Basically I thought of a really good comeback to say about the oppressor in question but I am not saying it and it makes me realize just how much I don't say certain kinds of things.  And most people don't, and that should have been good enough.  But people chose to pretend we were guilty anyway, and your lies have ruined the whole world. There probably won't be any signs of recovery for about a hundred years. 

I believe it is too late to go back and do the right thing.

So anyway, should I allude to the idea on my Bronx Page. I do not know.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Monday, Oct 12. I just had an interesting dream where I was in a hospital and an army plane that was rectangular in shape hovered outside my window and I wanted to wave an american flag but the flag was my roommate's and she said I could not wave it. So then I went to go use the bathroom which was a ladies room and it said Sarah on it, like it had been named after me as my old name.  So then people tried to come in my stall and there was a guy in the stall next to me so I had to say something. Then I was at this other city where there was a building and it had to do with preparing for Camp Opportunity and something was going on with a skateboard company or something and then I was on a train and there were PFR people shooting machine guns into the air.  Before that I was at Penn Station and it had to do with NY Cares and sitcoms. I mean it was an interesting dream.

So anyway sometimes I feel something lacking like what to be working on. Should I go pass out books at the park. I wish that Bronx event had been a successful book drop but oh well.

I feel targeted by racism again but I am thankful for having a month or two where I did not feel it as much. But I also feel more of the reality how it is going to be called what it is. People really thought God and no one else would see it and say it but it will be said. And I am aware of the people who think it is me and I feel sorry for you.  You are going to be humiliated.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried It is Sunday, Oct 11 at 5:33. I am going to call a friend of mine soon and then go to an online bible study.

I cooked some meat in cream sauce and it was yummy.  It is raining outside so I did not walk to Starbucks. I think I will make some coffee here soon. Yesterday I got some good groceries. I feel back to normal after the digestion incident.  I mean it was honestly kind of extreme and might have had some dyspepsia involved. I mean wow who knows how it all works.  Well actually some people do know how it works.

So anyway I just sent a message to someone to say wasn't that funny when Cornel West said something smart and then said, so how about putting that in your theological crack pipe and smoking it.  Or something like that. I mean wow it was funny and the things he said were interesting too.

One of the things is about how people try to find the answer to meaninglessness when really the thing lacking might be love. I mean that is one of the best things I have ever heard. And yet I do think meaning and ideas are sometimes the psychological food of love.  So that is an interesting topic. Wow he was a good speaker. I mean some people do what they are supposed to and it pays.

So okay. This week I think I might try to pass out some books in the park.  Will I take some downtown also on Wednesday? Well I do not know.  What park would I go to? What neighborhood. It is not easy having a rejection status.  But I possibly don't know what I have been spared.  Because what if I was confident and thought myself important and then could not relate to everyone.

Well hmm I do not know. I got some prayers in today but not as many as what is needed.  But I feel that it must be God's plan for me to have prayer gaps a lot in these years.

So anyway, does anyone have any thoughts? I just am glad I feel better.  And I think this food I ate will help my iron numbers go up. That was weird, wasn't it. I think I will google it some. Do you think Hannah got enough thanks? Well I do not know but I do the best I can.

 Pals, this is Refried. I went to a cool group today. I started to get tired and had intrusive thoughts. But they need to understand that it is not them and I like everyone there.

My participation was good but I did not collect addresses for a Joke Book.

I mean the Joke Book is good but it is not like the end all be all of books. 

It is not an emergency for everyone to have a joke book.  But I do believe it is surprisingly consistently funny for anyone.

So anyway that is enough of that.

I am drinking some coffee. Wow the french onion dip and chips were really yummy. I mean that was a great buy and bargain. I think I will cook some of that meat later. And make a sauce out of cream, soy sauce, worchester, honey, and I guess that is all. I mean it will be yummy. And I can toast some bread in the oven. I gave some bread to my friend Diamond and I am glad to not waste it. The food club helps me with that a lot but I do miss Genghis. 

Pals that girl on instagram is so funny.  Who did the thing about oreo flavors, ways professors tell you when you have the wrong answers, and stuff like that.  It is so funny.

I mean frankly I am not the funniest person and am kind of stuffy. And that was what that was referring to.  But I do have some good jokes and my orange joke is funny right now. I will boost it sometime if I am able to.

Ravneet said she is proud of me. She knows I lost two pounds. Ravneet I am doing the best I can.

Sometimes I feel lulls and don't know what to do about my book business. Like what is the next step. Well I do not know. I think I should start passing out books in the park soon. Maybe Tuesday.

Well have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. I took my medicine. For some reason I had to wait a while but I got sleep and am ok. I hope I will not be too sleepy for the kidlit meeting later.

I had a dream where I was helping all these mice and there were too many but it was ok but kind of weird.

So anyway I hope all the TBC people had a good time. I certainly did.

Pals are people mad at me. I think it is going to take a while to recover mentally from the IBS incident. I just felt so sick, but it is familiar and not that big of a deal.

I think it might have to do with Joke Book but I don't know why. Is it because of the facebook ad or because of tha TBC query? Well I do not know.

That was my main Oct activity. Next week is Self Pub Con.

 how is Ravneet doing? I think she is proud of me.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Saturday, Oct 10. I am doing okay. I am in my room and it is plenty comfortable. Karla is not that much of a bully and I am sorry that I portray her worse than necessary sometimes.  Although it is a thing. 

So anyway I ate some chips and dip, a piece of baloney and cheese, and a vanilla pudding.  I feel okay and am not worried about any of my problems. The indigestion from last night was IBS.  I do not know what caused it but it could have been from a spiritual power. But it is all a familiar feeling when I think about it.

I am so thankful for Hannah Park who helped me not worry and was able to know what caused it. I mean how do they do that, I do not know. But she knew it was my same condition as normal.  And I think they all knew that it would be over in the morning and it was.  But I still didn't feel good but some of it is psychological.  And the low iron feelings are not different than what they have been.  I took three iron pills recently and will take another one tonight. I guess I need to check and see if that is a trigger for the IBS.  But I think it is only part of the picture and so far I can still take that medicine.  I am three doses behind on pantropazole but that is not that bad either. That is okay.  And I think I am ok on psych meds if I take it tonight.  So all that is actually normal. 

The previous blog post could be considered a spell of paranoia but really I think that is based on a real trigger and actual suspicious scenarios.  But I am okay on that too.  So I guess I will take my medicine very soon and just go to sleep.

Does anyone have any thoughts? I think I did okay. 

Well, that was an interesting week. 

 Hello everyone. It is warm in my apartment again. Karla gave me the same talk where she says to come to her first before emailing grievances and justice center. I told her that you don’t negotiate with abusers but report them. 

I can interpret some legal threats from her, actually. She said she took the job to be a punching bag. I think she was trying to make me think she could claim I cursed at her and people would believe her. But I think there is some reverse logic there where people can guess how she treats us if she wants to be called a name.

Definitely I feel that the racist network includes other friends of mine now. It is an anti evangelical thing.

I do not know why this is starting up again. Maybe it never stopped but I was just glad to not see certain specific people so I thought there was relief.

That is all for now. I am thankful for my groceries.