Hello everyone, this is Refried. It is Tuesday, July 1. I found out today that one of my friends died. Abbey Metcalf Cooler who was one of my favorite facebook friends. I am not sure but she might not have been happy about my gay behavior. But she was probably the best christian from our high school. I am worried that God took her away because I said God damn about the amtrak people.

But we don't know. He has a lot of reasons for what he does.  I think Abbey's church will help her family. But that is a very sad loss for them. I mean I can't stand it, thinking about it.

So I guess we just be thankful for every day. But I said today I wanted to die and watch people go to hell.  And I said that because I felt pain from my lost writing career.  But it was a bad and intolerable loss.

Something weird was on a youtube page today where I said a comment and no one hit like and I don't know why. 

Tomorrow I am going to the grocery store. I think I might get up early and go to Stop and Shop.  And get things for a corn casserole, a potato casserole, and strawberry pretzel salad. I think I might start cooking normally instead of working around an OTC card so much. 

But I don't know.  I also think I am going to try to get back on one mg risperdal 600 trileptal.  I think this latuda is hurting my life. I do not know why people hurt me but it seemed mandatory.  But it might not be.

Well, have a good day everyone.

 

 Hello everyone, today is July 1. I am feeling my missing career. I think some of it is from announcing a milestone on facebook and few people clicked like. But they supported other recent posts. I mean maybe people feel like I am bragging but personally I don't think I am supposed to have a bunch of secret pages and not tell my friends about an opportunity to support it.

So anyway I mailed a book yesterday and felt the difference between no book sales and even one actual customer, and it really hurts me. I just don't understand. I think people say to be thankful for the writing time but I just can't get over the career loss and being ignored and persecuted. It is really mean.

The books are good enough for anyone and people ruined it. I just wish I had not stayed alive after college. Read ecclesiastes, it backs me up on that. It says some people were better off not being born.

And how sad if the books do reach people but my final words to everyone are that they all ruined my life. To say I'll never get over how much my society hurt me. And it can't be undone by sales later.  And that I was just a pawn in the abusive racist political machine of the dishonest toxic urban liars.

It actually is a shame.

 Hello everyone, today is Monday, June 30. Tomorrow there is a Mensa conference and I am realizing that I should be there. It is in Chicago and the topic is AI. I mean how could I miss that, it is really bad that I did.  But there are a lot of factors.  The challenge of asking my mom for money, my sister's business problems so that she also needs my mom's money now, the fact that I don't have a friend to go with because I am not allowed to see Ravneet in person, the fact that I was swindled from my writing career so I am not famous enough to be invited as a guest, the fact that my 50 million ai art views are mostly from India and that doesn't count in some people's eyes, the fact that my games participation in mensa new york was inhibited by medicine problems, the fact that there are not easy accessible in person mensa meetings at libraries with snacks, some failure and persecution from my mental health care, my own shyness and lack of planning, and a lack of priorities from whatever conspiracy is still functioning. I do think part of the fail is from mensa and part is from me, part is from my society, and part is from my community.  It is weird to suddenly realize it but maybe in the future I can help things be better for people. The word is shame, it is just a shame.  

 Hello everyone. This is Refried. I just called Amtrak and talked to a nice person who told the truth.  That is enough for me and I will probably be okay even without a refund.  However my better business bureau report still stands. The nice person was named Esther but that could be a fake name.  However she did not lie to my face like the other three people did so I am okay.

I think I also will keep the blog post that precedes this one on the page and not undo what I said.  If I undo the curses through prayer then that is my business.

One of my facebook friends posted a cathartic post yesterday saying "If anyone supports the guy who molested me, then Fuck you in Christ's blood." I immediately clicked "like" and I have to say that I support this as my very own religion. I believe it is a proclamation of God's holiness and glorifies him as the innocent lamb who took away the sins of the world.

I also replicate it for my own experience being tortured at Barnes and Noble with some coworkers who eventually took the side of the abusive managers.

I decided to unpost the curse on people but I will probably publish it in my next book.

 Hello everyone. I am back home from the novel retreat and thankful to be safe and I had a good trip. It was really fun and I was a legitimate participant who attended the meals and meetings. My readings went well and people liked me and were nice to me. My pal Rosemary was a steak coach and bought me a filet mignon as a surprise.  I couldn't believe it. I also felt God's blessing, like he ordained for me to be blessed in my writing life and on that trip.

My train ticket was upgraded to business class after I bid for it but they switched my seat in the middle of the trip to make another passenger feel important so I reported them to better business bureau.  I think their whole bidding program might be dirty and they will have to change it eventually.

I was happy to do my part to report them but I am sad that possibly they have bad leadership and are no longer an honest company.  It is not good for a train service to be dishonest. I mean that is the same thing with planes, how dangerous.

Kind of sad for the young worker who made me think my seat was okay, because he was a nice worker and had to lie and act.  So that is part of his life now and too bad. But honestly I could see the conductor who actually made everyone think I took someone else's seat, I could see him going to hell eventually.

So anyway thanks everyone for being my friend and praying for me. I am thankful and I still have about 400 dollars left to make it until I get my SSDI payment in two weeks.

 Hello everyone, this is Refried. Today is June 23. It is Monday. I had a good breakfast today. It was probably the best pancakes I have ever had.  And I added a scrambled egg and that was good too.  And there was bacon and I have leftovers. So my budget it okay so far. I skipped dinner last night which saves me 60 dollars.  I think today I will eat a good dinner. I think I might also try out my bank of america card to see if it is working and I will do that by buying more maple candy. I think the clerks will remember me from last time I bought the maple candy and already ate it.

Soon I need to take Pantropazole because I have now gone about five days without it.  Or even seven.  That is usually when I start having problems.

I am just scared of the 40 mg dose. 

I am typing this in the window light at the hotel but not in my room.  It is fun and I like hanging out in hotel areas. I do not often go to hotels. It is really an inn.  But that is like a hotel.  It is about 11:19.

Ravneet sent me a message earlier today. 

I think I will revisit the message and ponder it again.

I am drinking coffee right now. Possibly this will be a two coffee day like yesterday.

I wish i thought of more poems.  But I am glad I thought of one poem about cinnamon.

It is about how it is a thoughtful addition to the world.

But the poem itself isn't that clever but it is still nice.

 Hello everyone. The writer who talked to us is named Ann Davila Cardinal. I got it wrong and called her Ana. But it is okay. I just misremembered it. Because the middle name ends in the letter a.  I mean I just read the announcement so it was a recent mistake. I think it is okay. I told her two interesting things.

I think I will go sit in the commons area. I was kind of on a roll with reading Poncheesy but then decided to go to the mensa bible study. I think I will b okay tonight and go to sleep at about 11 pm.  Then tomorrow I might have a more extravagant food day. I think it was good that I skipped a meal.

I bought two lunches though so it was a 60 dollar day or maybe 50.

I mean I don't know how I feel about not doing a lot of writing. I feel like that partially was because I woke up late today. But I think some of it is from the medicine.  So I don't know what to think except I am glad to be here and just being here is a lot.

Maybe I will take my book to a commons area and try to read some of it. Maybe the crucial transition to novel which is page 40-100.

Then the ending.  And do I need to put the snake people in earlier or is it funny for people to see I just imported my journal.