Hello everyone, this is Refried. Today is Monday, Aug 4. I sent a query to an agent last night but mispelled the person's name. I feel kind of bad about it but hopefully it is okay. I just think it could be more of an issue than normal because I found their site looking for another agent and said so. And I don't want that agent to think she was a second choice, which she wasn't at all.  But anyway it could be an issue but I think it was a good query. But there were a couple more issues with it which was the word count and writing sample. But I had reasons for everything and maybe she will see the potential of the books.

I mean am I trying to sell the books really or do I want the freedom of self publishing. Well to my knowledge they aren't selling well enough as self published. But I feel like there should be more success for everyone a indie authors.  It is a good direction for our creative culture.

So anyway I also sent a book to a movie person and felt good about it. It is just a cool movie idea and if they want it, this is a good person to send to. And if it becomes popular later, this person has permission.

So that is something I got done.  The conference I went to was amazing and I feel like I just got back from camp.  I made friends, I have memories, and I participated in a good way. This could be "it," but it might not ever be as compared to doing the actual writing.

I can see a quality difference in my work and some of the better stuff but I feel ok about it. I feel like I did what I did for reasons and the result is very representative.

Soon I am going to my mental health program but I need to drink some coffee.

Well have a good day everyone.

 Hello everyone, I finished the conference for SCBWI. It was great. Now I need to get back to life in the bronx and maybe go buy some milk from 7-11. 

I learned a lot at the conference and felt included.

I saw a lot of great presentations. 

I think in the last presentation, Bryan was saying that God was harold from harold and the purple crayon.

I was a little slow on that one. The idea is that God made the universe.

The guy's books were awesome. 

So that is neat.

He worked hard and became a children's book writer.

The lesson is to keep trying.

Well that is good.

I am going to send Ravneet some messages now. I am not going to the next networking event.

I think I socialized enough.

 Hello everyone. This is Refried. Today is Friday, Aug 1. I attended a children's book conference today and it was excellent. It is weird how I really didn't know that I was a children's book writer. I really thought I was supposed to be literary.  And I am a christian humor writer for teens. It is for teens. I know it is.  And I have stuff for younger kids, too. I hope they like it all.  You have to be brave to write for kids.

But I was brave in my life sometimes.  Some people have that trauma to face fears all day every day for many years. I have had relief from some of it.

Anyway, this conference is great. Tomorrow has more presentations and networking. I did not opt for a social media critique. Maybe another time I will try that. Ok I just visited the page for that. If it was two in one I would consider it, but the web review and social media is separate.  I will think about whether to build a new following. I think maybe no because my posts don't reach followers.

I have a query ready to send. I hope I do okay with it. I think it does list my trust potential as a writer but I might have sounded grandiose a couple of times. So I will think about that. Maybe I will send it Sunday or Monday. I mean I do not know.

Every query I have ever sent has felt so legit. But maybe I am not that great.

Right now I am listening to a theology podcast.  Tripp Fuller has been churning out a lot of youtube videos and frankly I enjoy listening to it a little bit at a time or in the background. 

Well everyone, thanks for the good times recently.  The cabin videos, the royal match games, the texting with ravneet, the less persecution by mental health places except for a few bothersome things, the reduced medicine as requested, the therapy, the nami groups, the cheese grits, the coke and sprite in my refrigerator.

This reminds me to say that I made a mistake today and was clicking an emoji after every book that a lady shared, and then there was one about hijabs and I forgot to click a heart.  And everyone knows it.  It was an accident but I feel kind of bad because I did not expect to mess up.  But it was because I got distracted.

But possibly it worked out because what if it would have been too much a nod to Islam.  I think really it would be fine but I just wonder if it was God's all powerful decision that I would not click like that time.

I mean I do not know but this conference made me cry sometimes. But I had some tech issues. I think I should pray for kids now and tomorrow since they are my mind. I mean all the kids in school, looking for a place to sit in the cafeteria, I mean it is just a crushing thing, can't they have a lunch, I mean what is going on and why am I not there. I guess a need for prayer. Maybe people will get a reward and the kids will grow up to be awesome people.

Ok that is all everyone have a good day.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. I just talked to the bridge person and told them I felt it was disrespectful to not be told that my case manager was skipping inspection.  This was after last week when I was told I could not miss inspection. They think it is power but it isn't power. It is weakness.  And people who do that will always be the bottom of society, a shameful embarrassment to God and all humanity.

I am keeping the other stuff to myself.

I am attending a writers conference right now. I also boosted three facebook posts.

I am being reminded to query again. I have a book about children's publishing. I guess that is the next stop. I thought of a way to market myself: teen recovery.  That is good isn't it.  People might steal it before I can succeed but I know there are readers out there who will like my writing and find it to be a useful example on their own journey of many things.

I think my days are numbered and I don't know why. Will it go fast? Four years seems like a long time today. But I think this section of my career is short and it is children's book writer.

So I need to find an agent.  That is what these people are saying. The conference has made me cry three times. I do not know if this panel was supposed to but I got upset about the inspection scam.

It is just so sweet. The last author's process and stories. It was so cool, like as a kid I would have loved to read that stuff, maybe. I mean some of it was out of bounds but I still think he did great.

Well, that is all.  Now I will go back to the conference. I am sending some facebook posts around on a small budget. I might apply for a new credit card today but I don't know.

 Hello everyone, I just made some really yummy cheese grits. You use instant grits, very hot water, butter, and mozzarella cheese. Wow it was great. Soon I will take my medicine. Possibly I will make more cheese grits or actually I am thinking oatmeal. I am okay for now and see that it is about the medicine change. I feel thankful for this to be the medicine change and not a new medicine with horrible side effects.

I hope this will make me less lazy and maybe I will exercise. One of my support group friends got to do the weight loss program and I am happy for her but it hurt my mood a little and I don't know why. I was just feeling emotional after that book ban talk and then boom I got hit with mental health sadness. But it is okay. The person was nice to me today instead of the weird mean people.  I think I need to go to some web pages and get addresses for the books.

It is possible that I will go to pages and not be able to send something so please everyone be patient.

 Ok I think the Bridge is escalating things because of a slight medicine change. Because I am going to be on 40 mg latuda instead of 60. So they are putting me on the brink of going to the hospital.  But I already was providing for that safety by requesting to be in a php program.  So I have to say I don't respect them.  As much as they want to say it is for my benefit, it isn't.  It ruins my life. The php would have sufficed. And I did need it, and people think I don't but I do. And now it is going to get worse.

I am holding some of it in. I am not saying all I think about it. 

I thought about seeing if I could take a 3 month break from Jewish Board but I think I should continue participating during my medicine adjustment.  I expect no difference whatsoever except I will have the energy to go to the grocery store more often and not lose all the OTC allocation. They will be abusing me there too, to see if I can take it.  Well I can't. What has been eroded in these past four years is a shameful tragedy and wasteful assault on innocent life. I am glad I am not a part of it as an employee.  

I think I should plan to help my mom but we need a back up so as not to depend too much on the trip.  The train trips have been reliable in the past but I do not know what to do. Possibly we should get it over with in the fall. Like early november. I am going to call Claire Bateman tomorrow because I think she knows how bad the problem is. Ok that is making me feel better. The most dangerous loss zone was prevented. I survived the bookstore, wrote the poems, and had blessings and friends. And people did something creative and even though most of the blessings were destroyed, the work itself will endure. The gesture and the effort, the sacrifice and the success. People can do crimes and deface property any time.  Buildings are sitting out there waiting to be spray painted. And that is what happened to me. The invisible barriers that keep people from pushing each other down the stairs just weren't there for me. 

Ok that is enough for now. I need to send Ravneet a text because I said a curse word.  I told her some names I wanted to call people. But I think I should keep standards around Ravneet.

 Well everyone, I just got ready for inspection and worked all day on it and my case manager is somewhere else and I don't have inspection tonight. How horrible to not let me know. What a bad person. 

I don't think I need to say anything else. God will say it in front of a bigger audience. It kind of gives me insight to other racism I have experienced. 

I have been hoping things get better soon but I am not sure I am right about that.

My sister is having problems too and it is triggering me and making me reflect on lifelong family problems.  And my mom is going to have hip surgery and expecting me to caregive. I think I should call her tomorrow and get an update on that. I think I need to tell her it won't be me who is a nurse for her, not now and not ever. It is just weird how I prepare for the worst case and then that is what happens.

It is weird to suddenly have bad feelings after a good day. My doctor told me today that she would reduce the problem medicine. Possibly she already did a prescription for 60 mg until september, but just her word that eventually we will switch to 40 mg is enough to feel relief about that.

I don't know if the bridge is torturing me because I skipped mental health program today but they possibly are.  What kind of organization gets the janitors to bully you as mental health treatment. It just makes me feel hate.  I guess this is when I pray for forgiveness again.  For a lot of people.

Well, that is all. I forgot that Drena was away for two days. I sent her a message but I think she will be happy. The nami group tonight was okay but I had to leave early. I think I made the right choice.