ministry in college to concentrate more on my advertising major,  suspecting that maybe I was depressed because I should have pleased my parents more, then something terrible happened which was that my parents still weren't pleased and ruined the advertising stuff too.  Except I saw it ahead of time and told my dad that I wanted to work at Barnes and Noble.  And I did want to work there.  It was like honesty camp and I knew I needed that. I also saw that it was going to be parental persecution and end in death, and it was hard to believe, but I knew it was true. 

But someone else saw it ahead of time, too, and got my parents to be "in on it." Which meant they saved money on purpose for whatever was after the torture because they were willing to send me somewhere better as long as I could no longer benefit from it.  That is about being gay, about the religion, and I think there is a third thing.  The third thing might have to do with my sister.  Some idea that my success hurts her because they did not provide for her what she needed. And my sister still thinks I was the one who stole from her. And my mom still genuinely does not like my memes that say "God loves you," and does not want to support reaching 60 million people in India and Africa with evangelical christianity, or is it "christian evangelism." Which one do you really hate, everyone? "I don't like that," is my mom's consistent, lifelong reaction to my connection with any actual christian love, which interestingly, she feeds off herself from my soul and depends on it for her survival after alienating so many other people.  So mixed up in her obsession with me is a love for Jesus.  She also believes my life is hers.  That is from her autism.  She really thinks I belong to her in some owned way. And she thinks no one can tell that she is cheating socially by being attached to me and dragging me into the grave with her.  That is social blindness.  It has been there since I was in middle school.  I have done everything I could for her, but still feel it is right to publicly say the truth about her abuse, as in this post,  which causes a huge portion of christians to believe that I do not honor my parents. So my mom and dad got both things from me:  the forgiveness and the ruined reputation. The absolutely impossible, superhuman levels of lifelong patience and disincentivized survival, plus me being permanently regarded by multiple levels of society as a bad person who took advantage of my parents instead of vice versa.

Something else interesting in this story is that the friend named Susan was a Catholic and the friend named Elizabeth was Lutheran.  Elizabeth's dad was a pastor and Susan's dad was a doctor and her family were awesome Catholics. Just awesome, way to go! And now I am Catholic too, a little bit. I started believing their theology in tenth grade when my English teacher said that some people pray for people after they died.  And I was like, yes, of course. I will do that. But what you wouldn't expect is that in math class I did something very bad while goofing off with Elizabeth, and the forgiveness is hard to believe.  It is also something I hesitate to share for reasons of influence risk, but it is also something from a cartoon.  I put a tack in her chair.  That hurt her and that is a very serious mistake that reflects psychological problems.  But I did not even get in trouble even though she was really wounded.  Well I believe that is none other than stigmata. You can find stigmatas like that in a lot of stories. Hints of stigmata.  Well we aren't Paul. 

So anyway my mom is helping me a lot on my trip and I am thankful. I could just not post this, couldn't I?

And yet here is the discussion question for the high schoolers: Do you think Refried Bean wanted her mom's lifelong incestuous forced marriage? And to be lethally mentally assaulted by the whole porn industry in her hometown at her father's request?

I could end it there, I guess but I think there is more.  Which is that I think my sister would have been a good therapist.  And I would have been a good copywriter.  And I saw in high school, I would do two things: social work and writing. Well why is is two things, and where was my sister's thing? She is a media person now. It might have worked out.  We watched TV together and she worked in media for a living. And whatever I did has to do with her, too. Our family is in the torture program.  They might really believe I tortured them with as much certainty as I have when I write this, that they killed me.

So another discussion question is "Where would we be without Stn? I mean it is a good question. I did tell God I would be the antichrist if he needed that.  And sometimes not just lawyers but social workers do stuff to verify claims.

 I think some people think I should have kept all that stuff about the queries to myself but I think it is something to really think about and could be key elements in appreciating what turned out to be God's real plan.  And the writing is christian themed so it is appropriate for it to reflect God's timing.  However I think there is some injustice that became chronic torture.  I mean I do not like to use the word chronic for that. But it was ongoing and things that were supposed to be over became permanent.  And permanent is interesting too, because it seems like it has an ending point or even is the ending point, and not as perpetual as to be my whole life.

But anyway I am happy with this caregiver idea and it does match one of the earliest envisionings. But wow how did anyone else see it. I have never been that unselfish as to understand someone's hidden prophecies. And some of it was hidden but I mean I do not know.  Maybe in a way the path made sense to other people and just not me.

Well that is enough of that kind of reflection. I am going to get coffee with my friend Diana later and I think she is torturing me.  Yesterday I said I would meet her at 7 at Monterreys, and then suddenly she was like, can I invite the spouse, and I said I would love to meet him, then all of a sudden they want to go to not just a different place but a different muther effing mexican restaurant and pick me up. Well no, I am not giving directions and triggering my mentally ill mother, and we had a plan, and I said it had to be near the mall.  But then even that is not good enough, so I have to cancel.  But I was kind of aburpt and she was pretty good at seeing I was overwhelmed, except there was still more texting to answer.  And now, I agreed to go to Panera later, but she is going to text me when instead of telling me.  So I have to be on call and possibly miss an online meeting that could have worked out. Or maybe that meeting is the secret thing that catches the tricksters.

It is a meeting to work on cover letters and interview skills.  I mean maybe it is supposed to be a joke or something that I am still trying to get over that hurdle that happens right after college. 

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Friday the 13th!! 

but it is November. I mean maybe to comment on it at all is superstitious in a bad way. 

I mean like dabbling in the occult.

I am participating in a writers event right now from Happy Writers Community.  It is pretty fun and it is very minimally interactive. Like we are literally just sitting on a discord screen together with our cameras off and we aren't even talking at all.

So that is pretty funny because it is just right. I really appreciate it.

Pals I am kind of low self esteem right now because I found an old rejected query but it is really good info for me to keep in mind.  It is a Harper Collins Query for my book called "At Least These Poems are Short." The person liked my poems but I had submitted it for children and she felt it wasn't for children.  But I think in the end we all figured out that it is for teens. And now it will be in my pen name instead of my old name.  So it does work out and they know that I am glad about that.  

So I think what we are looking at is a series of queries and job applications over the years, and the main questionable rejections were the Orange Soda book from Peachtree when I was in college, the rhymes book from Harper Collins when I was late 20s, and the humor poems from Wave when I was 33. That is the missing writing career.

It is something to think about. Were they right or were they wrong, could those rhymes have hacked it at all. I do have some opinions about how rhymes should have been more accepted in general and that was a mistake of the poetry community.  Like okay from eminem, but not a bookstore nerd like me.

However does that mean this particular query response was erroneous? Not necessarily.  Possibly there should have been a lesser company for me to publish with. And I would have and was not grandiose then.

But now I have like a hundred zingers and 500 interestings, and that is a lot to have been rejected from someone with schizophrenia. Oh but we thought it was manic depression.  

So anyway I guess it is just time for a good self publishing outcome.  I am kind of happy to champion it because I do think it should be a legitimate option.  But I feel the ads should not be zero and they are.

So I do not understand why that is the case.  There should be a middle ground and yet I am fully shut down and that is not going to go well for anyone on actual Judgement Day.

Also why did I get grandiose.  Because of a year long writer's high that was in fact miraculous and matched societal needs. And then I was attacked and shut down on purpose with no court justice.

So I mean I do not know what to think about some things. 

There is another issue that has to do with how some people think God must not be pleased so he didn't bless my career. And I feel that and question it myself except he did bless the content.  So what and where is the issue? And I myself kind of did respect the gatekeeping that I witnessed by the titles at Barnes and Noble.  My opinion was that all those publishing people did do pretty well.

But then I got resentful because I felt that I was not treated fairly.  And I am left out of AWP.

But I think really the Vermont people felt I was a writer for teens.  Clean teen christian secular, in other words, actual successful evangelical.  To me that was very sweet of them.  And then I turn around and am not happy with the liberal politics.  But they treated me well, amazing love from all of them, only to have the country vote for Trump anyway. So they are like WTF.  But their WTF can be directed to NYU, frankly.  But NYU was social work and was just deflecting credit so as not to appropriate someone from the most despised social class: me.

 Hello everyone, my internet is working okay now and I am in Greenville, SC. I had a good visit with my mom, sister, and niece today. It was great and I ate some good food.

Then I went to a bible study online at one of my churches and it was great. Thanks a lot, Jacqui.

My joke that I sent to Amanda and some other pals went well. The joke was "We might need to put God on the prayer list."

I think that is really funny. I know I already quoted myself on this blog about it.

So anyway I am having a good trip and feel okay. I am thankful I was okay on the train ride. I did not even have heartburn.  I slept more than usual and during the hours that I often can't stand it and am tired, I felt fine.

The chili I ate tonight was spicy and I hope it does not cause a lupus flare up.  Possibly what happened this summer was also because of the elevator abuse.

Two of my friends have staph infections on their faces and they did that for me as part of the conspiracy. That is hard to believe, isn't it. Well it is also for God and Jesus and the young people of the future.

I always used to think there must have been surveys handed out where people said what they would do for the conspiracy. But I really do not know how it works.

It drives me crazy to not have my comedy video yet. I do not know why it takes longer now.

Well I have to work on this copyright stuff. It could take more time. I literally thought it was already done. So I am not happy about the delay and think it is actually going to be delayed twice and I have to mail the books from here which will take another week. 

 Hello everyone, the train is at the charlottesville station. I hope we get to Greenville at the right time.

This is not that easy but not that hard. I think that I am doing better with the train ride after reducing the latuda some last March. I think when I was on it then I had a harder time tolerating the train ride. And I started feeling too disabled like possibly the sleeper car was the only possible option but so far I am okay.

Now there are new people on the train and I hope I don't get tortured. I have had some issues in the last part of this trip before. 

But it seems like the train isn't as crowded as sometimes but it might fill up. Ok now there is an ornery man giving someone a hard time. 

It is kind of a bad sign but there are some nice people. Sure I will be a witness if something happens.

I liked that last train buddy, she was nice but it kind of tortured me because I felt like I had to control my thoughts more than usual.  And the lady across the aisle from her was a nurse so that is nice.

But now I just have to hopefully be okay and I think I am okay. The blood pressure is not an issue. I do not need the asthma inhaler, I do not have heartburn, my memory is fine, my gallbladder does not seem to be that bad, the low iron is still functional mostly, so I think I am okay. The only real problem is just the train ride itself.

One of the workers kind of looked at me mean and I am not sure why but it is probably okay.

I mean I think Amtrak escalates people sometimes. I think they did it to me with the bid up program and I will never sign up for that again. I will just report it when that happens, Better Business Bureau.

I think that these years of mayem will eventually pass and there are enough people who know how things should be done and will preserve the things that people need to be functioning in certain ways.

 Hello everyone, I am on the train, it is okay. I took my medicine so now I am sleepy I think that is good but I do not know, maybe i shoudl stay awake. The trees outside are nice.

Well that is all for now 

have a great day everyone,

 Ok everyone my bag is packed. I have an hour before I need to leave. I am waiting to get coffee at the Amtrak station. I might take an empty grocery bag with me. I am not taking snacks except for an orange drink in the bag. Because it is hard to carry that far. But it is not that bad. I will try to get a cab from grand central. So the issue is just to the train station here. This phone is charging at 85 percent. 

The smell in my fridge is still there but I just can’t fix that at this time. I wish I was taking those newer nice jeans but I have two khakis plus the jeans I have on. And three shirts. I need to brush my teeth and pack that.

I think other than that I am all set and can sit here for an hour. Does anyone have any thoughts?