So I think it is five hours until the conference. Maybe people think I should be taking my medicine soon.  But I think I will take it at 3 am. I mean is something going on that I don't know? I don't like being in the mob thought bubble nyt hypocrit factory.  But I am left leaning and see my black friends from high school as being pretty reliable reactors to factors.

Factor Reactors.

So anyway, it's not that big of a deal. Does no one show up to the Golden Kite party? That was so weird. I mean the tables were mostly empty but I am sure this conference must be so full.

Well, that is all for now. I just think once I go to sleep then it will be hard to wake up for the conference.  Are you guys wondering if I should skip medicine? Hmm I do not know. I think I will take the medicine and set an alarm. 

Well I still think I will leave that post up. I mean who did I lose, everyone? That is okay. I think certain friends are my real friends but might have waves of true disgust.  

I didn't confess to slurs if that is how some people perceive it.  I just feel like people deserve not just condolences but apologies. Like for people to admit that they themselves are not totally innocent.

But wow there are some people who want me to be worse than I am.  And it is interesting because who are my true friends? Some people frankly aren't sometimes.  They bullied me. But I guess I already established that with those poems.

Maybe that is the issue.  Hmm I guess it could be. But I think those poems were real crowd-pleasers.

Well have a good day everyone.

 Ok possibly I have missed some news because my little apology on facebook was not very popular. But it was what I felt like saying. I think possibly one issue was that I said "everyone." Well I decided not to say "black friends." But the black friends are who I was sincerely apologizing to.

But the person who clicked like is I think a right winger.  I am surprised that she is a right winger, too.  Though I could be wrong.

I mean have I already lost a lot of facebook friends, I do not know. I mean maybe most people blocked me.  Some people are off facebook. But I saw posts from friends who seem genuinely hurt by certain very official offenses.  

And I can't speak for the other people who I sympathize with and agree that they are persecuted and framed.  Because really I don't know by now that those people don't agree with the bad person in calling other people names.  I mean is that it?  Are people really saying that?

Because I don't see it that way.  I think there are a lot of bad people who deserve to be called any name.  But most people don't deserve that disrespect from the main leader of the country.

I mean maybe I should watch the news.

But anyway I will let people think what they think.  

I need to take a shower and maybe I will do that soon. It is already 2 am. A lot of my friends are still awake. I think they are making sure to not appropriate people. I think my friend Jadon said hello.  

I need to mail a joke book to Bronx poets. I should make a list.  Echo Church Steven Zeier, Bronx Poets, Jackson Taylor, Billy and Sarah. Regis. So maybe two library, three joke for Echo.  Maybe Vivian would like one. I just felt like I sent a lot to Karyn and I am not sure they reached anyone and I don't know why.  Because it wasn't that easy choosing them and why couldn't they go to the group members.

Anyway I don't care what people think. I just felt like I should say something instead of nothing.

 Gice I went to a children's book conference and it was very fun.  Tomorrow is another day of it. I need to send an email but will do that in the morning. 

Something happened this afternoon and I had to help a friend. I think it went well and I was able to be there for her.

Then I met people at a cool conference and it was really fun. What was weird is that there were not many people at this part of the conference. We were there to congratulate winners of an award.  But literally there were only like twenty or thirty people who showed up to talk to the people.  So that is weird. I made some friends.  I need to look up their names though. 

I am having some anxiety and asthma at night but it is okay.  Today I mailed books to hospital people and it made me happy.  It was weird how it was kind of belated but the timing felt right.

I feel like I might have said the wrong thing in part of my discussion tonight but it is okay. I said I did not feel blessed in the distribution of my books but in the content I did.  Well I do not know if that was good because part of the conversation was also about how my pen name was safe.  And that is a blessing for sure. It has gone well. I had to be patient and still think it would have been stronger for me to start off successful but this route is very secure as well.

I am so disturbed by the politics and news.  But honestly some of it is the usual stuff. 

Tonight I might not get much sleep because I am waking up early tomorrow. I am going to try to meet people at the conference and be of service. 

I think I will also order some more books and take another appointment's worth of funding from my therapy.  But the goal is to stay in the group indefinitely. So mainly I just need to not jeopardize that.

Let's see. I think that Monday is a holiday so then two more groups in February and then four in March.  I need to plan my trip to Greenville. I have to buy a train ticket for that.  So that means I need to talk to my mom first and get her help with the ticket. I mean maybe I should do that for this next deposit.

I feel like I should call my sister tomorrow too.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Friday, Feb 6.  Not everyone will want a free poetry book but I have given away about 65 books in the new year.  I think I will order some more library books and joke books from the BBT account and mail some more. I will try to get to some more vermont people. I am glad I sent some to hospital people. Because frankly I think they have given very sacrificially to New York and me in particular.

I think I did okay with that but I wanted to tell the social worker that my life had gotten better.

So anyway, Ravneet said we sold some poetry books from that recent facebook share. I am guessing that it is 50 max but probably more like 11 or 12.  So she made about 20 dollars.  That is actually one of my more high profit books.  But that is a great sign of sales.  Any sales are a good sign that there could be a lot of sales on a national level.  

Ok very soon is the children's book conference.  I bought some ice cream and orange soda from Walgreens. I am okay on food for this cold weekend.  And then Tuesday it starts to be back to normal.  People are smoking a lot here and I hope that there is not a fire.  And yet most fire alarms would be from their smoking and not from them doing something like dropping a doobie on their sleepign bag or something. I have said before that I am just as much of a risk with my cooking.  Maybe slightly less but I think I am not above anyone here in some regards.  In some ways I do better but in a lot of ways all our disability is very level.

Anyway I do not know if I should say that.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Thursday, Feb 5. I just went to the post office, mailed the packages, and then got some food from three places. It is yummy food that I got and I am thankful. 

I had an appointment today with an insurance nurse practicioner who did a health assessment.  Next year I will turn it down.  I couldn't put my finger on why it depressed me but I figured it out that it was probably racism.  The person did not want a joke book and did some power plays, including three painful blood pressure monitorings. And it really isn't right for any of the health care itself to be in insurance hands.  I think they will try to keep me from turning down preventative care, but I will take them to court in a "heartbeat."

I think what people didn't expect is that I am going to refuse heart treatment, and soon that will also include blood pressure.  And my reason is that there was no court case for either two year torture periods.  People made their choice.

The racism is starting up on facebook again, and in my neighborhood. I think the democrats have made a mistake and they will lose the race war that they started. But I kind of favor some of their policies over the right wing abuses.

At the post office I was told that my mailers might not be strong enough to make it through a machine. Next time I need to tape a cross all around the package.  I should have figured that out by now, but I have been mailing packages for four years. It might be part of their training to make you fear that your packages are not going to get there.  Also I kind of think that once it is in their hands, it is their job to make sure it gets there correctly, so they should not tear it up with a machine. For them to say, sorry, we tear up the packages with a machine, isn't really right.

But anyway, I wasn't expecting these bad feelings today, and there were good things to be happy about, like the good food and the sunshine.  

But there was another societal thing which is that both entrances to my mental health campuses were blocked, and I had to go out in the street to walk anywhere.  And then somewhere else, the side walk was blocked illegally by other random people.  But I walked through their roped off area and got where I was going.  I did not report them but they were asking for it.  

Anyway I am sad about that and wonder what the meaning is. It could have to do with Judgement Day and however I am meant to sort out rewards for people when I am on the gameshow committee.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. I just packed up 17 more books to mail out tomorrow. I will need to take my cart. I believe I can do it and it will go well. If you are reading this and you are one of the people, it is not a valentine's present. I have a girlfriend named Ravneet.

I think I didn't do perfect and I forgot about the creature comfort book, but it probably worked out. Three people are getting a creature comfort book, three people are getting a library book, and I think there are four joke books in the mix.

I am really enjoying seeing the pictures of the groundhog going to cancun or being in jail.  There are a lot of memes like that and it is really funny to me. It is funny that people are using the same jokes but doing different ai renditions.

Right now it is 6:22.  I talked to a phone a friend earlier and I don't know if I did okay but it was nice and made me feel less isolated.

I felt okay today but at night last night felt pretty bad. But I am caught up on medicine and will probably sleep okay.  People were loud outside my door today.  And I didn't need that torture from my mom. It made me wonder if my sister is having problems, but I did not call her. I just don't need to be tortured.

So anyway, I am glad to get these books moving. I think that I will take some of them to the Nami event on the 21st if I can keep them for that long.  Like maybe 7 horizon cows and 7 creature comforts.  

Anyway, it is also good to focus on that instead of being totally distracted by the facebook shares.

At 7 I have my support group and wait a minute I miscalculated some stuff.  I need to finish reading the section of Jane Eyre for my book group. I read four chapters but we have twelve due.

So okay, I will do that right now. I do not know if I did okay.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Wednesday, Feb 4 at 11:50 am.  I just went to the post office and it as a good walk. I gave away 6 more books which totals 25 for recently. That is very good.  About 5 joke books, 5 library books, and some horizon cows and mice series.

The mice series go fast when I have them so it could be good to order more.

I do not know if any are selling online but it does not seem like it.

The cops did their intimidation when I walked home. Possibly i am under threat because of medicine, but maybe people are letting me know that I will not be having a manic episode. But I am not worried about that. I am worried about feeling like crap and being taken somewhere to be tortured for the rest of my life as my book business disappears.

Anyway I am probably okay. I talked to someone from my old mental health program and thought about how nice it would be to have a mental health program but too many of the staff people were racist.  

It is so weird. I believe it will eventually all be seen for what it is.

I think for some reason I am supposed to be ridiculed for my books so the young people of the future have a certain perspective about it.  But I feel bad for people because their bullying is real.

Anyway I also went to Taco Bell and was going to go to Popeyes but could not get to that intersection because of construction.  Possibly I will venture out later and go get Thai food.  I mean I do not know.  But in a way it is more efficient to go to that area because I don't have to backtrack.

Well, I am glad to be able to give away some books. It is meaningful to me and makes me feel like my work is not wasted. And it is always cool people who I am thankful to be friends with.